I want to go back to that little girl
who would run around the house and never
care an ounce about what others said.
I want to wear those elegant little dresses
and not be old enough to care about how my
body looks in the dress.
I want to be young enough to cry and
show emotion and get away with saying
what is on my mind.
I want to now tell that little girl to never again
threaten to run away from her mother and father.
I will tell her to be nicer to them and not hit,
kick, or bite them because she didn’t get
what she wanted.
That girl is now full of wisdom and sympathy.
She hugs her parents whenever she sees them and
begs to come home.
I feel no guilt from childhood because I learned
over the years.
She was actually funny, that little girl.
Now she has grown,
and she knows and teaches that
the past is in the past, though we learn and
become better the more we let go.
Just think of the child who you are better than
today.

Don't ever look at children as props of joy.
Never forget their feelings.
Don't be blind.
You can see it in their eyes.
Your own child is your first treasure.
They taught you so much prior to losing the love
to whom you signed the contract.
Removal of the ring on your finger
does not erase the memory of your baby
clutching your index.
Finding new love and holding another child
is not going to make you any older.
Children are smart.
They become bewildered and perplexed by parents
behaving like hypocrites.
Then they know to not raise their voices.
Small but brave they are.
You will laugh at their bad behavior in the future,
but you won't be laughing as they have cuts on their wrists
after seeing you with your
other set of
kids.
It't too late.
Divorce can lead to disaster.
We're allowed to love again,
we're not allowed to leave the ones in our family who come
first.
Remember the baby that was legitimately your own who you held in
your arms for the first time.
They matter more.

I couldn't believe how wrong I was.
I knew that they would turn their heads away and choose what they listen.
I was certain I'd be in tears by the time I arrived.
I had the idea that they decided through distance that I ruin everything.

I couldn't believe how wrong I was.
I was smiled at and praised when I was seen.
I was listened to and even created oppurtunities for laughing and clapping.
I had no idea they missed me so much.

Through distance, we either change our minds or learn to love no matter the cost of peace or share.
Through distance, we think.
I was overthinking the whole time I was gone.
All doubt gone and forgotten.
We have no punches to roll with but no reason to punch in the first place.
We're all at peace.

What a fool I was all those years.
I should have followed my heart and faced my fears.
Paranoid of being alone with no one to help me along,
I followed your footsteps.
Mine are now gone.
I should have followed my heart and let you all be.
I never should have approached you.
You were never right for me.
Take back the invitations and hugs how they came so rare.
How stupid of me to persist and show that I care!
Now I'm gone and your lives are empty with sigh.
Don't bother to persuade me the friendship was never a living lie.
I'm the one smiling with friends so close.
I learned from your rolling eyes to be careful before giving the rose.
I saw the petals in a mess on the tile floor.
I will never beg to accept like I did before.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I am happy I no longer hang out with all of you.
So come what may,
The roses die anyway.

I messed up can we please forgive?
There is no reason to look back or relive.
I am one who frustrates people deeply so.
This is when away from people
I choose to go.
But no.

I am relied on to be brave.
Confidence, kindness, and gratitude is what I gave.
It wasn't enough.
When the feelings come in,
then its rough.

Yes, yes, the level of what I have can make me a burden.
No matter who I'm with I can't get a word in.
The fear of Parapraxes,
a meltdown,
or being introduced and alone.
Forget my social life!
I can't do anything right with other people!
I'm going home.

The people I do have in my life deserve to be
aware of what my situation may come to be.
They mean everything so here's my love.
When they don't understand
I rely on God above.
Then send the dove.

I am not fake, I am real, I am a wave.
I crash at the edge of the sea I am brave.
I am a tree.
Straightforward as my leaves fall
to tell you when there will be change.
When they are gone, I'll be naked.
And that will be all.
I am a snowflake, I choose my path.
As I fly, I land, I melt, and that is the aftermath.
Yet I am thunder.
I cry and make noise so all will suffer
when something bad is going on.
But the people below my clouds and rain drops
are stressed out, wet, and their day is ruined.
They wonder why this happened, then I know,
I did something wrong.

