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Where do I fit, Father?
Where do I call home.
Where do I find shelter in this world so alone.

Where do I fit, Mother?
I've done all you've asked.
I went to the mountains, to the beyond, much further than those from our past.

Where do I fit, Brother?
We travelled so far. We've sought to find shelter underneath distant stars. We've laughed and we've cried in all these long days, looking and yearning to find something we've lost.

Where do I fit, Creator?
Where do I shine. Where do I find the people similar to mine.
This world seems so far from what I had in mind. So far from the noble ideals from my youth. So far from the place I thought I certainly knew.

I fit no where. Not now, nor ever. I am cursed to find loneliness in a life soon surrendered.

Where do I fit, dear Reader?
I'll ask you this time. There are not many days left before I am done. Is it all lost from me to never return? To wander this earth on this formidable quest. Alone. Afraid. Adrift and bereft.

I fit nowhere. Not now, nor ever. Where those who once knew me will find me again. The same as I was and forever will be. To roam this cold place with a distant echo of times before still ringing in me - Remember. Remember. Remember.
"Are you two sisters?"
The thought of me ever enjoying those words
Makes me shudder.

We have eyes of the same color
And when you didn't dye
Your hair
We looked so alike
And with our gazelle-like third
We made a trio
I the shortest, as always.
"More bars in more places"
Much laughter ensuing.

"i never would have let him kiss me if i had known!"
That's exactly how you said it.
But you lied, because
More
Happened.
You took him in ways I fantasized about
Thank God he wouldn't let you
Slip your little fingers around
His virginity
And rip it from him
Like you rip the beauty
From my heart.

You couldn't believe how he had used you.
I couldn't believe how you lied.
That's when the ending began,
Because I could forgive him
But not you
And you never forgive anyone at all.

You play the martyr.
You were used, abused, thrown away
Disregard the fact I hid my love for him away for 2 years
And you said his face gave you nightmares.
Obviously he's in the wrong
For being a stupid boy who wanted to keep us happy.
You never did a thing
Except
Create
Every
Problem.

You made me feel like nothing was good enough
Complaining
Your ******* were now D cups
How tragic
That your ***** were getting so big
When I felt like mine didn't exist.
Every good feature you had you made nothing
And I always was the smart one,
So that must have made you
Prettier.

I know I'm self-centered
But at least I try to be subtle.

I wanted your family
They loved me
I never knew what that was like
To have little ones that
Love me.
"Alice is our favorite big sister!"
They chorused every time.
I want your family still,
But I will not stand you.
 Oct 2013 Life's a Beach
Free
#3
 Oct 2013 Life's a Beach
Free
#3
Tired.
Losing sleep.
You're always there.
I can't stop thinking,
Can't stop myself loving you.
I don't know how to love.
You shouldn't trust me to love right.
Maybe that's why you shunned me before, right?
I know you said it was because I hurt,
But how does not loving someone not hurt any more?
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9 words each line.
 Oct 2013 Life's a Beach
n
shes hiding in her bedroom
her blood splattered on the floor
her blade in her hand
her back to the door

she has a reason you know
theres a voice in her head
saying: "your not good enough"
"you deserve to be dead"

she looks in the mirror
and burst into tears
the voice comes again
pounding in her ears

"you deserve all this"
"every single cut"
"you deserve to die"
"you stupid little ****"

your right she thought to her self
i deserve it all
i dont deserve to be here
all it need is one big fall

she went to write a note
but she threw them in the bin
world could never describe
how she let the voice in

do it! do it!
"you fat ugly cow"
she stepped onto the ledge
she had to do it now

it taunts her
when she's lying in her bed
it screams bad thoughts
and whispers in her head

she took a breath
all she wants is silence
her own mind back
the only answer was violence

now she knew
as long as her heart was beating
the voice would be there
always repeating

no one even heard her
as quiet as mice
she finally got her silence
but her life was the price
The Island Moorea,
backpacking Tahiti,
In the heat, the sun,
The rhythm of my footfalls
crunching loose gravel road,
The swish of pack swaying
in conert to my measured pace.

Breeze pushing branches of Palm,
Ocean waves breaching shoreline long.
Occasional Island vehicles passing, occupant's
laughing, at a man laboring under large pack,
alone walking, who could have been freely riding,
Unthinkable to Island Folk, in hot tropical places.

Some humble homes passed along the way.
Greetings exchanged with smiling faces there.
Not long afterward a new sound approaching,
crunching gravel, rolling up behind me.

