I hide myself in the dark
close myself off to every feeling that threatens to grip me
play the silent awkward girl in the corner
breathe music as if it were the very thing keeping me alive

love, a thing only found in books
dreams always flitting around the edges of my thoughts
like phantoms come to haunt my every waking moment,
stealing every thought
every desire written in a ratty journal
my personality hidden within the pages of a book yet to be read
my story unfolding with each word on empty pages
my soul entwined with moonlit fire,
wolves howling sorrows to the full moon,
the wind whispering sweet secrets in the ears of those who listen,
caressing bare skin and messing hair as it darts around

I lost myself wondering the lonely paths between trees
paths that seemed to lead to nowhere
riddled with shadows and dark promises like Snow White’s toxic apple
the sweet sticky rays of dying moonlight clinging to my skin
and an arch of trees ahead seemingly harmless

I go around in circles never finding an end to the wall of trees
so deep in the dark I find no way out no light

I carve my own path and find myself hiding in the shadows
my eyes barely visible beneath the waterfall of hair I hide behind
my hands shake as he comes too close
my thoughts center around the only question my brain can manage
why does he come so close?
can he see me hiding in the shadows?
his interest in me scares me and yet I can’t help but let him come closer
and the closer he got the more terrified I became
yet I couldn’t seem to stop

My hands trembled but I couldn’t stop the excitement
couldn’t close my eyes to the only true warmth in what feels like ages
when I should have run back to the dark

You got so close to me that we nearly died
I wasn’t looking for you but you found me anyway
because of you I found my way out of the dark that always protected me

I never stepped out but you brought me to the edge
and for that I can’t seem to thank you enough but it came with a price
I can’t seem to get you out of my head
your eyes haunt my dreams but you’re so unreachable now a days
and I ache longing for those willful days

The days when you answered my calls,
when we talked all night until I fell asleep,
aching for the days when you would give anything to make me happy,
bringing me out of my protective shell so that you could see me
and now with you gone I can’t help but retreat once again

I am a terrible friend

I forgot
to tell my friend happy birthday
the day before
because I wouldn't see her
on the day of her birthday

I was too stuck in my own head
that I forgot
another friend's cousin died
today was the funeral

I barely know what's going on
with friends who
used to be so close
but are now distant memories

I'm never around
the reasons being my own
and now
nobody cares to tell me anything

I'm so ****** at myself
and yet
I can't help but
know that there's ways
to reach me
other than in person
but nobody cares enough
to do so

I don't know
if it's my fault or theirs

Yes I'm scarcely seen
in the flesh
anymore
but I have a phone, email,
hell they know where I live

So why doesn't anyone
contact me?

Why am I being
left out in the cold?

Why have I become
a distant memory?

What am I supposed to do?
All these thoughts
race through my head
and yet I can't catch a single one

I can't help but
let these thoughts drown me
and hope for relief

Honestly
I just want someone
who loves me
for me
someone who sees all of my
flaws and scars
and won't run away
gently kissing them instead
slowly, lightly, trailing
gentle fingertips across the maps of my skin
and whisper in my ear
of far away lands
and childhood memories
until we fall asleep
hands between our bodies
fingers interlaced and legs tangled in the sheets
I want endless nights
of pure bliss and rough nights
I want our ups
as well as our downs because that's part of love
I want the lows just as much
as the highs
because without it
I would never properly appreciate the highs
and without the lows
I would forget how good
happiness feels
I want to get drunk on your
Kisses
and high on your
Touch
fall asleep to the sound of your
Heartbeat
sway to the sound of your
Voice
losing myself in your
Eyes
I want to whisper my secrets in your
Ear
and reminisce with you
about growing up,
first loves, and memories we created
I want to dive into your mind
and learn you
from the inside out
curling up and snuggling into your crevices
I'll make my home there
baring myself for you just as you've done for me