What a joke.

To think that I'd
Ever rank high
On someone's list
Of important things.

I used to.
When it was new
And fresh
And you didn't
Realize
How damaged
I actually am.

And now I'm unsure
If you even
Want to talk to me
At all.

Seeing things that aren't there,
*******.

I just want you to be happy to hear from me,
Happy to see me,
Happy to have me
Around.

I'll never be that
For anyone.

The other day,
You told me that you think
We'll always be together.
That even in death,
We will be together in spirit.

I smiled in that sad way I have a habit of,
And I tried to remind you
That you don't believe in any of that stuff.

You were quiet for what felt too long.

And then you said,
"I believe in true love."

Today I checked the mail,
And there was an envelope.
It was addressed to us, as a family.

I have never been part of
A genuine family before.
I have never been part of something
That doesn't deteriorate and fall apart.

Before looking at that envelope,
I had never realized how badly
I wanted that.

And while I still don't know how to stay,
And I'm afraid I never will,
And I'm terrified that I can't,

The idea of leaving is becoming
Much less feasible
And much harder to think about.

The galaxies in your eyes
make me dizzy
and the way you glance at me
makes me hope you'd miss me.

and your voice
spurs life in me
and your touch
makes me melt.

I wonder if you see
the way you mean to me.

and if you understand
the guilt I feel
for the damage done to me
and how easily you undo me
and my facades.

so this is the starting line
where our lives begin
from here on out.
this is where two become one
and one becomes two
in all the best ways.

Things are tough sometimes.

keep going.

the path will be dangerous sometimes.

keep walking.

your feet will ache. Your hands will shake. Your stomach will hurt. Your eyes will itch from all the grime and dirt.

keep moving forward.

people will be cruel. They'll want you to fail. You'll be able to see it in their eyes.

don't listen to them, don't look at them.

you'll get scared, of everything. Of people and places that you consider home.

don't let it happen.

you'll want to curl up and lay in a ball until you're shaking enough that you don't know how to stop.

do it. But not for too long. Breathe. Get back up. Keep walking.

you'll feel fear at your back and in your head. It'll try eating you alive, and you might even want to let it.

you can't do that. You're better than that, stronger than that.

you'll have enough scars that you lose count.

keep counting them.

you'll lose your appetite from the fear, from the hatred, from the regret, the guilt.

keep trying to eat. Even if it's just a little bit. (a wise Bluebird once told me that.)

remember, the night is always darkest before dawn.

You want to travel the world,
And do things for the sake of thrill.
I crave the stability I grew up without,
And my dream is for a happy family.

I've given up on dreams of travelling far away,
I've given up on hopes of finding new places.
I've given up on aspirations to journey
And open my worldview.

I gave up those dreams,
Because I never thought I could have that,
And the kind of stability
That makes you feel safe at night,
When the flashbacks wake you up in cold sweats
And vivid smells you know aren't there.

But you're the kind of person
Who gave me an entire galaxy
When I only asked for a star.

So if you want to see the world,
And if you want to travel far and wide,
Then please remember to take my hand,
And slow your pace.
Because I want to be by your side
The entire time.

How dare you
insinuate
imply
that I look to hurt
I look to harm.

how dare you
infer
that I would ever
use ones weakness against them.

I am a monster in my own right,
over wrought with self destructive tendencies,
but do not confuse me
for something I will never be.

I would never hurt the one I love,
whether it be physically or mentally
or to emasculate.

my intent
is never malicious
and you dare to question
my motives.

a cry from a fool,
and yet I have allowed it to sliver
under my skin,
like the insect
it is.

know fully well
that my intent is kind
and my actions and words
are sincere.

leave be your wedges,
or be met with a ferocity like no other.

You're asleep,
And i'm cooking dinner,
And i listen to your thoughts
Whe you choose to speak them
Because i like hearing your worldview
And your voice levels me.

But sometimes i need to talk,
And i feel like i'm an annoyance
And whatevet excites me
Doesn't really
Matter

And it's that way with most.

I've had my likes called stupid
My confessions of triggers called cancer
So why should you
Hear me?

I'm falling into the
Just-because-it's-not-all-the-time-
It's-okay
Mindset
Again

­And that's not okay.

I've never been
One to allow myself
To get invested
And attached.

But hey, look.
You're something
I'd definitely have trouble
Getting over,
If I got over you
At all.

It was written
In my book of life,
Using my blood as ink,
Not that I mind.

I have scars to bare,
That show my own story,
That I wrote
However poorly.

