The chance to fall in love or to
have a great friend is a scare
and an alarm rings in me then I
bundle my nerves,
let them out,
and live my
life with
grief.
They used to always scold me
to leave them alone.
I would cry and draw
illustrations of them
when I got home.
I would tear them
apart and see
them in
shreds.
Nothing harder
than being the girl
everyone in school dreads.
Or family at the house you live.
Everywhere I’m picked on don’t even
know what I did.
I was the awkward
problem kid.
Now I’m twenty
still remembering
eighth grade bullies now look what
they did.
I had to be first to learn
in order to throw their points in the fire
and see their leisure burn.
Either that or you can
prepare my urn.
Want me to die?
No, that is a lie.
I’m staying to live and breathe.
I can breathe and live with this.
You can breathe too just get out of
my business.
Don’t ever open my treasure chest without
my consent.
Never want to open the memories and wonder
where you went.
Take it slow
learn as
you go.

It is clear your interest in me started to rot.
I just hope that you remember the short fun time and
you never forgot.
There was something between us we did not figure out or know.
All that matters is that you're happy,
so fine,
I'll let you go.

I’m on my own,
nobody holds my hand
or offers me a pencil.
It gets to be too much
is expected and not enough
is kept.
Learning feels like losing
and send offs are more like
****-Offs.

Freshman year,
I was allowed to mess up.
I weeded through people,
and found my best friend
while losing my first
love.

Sophomore year I ruled
the world.
I founded a group, we hung out
all the time and
I had many opportunities
to fall in love.

Junior year is here.
So many relationships ended
because of need and
graduation.
I have a group but I have to wait to
see them.
There has not been an opportunity for love
and I blame my own baggage.

Senior year is next.
I don’t want it to come.
Make it stop.
I can’t do this
anymore.

These are my confessions
of being an upperclassmen.
If only we could understand
we are not too young to thank
and its never too late to do the right thing.

Never thought the right thing would be
a computer on my lap and silence on Saturday nights.
We once danced and drank, but stubbornness is key.
Looking back to being young and bold its just not how
it used to be.
I'm an upperclassmen, and it feels more like the bottom of the world
has cemented me.
Get me out of here.

Many parties and dinner gatherings ended
hours before we wanted everyone
to pack up and go home.
Though surrounded by friends
I’d been taken by the hand and
drawn to the other direction
to leave the teenagers alone
though I was thirteen.

Many trips to the beach became
destinations for my tantrums.
There was never a way my
method of finding comfort would
fulfill what they wanted.

These are still labeled bad memories
and hard situations I had to deal with.
Vacation was something I never looked
forward to nor did I want to be seen
the way I was compared to all
of them.

Now,
when we gather on the Vineyard
at whoever’s house for dinner,
they are okay about it.
It, meaning me,
at the house.

We never sat together
all ten of us young adults til the recent year.
It is nice to be at the table and see how we
went down different paths but managed
to cross now we have grown.

Though years ago when we were meeting
together on vacation,
I dreaded the day and seeing all of you.
You may have stabbed me in the heart by
helping me with sailboats and social skills, so
you won’t see me on a boat and you don’t
have to make up for it and bring me into
the group.
Because you did not **** me.
I like going to the island to see you.
I meant it this time.

Rage is a cage that surrounds us with silence and limits our outbursts as we
Age.
We grow and stage our feelings in order to all be on the same page.
The knife I don't carry with me and the stabbing in the paper today,
Is this nothing but a favor that I don't get my way?
Rage is a cage where secrets are held and lives are lived.
When chairs are thrown in the air and glass shatters all over the floor with knives chucked but purposely missed.
My child, my love,
That is the best honesty I can give.
Don't keep an eye out, let them be.
And for goodness sake stop yelling at me!
I'll be me, you be you.
Let's take the point of view not as a
*******.
Thank you.

The frustration slides through your veins.
It pulls itself up through your throat,
rolls into your mouth.
All that you can do is yell it out.
I understand but cannot comprehend.
It's a human voice.
Can be raised, and does not break glass.
Only breaks my heart
when they yell at me or
around me.

This is where I am,
This is the floor I walk on.
Whether shoes are on me or barefoot,
I **** it up and keep myself in here.
I walk where there are little birds
Flying by me.
Ignored I am
Alone I don’t always care that I am
And limited to how I live.
Luxury is never overrated until
You are removed from where you want to be.
Never even held my own key.
Someone who hasn’t learned in life as much as me
Will be sitting on a throne with a view outside.
I see nothing and no hope when I get to where I am.
This is who I am,
This is the person I became.
I started the jeep and put my problems in the passenger seat
While I drive myself to freedom.
I will never mind the traffic in the city with starry skies and beaming
Lights.
Beautiful colors of orange, red, green, white, and purple, couldn’t ask for anything more,
And the moon in the sky is to heal our trauma that has ever happened
On the worst night of our life.
There is always something out there to see,
Oh wait, I was talking about me.
I have a heart and it doesn’t necessarily reside at my home.
Home is where someone’s heart is but definitely not for me.
If there weren’t an outside world where I pick to wander,
How would my heart ever grow?
I learn to accept and to be strong.
Those who can’t accept my differences or me help my strength
Believe it
Or
Not.
I wear a big smile,
I say my hello and goodbye.
I walk alone with my shadow that shows how beautiful I look.
I get home,
I already have my heart with me.
I’ll need it,
For the next
Argument.