Don’t be frightened,
my eyes are just red for only
a moment.
Don’t be concerned,
anyone can feel this way.
Don’t follow me,
I can handle this on my own
you better not dare take my
hand.
Don’t critique me,
I am here for the same reason.
Don’t say I’m different.
That is not how I define myself.
Close the dictionary immediately after
reading.
Drill the words in your head and let them
out fast enough
to understand
you don’t know everything.
Don’t guess,
I hold the answer.
Don’t judge,
it is all poor.
Don’t backstab me,
I already survived that abuse.
Don’t bully me,
it will not make me any less different.
Sticks and stones are not the reason
I have broken bones,
names are not the reason I am strong.
My adrenaline pours onto the concrete,
blood all around my wrists and ankles.
Your power does not provide any upbringing
in your life.
It is not names that don’t hurt me it is
Your attitude.
Keep it up,
I’m not going anywhere.
Now stop it.

You just can't get over that I
exist. Can you?
Do you ever get enough people
to fawn over you and your
guitar?
Can you ever get another set of
eyes to watch over your great and
bashful performance?
You look thinner than me.
I'm nothing but a fat hourglass
ticking until my mood
changes.
Do you not see how they yawn
as you talk about nothing but
yourself?
This is how you have confused love
for admiration.
When they say No to hearing your new
cover,
It's not their
jealousy at its peak.
It is you Tiresome
personality just being there.

Anyone who filled my time that could have been
Empty with me sitting alone in a dark room,
You may not make me smile everyday but that moment was the best thing you did for me at that time.
The clock ticks to our oblivious senses.
We are oblivious for a reason,
The reason is to have a moment that grows into a memory.
The memory lives and dies after new moments are planted into our hearts.
Remember the moment when you stood backstage and peaked behind the curtain.
Remember the moment the curtain opened up and the audience silenced its sins to see your glory.
Remember you felt something move and suddenly you were dancing the routine.
Remember the flowers that fell to the floor below you as you stood in bowing position under a beaming spotlight.
A moment like this is the standing tree to our happy thoughts.
Take care of the tree and don't break off the good memories by tearing off the bark and branches.
A moment is sacred, a memory is special, a tree is our place of thought

This is the worst time
to be thinking about
Quitting.
My mind thinks of **** as my
face is red and my teeth grit.
I feel the nerve in my arms to
punch you and claw your face.
Maybe you should be the one
bleeding noticeably this time.
I am sick of the haters hating
and the babies crying.
I want to cry with the little babies
but I have to forget that I live with
something.
Even though I use my words and
they are heard but never listened,
I know someone will want to.
I'll keep going,
I'll be here,
I won't lose control.
You're not going to bleed,
as long as you do for me
as well as you.
I like to think there is a place to be
and people to hug when something
isn't wrong.
There are, and that my friend
is you.

When she reaches out to him,
the girl who resigned
her compassion,
for me.
He keeps his integrity,
remains genuine, and keeps
his love,
for me.
I told her once,
what was a bother,
for me.
But they had such a connection,
perhaps a misunderstanding,
for me.
I feel hurt by how she touches,
shows him affection,
but no kindness nor affection,
for me.
Though their friendship is
only between them,
and to dictate,
is not,
for me.

I thought we could all be a choir of insecure teenagers pretending nothing is wrong when in our heads it is all wrong.
I sang the blues and danced in the hallways of the school, but my only applause was
pointing fingers and laughter.
I knew that if I ruled the world, I would have everyone sit in a circle and just
say it the way their young mind wants them to.
If I was queen of the drama I would say to scream the worst of the worst profanity,
get in the center of the tile floor as if it is your stage,
vent, spread your arms apart as your fingers leave inches of space,
and cry for all to see.
Never would I let anyone go back to the same person at the same time of day.
We would pick someone new and together we would learn through conversation that there is power when meeting a stranger. To all I was one.
Talking to yourself will no longer be a crime, and I would make it ok for
everyone to jump up and down, say something wrong, and shrug to any words that
are worth the outrageous reaction.
Never make fun of me for all that I do at any moment at any time.
I knew I would never rule the world at age thirteen as stress was lit like a match and flames of tears and a lying face would burn all over me.
The scar burns and ashes have melted away and I can smile again,
and when the phoenix flies by so high and visible,
every tic stops for a moment as I am detained by graceful vision.
I am alive today carrying but not devoting the way I see myself that has made me stronger, and not only a woman with bravery,
but a teacher with lessons of respect.
Now class,
you can’t control the rest of the students,
but be kind to yourself first,
never punish yourself for your flaws,
and see how compassion and love
brings you to believe
in your own
strength.
We can’t all have the same spirit inside,
but we can let it outside of ourselves to
show we belong together as a world.
Class dismissed,
now your homework tonight
is to read yourself and write a paper
about all the things you love about
who you are, not anybody else.
You won’t be graded,
this is all for
you.

