i remember when i waved “goodbye” to you
on that kindergarten day
and i haven’t seen you since
i wouldn’t know what to say

do you still have that blond hair and those
blue eyes?
those rimmed glasses?
i think you got contacts a while back
and i’m being ballsy
writing your name as the title
eh, you would never see

scribbling the remnants of your memories
onto a piece of paper
so when or if i have dementia
i can remember i was once happy

dedicated to you
in the back of the bus
hating each other
but wanting underneath
i would shave my eyebrows to see you
in public or around town
if you watch my “pretty” face and wonder if
i am the same girl who was always terrified to
speak to you
in first grade
do you feel strange emotions while
watching my face?
not a single thing?

i don’t even know what you look like right now
we should both keep those secrets i guess
who am i now?
who are you?
i am sweating and you are pulsating
i am getting weak and you are freezing

i bet you can’t recall
it was a competition about who got
colder easier
obviously it wasn’t me
how come i am getting hypothermia now
when you still stand out in the negatives with
a tiny tank top on?

curse you for leaving

curse you for not calling

curse you for not missing me
i mean, maybe you are, but i severely doubt it

curse you for never telling me you liked me
come on, we said we hated each other
that’s reverse psychology

curse you for becoming a memory
i always wanted you to be a present thing

and curse you for not saying goodbye like on that kindergarten day

i knew you never cared anyway

don’t fall for the man who looks at you like an object
don’t fall for the man who can’t respect your boundaries
don’t think highly of the man who blackmails you into things you don’t wanna do
don’t fall for the man who’s spitefully erasing your name
don’t fall for the man who “never loved you anyway”
don’t fall for the man who twists your words in hopes of your own insanity
don’t you dare stumble for the man who will replace you in five days
don’t fall for the man who calls you pretty but not smart or kind or his best friend
don’t fall for the man who acts poised and proper unless he’s alone with you
and don’t you dare fall for the man who doesn’t fall for you but wants you to lick his wounds and bring you home to his parents so you can be the centerpiece on his set table while you are dying inside
don’t you dare fall for him
don’t you dare

i used to come home and cry and shake and hang my head like i had fainted
i used to see open fields and say
“it’s just grass.”
but you know i don’t mean that
cause i am moist from the rainfall
that you cleansed my ash heart with
and now the snow looks like a playful
samoyed dog
running with a purpose stronger
than a passion
leaping and bounding
i touch the heavy air with the palm of my sweaty hands
i dig up your voice from an egyptian tomb
dance in the azure illumination
becoming any creature or being i wanna be
shapeshifting into someone
more pleasurable
amounting to everything since you touched me
you are more than someone who gave me life again after these painful and obedient years
you are an angel in the shadows
in the bloodthirsty hunger of the night
stretching your hand to reach a small body who can’t seem to stop suffering
and even as i direct these poems to you
you can’t even listen in
unless you stumble upon some girl who tries to dream in a world where that is less
likely to
come true
than a physic prophecy
making the pages bleed with my admiration
of the way you cross your fingers
and comfort me during danger
i am lost but around you i am found
and i am starting to think it’s not a coincidence now

i pray that you miss me so much that it causes physical pain
miss me for being shorter than you
please look for me in every single crowd
even when i walk downtown
i wish that your car would drive by
and you could call me pretty to your mom

i pray you miss my witty humor
or the way i didn’t put up with your crap
you better miss me so much that you start to hate me  
and then relapse and love me again

you have to miss me
i can’t feel empty and hollow in your memories
your amygdala better not regret me
better not forget me

i pray you will miss me laughing at you
or having an awkward silence cause we had so much tension
miss me and remember me in the ways you tease other girls
and play with their curls
miss me in the way you call other women by nicknames but they aren’t as cool as mine
miss me in the blanks of your imagination
did you ever dream of me while asleep?

