Tonight I feel as if the scales are balanced,
I'm not swimming in the ghostly tears of my sadness,
But I'm not dancing in the sunlight of happiness.
After all, what is happiness?
It is almost unnerving,
To feel one half of your mind and soul
Tip-toeing on the edge of a cliff
While the other half is trying to anchor itself
To the centre of the Earth because it doesn't want to leave,
It is an unsettling feeling.
I also feel like there are so many loose ends that need to be tied,
Unfinished business if you will.
I have the urge to pick up a book that triggers me
As if it is my destiny to savour the closing line on the last page
And feel like I have succeeded,
To send a message to every single person who has done me wrong
And has thrown me about like rag doll just to apologise
"Sorry for being such an easy target for you all."

My poetry has become an epistolary,
A series of decaying thoughts that have been woven into words,
Some to purge my dark intentions,
Others to hold on to that small sliver of happiness
Like a balloon tied to your wrist to stop it from floating away.

I hope to keep this balance long enough to pick up the pieces of my derailed being,
**Then it can tip either way and I'll be content.

These city lights are too big,
For this girl's small town dreams,
Everyday she ties up her ballet shoes,
With hope woven in the seams.

Her light blonde hair tied in a bun,
She pirouettes beneath the sun,
In the hope of a hopeful stranger,
To pull her dreams away from danger,
Of breaking into two withered parts,
Before her chance in the spotlight even starts.

I don't know what happened last night.
The world collapsed and I was left in the open,
An easy target for my demons to claim their place
Once again inside my hollow mind.

Like puppeteers they pulled the strings
On my inevitable urges,
A simple cut became a crevice
And it scared me
It really scared me.
It wouldn't stop and for a moment
I was scared it was the final curtain fall.
The invitation of death has always lingered
Like a phantom,
But I wasn't prepared yet to give up.
But in time everything stopped.

I am deeply sorry,
My apologies are deeper than the pain that I have inflicted upon myself.
I have given up once again
And I find myself struggling.
I never thought it could get any lower than this,
But I fear that this is the surface of what's yet to come.
**Please forgive me.