LJ Chaplin

LJ Chaplin Sep 2013

I say a prayer for the broken ones,
Whose tongues conspire against their minds,
Fixing their shattered heartbreaks,
Arranging the pieces because life was unkind,
I have not seen the last of you,
So don't tell me you won't make it through,
I'm not prepared for us to go down together,
Because tomorrow is the start of our forever

Remind me of when we swam through the stars,
Before words were sharp enough to leave scars,
Of how the world was not wrong to be right,
And our minds weren't darker than night.

I say a prayer for the chosen ones,
Who live in an infinite prosper,
Making a mess of themselves,
When they let their greed become the imposter,
I have seen the last of you,
Your ambitions of superiority have fallen through,
The ship will take us down together,
To drown out our thoughts of things getting better.

Remind me of when our skin was like stone,
Before words could break through to our bones,
Of how the world seems too right to be wrong,
And our minds were controlled to just play along.

LJ Chaplin Sep 2013

I Am Not Okay

I am not okay with the idea of seeing a doctor,
To be told how broken I am,
I am not okay with the thought of seeing a therapist,
Purging my mind to someone who is paid to give a ****,
I am not okay with the thought of swallowing pills,
Forcing myself to swallow each ounce of false happiness
To please everyone else,
I am not okay with people hiding my blades from me
As if I'll never realise that they're missing
Or that I'll suddenly forget the desire to cut away the pain,
I am not okay with people telling me this for my own good,
Because who could ever know what's good for me?
I am not okay with my family telling me they are proud one minute
Then telling me to give up the next,
I am not okay with having to smile through each day
While trying to battle back the oncoming stream of tears,
Teachers asking me if I'm managing at college
Because I "look a little under the weather",
I am not okay with having to eat food
To look normal
When all I want to do is throw it away,
But people pay attention too much.

I am not okay with another breath escaping my lungs,
Falling asleep knowing that my eyes will open the next day,
I am not okay with living,
But nobody will let me go,
And I want them to.

LJ Chaplin Sep 2013

Pouring My Heart Out

Everything is falling apart,
Everyone is falling apart,
And I am trying so hard to hold it all together,
To keep my fingers from slipping,
Letting it all topple over the edge,
Into the unknown.
Everybody I love is leaving me,
Physically or emotionally,
One by precious one,
And soon it will be me,
Myself,
and I.

The thought of another person walking out of my life,
Another dying leaf falling from the tree,
Makes my chest so tight,
I can barely breathe,
As if they have all kicked me down
And are pressing their feet against my chest
Until finally I break.
The doomsday clock is ready to strike twelve
In my life,
Soon I have to start another journey
To get myself on track
But I'm not ready
And I never will be.
I am terrified,
The last ounce of control I've
Managed to cling on to for so long,
Pretending to be happy while I'm dying inside
Was the last defence I had to survive,
But now I am vulnerable,
Past the point of no return,
History.
Finished.
*Dead.

LJ Chaplin Sep 2013

I Need To Do This

The thought of seeing a doctor next week
Makes my stomach clench and churn,
The thought of spilling my heart all over
The linoleum floor and watch their eyes
Scan my every move,
Every shallow breath that I take
Because my chest is so tight
And I am panicking.
I don't want to tell them about my cuts,
About my desire to die,
About not eating,
Looking in the mirror and finding another flaw,
About thinking like everyone despises my existence.

I'm scared, no, petrified
That they will look me in the eye
And tell me that there is nothing wrong,
I am just another hormonal teen who can't
Cope with college.

I am terrified of being made to feel like I am unfixable.

LJ Chaplin Sep 2013

Guy Fawkes

I've crossed paths,
Crossed hearts with no hope to die,
Set fire to the night and watch it burn alive,
Watch it turn to ash and spit smoke into the sky,
So the clocks won't ever stop because they'll never freeze in time.

We will fight to claim our territory back,
Without guns and grenades or vicious attacks,
We'll use our words to forge our own weapons,
Make you surrender and we'll become legends,
The death of a war that has no place in heaven.

They say I look better dressed up in cold misery,
But I prefer armour made from bittersweet victory,
With words like matches that burned for our liberty,
I am Guy Fawkes and blazing on a new page in History.

LJ Chaplin Sep 2013

By The River

Take me down to the river's edge,
To pray and clear the monster's from my head,
To watch the water slide against the shore,
Personifying the real world:
Disorientated reflections,
Burdens like the pebbles that drag along the riverbed,
Carried by the undulating current beneath the waves
Like a pulse beneath transparent skin,
All slowly but surely heading towards the ocean,
A wide open space
Freedom.

Throw me into the river,
Watch me as I drift away,
Let me reach the ocean
So I can have that freedom too.

LJ Chaplin Sep 2013

Eighteen

Let's raise a glass to friends we never made,
Serve up our trust stone cold on a silver plate,
Cut it up and we'll take it like a savage,
You have to act like one if you want to ravage.

Make a toast to the enemies we'll always see,
On the streets, in our dreams, on the TV screen,
Grow prosperous from the thought of destruction,
Use and abuse like it's the way we were meant to function.

Bow your head to another dead hope,
Hanging at the end of a piece of rope,
Watch it fade from this tragic scene,
Of the wrecked up life that was only eighteen.