i pray you won’t be clueless when my name is brought up in conversation
don’t forget you liked me in fourth grade
miss me in the way you can’t seem to erase my name cause i am haunting you
miss me in the sparks and flames and infatuation we had for each other
mutual discomfort

and i pray i will never be too far that when you are older you will forget i even existed
begging that you will think of my lips in your dreams and kiss them
but you know i never loved you in that way
i always wished you would go away
and cry and get cut like i was from you
but i would always wish your arms would somehow be next to mine
in the classroom

and lastly
all i wish is
you will remember me
when you watch “lifestyle” youtube videos
and think about short stories

my head is full of junk and stress and anger
i am aching and my lungs are trying to grip onto any air they can find
beaten and bruised and confused
broken and misused and abused
i am in a worn down infirmary from the 20th century
bleak and mostly dead
young and unread
i am tearing my bed sheets and wishing i could flee
or recycle my carcass in a dumpster
by the penitentiary
  
  i.     am.      ill.      and.   poisoned.   and.  weak

can i just get a little rest or some sleep?
i amShredded  
and this hospital is forbidding
but i am about to go in
overdose from morphine
and become a distant memory
with tear streaks painted like silhouettes all over my detached face
i am frozen in the zone of the capable
drenched and shameful and incapable
can i punch a hole in the wall
or disappear on a private jet
never to be seen again?
in taiwan, bangladesh
china, the southwest
i will forever pray for escapism
and relocation of my barely pumping heart
please, let me retreat from the dock of the discreet
where i will forever become a inaudible nuisance
tortured between chains and bars and reins
anything is better than this pit i have been put in
spit on and inflamed and blamed
dragged and tortured and renamed
struck by the stick
i once hoped of holding in the first place
goodbye, i will decompose into the ground with the mushrooms
and i won’t need to be around anymore to make mediocre jokes
and laugh like the warden is correct in his words
please, i surrender
and i concur
later, i will no longer be a bore to the samurai with swords
i will be trudging through the mountain terrain
praying you will say my name
and i will be excused from the insane asylum because i will finally be deemed
“not insane”
by the nurse wearing slacks
and i will take my unschooled tracks
down the road
where i won’t bleed and toss and turn
i will belong and get along and be reborn
from the ***** of a once valuable opinion
i won’t die and cry and become shy
i will scream and be mean and fly
cause i will fit in somewhere where i knew i would belong all along
far from the president and the residents and my mom
and the fake acquaintances and desperate conveyances and the dark
reaching a pitch where i am silent but as noisy as an alarm
showing off all my parts
without being too nervous to crack a smile
or too anxious and in denial
even though tomorrow may be torture to the soul of the soldier
she will make it out alive
just bruised not misused and abused
just bruised

i looked down the edges of your pigeon skyscraper
i think i got an overdose of vertigo
             u stalk me like a predator
  but ur no arnold schwarzenegger
ur a skyscraper
my city scape wouldn’t be complete without you
             but ur always gonna be taller
  and ur always gonna be higher
what’s the point in trying to knock you down?

why didn’t i say my own name?
i am so worried that i will be a burden to others
as long as i make noise.
i used to dream of fireworks and causal flirting
but that doesn’t work here.
if i wasn’t so shy, i could be the social butterfly
but i feel my bones start to crack
they crack under my heavy skin.
i wish i could be a shallow skeleton
chat as if i am a plastic doll in an easy world.
i always feel the immense pressure pushing down on me and it hurts and it burns
and i am so sick of this inner turmoil
so sick of an unknown world
beneath my callused feet
i can’t breathe

u know i write for no one
not a single eye judges or plants bias into my
poetry or what i wish it could be
or how i want it to be perceived
i write for no one
not for my mother or the old lady at the grocery store
i write because if i don’t, i will bleed from the inside out
or throw up my guts and love that burning from the acids in my stomach
i write for no one
so nothing can phase me
i want criticism, i just don’t think i want to admit the genuine me
i will be fatigued by the corse fingernails digging beneath my skin
using me as a fix
i write for no one
because i write for me
without the pressure of a crowd or a community
it is me, the one singular being
i taste the residue of the tinted pages
and blow up like a puffer fish
while every rabbit of my emotional baggage
gets eaten by a snow fox
it’s at my fingertips
and i feel enough
i write for no one as i write to u
and that’s why it’s the most compelling thing to do