And I remember vividly,
I believe it was seventh grade,
Other students stirring a panic,
Because I drew a rainstorm
In red ink.

And I remember
Confessing my ailment,
And it being used against me.

I remember
The destruction of my name
Upon things I'd never dare to do.

For mortal men
Will not find pride in your smile,
Rather shame in your scowl.

But such is the nature of cowards,
And I have found
That I am needless
Of cowards,
And cowards are hopeless.

I have found
In search through the mortal kind,
A being of the same like
As myself.

While our differences are
Many,
What makes us the same
Is powerful
And compatible
Enough.

Now, darling dear,
I have made a choice.
If they would halt their attacks,
I will finally
Erase myself
From his narrative,

For you are the
Only choice for me.

It is human nature
To feel torn down
But it is the nature
Of hope
To build you back up.

I am what the world was
Before you grasped it between your
Too-warm hands and crushed it into
Nothing more than shrapnel.

You left me there,
With my heart spilling out of my mouth,
With your words tangled up in my throat,
And you told them I was just
"Collateral Damage."

But when I shoved my insides
Back inside
And stitched myself up
With shards of broken glass for a needle
And thread made from nerve endings,
I saw your eyes widen in shock.

You didn't think I had it in me.
You didn't think I'd make it.
You didn't think I would really fight with everything I have.
You didn't think that even if I did, that I'd have enough to win.

You were wrong.

I am the color of your eyes
Before you turned your back and said
"Goodbye."
What I mean is,
I am a shade of something
That is so beautiful,
But could turn so ugly, so quickly,
With a single sneer.

I am the old dog
That reminds you of the dog you grew up with.
I have the same knowing eyes,
The same playful grin.
You look at me,
Eyes filled with anger,
Hands shoving me away from you,
Because you remember doing everything together
With that dog.
You ate together,
Played together,
But one day when you both fell asleep for an afternoon nap,
Only one of you woke up.

I still don't think you've forgiven yourself for that.

I try not to think about it.
About how "No," (or, more accurately depicted: "NO!")
Wasn't a valid answer.
Or how my first line of defense
Was the 4,000+ page Civil War Encyclopedia
On my nightstand.

I try not to think
Of the ways I've been reduced to an object.
I try not to think of my silent tears,
Or wanting to light my skin on fire.

I try not to think of my older brother's anger,
Or the confusion and passive rage
When I explained what it meant to my little brothers'.

I try not to think of my foster mother,
Who instantly accused me of lying
Because I was too scared to come forward with it sooner.

I try not to think
About how I still kind of hate her for that.

I try not to think
About the male friends who told me to get over it.
About the male friends who didn't believe me until they asked him,
And judged his behavior about it for themselves.
About the male friends who didn't understand what the big deal was.

I try not to think
About the female friends who didn't want to believe me.
About the female friends who left because I became too difficult.
About the female friends who left because they were no longer the center of attention.
About the female friends who didn't want to understand because it was too much trouble.

I try not to think
Of the way it destroyed my relationships, six platonic, three familial, and one romantic.

I try not to think
Of how I want to blame myself,
Even though I'm better off without those people,
All of them.

I try not to think
About how it destroys me
Little by little,
But only on the bad days.

I try not to think
About how I was messed up
Long before that.
About how I was a possession to my father,
So becoming an object to another man
Was really no different.

I try not to think.

I have sunset eyes
That see through facades
And every disguise
You could front.

I have midnight eyes,
That create oceans of tears,
Produced from lies,
Yours, theirs, and mine.

I have sunset eyes,
That bring forth life
And revitalize
Those without purpose.

I have midnight eyes,
That pierce through your soul,
And no one really can realize
Until it's too late.

But you have sky blue eyes,
That hold the sun just around your pupils.
And your eyes remind me
That I too can fly.

Your eyes are sky blue,
With a sunny forecast ahead.

I always thought blue eyes were pretentious,
And that brown eyes were boring.

But when I first fell in love with you,
I could feel the honesty flowing off you,
And when I touched you that fateful Saturday,
In a friendly hug,
Gentle kindness rolled off of your colors,
And I was finally home.

And now when I look in your eyes,
I am reminded that blue is now my second favorite color,
And when you look at me,
I realize brown isn't so bad
Either.

Thunder cracks overhead,
And I'm playing happy music as loud as I can
Or else my dog will bark loudly and continuously until she barks herself to sleep.

And my hands are shaking slightly,
There's a reason I hate storms
And rain
And thunder.
I used to love it
And find peace in it.