I remember your home address,
Have you taken time to remember
Mine?
Stamped with colors and sealed with my saliva
I have once again committed a crime.
The tough positions and neediness
leave me feeling guilty and worthless.
In the end some things do matter,
dig in my bag to find the receipt
I’ll return this beautiful party platter.
Go home from the store sit on my bed and start to cry,
Sure was looking forward to that cheesecake and sharing the large pizza pie.
I acted up, I did it again,
I send these apology letters to all my lost friends.
I wish nothing but the best for each and every one of you,
I promise you’ll go out with sharper people
guaranteed their credit cards will go through.

So the response to my confessions
are how losers spoke to me
ten years ago?
I admit a mistake
and the head cases
look up but talk down.
Suppose it is not worth it anymore
to say what we need?
Don't bother making me look bad.
It is my job to be naive.
So Im done with them all now and forever.
And this conversation
is over.

The key of life
Is not anyone at all.
Not knowing we learn
Through the yellow and black
Flying insect.

Small but smart as can be.
Teach us lonely uncertain humans.
To go forward but keep routine.

Sometimes our hives have to change.
Flowers come back
But we may always choose different.
Since the flowers do become new.

Let them bloom.
Like babies laughter and the moon phases.
Change is hard, but it's only to
make well and accept.

So like a bee.
The key of life, the busy.
Be thy strong self,
but change blooms into stregnth.

Even in new places
we find out honey.
Even in new places
We find our belonged wanted area.
Notify with a sting.
Life is constantly changing.
If only we could all change,
Accept, and find our true honey anywhere we fly.
Be humble
Like a bee.

I can get over this bridge
Without you holding my hand.
If you are ever lost and alone
Not knowing where to go,
I am your friend.
I’ll hold yours.
I’ll guide you.
We now need to take care of our own.
So much is happening
All at once.
As a friend,
Know I still care.
I’ll be a person to vent with
About the losers who take out their pathetic
Lives on us.
The conversations will be lit again.
Never will I walk away
When all you want to do is
Cry.
I’m your friend,
So cry on me when emoting is a must,
And I’ll cry on you on my time in need to
Emote.
When we emote together all at once,
We know it’s not what we hoped for,
But that connection is still
Something,
No one,
But you and I
Can have together.
Once we start talking like we used to,
Our friendship wont be for once,
But forever.

Almost feels as if I have nobody.
As a bird not wanting eggs,
or a fish not wanting the worm.
So many accusations
of what I've said or done.
I never did.
So much to scare me away.
I let them go,
then I look around and I am severely punished.
At the sight of the stars finding one another using their glittering light
in the great big sky.
Watching the snowflakes fall onto their perfect banks.
This has been the story of my whole life.
The girl you always see alone.
Is it so much to sacrifice?
There is no right or wrong
to the answer of finding connection.
So to feel I have no connections,
no people, no friendships.
I hate myself
and I just want to throw a rock and shatter
the glass of my bedroom window
where I lay
alone.
The shattered glass on the wood floor
is what my heart looks like
when I'm watching people as
bears in the pack,
smiling like children with lollipops,
and bees in the hive they fit in.
Watching,
but wanting to get there.

I dreamed last night I was fighting you
again.
I called you a **** and I said I hated you.
While I said those words you had a smile on
your face.
So did everyone in the locker room.
I woke up and realized that three years today I say
better words and still nobody listens.
I was a joke then and I am today.
One day I’ll be listened to.
Don’t feel threatened if I’m right,
and never feel powerful when I’m wrong.
My syndrome is a gift and a curse and sometimes
fools me with my choice of words and actions.
If the dream had been real and if I had said it to you,
You would never get an apology.
You needed that name calling.
You never received it,
but you were no better
than anyone or
anything or
me.

