In their car
My girls
Bass pounding
Smoke filling
Laughing
Screaming
Stars out
We’re out
I’m
Out

Jokingly she asked
What are you running from?
My demons
I responded
Do you run fast enough for that?
She laughed
But my smile slipped
And my body froze
Probably not
I answered
I will never be fast enough
To outrun you

I watch the sun set
With it’s beautiful colors
The sunflowers swaying
The breeze is cool
The moon shows through the clouds
Just barely
And I can feel the heaviness
Settling
In my chest
My hair blows
Lightly
With the wind
But my body is solid
Weighed down by regret
Sorrow
Darkness
Pain

Everything in my head
Words left unsaid
That quiet dying feeling
Not caring about anything
Because I want to die anyway

Another nighttime escapade
Another trip down the driveway
Another time I jumped in a car
And sped down the road
Away from this house
We drove to the cemetery
And sat on your car
The nighttime air
Cool on our skin
And it was just us
Two girls
Two friends
Talking about boys
Talking about mothers
Talking about life
Lightning flash
Sirens in the distance
Peace
Sprite on my tongue
Smoke filling the air
Laughing
Singing
This is the life I always wanted
Always on the run
Always searching
For the next adventure
Even if it is just
Peaceful nights
And long talks

Heat flames my body
wherever your fingertips trace
light as a feather
dusting across my skin
but it makes my stomach flip
my breathing quick
and my heart start stuttering
like a broke down engine
you do this to me
this brand new feeling
I love you, I think
just maybe
perhaps

I haven’t left my house in eleven days
Not by choice
I’m going crazy
The days are years long
I need out
I’m locked up
I can’t function
Help me

I started wearing a rubber band
Around my wrist
So I can send slicing pain
Through my arm when I didn’t feel okay
My wrist is swollen
White welts
But they won’t scar
That makes it okay

The night sky was bathed
In brightness tonight
The moon was full
It watched me as I ran
Hair flowing
Down the driveway
Seems to be my normal lately
All I do is run
From my problems
From my house
From everything
I run beneath the flashlight
Of the moon
As if it’s brightness
Will envelope my darkness

So I became the person
I always needed in my life
The safe space
The tell me your issues
And I won’t put mine on you
Person
I become who I needed
The soft speaking
Gentle handed
Open hearted
Safe space

I’m scared
Even with the army behind me
I’m scared of the look in her eyes
When she realizes
That it’s me holding the knife
Not her anymore
I’m scared
That I’ll still have to stay
And nothing will be okay
I’m scared
Of this sudden change
It’s not just my life
It’s everyones
Everything will be different
I haven’t even had the chance
To find myself yet
I’m scared
I don’t know what I’ve done
But I know it’s huge
Bigger than me
And it’s not fair
But I’m scared still

you and me
in the back of the empty
yellow
dark
bus
engulfed in your scent
your arms
your lips on mine
fingers where
they shouldn't be
but I let them
be
secrets stay secrets
on the back of the bus

Last first day
Senior year
Same halls, same walls
Same people
We fought, we laughed, we talked
We goofed and joked and cried
We have one thing in common
This is the last year we’ll roam these halls
Last year we’ll eat at the cafeteria
Play sports
Create inside jokes
I’ll miss you guys

You want me to be someone I’m not
Just like I want you to be someone you’re not
But we aren’t the same
I want you to be a mother
But you will never change
you want me to be perfect
And I will change infinite times
Trying to be what you want
We are not the same
I don’t know who I am anymore

I was running today
And picked  a sunflower
From its stem
As I breezed past
I imagined slipping it
Into your wrinkled, weathered hand
One last gift
And a soft, sad smile
But then my vision goes dark
And I see that same hand
Slicing through the air
The taste of blood in my mouth
Mottling the skin around my eye
I see that same hand
Iron grip around a wooden handle
Slamming my body
Again
And again
That wrinkled, old hand
Hurting me
Time after time
The sound of the slap
Radiating around the house
The screams from my sisters
Caused by that hand
And my fist closes around the perfect
Yellow petals
I run as fast as I can
My fist closed as tight as possible
I drop the sunflower in the mud
And brush the yellow
Off on my shorts
I walk away
Leaving it crumpled
And *****
Sunflower

I taste
Your lips
On mine still
I don’t want the taste
To be there
Anymore
I brushed
My teeth
I still
Taste you
On my lips
Where I don’t
Want you at

Threw on a hoodie
Slipped on my slides
Walked out the door
I wasn’t running this time
Walked down the driveway
Got in your truck
I planned on coming back this time
Nine thirty at night
I’ll stay ten minutes
We go to the playground
Me and my three girls
And our three boys
We sit on the swings
Our boys behind us
His hands round my waist
As he pushes me to dizzying heights
I jump
Im free
I scream
We laugh and run and hug
His hand up my leg
My girls and I laughing about the boys
His face pressed into my neck
The smoke into our lungs
I’ll only stay ten minutes
An hour later
His hand tickling my leg
Ready to go
I don’t want this night to end
With the cool air
Misty breeze
Fingers tapping patterns on my thigh
Wrapped in hugs
Im falling apart
But I’m also healing
Ten minutes at a time