But every time the thunder cracks
And I see the lightening behind the blinds
And the rain splatting across the windows,
I feel sick and scared and small.

If I pretend it's not there
I'll be okay
But I keep going back and back and back.

I'm in the back of my closet,
I'm ten years old
And mom's not okay
And where do we go
From here?
And the rain won't stop
The thunder won't stop,
Just me and my dog
Comforting me.

But now
I'm on the catwalk and suddenly
I'm destroyed and suffocated/suffocating
And my screams aren't loud enough
To pierce the thunder
And fall below
Because no one wanted to see
Just how bad it was.
And when it was over,
I found no comfort in the drops of rain
Hitting the roof like bullets,
No comfort in the crack of lightning
And the roar of the thunder.

My wish for finding meaning in a storm
Was swiftly and seemingly endlessly twisted
And contorted
Into a complete fear
Of any spontaneity I once had
And any sense of adventure
That was once mine.

And my dog barks at the thunder
As it tears open the sky,
And I flinch at the sound,
Hiding in a sweatshirt that isn't mine.

And I can't shake it,
But there's got to be something better
Than being afraid of rain.

And I'm hoping the storm passes
With ease.

Stupid, awful tears
Won't stop threatening to fall.
Out of fear that either I ****** up
Or I'm just not being quick enough on the uptake.

Not like that ******* matters.
There's this weird feeling of being
Disappointed with myself.
I should have quarantined myself
For the day
No food
No sleep
Leaves me sad and angry,
Touchy and easily upset.

I want to sleep
So maybe I can dream of you instead of
Experiencing the cold that is in my bones.

But I love you,
And I'm sorry
Because my eye lids feel like lead
And I miss you.

You asked what you're going to do with me,
I said keep me around,
You jokingly said "I don't know..." I think.

But my heart suddenly panicked,
Please don't take it back. Don't put me back.
And I'm not doubting you, but boy, do I doubt me.

**** sleeping tonight,
I'm going to sleep now.
I hope you're sleeping well,
And know that I love you and I'm sorry.

I know you'll tell me not to apologize,
But I have to because I want to be in your arms rather than shivering on this couch.

I don't know how to break the news to you,
But I think this has become terminal.

I can't just erase my scars with ointment,
Get a shot,
And pop some pills daily,
And be entirely cured.

The pills keep it at bay,
Farther than it would be.

But I'm a ticking time bomb.
Without the pills,
I would have already gone off.

With them,
It only pushes off the inevitable.

I will be better,
Better than before.
Better than this.
Better, in a respect.

But I will never actually
Get better,
Will I?

I don't know how to break the news to you,
But I think I've become terminal.

I have eleven years in my possession,
All of which I spent loving you,
And drowning in various fantastical obsessions.

I have eleven whispers of regret,
Eleven whispers of doubt,
Eleven whispers of "turn around."

I have eleven months in my possession,
Eleven months of good intentions.

I have eleven screaming words
Piercing my ear drums.
Tell me that you don't care,
You won't care.

I have eleven days in my possession,
Eleven days this will go without mention.

I have eleven needless thoughts,
Pushing and pushing until my eyes flood with tears.
You won't notice.

I have eleven itching scars on just my hands and arms in my possession,
Of all the times I needed someone,
But there was no one to hear my amnesia-esque confessions.

You'd cry only enough to get attention.
You'd mourn in ways I'd disapprove of.
You'd fabricate details of my life
That I'd adamantly demand you to
Take back.

You would say that you knew what was best for me,
But you hardly know what's best for yourself.
And my heart pounds out of my chest with excitement
At the thought of finally escaping you.

I don't want to die,
But I'm sure you'd use that opportunity
To be as self serving as ever.

You talk and talk and talk
Of betrayal.
Of me never being part of the family again,
And I hope you know,
I knew all this before.

The worst betrayal I did to you
Was walk away from you
When you were hurting me.

I could fade into dust
Within your arms,
And be glad that my last sight
Was you.

But I don't want to fade to dust.
Because I don't want to experience
A life (or afterlife)
Without you.

And while I will gladly wait,
I just want to feel you beside me.

And maybe I was out of luck,
Until I fell for you,
But trust me,
I fell hard enough
That I would know
If you were worth falling for.

And you're more than worth it.

But upon my falling,
You pulled me up with you,
And showed me how to fly.

Almost but never quite there.
Love lasts but rarely long enough to hold a stare.
Over and over the wheels turn over.
Never ever quite getting it.
Even though you tried, it just wasn't good enough.

Within the foliage,
And within the sunlight,
Will you find me?