I will never again be in a mental prison.
Happiness is hard to show but a little speck
is reserved in me.
I never knew I was more than the little troublemaker.
I would scream, pout, cry, and run around aimlessly.
They would point, laugh, and say backstabbing things about me.
I thought at such a young age that I was trapped in a cell where
I could never see the rest of the world I was highly unwelcome.
Without the world or anything to lay eyes on I would never change.
My loved one's bailed me out.
I got the hang of not walking solo.
Down the road we traveled, so empty but so many things to see.
Pushing through every hard day at school,
learning from every awkward interaction,
and later coming back to town like a Wrecking Ball.
I am not the one destroying or destroyed.
I prove and they read my word and my commanding presence.
There are many places I belong,
I am now free.

As we gathered at the wooden table with grilled fish and cokes at your beautiful summer home,
you had the perfect opportunity to take the crazy things I would say and use them as your last chance to make your mom proud by doing the right thing.
When we would lay our towels down on the grains of sand where we would always park,
you were so afraid I would ask to join you and your friends in a game of football.
That was your great chance to show them how cool you were by yelling no at me and using your hand to motion me to stay at my towel when I did ask.
We returned from seeing you and how angry I was that I had nothing to the point of your smarts, independence, and humor.
During the off season I would go to school and play games of softball.
I didn't get the grades you had and I didn't swing the bat as beautifully as you.
Though there was one thing I always did that you see now.
I let myself learn.
I never stooped to be you but I learned how to interact and watch what I say.
I learned you never were close to me and it is ok to be alone.
I learned to not overdress so much to prove I had it all.
I learned that you had your talents and people, and I had my problems and meltdowns and then I learned to take the chance and improve.
You changed slightly, I changed magnificently.
You called other girls pretty right in my view now my prettiness completely overwhelms your view.
Ha, but that is not all.
I used to make you cringe you would be bossy, now I make you laugh so hard at my jokes you're red and bent over.
So, we grew, and time change dramatically.
You saw me then, I saw you were sneaking some brownie points.
See me now, and I see you are so proud of me.
I'm happy you're happy, but all I really want as I did before from you,
is to be treated the same as anyone else you care for.
You don't have to be so proud of me.
I'm fine now.

I let you in my room and didn't ask to lay in my bed,
I let you walk with me to the cafe and treat us to a drink,
I let you hold and play some notes on my guitar,
I even let you change your mind and then rethink.
You have vanished from my life
I was clear that I didn't want you to
be gone.
Ever since I sent those letters,
I expected to hear, "never mind, I love you"
but instead I heard,
"so long".
You are harder than ever to replace,
I will breakdown and plead if I ever again see your handsome prince-like face,
I have to put new strings on my guitar they are oh so old.
But I know if I keep the string you played and made a sound,
it is too late because your soul is already again replaced and
sold.
There is someone new in your life I can just tell,
I'm pushing my mind to be happy and not think of losing you as
hell.
There were stories I never repeat but to you I had a show and tell,
well this is great, I'm living with something, and you are in a bed of roses
ever since you gave me your
farewell.
I'll never forget,
I only regret,
not learning before
loving.
So long, farewell, I miss your laughing,
to me you're a great model but to you I'm
worth slapping.
You wanted me for my face,
now I'm glad she took my place.
So, yeah,
bye.

You had my heart,
you had residence in my brain,
you had a seat at the hand of my faith,
you had my love wrapped around your
entire body.
You had me thinking of all the
joyous adventures we would take
just us two,
you had me in love with you but more than that,
I was a fool.
I was more into it than you,
I put in more effort than you,
I followed all the rules unlike you,
I actually wanted this, it was all except you
who wanted two hearts to be better than one.
I showed my rage,
you showed that you were a man,
it took til our breakup to
present that to me.
I wanted you to be okay,
I wanted you to live okay,
I wanted you to find happiness,
I even wanted you to find
love again.
I reached out on your birthday,
you said I was a beautiful person.
I thought the universe of you,
you thought I was just your beautiful
prop.
More than a prop, dummy, puppet, or
toy,
I was nothing but your fool.
Traumatized and scarred by our finish,
my depression is the evidence
that I was a big fat fool for you,
thanks for nothing,
you liar.