Loneliness is a record player
Sitting in an attic
With no record

It is when you look into life’s mirror
And see you’re not alone
You see the monster of your mind creeping up behind you
Whispering loud enough that only you can hear

Loneliness is the loudest silent scream of them all
Yet no one can hear how loud you feel it
Through any bathroom stall

I can't cut
No more
No
No
No
I promised

But the feelings are so strong
Overflowing me
I need them to pour down my arm
And out of my body

I can't
I can't be that weak
I just need to breathe
...
My lungs fail me

But no
No
No
I can't reach for it
Not allowed
Not anymore
Done with that, right?
I really just want to grab the knife
Razor
Needle
Anything
And end this misery
At least soothe it a little

But no
No
No
No
I can't

"what do you wanna do, Liana?"
My mom asks me

"Death"
I respond


"Do you want to eat something?"

"No, I just want to die"


"What are you thinking about?"

"My death"

She laughs
Smiles
She doesn't understand
She doesn't want to understand I'm not joking
When I'm telling her

"What do you want to do tomorrow?"
She asks

"I don't want a tomorrow. I want to die"
I answer

She giggles
"That's not an option" she chuckles
She doesn't know

And I'm cold in my bed
Tired
Pillow covered in tears because that's where they're used to falling
And I just want to be loved

And I know I am by my friends
And my family
But I want to be stuck in someone's head
And I want them to rub my arm and make me a little bit less cold
And maybe have my tears land on their shoulder instead

I want to be the poem and not the poet for once

what an ugly person.
they look so stupid.
it makes me angry.
i want to **** them.
why do they still live?
they don't deserve to.
i punch them,
and the mirror shatters,
the shards lined with blood.

love me in the crowded room
where no one is watching
watch me dance among the stars
and bellow at the wind

let me sing my worries
and whisper my joys

love me like you love the falling leaves
with your hands tucked in your pockets
before jumping in with everything

love me like you aren’t afraid
in a crowded room
for someone to see you

taking too much
eating too little
cutting too deep
being too shallow

i don't think
my parents will accept me
if they found out who i really am
cold blooded
heart-scarred
and frozen over

clamoring voices
twist and turn
around me
melodies strange
each utterance
a puzzle,
a din
unbearable

I watch them
laughter rises
like smoke from fire
merry-making
joy
in their faces

I stand
at the banks
of their flowing
mother tongue,
I cannot cross;
I feel the divide

the song
of my culture
the lyrics
I cannot sing
lost in
the sound
understanding
eludes me

traditions and dances
warmth
of their fire
a distant craving
too distant
I feel nothing
but bitterness

lights dimming
the weight of
shame
bears down
upon me;
I shall know
no release