And who am I to be?
Lost in curse words and violence,
My presence is small,
But my words are bigger than me.

I am but a simple thief,
Stealing your heart,
And sooner or later,
I'll take your last name
As mine as well.

Maybe I've seen too much,
Maybe I've bled too often.
But you are the reason
Hardship is nothing
To me.

I have enough faith,
Enough hope,
That the sun will come out
Sooner or later.

So my phone's battery is flashing,
and we're watching a movie I've seen a thousand times.
Anxiety's eating away at me
Because I want to make a good impression
and the thought of being in the town of
Leesburg scares me a lot.

But with you by my side,
And maybe a pen and paper
I think I'll make it just fine.

But the desire to hide under a blanket
And wish the world away
or at least that part of town,
is tempting.

I feel like I'm not worth your time,
But otherwise I'm okay.

I feel like my skin is crawling and I want to scrub my flesh
Until it bleeds,
But otherwise I'm okay.

I'm afraid to be alone right now
Because I'm sick of finding all the darkest places
In the depths of my mind.
But otherwise I'm okay.

I'm missing you,
And I'm hoping you miss me too.
And maybe I'm a lost cause,
But I hope I'm worth it.

Love is listening to the same story
because they forgot they already told it to you
but you don't care
because you love the way their eyes shine
when telling it.

love is bonding with their sibling
over anything you can manage
because family is important
and so are they.

love is watching them play the same games
and listening to the same explanations
about the game
because you love how excited and focused they get.

love is sitting with nothing to do
while they play
because cuddling and cracking a horrible joke
is more than enough.

love isn't not eating what they don't like.
love is getting them food they love
even if you hate the food itself.

love is making a pouty face
if only to make them smile.

love is witty banter
met with an understanding heart.

love is awkward explanations
that are met with sympathy and/or laughter.

love is picking up right where you left off.

love is taking the dive
off the cliff
only to find that you're flying.

love is trusting the other person,
no matter what situation or circumstance.

love is waiting patiently
and only rushing if necessary or if it plays into a joke.

love is laughter
love is resolving any problem through teamwork and a lack of doubt.

love is a learning experience
that lasts a lifetime.

love is
or it isn't.

and finally
love is.

I feel like my head is spinning

But when I look in the mirror,
It rests on my neck, tilted slightly to the left,
As though out of curiosity,
Just like always.

I feel like my chest is caving in

But when I touch my sternum to check my breathing,
It's sits firmly in place,
Only moving with the quick rise and fall of my lungs.

I feel like my throat is closing,

But I drink water and it goes down smooth,
But I wish to god it would drown something,
Not me but the me I was.
The me I'll never be.
The me I've always been.
The me that wasn't good enough
The me that wasn't worth keeping around,
The me that he tossed out like garbage.
The me that you signed away.

But I swallow the water.
It is cold in my stomach,
And it sits there,
Sending shivers through my body until it becomes the same slightly-colder-than-average-but-warmer-than-this
Temperature as the rest of me.

If only.

Sometimes i'm okay,
And, i guess, sometimes i'm not.

And sometimes i'm great,
And sometimes, i guess, i'm not.

Sometimes
I'm a sunny day.
I'm all cloudless skies
And blooming flowers
And green, green grass.

And sometimes i'm a starry night.
Usually, i'm a starry night.
And it's not that i'm sad or shutting you out,
It's just that if there's too much light
You can't see the stars.


But sometimes i'm a hurricane.
I'm all heavy downpouring rain
And lightning
And winds that tear everything
And everyone
Down.
I'm so destructive,
Self destructive
But if i said it never hurt anyone else
I'd be lying.

But sometimes,
I guess,
I'm Orion's belt
And Ursa Minor,
And the milky way.
And i'm all stardust and shining planets
And burning hydrogen.

Sometimes, i am beautiful.

And, i guess, sometimes i'm just okay.

It astounds me
The way it sounds to me
When you almost-bitterly laugh,
Like it's so ridiculous and you're not quite
Getting the point or the question,
But you laugh anyway,
Because it's obvious to you when you explain
"I brag about you."
Or
"Because I love you."

And there's an edge to your voice,
But it's almost delightful,
It's a type of sharp warmth,
A type of stinging comfort.

It astounds me
The way it sounds to me,
When your voice is loving and gentle,
When you're understanding and kind.

And it's astounding
That you found me,
Whistling and singing and humming,
Amid the ashen trees and soot-stained grasses.