Up and down the slide,
it’s really a short ride,
I try to have drive,
I am still alive,
I continue to strive,
I have reached the ground unblind,
I am going back up the ladder,
wonder if I’ll feel the same after.
Every trip down the slide,
every second on the swing,
every time I touch the ground after the firepole
or twirl a ring.
I play this game alone,
see who else comes along,
I go up and down the slide,
not doing anything
wrong.

Waking up from
Chaotic dreams and restless
Bothersome Thoughts,
Out my bedroom window
There fly some little blue jays
All around the tree and feed off
Our grass.
I went to bed in anger
Then woke up to this.
Everything will be ok
In the end.
Hard changes are coming
About though the birds
Are my motivation to
Seize the day.
Perhaps a coincidence or
A sign from the lord above,
We know everything
Will be
Ok.

Only way I forgive
is to step away.
Stand in the moonlight
and move to the darkened side of town.
They will never find me,
come to know
how they believe they own me.
I could never find
a place to stand
within the space or love.
Loneliness is a lesson
to teach us to take ourselves out
and find some ourselves.
I walked alone for months
on the streets of falling out.
Where then I met people alone
in the middle of the street.
I crossed at the crosswalk.
And here we met.
This is no comparison
but a story of staying out of
the streets of falling out.
Yes leaving you was hard.
The tears and pale skin showed.
Now we talk
but have moved on to others more like us.
We don't need to feel shame,
just know we were never meant to be.
They were not like the pedestrians who God put at the same sign.
One said Falling Out St.
the other said Forward Avenue.
Split and broken up,
but happy with sigh.
I walk with the ones I trust with a place for me to stand between
on Forward Ave.
This time my friends are not numbers.
We are family.
And we reside on weekends
in our little place
that holds us together.
Take a left out of
Falling Out St.
Turn right onto
Forward Ave.
And you will find
my family and I
deep
and meant
to be.

I dreamed last night I was visiting a house
of people around my age in the city overlooking
the highway.
We were laughing, drinking, and running around
as if nothing wrong could happen.
I cried in the dream because I wanted to stay forever.
I woke up with a broken heart and little excitement.
I love who I am around but my habits are nothing of
the common interest.
I will propose so many great things but it is humor that is
taken.
The places I want to travel with you and the beer I want to
drink with you may be just me all alone when accomplished.
Apologies have been given and received, though
I am now with people who I am comfortable and care about.
I was before, though I can’t make them stay.
I am pretty ragged and funny while my mouth speaks of
obscenity.
You know my mind has some rough spots and I try to remain calm.
If I change what I can and own my bad behavior,
will you stay?
I’ve learned about mysterious worlds and buildings of a
character.
You guys know all the words to my favorite songs.
You know my stories of victimization and trauma how
your responses meant so much after sharing what was
hard.
We may not take place in a city at night in one house together,
though when I meet you at our designated places such as
our dinner time or meetings,
I feel at home with a family
of love.

I hear nothing from any of them and fear
I have destroyed the heart
Of a someone I have.
All this time being alone
with bullets in my head
and
hammers in my heart
nailing down the truth of
what I may come to be.
Penniless and enraged  I'll
be someday.
These thoughts of fire in the
corner of the cafe where I want
To meet for coffee burns down
the building and kills one of us.
The day we first met for a cocktail
as we cheered our glasses together
and took a sip at the same time
was like a promise.
A promise that we would have fun whenever we can and take care of
each other.
Now I can't remember how to get back
to the bar nor what I usually order.
I return home and sit on my bed.
The bullets in my head just tell me
to lie down and rest.
The nails in my heart somehow manage
to make me think I'll wake up and someone
I knew for years will be beside me.
Sometimes the dreams I have of all of us
together
scream No at me
since I'm always alone at the bar.
They don't look promising.
Just living every hangover
alone.
Since I will now make a promise
to be
Sober.