A lovely young girl, perhaps nineteen,
long brown naked legs bike a peddling.
Hair jet black, long to her waist, wearing
a sarong, split up the side,
Shoulders bare and brown.
Dark eyes of wonder, sparkling of youth.
A radiant smile adorning a splendid face.

We went for a time at my even pace,
looking and smiling each in our place.
"Hello there," I said, she giggled, beamed
even bigger. Perfect teeth displayed.

"Why you walk?" She asked in heavily
accented puzzlement.

"To get to where I'm going". I replied
This response producing a pleasant laugh
from the girl. In which I too joined in.

"You go One Chicken?" She asked
I stopped then and turned to her.
"Where is One Chicken?" I questioned
with a grin.

She raised her graceful arm,
one finger pointing up the road.
"One Chicken there," she informed.

It was a store/bar, sort of place,
In the very midst of nowhere.
Indeed, more than one chicken roamed,
Many chickens did and a pig or two,
mingling free and doing their thing.

We entered out of the bright daylight,
into the deepest of darks,
Like in a movie theater, when arriving late.
Eyes adjusting slowly to what lay ahead.

A few Island Beers later,
I had acquired several new friends,
The girl my invitation to the party of
already happy people a little drunk on beer.
The Music was mostly of French persuasion,
With a bit of Bob Dylan thrown in.
The Beatles also had a tune or two.
The Liverpool beat resounding down Tahiti way.

Before the light did fail, I shouldered my pack
and walked some distance from Chickens and Pigs.
Found the beach, hung my Hammock for the night.
Built a small fire and opened a can of Spam delight.

She appeared again about ten,
looking beautiful in the new moonlight.
Newly washed hair, still damp and
smelling fresh of Lilacs,
Or some such aromatic scent.
We did not speak, no words were needed,

Made love on the sand, 'till the retreat of the
tide and sand ***** did come out, in their
eerie numbers, to eat what was at hand.
I suppose even us if we were still and let
them.

We retired then both to my hammock,
A pretty neat trick if you can swing it.
And we did.

She was so childlike and yet,
very much a woman grown.
There was no pretense shown,
no false inhibitions rendered.
These were not limitations of her culture.
people that respond to their emotional
impulses. An open and free spirited
people living passionately within each
minute shared.

It all felt more akin to a dream than real,
All around me there was beauty,
Loving and being loved without hurry,
Free of guilt or even a single expectation.
Living in that wondrous moment,
of uncomplicated human splendor.
Like some Garden of Eden surrender.
A real-life Gauguin painting.

In the morning, we swam naked in the sea,
frolicked like kids having a day at the beach.
Made love in the sand, I dozed in the sun.
Upon awaking she was gone.

I waited an hour or two, packed up my camp,
shouldered my load and returned to the road.
A few minutes later, again I heard the now
familiar crunch of rubber tires, rolling road
surface and there she was, a straw basket in
her Bike's basket, a huge smile on her
unforgettable, beautiful face.

We sat in a grove of trees, among birds singing,
in sight of the sea, upon a Palm log and ate fresh
bread and fruit. Drank strong black coffee
(French Roast I presume,) nibbling some
marvelous cheese.

We tried to talk, but she understood little of
what I tried to say, my French was nearly
nonexistent, only adding to confusions sake.

She leaned her head on my shoulder,
the way lovers do and tenderly held
my hand within her two,
As if not wanting to let go,
Those gestures said all there was to say,
And we savored each silent moment.

We parted there, she on blue, rusty bike
and me on "shanks mare",
Off in two different directions,
Each out into the depths of our own lives,
Gone just like that. . . And yet,
Indelible, never to be forgotten or replaced.
Some days and nights, that young maiden of
Moorea does still visit me, in dreams as real
as can be. She never grows old, nor does the
beauty we shared for that one brief moment in
time immortal.

Someplace among the Islands of Tahiti
there is a woman in her sixties, most likely
a Mother, even a Grandmother yet living.
I hope she recalls as fondly the American blond
man with the big Orange Backpack, that in 1972
she met upon the road, near "One Chicken" and
loved freely and completely for two days and a
night, as that man does so fondly remember her.
I can't tell her I like her.

She's been the best of friends lately,
and it's been hard hiding how I feel for her,
but she already has someone.

I can't tell her.
It would **** our friendship.
It would **** what's left of me.

I can't stop thinking about her.
I can't stand the fact that she won't belong to me.
I'm happy that she's happy,
but I'm miserable because of it.
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