You wanna hate them? Go ahead
Who said I would be bothered?
Run towards the rainfall
So that the sun doesn’t burn you. Chase
The rainbow and find the gold at the
End of the tunnel.
We are complex. We can love the flames and
The rain at the same time.
I love them with my entire heart
Blind yourself by looking at the sun for
Too long. Sometimes talent isn’t noticeable if
You only look for disturbances.
Catch the fish
And lick the end of your fishing rod.
Have it medium rare and well done.
Since when was violence the solution? Well,
The entire world has lost their diligence and
Dignity
They saved my life a million times
But I guess they sparkle like brilliant
Christmas bulbs
Or look as if they wear lingerie while the
Thunder wrecks every purpose they ever had.
Wield the sword
And set it down for an embrace.
No solid human being could stab someone
Who is innocent...Right?
Maybe the earth ain’t your cup of tea
The earth is mine, don’t you think the sky is
Kinda boring?
Planes and smoke and chemtrails and clouds
And no extra wide open land to spread your
Arms and legs just to become like the breeze
Dreaming away all the fragments of a
Disastrous life, smoking like a burning fire
Of dead bodies.
You will never feel that pleasure. The pleasure
Of realizing the best things in life aren’t
Placed perfectly in front of your eyes.
Some of the worlds most beautiful treasures
Are in the souls of humans who will reach out
A hand and welcome all types of skin color
Nationalities and beliefs. Can’t you see?
You can’t be angry and say you are a
Peacemaker, that would make you a
Hypocrite. You can’t become a crow or a raven
And act like you can’t fly.
With every ounce of your being
You cannot say that you are drowning in the
Ocean when there is only dead grass
Around you. Favoring and biased reasons and
Opinions are blocking every ineffable wonder
This triumphant planet can offer, just because
Of a little makeup or a little dream
Or a life worth spending with those who
Uplift you and go down with the ship with you.
Those blessed beings who prove any human
Who thinks themselves as superior
Is a total imbecile. I love all the secret nooks
And crannies in the dock of the barge
Including all the languages every group of
Ball of skin on this melting globe has. I bathe
In those words as if my tongue could utter
Them. There is something wondrous in not
Being able to understand that clay is a mug to
Someone and Legos is a curse to some
Tribe in the bay of the Pacific Ocean. You can’t
Have a spine tied to your main spine and
Later say your back is broken by lifting the
Heavy weights. No one can go up a mountain
With seven legs and climb it in one hundred
Days. Why don’t we break everything that
Is fixed? That way you could have it your way
And I could have it mine, sis.
But instead you wanna ***** my cleanliness
And urinate in my showers. You said a flag
Can’t be offensive, yet you are gagging
At the sight of the purple color. Don’t you think
At least one straggler, one sinner will drag
You to the pits of hell with them and they will
Desperately say, “It volunteers for our job.”
You know the hyenas get what they get
But the lions make a completely different Flavor out of cloves and sunflower seeds.
You say the heat is making you sweat
Uncontrollably, yet don’t you know you
Aren’t even wearing long sleeves? If the entire
Sick and pandemic ridden planet would
Hold you by his two shaking fingers, would you
Actively want him to put you down or would
You still seek for that validation you
Know you aren’t getting? I don’t get why these
Apes and hornets are taking us out of
Our bliss just to say we are full of malice.
I don’t get why you paint the best of the best
In gritty peachy colors just to make them
Look rusty when they are glittering
And glowing like halos and tropical punch. It’s
Impossible to pretend to be so
Accommodating when you are a serpent
Ready to pounce and **** any force stronger
Than yourself. You can’t defeat love with regret
Or with hostility. Let the rain pour on your
Selfish complexion. With power and with
Rapacity you will never affect me through
A screen or through a fake deity.
You must be dying inside to inform someone
Else of your displeasure.
Remember: The silence of the guitar after
It strummed its last note is more resourceful
Than a billion skin suits floating around
Telling shorter plants to grow taller
When they themselves are mustard seeds
Dull and empty, useless and dispirited
Only shrieking like banshees
Compared to our choirs of praise, singing
“God bless us, God bless them, God bless me!“

