I’ve been an observer all my life
Eavesdropping on other people’s lives
A bystander
Not living at all
With people talking about me, around me, behind me, at me, but not with me.
Today I was in it
I was involved
I was a participant
I was part of adult conversation
I was equal
No longer on the edge
Looking in
But fully participating in my life
And it felt wondrous
And oh so new

If you want love,
Love yourself
If you want trust,
Trust yourself
If you want respect,
Respect yourself

I release all that is no longer serving me
All that has been holding me back
From being the free spirit I am
So I can fly
So I can soar
So I can be me
And do what I’m here on Earth to do

I trust you implicitly
I’m ready
Guide me
Show me the way
And remind me to breathe

Wake up!
It’s a brand new day
A new beginning
A new start
A new possibility
To be who you want to be
To do what you want to do
To start living your life
To start achieving your dreams
On your terms
And of your choosing
And to live your life
With fullness, joy and abundance
Are you joining me?!

It’s my life
I choose how I live it
According to my values
And my gut
My Life
My choice
My consequences
It’s up to me now
And not you
Any more
That’s my freedom

All that’s needed
Is two little words of
Thoughtful appreciation
And
Acknowledgement
To show that you noticed
That I took the time to care.
So valued in their receiving
And so excruciatingly lacking  
In their absence

Or is that just me?

I did what you did
I said what you said
I felt what you felt
I believed what you believed
I was what you thought I should be
I was so well hidden
I might as well been dead

I’m not used to being asked
For my opinion
My point of view
My thoughts
My feelings
What I want to do.
It’s not important.
I’m not important.
I don’t matter.
All my life
I’ve just been told
What to do
(Whatever you want to do)
What to say
(Whatever you say, or nothing at all)
What to believe
(Whatever you believe)

Always treading on eggshells
Holding my breath
Afraid to say the wrong thing
Do the wrong thing
Be the wrong thing
That would spark a spiteful retort
Piercing my heart
And dashing my dreams.
Acting always in fear of consequences
And never living at all

Blindfold off
Scales removed
Awareness and
Growing realisations
Of what deep down I already knew
But too afraid to admit openly,
As too many hangover feelings
Of how it felt to be
Downtrodden
Abused
A thing
An object,
Too many layers of others
Like a straitjacket
Confining me
Restricting me
Hiding me
From my true self
From my destiny
From my soul’s path

Scared
Of my feelings
My passion
My joie de vie
Trampled and caged and abused for so long
Knowing it’s time
For the oyster shell to open up
And reveal the stunning pearl inside
Born from grit and uncomfortableness.
Knowing it’s time
To accept my fate
To embrace all that is and
Allow myself to experience
True passion
True connection
True love

Standing in her hard fought power and glory
Like a Phoenix risen from the ashes
Ready to take on the world
To protect those in need
And to stand firm
Against the cowardly oppressors
Of the truth

Disempowering
Negative
Malicious
Beliefs from him
Imprinted onto me
Manipulating and controlling me
Blinkering me from the truth
Leading me down rabbit holes of lies, confusion and brain fog
For years and years
Leading to defensiveness,
Aggression
Unhappiness
Sadness
Denial of my true self
And my qualities and passions,
Keeping me playing small
Insignificant
Unworthy
Undeserving,
All because he was afraid
Of my greatness
And my strength.
*******!
Blinkers off!
They weren’t my beliefs!
None of it was true!
They were lies!
Letting go
Of this distorted perception of self
To enter into a deeper understanding of who I am
What I stand for
And to embrace and
Love and
Accept
All of me
As I am

It All Comes Down to Choice
Your choice
Your decision
Your right to choose
What and how you spend
Your life,
Base it on love
What feels right
What your gut says,
Not fear
Not your dementor
Not those negative naysayers
In your head
And all around you,
Choose
Love,
Not
Fear,
Every
Time,
All
Times,
Because
That
Is
What
Will
Set
You
Free

I was afraid
Of my passion
And my desires
And my fire

I’ve been suppressed
Playing small
Until now

Now I am a Phoenix
Rising from the ashes

Standing in my power

And my power is magnificent

Hugs
And
Affection
Are
Essentials
For
Life
And
A
Crying
Shame
When
Absent
For
The
Majority
Of
One’s
Life

When your mind is full of trouble and strife
Take a deep long breath and
Go inwards
Listen
Honour
Be patient
Be kind
To yourself
For your soul is desperately
Trying to get your attention
To help join the dots
To speak it’s truth
And bring you peace

When something comes up that I need to address
I don’t eat
I don’t drink
My stomach churns.
That is a sign to
Look inwards
Trust my gut
Ask questions
Explore
Write poetry
Journal
Sit
Be
Know I’m safe
Trust the process
For my soul is wanting
To be heard
It wants to speak
And it’s the only way it can get
My attention

Slowly
Learning and
Understanding and
Becoming
More confident
More assertive
More bad-***
Till you
Can stand
In your power
And no ******
Can come close
To you
Unless you say so

Phone call
Out of the blue
Sister in law abroad
Screaming down phone
Reassuring her it’s all going to be ok.
Brother rushed to hospital
Cardiac arrest
In the sea
While training for channel swim
Dragged ashore on board
Laying on pebbles
Heart stopped
Fortunately
Doctor and two nurses
Nearby
Pumping heart
Back to life
While curious onlookers watched
Nonchalantly
While eating their sandwiches
Amongst the steely determination
To bring life back
Thrashing arms
Made it too unsafe
For rescue by helicopter
So by road instead

Hospital emergency
Heart stopped
Again
Brought back to life
Again
Induced coma
To recover
High alert
Family worried sick

But for me
Calmness
Awareness
A knowing
He’s not ready to go
Nurses confused by my
Lightness
Asking if I’m really ok.
Yes I’m ok
Because I know
It’s all going to be ok
My brother is not yet ready to give up

And sure enough
Defying all doctor’s expectations
Awakening early
From induced coma
Physically weak
Mentally strong as an ox
With no lasting damage
It’s a miracle they shout
When quite simply
He just wasn’t ready
It wasn’t his time

The tragedy is in repeating  
Those sins done unto you
Your parental sins
Your ancestral sins
Chained to your neck
Weighing you down
Blighting the lives of everything you touch.
But now
Your choice
Is whether to remain shackled
Bound to fear and repression
Or to break free
And step into
Your desires
Your potential
Your possibilities
Your love
Your divine glory

The secret is in the direction of your gaze
Are you looking up or down?
Forwards or back?
That is the choice for you.
The more rewarding
But not always so easy
Is to keep looking up
Above the golden sun ☀️
In all its bright brazen glory
And focus on the positivity
The fun
And the
Joy