i know i am an abomination
i know you wish i were never born
i know that my existence defines your ruin
well guess what?
me.
f**king.
too.
i do not wish to be here.
i never asked for this.
and yet,
i love you endlessly.
and i always will
for i do not know anything else.

i do not know a world where i have not loved you and you have not hurt me

i was all but 7,
the first time i hated the number i saw on the scale.
u fed that to me.
and 7 year old me,
all she wanted was to become the version of herself that was worthy of your love.
i know that i am not worthy of your love.
i know.
and i'm sorry..

ever feel
like a brat? so unfair,
like you'd trade it all? live bare
give up your bed, hit the streets.
to justify your hurt; make it feel complete?

you see,
we know we shouldn't feel this way.
food to eat, a place to stay.
is it selfish to want a break?
a moment of peace
for goodness sake?

or maybe i'm just a soul too deep
a secret i'm trying to keep.

it keeps coming
the fights, the arguments
u scream the worst things one could hear
u make my insides twist and gnaw at themselves
u make my insides want to eat me whole
u make me feel that pathetic
and then
u come to my room at night
and try to make everything alright

when the lights go out,
i am swallowed by nothingness.
it settles like a blanket over me —
but it is heavy.

the world becomes gaps and blanks.
my mind fills them.
it paints them with my worst fears:
murderers, monsters, you.
you come alive in the dark.
you lurk in the corners,
waiting for the moment
i blink.

but the images don’t move.
they are stagnant-
still, yet smothering,
seeping into skin
and squeezing the breath from my chest.

i say i’m scared of the dark,
but truly,
i fear the corners of my mind
and what they birth
when i’m alone long enough
to let them speak.

capricious: (adjective) an outcome driven by sudden, unpredictable change

your head gets heavy
a feeling of doom springs about
it lingers
enveloping you in fumes of doubt
it sets in, a cloud above your head.

it takes control
a silent, grey dread

colours fade out,
light grows dim
the heaviness spreads,
filling your eyes to the brim
shades of grey is all you can see

you search for colour,
desperately
to bring you back to reality

for the world you knew
sinks beneath the tide
into the dark abyss
of your mind
where shadows hide.

the abyss becomes all you know.