ur name makes me feel like i am in a victorian castle
bouncing from the chandeliers
and dining quietly in the rat corner
scavenging the scraps of the queen’s last meal
she’s dressed in minx fur from russia
even though i have rags of clothes on
i glitter like jewelry
in the gaze of your valued eyes
ur name makes me think of rome all dolled up
the colosseum basking in his own glory
and the leaning tower of pisa laughing that i am standing up straight and not curved over
the city of ancient ruins
i feel you in between all of the leftovers of the broken dreams and efforts
ur name makes me think of summer
a day outside in the beating hot sun
drenched in sweat
with short shorts and lacy coverups
glistening bodies lying with their gorgeous zombie jaguar eyes
staring at my figure like we are at a buffet
splashing in the misty air of daybreak
and i touch your body with my butter hands, circling around like scarlett witch’s superpower skills
ur name reminds me of 1459 when the kings and queens ruled the world with their staffs and their crowns
of when the jousters pranced with their medieval stallions
knights with metal that clinked if you threw a glass drink at them
and i fall into the well of doom
landing in your embraced arms
silky smooth is your skin
wandering strategically through my brainwaves
and reciting that it’s going to be ok
ur name reminds me of the old days
when i was five and didn’t know that the world had anything to offer a girl like me
you are the natural history museum
i walked through peacefully as a seven year old
the art is just like you in ways i can’t be
it grins and curves and spits violently
it jumps and laughs and drowns out the negativity
i am slowly falling deeper and deeper into your stream of consciousness
slipping and tumbling until i hear the sweet ring of your name in the emptiness
who says i can’t feel whole seeing your spine in the nighttime while you swiftly disappear into the volume of the town?
i am reunited with every part of every country and every place i have never visited when i hear the rasp of your voice or the crisp etiquette of your name

now you are the exact replica of worry
you are fading
i can feel it
i just don’t want to admit it
but wait, you aren’t fading
you are just becoming more permanent
a constant light
you’ll never disappear in my eyes
your flame will never be diminished in my night

and maybe i would like to stroke your golden hair in the valley of the Shenandoah mountains
or feel the pressure of your immense love, but that’s for another time

in the desert of denial
i lay frozen
caked with sweat
drenched in doubt
in flames across my sore chest
lifting weights
with all my body
always hurts the next day

how come you won’t call?
i’m drinking cherry juice
as i sit patiently
by the display of the
christmas tree
wining like a baby
why won’t you call me?

left up in smoke
in ashes
blue silk pillowcases
i lay beside the parkway
and i imagine decadently
the sweet tea
us together could have
sold in the new bakery
are you still at that old school?
that is the only way i would
ever forgive you
twisted, dreadful, spiteful
capitalistic vapor
i still smell the musk of your cologne
on my couch at midnight
and i’m entirely sick of it

i wanna slap the sense out of you
drag you across the ***** airport floor
and force you
inside of flight fifteen
suffer with me