And among ever light step you took towards me
I would flit and fly away,
Leaving a trail of violet and daffodil petals in my wake.
But you perched in my tree,
And I buzzed and hummed along your trail to me,
And upon finding me and the burning embers
Of the fires I have a tendency to ignite,
You captured the remains of my heart
That you didn't already have,
And when I took to the sky,
You followed suit,
With a flight pattern a little more sensible,
A little more practiced than mine.
As though you were much more prepared
For the oncoming tidal waves of feelings,
Than I was for the familiarity of them.

Don't you recognize me?

Don't you see it?

It's me, the monster you made.

It's me, don't you see?

You created this.

I have no rage left for anyone else.
I have no venom for anyone else.

All this toxicity,
All this poison,
It's all yours.

Every spider crawling up your spine,
Every chill choking at your throat,
Every burning tear leaking out
Of your yellow, bloodshot eyes.

It is I,
It is me,
The monster you made.

"Why can't I just be more confident?"

Let me get straight to the point.

I'm not confident.

I might not always think I'm worthwhile,
But I'm getting there.

I know I'm not terrible looking,
But that is never enough.
I have to be thinner,
My eyes can't be brown,
I need to have clearer skin,
My waist needs to be smaller,
My stomach needs to be flatter.
My hair needs to be softer and have more volume.
Maybe even curl a little.

All these thoughts that I would fight tooth and nail against my friends if they dared to think this negatively about themselves.

I'm a hypocrite, what can I say?

Though I have been conditioned
From the day I could voice my own opinions, from the day I didn't want my mother dressing me up,
To believe I have no value other than my appearance.
To believe that I have no worth as anything but a pretty little doll, and having even that revoked.

My parents would call me "pretty" and "precious",
But when I stood up for myself when they would lash out at me
I was "ugly" and "rude".

They're still like that.
Voicing my opinions around them
Never goes well.

Manipulative friendships and two ex's later,
I'm this way.

I am unsure of everything. Every compliment could be revoked at any second.

Same with any type of love.

The only reason I know I'm better than those who have hurt you,
Is because the only thing I'm arrogant about
Is the empathy and vicious protectiveness in my heart.

But I'll never be
Super confident,
Like the women who reel men in like fish,
Devour their hearts,
And throw them back into the water.

But I know I am strong.
Stronger than you know.
I've been told it's incredible
That I can still be so soft and sincere
And caring
After going through
My own little hell.

And maybe that is my strength.
I still have a heart,
After refusing to sell my soul to Death.

I am confident in at least that much.

I've got running away running through my veins,
And I'd like nothing more
Than to stay.

And I remember
Days of packed bags
And the unknown,
And days of color
Or days of grey.
I remember every person,
Who never intended to stay.

If I breathe in the rain,
I can recall picking fights,
And my own wrong-doings,
But if I breathe out for too long,
It fades away like fog,
And I am left with the reasons I am strong.

And maybe today,
I remember the grey
And those who never intended
To stay.
But tomorrow is for color,
And all that I always wanted to do and say.

I've still got running away running through my veins,
But I've made the choice that I'm going to stay.

Except i don't.
but let's roll with it

I want to bleed
all the ways
you aspire me to
I want to bleed
all the colors
you could imagine.

I want to be beautiful
even when no ones watching.
I want to be the sunset
the sunrise.
I want to be the sunlight
for you
on your darkest days.

I want to be bleed
and I want to feel
and I want to be
everything you desire.

and I'm not the brightest
my cynicism has made me dull.
and I'm not the prettiest,
I know too many truths
to let myself become nothing more
than my smile.

heed my words,
heed my warnings.

I am more than you desire--

I hope you can handle it.

By the very meaning of my name,
I am strife.
I am war.
I am doom.

By the very definition of my name,
I am violence,
I am hurt,
I am life and all the pain that you must endure
To understand happiness or light.

By the very essence of my being
I do not give up.
I do not give in.
The only thing I give
Is all I've got.

I am surprised
That you have accepted me,
Anger,
Sadness,
Constant needs for attention
And all.

But I am not surprised because of you.

You are beautifully caring,
And strong like no other.
You are the type of person
I have needed
For quite some time.

But I will do all I can
To love you
With all I am.

You are my heart,
My soul,
And above all else,
The most important person
And thing
In my life.

Thank you,
For clearing the fog of anger
And fear
Out of my head.

Your strength
Will be rewarded
With love,
Cuddles,
And probably some type of food.

(And lifelong commitment and loyalty, but y'know.)

I fall easily for knowledge,
For interesting facts,
And peculiar information.
Things that most people
Don't know,
Which leads me to not knowing
Things that most people
Do know.

