it's the first thing you think of in the morning.
slowly open your eyes, roll over and wrap your head in your arms feeling embarrassed, laughing at yourself, thinking of how incredibly ridiculous you are for being this way. in the quiet moments you imagine his laugh and speckled green eyes. in the busy moments you force yourself to slow down. quietly sing the songs that remind you of him to feel calm. sing them all day over and over. until the words speak the truth of your days as if they already coincidentally hadn't. in the city, wonder if he is right for you. in the country, wonder if you are enough for him. at night, wonder if you were beautiful enough tonight. in the morning, wonder if you were true enough.

I miss you.
I know that is not
what you wanted
but, I miss you.
They told me life
wasn't a wish granting factory.
If that is true,
how did you cease to be?
Leaving no memory or trace
of the broken heart that
could have healed mine.

I think of you.
I know that's not
what you wanted
but, I think of you.
I see you in the mirrors
in my eyes, although you are free
you scream and scream and scream
begging to God to erase your existence.

I wonder if you are me.
I know that's not what you wanted
but, I see myself in you.
I hear the words you once screamed
yet never screamed at all,
my grandmother said that
God doesn't always give us
what we want but always what we need.
So, I wonder why he took you,
and every memory you had imprinted upon this earth.
16 years earlier,
your mother holds what was once a positive,
but this time around it is not.
I know this is what you wanted.
so why do you weep twinning tears,
to match those of your mother?

Whether or not I was "asking for it"
Shouldn't matter

I have determined that I will stop being so selfish,
stop writing depressing poetry on myself,
stop worrying others,

and start thinking about you.

Don't worry about me,
I'm a waste of brain cells and don't deserve to be thought about anyways.
I need you to stop caring about me.

Do you really love me?
or just love to hurt me,
to take control
and use my body
but where is soul?
You never care
maybe you just can't,
you are a soulless
horror of the night,
my nightmare,
that came alive
and I let you take me,
head over heels,
you leave me so empty,
you just use me,
then you leave
and I am nothing,
I feel so worthless
God, I can't take this,
I'm dying every night,
I want your heart
and you just my body...

Light the flame
Burn the paper
Inhale the peace
Exhale the stress
Dream...

Motivated by the light
I sit in the darkness and plan my escape,
the lighter reminds me of the sun.
I drift off to a faraway land,
it is always sunny here.