Your eyes are silver and shades of
My destiny
You’re beautiful
“No one has said that to me.”
I want to taste your saliva
I want to lock in your love
Cause it’s when your rain falls
That I feel at home
They might be killing us from
Every side
But who said we can’t
Put up a fight
You seem petrified
I don’t want you to drown
In the murk of the water
Or on the Devil’s side
In the own safety of your sorrow
Bathing in your sisters blood
She’s not dead in your heart
And you gotta move on
Just watch the beads of sweat
That tumble down my dry and
Erase face
Focus on me
Blessed are you for keeping your
Cool and
Not dying
And bless your peach tree lungs
Lips that taste like cinnamon
You know I’ve never seen such
Beautiful eyes
Holes in someone’s face
Colors, tricolored
Like the fireworks
I haven’t seen since I
Had a mother
But you’re the figure I’ve always
Needed
The shoulder that feels like
Marshmallows
But is as strong as steel
So even when the barbed wire
Pierces my olive oil skin
I’ll run to you darling
And find sanctuary
In the holes at the top of your head
That glitter
When you smile
Even as everything goes to dust
You’re still afloat
You’re still your father’s girl
You’re still my safety in this world
You’re still a jaw dropping
Type of girl
No one’s soul
Could ever shine as bright as
Yours

Love is selfless.
Love is surrendering every part of your entire being to make someone’s day.
Love is giving everything away that you treasure just to fill someone’s soul with pride.
Love is never losing sight of what is truly important.
Love is after a day of heart wrenching failures and flaws, you can confide in them.
Love is like the dark side of the moon.
The one no one gets to see, but once it is full, it is a glowing light, lighting up the dark.
Love is painful.
It’s hard to commit to and can even take a lifetime to perfect.
Love is compassionate.
Like giving every single part of you to help the other person, without expecting anything in return.
Love is sacred.
Love is meant to be shared and shown to everyone, and is meant to be kept close to our hearts, always on our minds.
Love is crazy.
Like screaming at someone you know can’t hear you, but you do it anyway.
It can drive to the edge of a cliff, but grasping back onto you, forcing you to not jump.
Love is hopeful.
Like feeling butterflies in your stomach after you make eye contact.
The burning sensation you feel inside when your breath is ripped away, so quick you don’t even have time to think.
Love is flawed.
Like a dream can make you want something you can’t have.
Nothing is perfect, so of course, love isn’t either.
Love is difficult.
Like solving a math problem you don’t know the answer to, but guessing anyway.
Like having to push away the toxic ones from your life, and having to develop huge growing mountains that create valleys and streams.
While accepting that not everything can go to plan.
Love is risky.
Like a tiny string that could be ripped apart in less than a second, but it’s still hanging on.
Right before you start to free fall and you know what’s in store.
Love is exciting.
Like getting a new toy or entering gates filled with gold and silver, waiting for your entrance.
Love is everything.
Like God put us in the world, he provided others to help guide us on our paths.
Love is everything good, like sweet treats and amusement parks.
Like laughing at jokes, smiling at a T.V. screen, dancing to your favorite song, creating memories.
Love is everything that we wish to be.
You can only love if you choose to lose control.
Love is nothing more than what it is
And is nothing more than it isn’t.
Love is.

You’re ugly
I told you already.
You touched me with the hands of a coward.
I took away your despicable power
But now I’m the monster.  

She’s ugly.
Her eyes are brown like dirt
And a smile with teeth like cut onions.
Who called it a smile?
I call it wild.
But now I’m following the crowd.

He’s ugly.
He looks like a wannabe female.
With tears that stain on his feminine lips.
I call him out
But now I’m coming for his throat.
You were just poking fingers.

I’m ugly.
I draw myself with pencil marks.
Pencil my own beauty standards in.
I’m not desirable or prudent.
You torch my skin
No one breathes a word.
And I’m still the enemy.

Weird how standards work.
You’re pretty until she’s prettier.

i hate social interaction with a burning passion.
the lights, camera, action!
the crying inside but laughing.
the talking, asking.
wearing me down.
seconds from crashing.
the holding together when cracking.
the losing air, the gasping.
the bombs, the blasting.
the “i’m gonna die” contrasting.
the almost ending but lasting.
the social interaction.