I had a little cousin
Who used to think I made it rain
When I was sad or angry.
And she used to be absolutely livid with me
When it rained.

There were points in time,
Where I was such a mess,
And the rain was so unrelenting,
That some small, childish part of me
Partially believed her.
But maybe that was my
Ability to take guilt from anything.

People used to say
That I have a chip on my shoulder,
That I have rain clouds
trailing behind me.

It used to be,
That if you wanted to find me,
I could be found on the front porch
Of my foster parents home,
Sitting in one of the rocking chairs
That used to out there,
Listening to the rain,
Watching the storms,
Reading T.S. Eliot or Edgar Allen Poe,
Or something.

That was before.

Now hearing the rain makes me flinch
And I can't watch it,
And I can't let myself focus on it,
But if it's the only thing to focus on
That's all I hear and I'm stuck in the past.

Now if you want to find me,
I don't know where to point you to.
I'm relearning myself.
Damage and all.

Bleeding out the wound
Only makes the infection worse.
No one ever asks
"Why are you bleeding?"
They only ever demand that you apologize
For bleeding on their shirt.

Forget me
Just let me
Cry it out.

Forget me
Just let me
Cry it out.

The scars
On my hands and wrists
Are years old
And I've done nothing
To rid myself
Of them.

They're proof that I
Survived
Myself,
My greatest adversary.
My only antagonist
Is currently just me.
I'm my own worst
Enemy.

Forget me
Just let me
Bleed it out

Forget me
Just let me
Bleed it out

Crying it out only ever
Makes the problem worse.
No one ever asks "Why are you crying?"
They only ever demand
That you stop.

Pain is a dangerous thing to be felt.

Hurt is a dangerous thing to be.

I hate being this way.
Bleeding over and over and over
For someone else's wound.
Someone else's pain.
An empathetic heart,
Feeling the hurt of those around me
Unwillingly
Unwarranted.

Internalizing
My pain
And yours.

And I'm stuck
Trying to sort out
Whose pain is whose
And what pain is mine.
And I'm shaking and cold
Because I can feel something
And it isn't mine
But the colors from it are much too familiar.

My mother always said
My empathy makes me a good person,
But I hate it.
I hurt too much.
My hear bleeds too much.
I cry too much,
Because it gets overwhelming.

Have you ever met a person who loves and feels too much?
I haven't, but I am one.
It's dangerous and annoying.
We get attached. We get angry at those who hurt you.
We become relentless in our quests to set things right.

Sometimes I feel like
My heart is going to bleed out,
And everything is
Red and violet and black.

Pain is a dangerous thing to be felt.

Hurt is a dangerous thing to be.

You are
The ire
That burns the ice
In my gaze

The bones
My wolf dog grinds down
With his fangs

You are the dust
Left in my mortar and pestle

You are the ash
Left by the lightning
From my storm.

I call it
I call it
I call it to thee
I call it
I call it
I call it to thee.

I am the quaking, I am the end.
I am the shaking, I am the bend.
I am the wind, the thunder,
The rumble
That breaks your bones,
You scream,
You beg
But fire will not relent,
And you will not forget.

You have crossed
The wrong Storm Siren.

If I were colder
I would be bolder
And if I were stronger
It would take longer
To break me apart.

But I am
Who I am
And I'd rather be me
Than anyone else.

For the friends that hold
My heart
Don't know of the part
They play
That keeps the darkness
At bay.

And my light
My love
Knows that I am his
And that he is mine,
And in time
I will be whole and healed.

Nope.
I'm sorry.
You don't know
This new me.

I'm made up of sunshine storms
And bravery.

With yellow petals
Of daffodils
Stuffed inside a skin
Stitched together with
Ivy vines
Out of inky parchment.

He knows this new me
Because I'm sure he'd see me
Properly
Through the storms
I have weathered,
My stitches
Only fraying
Ever the slightest,
While I scream in pain.

And his eyes shine with admiration
And for the longest time
I realized that I am not only good,
But worthy.

You do not know
This new me.

I am stitched of tarnished shields
And golden opportunity.

Who are you?
I'm afraid I do not know
This new you.

Made of lies, vapid narcissism,
And cruelty.

It does not fit
With the new me.

I keep my mouth shut,
As they praise your lies,
And my truths are demonized.

And it's beautiful,
Because they'll leave you behind soon,
Like you left me with nothing and no hope.

But my faith in the future
And my faith in my friends
Will keep me moving forward,
While you're lost at sea

Without the new me.

