awake i lay
oh how life has changed
and the dark remains still
the air remains cold
here i am thinking
what does life behold

and as the devil comes for me
the Lord is at my side
a never ending battle of
lies and pain and truth
and i can never make a decision

I pray one day i'm forgiven

to grieve the loss of someone alive
makes me wish i were dead
facing fears we once faced together
i face alone instead
the unthinkable had to happen
though it'd been a long time coming
now the dust has settled
i'm no longer left wandering
i couldn't say goodbye
i couldn't even look at your face
the hole left in my chest
is such a hollow space
it was the opening of a door
that was meant for my way out
the one i had refused to open
i'm now being pushed out

i've seen four stages of grief
up until this moment
and now the only one left is
acceptance
it isn't any less hurtful than the other four
and i've return like a stray
staring at the door

but it's not to be opened anymore.

i probably shouldn't
but i already have
so don't try to stop me now
i don't want to die anyhow
just trying to mask the hurt
it's been two years to the day
i feel no better
i feel no worse
i just know bile gathers in my throat
and tears well up in my eyes
and i still remember the phone call
when they told me you died
oh how i cried
how i still cry
we cry
as a community
you gave us immunity
to the bad
you proved God would prevail
we saw you stumble at times
but never did you fail
a dad
a brother
a friend
why did your life have to end?

and every time this year i can't sleep
just a pile of pillows at my feet
the alcohol just gave me a headache
so i move on to something stronger
as i wait for it to get easier
the night just gets longer
midnight strikes and the day is here
and you're still gone
dead
like a retired song
just when i thought my heart was healed
it's remained broken all along
come on friend
come back and laugh again
hug me like you used to
fill me with that everlasting life
the beauty of you
in this empty void of grievance
in that absence
***** and pills will have to do

i ain't proud, no
but you had to go
and that's okay
i will be alright
i will get through this day

did you ever see his face
as he took your innocence away
did you ever look into evil's eyes
did you play the devil's games
did you try to **** yourself
when it was all over
because the blood wouldn't wash from your thighs
did you scream into your pillow at night
so no one heard your cries
did you watch your world go up in fire that retracted your soul in smoke
did you mask the pain with the blade of change just so you could cope
did you feel like you just might not make it
did you wonder how much longer you could take it
did you wonder how people could say that you faked it
did you ever wonder why you

did it happen to you?

i need to cry
but who can i call?
it's late
and you're sleeping
it's been a long day after all

i need to cry
but who can hold me?
it will be okay
it's not so bad
is what you've always told me

i need to cry
but i am here alone
each tear falls in silence
no one hears it
no one's home

i need to cry
but it may not stop
the ache in my heart
will hemorrhage
and it's the only life i've got

i need to cry
because it isn't fair
a thousand knives
into the core of my being
by saying he won't be there

i need to cry

i need to.