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 Dec 2013 Life's a Beach
R
nobody could see me
trying to **** myself.
but i could.
every night i saw it.
i saw the various ways to
slit my throat, my wrist,
to tie a knot, maybe with a bow?
and kick my moms nice chair away?
maybe by drowning,
or jumping from a tall building?
so many ways... so many.
i still see those ways.
i still want to cut.
actually, ive craved the blade
for a few weeks now.
and yet, i havent made a single mark
up and down my arm.

whats stopping me?
i'll be honest: when i go back to school
i want to be able to show my teacher that
it'll be a whole month since ive cut.
thats a long time (for me) and i
really want to keep going.

i can save myself.
i know i can...
right?
 Dec 2013 Life's a Beach
pookie
Lies
 Dec 2013 Life's a Beach
pookie
Lies,
sweet and sometimes sour,
but mostly sweet,
sweet as they leave the lips of those who say them,
and sweet to the ears that soak up those words,

they drip from the lips like honey,
and clog up like sout in a chimney,
they stop all the truth and let only lies through,

lies are used by all,
from couples through to lovers,
from one man to another,
from a women to a child,
they are in many cases seen as a way of hiding the truth,
the truth that bears the pain of life.

but for all who read this,
i sit here wrting these words and know to myself,
that i cannot bear the lies of others anymore,
i listen to those sweet seductive lies,
how they pour into me,
"i love you",
"i care",
i can no longer stand beside the fakes of this world,

id much rather stand alone then be flooded with lies,
be flooded with sorrow,
sorrow because i know that those words are lies.

lies all of them,
*lies
 Dec 2013 Life's a Beach
pookie
people tell me how to lead my life,
they bully me into it,
they try and mould me,
and try and tell me its simple,
and they tell me that i will bend under there will,

But this is where i say good bye to "them" because since i could think for myself,
i realised that actually life is complicated,
people lie and cheat,
they steal and ******,
they are sly and they use you,

i realised that to be my own person to find my way,
i had to take a different path,
so instead of following in the foot steps of those before me,
i didn't lie or cheat i didn't steal or ******,
all i did was to take what they gave,
and that is pain.

and i realised that,
really thats all we ever feel,
pain

it simple and easy to understand,
it hurts,
it burns,
it makes us cry,
it makes us want to die,

but we don't die we take that pain and turn it on others,
in wars and fights,
by bullying,
by ******,
by picking on the weak and pretending that we,
are strong.

when actually we are weak,
so weak we find it hard to stand in the morning,
we regret our actions,
we regret the words that have said,
and think to our selves,
why, why did i do it.

so when those people tell me how to lead my life,
and they bully me and hurt me,
i take it,
over and over again,
some say that thats being strong,
but me personal i think its because im weak,
and i cant stand the fact if i get off he floor ill just be beat back down,

but sometimes thats what we need to do,
to get up,
to take the pain,
and stand up,
stand strong,
and take control,
and lead our own lives.
 Dec 2013 Life's a Beach
pookie
what is the meaning of life?

some say its to find love,
others say its get rich or die trying,
some even say its to die,

there are many people who have searched for a meaning,
religious men believe the point in life is to get to there heaven to meet there maker,
the pessimists say there is no point in life they don't see why they should care,

Tbh i don't know who i'm inclined to believe,
in all honesty i believe in my own meaning of life,

"the meaning of life is different from each person, there is no one answer that fits all, there is no  easy answer either, we ourselves have to find our own meaning, our own passion and drive"

i myself find that the meaning of life is to live,
to run, jump, fight, cry, laugh and love,
to feel everything thing that you can possibly feel,
both good and bad.

the meaning of life to me is to live like everyday is your last
because really we only live once.

so to everyone who reads this,
Smile, laugh go to your friends have a beer, go to your loved ones and embrace them like you haven't seen them in years,
because if we truly live once,

*live it likes your last day
I see people writing poem after poem on here,
and i wonder,
did you write them all by candlelight, and save them up for when you found your audience?
Or did you sit and get drunk and write them whilst smoking cigarettes, and crying,
all over the keyboard.
Or was it a carefully, logically, formatted feeling that you had to edit, to, get, it just, right?
Aaahaaa...
I wonder if you know what you are saying.
If you know that your infinitesimal pieces of work, are akin to a 16yr old's journal from circa 1984?
That if you could read it from this angle, or that angle, it could mean one or two things, and i am sure that you meant neither of them.
And i am thinking, that if i could i would throw away the internet and its black hole, that we all get ****** into,
I would give you one gold plated pen with black writing ink,
and a limited supply of scrolls of parchment made by sunlight and cotton;
because i wonder whether you would be so flippant with your words,
your feelings,
your punches,
your understanding,
your emotions,
your reflection,
your heart.
Because this makes us quicker, faster, harder, stronger.;
holding out for a white page to fill with words,
for lightening bolts of appreciation.
Is this not the cycle you wish to escape my love?
Was this not what you wanted?
Did you not want him to walk away?
Did you not want her to cheat?
Did you want them to fight, see you more clearly, understand you better, expect a little bit more respect, demand a little bit more attention, more patience, loving acceptance, a mutual respect?
What are you doing with these words, that you throw down like a gauntlet?!
Like you throw down venomous poison that you are trying to rid from your body, out from your curs-ed mouth, through your fingers, on to a keyboard, and out in to a a-nomy-nous world.
I wonder if you think of these things as you listen to love songs, driving in the rain, in the dark, suffocating on tears?
Do they fester in your head all day as you serve self-righteous morons who have no idea of your tortuous pain?
Do you lightly tread, whilst someone is sleeping in your bed, to the keyboard and type out how much you love them, and how much you are in love, alone, to the monitor, to nameless faces.
Do you have a soap box? Have you hammered on the desk in the rising light of your passion and dignity, and justice for all, in the name of love?
Have you wrote a letter lately?
When was the last time you held a pen for more than a few seconds?
When was the last time you cried into the ink, sprayed it with perfume, or S.I.W.A.L.K?
Or told someone you loved them with a million reasons why, with your own voice, into their eyes, to their face?

I just wonder, how much these words are worth, if we don't say them,
out loud.
 Nov 2013 Life's a Beach
R
Untitled
 Nov 2013 Life's a Beach
R
they asked me what i am grateful for.
i think of you.
and that smile.
and those eyes.
and that voice...
a person could drown in all of those
simple features that
make you you.

i am so thankful for you.
for you being alive.
for you being here, with me.
for you being the one who
saved me from myself.

thank you.
keep safe over the holidays and
have a wonderful thanksgiving
without me, dear.
 Nov 2013 Life's a Beach
r
Silence
 Nov 2013 Life's a Beach
r
Silence
Like a scream
In the dark
Keeps me awake
Wandering the corridors
Of my soul

r  15 Nov 13
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