My hands are always freezing cold,
Unless I'm somehow touching you.

Not the generic,
Clammy cold hands.
No,
Cold, and dry, and soft to the touch.
As though I stuck my hands in dry ice
Long enough for my hands to be frozen,
But not long enough for my skin to peel.

My feet are even colder.

But when I touch you,
Or you touch me,
It's like my body all of a sudden decided
"Let's have proper blood circulation,"
And then I over heat,
Because being warm isn't something I'm used to.

And I feel like something about this
Is a fantastic metaphor
For my bravado of cool and calm and apathetic
Melting all of a sudden,
All because of you.

I have bruises
On the inside
That grow to the outside.
I have bruises on my heart,
That grow inside my mind.

I have bruises
On my thighs
And scratches
On my shins.

All these things
From dreams I can't unsee.

I dreamnt that I couldn't save any of them,
Because I didn't.
And I woke up in your arms,
Feeling guilty,
And afraid of myself.

Nothing feels real,
And that's my fault.

I could list off the reasons why you shouldn't love me,
But I know that you do,
And who am I to change your mind?

And I guess it all reminds me,

I've got running away running through my veins,
But I'd like nothing more than to stay.

So stay I will.

I was always told
As if it were praise,
About how strong I am (emotionally).
About how determined I am,
About how much of a fighter I am.

My mother says: "We're all so proud of you, and anyone who isn't is delusional."

But I don't feel so strong anymore.
I don't feel very brave.
I don't feel like a fighter.

All this bravado I put forth for my mother,
And my siblings when they actually speak to me,
Just isn't enough.
I can't do it in front of you,
Because that front I have
Is such *******.

I'm vulnerable and scared,
And my confidence only comes out
In deflective smart remarks,
That have a tendency of offending
Most people,
And I'm sure sometimes even you.

I just want to be better.
I just want to be stronger.
But I'm nowhere near better,
And I don't feel very strong.

I only break when I know I'm allowed to.

I have to be stronger than this.
I'm too smart for my own good,
And I have a golden heart
With a rebel yell.

I am better than this.

I am stronger than this.

I'll be okay.

YOU

Did this.

YOU**

Broke this.

Maybe I'm not everything you wanted me to be,
Maybe I'm not what you thought I was.
Preconceptions ruin these type of things.

And I'm not asking
Anybody to be perfect,
No, see, that takes the fun out of these things.

But I miss you and your smile,
So please, sit and talk with me for awhile.

My insomnia devours me whole,
And I float in the abyss of
"Why the hell?"
For eternity--
Or until morning comes,
Or whichever so happens to come first.

And when I interact,
There are shackles chained to my wrists
And my ankles,
And they won't be removed
Until I kiss you
Again.

I feel too deeply
And while they can be aggravating,
I also love with all that I am
Or more.

I have many fears.

I am afraid of the dark,
I am afraid of rain (or used to be),
I am afraid of abandonment,
I am afraid of who I am when I'm enraged and in a bad place.
Loud noises and yelling freak me out.
I don't like blood or knives running across flesh,
And things with too many legs scare me.

I don't like seeing people in any type of physical pain,
But I've put these fears aside many times.

I'm afraid of being left alone,
Without anything to my name,
Once more.

I'm afraid of investing myself
And it going to waste.
I'm afraid of showing a softer side of myself,
And it being rejected.

But here's a kind word,
And here's a loving gesture,
And here's the feeling of your hand on mine.

And suddenly I'm not scared.
I could do this.
If for you,
If for us,
I can stand up.
I can take the risk of falling,
Jump that cliff,
Spread my wings
And hope I fly,
Hope we fly.

And here I go,
Here I am,
I am flying because I took the risk of loving you,
Trusting you.

And I trust you.
Wholly and entirely,
And I hope and pray
Every ****** day,
That you'll take me as I am
And you have.

And I know I'm an odd one,
But the least I can do is show you
How much I care
Through words and
Metaphor.

But being brave
Has nothing to do with not being afraid.
Being fearless is for the idiotic.
Being brave is seeing the danger,
And going forward anyway.

I am your Hummingbird, given that name by you for reasons I cannot recall verbatim.
And you are my Bluebird of peace, because your touch calms me in moments I would be blinded by fear.

I don't know if this is about being the underdog,
Or coming of age,
Or finally finding some type of peace,
I'm not sure
Which genre of manga/anime
Our story is,
But so far I like it.

I'm trying at analogies
But my poetic nature is failing me.