I never had to ask you
To be a good friend
I never had to worry
About you saying bad things
I never had to hesitate
Before telling you everything
I needed you to get me
And you did
And you will
Midnight or not
And I felt so at peace
Knowing I was safe while I slept
Hearing your voice
Gentle and caring
At the lake with the breeze
Outside with my cat
The one you kept for me
Thankful
For you

being with you scares me
I'm never entirely sure why
and maybe I shouldn't admit this
but a part of me
hates you
regrets you
and wants to push you away

I separate the experience
from you
in my mind
they are two different things
I close my eyes when you touch me
I'm afraid to open them

look into your eyes
and realize its still you
attached to those hands
I love you
but a part of me hates you

is scared of you
and how easily I could break you
I want to be around you
but that alone is scary
because I don't really want you
just the thought of you

I cannot be saved
No words help
Hugs are useless
Pain is everywhere
I cannot cope
Everything is bad
I don’t feel like me
I’m tired

I’ve realized
I don’t like being touched anymore
Not a gentle hand on my back
Not a hand in mine
Hugs are tense
I don’t like them anymore
I used to think I needed contact
But I hate it now
Don’t touch me
I don’t want an arm brushing mine
Fingers on my knee
I don’t want my hair played with
I don’t like it anymore
I used to crave the closeness
Now I just want to be left alone
Don’t touch me anymore

I became quiet
Because you were too loud
I became apologetic
Because you never apologized
I began to hate touch
Because you touched with violence
I began to hate myself
Because you never loved me
I don’t know how much more change
I can take before i’m unrecognizable

I come home
After faking a smile
And curl up on my bathroom floor
And sob
Silently, of course
I’m broken and I cannot be fixed

Words flood my brain
Tsunami
Rain
Depression eats away
Should I leave
Or stay
Anxiety rattles me
Fingers busy
What will I be
Tomorrow

Second choice
Backup
Therapist friend
Thats me
Don’t answer my texts
Don’t hear my calls
But I answer you
The second you cry
Say you’ll come get me
Then you don’t
Im sorry
I hate this

The tears are sitting in my eyes
But my friends need me
One still isn’t over a breakup
One is battling mental stuff
Im comforting
Caring
Saying the right words
Through a blur
Of my own tears
Everyone has their own battles
And mine get lost in the cause
I swallow them to help others
My fingers are shaking
But I’m typing the words out
To make them feel okay
Even though I’m falling to pieces
Right in front of their faces

I am taking deep breaths
But I still can’t breathe
Crushing weight
Of anxiety
My fingers are shaking
And I’m holding back tears

My brother
Says he's worried
I’m okay cant you see
You don’t have to wait up for me
I’ll be home
Before they know im gone
It’s not like
They notice im there
Anyway

Who am I
Putting everything on the line
No regard for my life
What have I done
Just for some fun
What am I doing
Why am I here

screaming chaos turmoil
yell
your voice hurts

my head
my ears bleed
it never stops

cannot sleep
I can't think
please be quiet

Falling apart
Seams ripping
Screams shredding
The thread is undone
My heart hurts

Is this going to fix everything
Or make it all worse
Did I make the right choice
Or did I ruin everything
Is this going to bring peace
Or cause more chaos and turmoil
I don’t know
And that scares me

And suddenly I’m back to stacking bracelets

“My car crash was intentional.”
“I’ve never told anyone that.”

And my heart sank
And I froze
And I stared at the words
Pain filled my head

How could you try to leave
When I see how wonderful
How hard you try
How misunderstood

I love you
I’m glad it failed
I’m glad you are alive
Because you are the reason

Im still breathing

I want




































To not exist

And I walked
Barefoot
Down the road
A block or two
Gravel stabbing my feet
Quiet rustling stuttering my heart
I knew where I was headed
For a hug
A warm room
But I had to make the painful
Cold
Journey to get there

Paint on my fingers
I wash it off
I wish it was that easy
To wash off my scars

Forgetting things that happened
Five minutes ago
So hungry I’m nauseous
Then eating two bites and being full
Waking up after sleeping all night
And still being exhausted
Aches in my legs
Talking takes effort
So does breathing
Zoning out randomly
Fidgeting all the time
Not enjoying things
That used to make me happy
Not excited
For anything
What is wrong with me

I’m struggling
Nothing helps, nothing soothes
I was finally healing
Looking forward to something
Getting my future laid out
I thought this was over
I thought it was done
But no
You dredge it up again
Threaten the one thing I was excited for
Postpone my future
Why
Why
Why
Why do you love to torment me
Why do you hate me?

No more music in my ears
And my head is full of fears
Rational or not I do not know
I can not wait until the day i go
Be
Still
If you will

You wanted to know?
You wanted to know why did I go
I left because I wanted to die.
I left because I ran out of tears to cry.
You said suicide was the most selfish thing
So I left so I could still dream
But you dragged me back and the feeling grows
I don’t tell anybody, nobody knows
That I’m already dead
With all my words still unsaid
I don’t sleep at night
My mind is in a constant fight
For a life I don’t even want to stay in
You think you’ll win
But in the end
I’ll be gone and no one will
No one will win

Medicine
For the tears that fall off my chin

You
Heal me with everything you do

Me
Im breaking cant you see

Why
Do I need you to push me so high

Never
Let me forget that I need you forever