Getting up in the morning,
my highest strength indeed.
No one ever calls out to me
in great need.
Blown off every second,
knowing they are unfair.
Can't show this through tears.
Unaware that I care.
The people I now see,
willing to hear.
We are there to listen to
every story and fear.
Drinks and pills
not to define any of us.
Smoking and venting
because we trust.
Everyone of us has been beaten,
all shut down one of the yesterday.
Knowing and so close,
we just say
what we need
to say.

I walk out of my glass house onto a pebble driveway.
My jeep sits there parked on the left.
I'm not going to drive it now.
It's late,
and my anger has the best of me.
Tying my physical actions to my mad-at-the-world mentality.
It was a moment,
it will be passed but remembered.
Should I be the responsible once of another wrong?
Throwing a stone at another house like mine won't solve anything.
I would rather let go of one wrong since two won't make a right.
I put down the stone,
go back to my glass house, let it not be shattered.
That is where my home is.
My heart may not be there too,
it was only a moment.
I'll retrieve my heart again.

A phone call is something I jump to
within excitement of being reached.
This one is serious,
and  my voice cracks as I say good bye
and hang up.
I always said It would be better
if my existence faded.
The news tells me I am important.
There are things to be dealt with and
possible consequences and changes to be faced.
Not every change is a consequence,
not all news is bad,
not all thoughts of dying are true
until you learn
it could be real.
It is hard when this is the end.
Don’t even want to think about a new
beginning.

Give me an Orr.
Just something I can use,
To get away from my troubles.
I'll strengthen my arms,
To push the boat
And let my past be behind me
As I'm overruled
By current.

Give me a saddle.
And I'll need a horse.
To gallop me away
From the bugs who don't know
When to stop,
And the dogs who don't know
When to not come in.

Though the mail comes in,
I open my letter sitting at a wood
Table.
It is from a friend, who wants to know
How
I'm
Doing.
So they care about me.

Oh,
How could I ever leave?
I know I'm needed
And I need you.
I am not going to
Take you away from the world we love.
Through your love,
I'll stay.
I would rather go
On a boat and horse ride
With the people in my life.

And you'll need me
To pull you iut of the water when you drown.
And whenever you're up on the horse,
And you fall,
I'll be there to
Pick you up
Again.

I am defeated by publicity, these pens run out of ink for a reason.
None of my thoughts deserve to be on paper, therefore the sheets are blank and the journals remain closed and put away so even I can't find them.
I wanted this for myself and nobody quite understands.
I have begged, I have pleaded, I have fallen to my knees to show how I feel for them.
They roll their eyes and walk away every time.
Remind me, that i am just here. A person. And I don't have to matter.

The nonsensical and immature,
the sharp and the emotional,
whatever they see,
love or disapprove.
Know it won't go away.
It is a part of me,
though I shall work on,
but I cannot toss.
Must hold with a firm grasp
in my palm.
Control the unwanted,
dictate the insufferable.
No matter what I do,
it doesn't flee from the inside.
It's a part of me.
I appreciate your concern,
but every condescending
tone and comment
hurts me so deep.
Whatever I do,
that may discomfort your soul,
I love myself no matter
and to those who have acted as giants
and looked down at me like a hobbit.
I may seem young,
but my easy-going vibe
intimidates nobody who needs somebody.
We all need love,
we need comfort and affection.
Despite my
people who treat me as their child.
I am far more grown up,
and you know better than that.
Equality, Integrity, Fair, and
Kind.
Is what you will sense when you approach me
for the first time in your life.
Now forget the quirks,
the cries,
and discomforting chat.
That part of me is now what makes me
this loving, persevered, optimistic woman.
The part that we care most about,
is my Good.
It is the best part of me.
And that is the best part that I will see,
in You.

How dare you invite yourself
and interrupt every bit of me being happy and glad?
Now that you've come in me
I'm nothing but enraged and mad.
Broken glass everywhere
and empty shelves that held food.
Get out of me, Depression
I want to be in a better mood.
You're selfish
you're unreal
you wreck my relationships
my happiness is what you steal?
Get out of me now
I want to live okay again.
Get out now,
take a walk,
you're like a faux friend.
When will you ever claim your time to end?