If we were a story,
You'd be a hero,
And I'd be some peasant girl making a living as a bard,
Writing music and lyrics that probably don't match.

And you'd be great with some type of thing
That probably defeats the antagonist,
And I'd be great with words,
And maybe some type of lowly magic.

You'd maybe have some type of technological magic
That I couldn't fathom,
Or weaponry
Or mastery over some mystical animals,
I mean hell,
You're great with not-so mystical animals.

And I feel like we'd be the story,
Where the strife wouldn't be us against each other,
Rather us against the world.

I don't know,
I'm not sure,
But either way,
I like our story.

Crossing my fingers, here.
I don't want an ending,
But a whole bunch of sequels with you sounds pretty nice.

****,
You think I liked licking
Any part of your
Gross sweaty flesh?
You think I liked
having you on top
crushing my ribcage?

Do you honestly think any part
of me liked it
when your volatile rage
caused me to flinch and you
To lash out,
One too many times on top of me.

And you ******* dared
To tell me that something about my
Physical being was wrong
as though I wasn't already
vividly aware

And you stupid
Sacrificial goat
have the audacity
to appear in a flashback
of a dream
when I've been doing so well.

When I'm finally not scared,
You show up and I'm ******* petrified
Again.

I hate all that you are.
And all that you've become.

Breathe.
In
And
Out.
Breathe.

I am okay
I am loved.
I will move on.
Not in order to be loved.
I will move on from this damage
Out of love.

For myself.
And for my Bluebird.

My heart has lots of tears
And holes.
It has lots of little scars
And big scars,
And little breaks,
And big breaks.

And it's pretty big,
But it's kind of torn up,
And a little old.
It's pretty warm,
But it gets pretty cold
When you leave here.

I know it doesn't look like much,
But here's something kind of neat:
When the world feels like it's crashing down,
It will keep you safe and sound.

And I know it looks really ugly,
But it will keep you warm
On the nights you get really cold.
And when you feel sad,
It's nice to have a little bit of
Dim light in the darkness with you,
To help you find your way out.

And I can't promise
That my heart will brighten up
Every dark day,
But I can promise
It will keep you safe.

And I know with a little work,
And a lot of love,
My heart could be a nice home
For you too.

Why?

Why do you stay?
When all I do is try
To push you away?

Why?

Why are you here?
When every outburst I have
Is rooted in fear?

Why?

I ask,
Why?

"Because I love you."

And though it shuts me up,
Another lump in my throat passes
And I choke out,

**But how?

Breathing isn't something that comes to me
With ease.

Breathing is difficult,
And I forget to do it often.

I'm so wrapped up
In awe,
In anxiety,
In wonder,
In despair,
That I forget that breathing
Keeps me here.

I have to force myself to breathe sometimes.

Because other times the air is too thin,
Or too thick,
And it chokes me.

I have a phobia of asphyxiation,
Which is pretty ironic
Seeing as something always
Takes my breath away.

Maybe i'm just drunk
But it seems i'm just a bother.
I thought you liked me better
When i'm buzzed
But you won't even speak to me
And why does it always go like this?

I honestly don't care
That you're distracted by your game
And i honestly don't care
That when i try to not pay attention to you
You suddenly want my attention.

It sobers me up
Off that giggly buzz
When you ignore me.

So thanks,
You're a literal buzz ****.

Maybe i'm just drunk,
Or i'm just unappealing.
Maybe i'm just drunk
But you could pay me some mind.

And maybe i'm just drunk,
But i'm not just a fly on the wall.

You'll leave,
Just like everyone else.

I re-re-re-re-repe-repea-repeat
just like a broken record.

But, surprise.

It wasn't you.

The rain drums like tapping finger nails on my window.

I shiver and I shake.

The sun forces his way through reluctant clouds.

My hands are covered in scars and burns.

Birds sing a melody of soft awakening.

It sounds much too close, so I poke my head out of the doorway. There is nothing.

Flowers begin to bloom while others begin to wilt.

I feel as though I am both wilted and am in the process of becoming.

I shed this skin of shields, and wear my heart on my sleeve.

It is a vulnerable state, for there are predators amongst the pack.

What I fear the most is that I am one of those predators.

The wolf gives a mourning howl, soft and low. Filled with a lonesome, melodramatic sorrow.

The rain threatens to pick up again.

I escape it's hold, for rain is necessary, though I dislike it.

My name has been sullied, blackened. And why not?

The prey only lies.

The wolves are painted as predators because they tell the truth.

So I will leave my sun drenched corner and go headfirst towards the rain.

I will dance with wolves.