Love lasts,
Never labels of what we call.
Times change,
But staying friends is best of all.
Still here, still care about each other.
With a person like you,
I will never find another.

Both you and I should have known
that it is wrong to tell your girl if she
wants her man to stay she must remain
thin.
Never did I starve but I was hungry for
acceptance by you of how I really
Looked.
Only time you were happy to see me was
if my dress was a million dollars and if my
chest hinted what my blouse covered.
When we were alone you never let me cover
up.
I had to confess every questioning thought I had of you before this became love.
If there was love,
You would have been ok with my body for what it was.
Stepping on the scale that morning should have been a warning sign that you were breaking up with me.
Today, since I don't have to see you,
I don't choose rebellion and eat like I did when I was with you but I can pose in the mirror with no judgement of what I look like.
You never said it, but you always hinted I had
something missing.

Trouble is borrowed

Danger is given

Crisis is taken

Drama is lent by two

Problems are forced

Acts are stolen

When
           Nobody
Gets
        What
They hope
                   For

Nothing is harder when you figure out
What the future is soon going to hold.
Talking on the phone, you called for the third time today.
The person you love responds within the power and the tone quality of their one voice, they
hand over  the mean and worthy truth of their honest feelings.
They hang up after sounding like they want to let you go.
The next morning You look at your palms with leftover tears and black eyeliner.
You cried all night knowing that you wasted your plans in life dreaming of being together for good.
Whether nothing you wanted together sounds promising, or the one you thought you would have forever can only say "I can't take it anymore", keep your hands, head, and heart open for an optimistic stage in life and different people to love.
Whatever is hard but meant to be held,
Hold it the best you know you will and can.
Anything that shall pass and is in hands for the last time,
Just grasp it,
Learn from it,
Put it down,
And
Let it go.

I'm sure you hope we're happy now.
Seeing us together with our new and blessed
friends must bring you all to tears.
We understand,
but now we're happy and at ease.
Was it real was always the
question
as we would fight and try to take comfort.
The answer,
was always
no.

Though I may not be with you,
the dress on your date may not be worn by me.
I hope you had fun tonight,
set all your uptight free.
I'm happy for you
it's only better to smile.
Seeing you and your new girl
I now am alright with moving on
it just took me a while.
The time is here I am patient at last.
No anger is driven by looking at the past.
It was a swell time to have you as a possibility.
Just go have fun at the dance with her,
no need to spare
a thought
for me.

While the world was changing
our different beliefs were
furiously ascending.
They used to be intriguing as I’d be shooting
a rifle and you would be marching with me
in a fight for women’s rights.
Now you’re being sexist and I’m for
control.
Never thought the reality of beliefs in
legal eyes would take us on a toll.
I stood and panicked as you held my hands
and offered to take me.
You looked to the side of the room near the door
when I talked about my feminist spirit and what
it means to me.
We two great people so passionate and
holding our beliefs in a clutch
got to be overbearing and  then anxiety said it
was too much.
I tried too hard you tried  even harder.
Breaks my heart that different views of
federal and state cases did not let this relationship
go farther.
You’re gone and bullets are raining in your life.
I see no more of your face and I never again feel
your touch.
I guess what I want in this world is happening through
LGBT and Gun Control,
perhaps I’m too good AND
too much.

I rush to sit down when I hear your call.
I see it is you and I know what I have to do.
I press the green button.
God knows what you are about to say to me.
I want to say I don’t care
But I am obligated to hear everything since you
Have chosen me to be your Doctor.
I am no such thing and never will nor
Want to be.
I have spent hours on the phone with you
Every single day even when I never had time to.
I have heard countless terrible stories and
Listened carefully
Even
If I didn’t
Want to.
I understand what you are going through
But know I am going through something too.
Soon we will find the opening to the tunnel
We walk through everyday.
Just act like I am there.
Know it will be ok.
I can assure you but cannot
Take every punch for you.
I can listen but I cannot
Sacrifice every minute of my life for you.
I can call you friend
But you cannot call me Doctor.
It is never too late to start again
But I cannot do half of it
for you.

I ended up getting a life
but I left some space
for you.
I believe in new beginnings
but also in
follow through.