Younger me would be so proud
And loud
And rejoicing
And voicing all her wins
Younger me would scream from roof tops
And climb the highest mountains
Younger me would be a force
Take every road and every course
Because she would know that I have her and she has me and I am her and I won’t let her fall
Younger me would love so hard and be so far ahead and never be in bed
Younger me would love this life and be here without a fight
Younger me is happy now
Younger me is alive and well

Round and round in this tornado
Snatching up every part of me that couldn’t escape its path
We spin fast
Fall and then rise and then left and then right
Faster and faster till you get to the eye
It becomes calm there
Still watching the wind and objects spin around you
I’m just waiting for everything to stop spinning
Will I plummet to the ground quickly?
Will I fall so softly?
Will I die before I reach the ground ?
Will I jump back in ?
What will I do in this tornado?

I keep looking for this on and off switch in my head.
Turning corners
Wondering where the switch is.
Those switches are for my emotions
But I can’t seem to find the right one.
There’s no labels
It’s like going through a fuse box and looking down the hall way to see which switch turns off which room
But this isn’t a room
And there’s no switch to stop all this.

These prison doors will open soon
These shackles will be removed
The taste of freedom will dance in my tongue while I dance in the sun
I will slowly walk not run
Enjoying and taking everything and have all the fun
I will not hear the sword sharpen by your mouth any longer
My heart will not be pierced
Do you care ?
I wonder
I shall leave here
I shall not fear
Maybe I’ll even have a beer
A party is to come
Alone I shall be
The person I become
Is someone you’ll not be allowed to see
The darkness will not follow
I’m determined there be no more sorrow
From the person meant to protect me
I’ll soon be smiling and free

I shall not beg for your crumbs
I shall not eat at your feet
I shall now bow down with hands outstretched together towards you hoping for any ounce of love of nurturing.
My hands are clean my heart is pure.
Your mind is corrupted by the greed your heart produces so deep you can’t even see it
I shall not beg for you to do what you should
To do what you have an obligation to
For maybe you have no obligation to me but me to myself to set these boundaries.
I shall not allow you to enter my mind space and steal what I cherish.
I shall not beg for your crumbs when there is a full meal for me to prepare

Nothing from my mouth means much
I am silenced
I am unheard
Nothing from my mouth carries volume
I am over looked
I am unappreciated
Nothing from my mouth makes sense
As I am driven away with screams from your mouth that seem to hold much power in my head.
My mouth will have power once again.

I just saw your name
And **** what a shame
You’re still breathing

When I am gone
Remember the actions you showed
And the intentions behind them that you’ll never own up to.
When I don’t want anymore to do with anything
Remember what your mindset was
Remember how you never could hear anything other than your own excuses or lies
Remember who was telling the truth and labeled a liar
Remember the liar who was always believed.
But you’ll never get a glimpse of my truth.
You don’t deserve it

I want to know what it's like to have a quiet mind
I want to know what it's like to stop searching with nothing to find
I want to know what people are actually thinking instead imagining the worst
I was happy at first.
I saw lights and smelt perfumes
now its fighting my mind with everything that I basically "assume"
I went to parties and stayed out late.
Now I stay home and stay up late.
I sleep all day and I fight my thoughts away.
Maybe the medications are the way.
If you're fighting this too
I'm also with you
Not like the ones who say it
But don’t mean it
Yes, you are great,
While I fight my fate
While I fight it alone
On this flight where will I be flown
I do that sometimes
Make up destinations
with no expectations
just imaginations and fascinations
My god I need a vacation
where will it be?
to the land of Zoloft?
no
Maybe the village of kolonopin
OH
A trip to the Aderalls.
Yeah those feel about right
oh I bet I'm sight
I bet I'm a sight

I was looking for Superman
Spiderman
Batman
Any hero
To save me from the fists
The hands
The body
The breath on the back of my neck
The sweat falling onto my face
But I was met with continuous unbearable repercussions for actions I didn’t partake in
There was no superhero there to save me
But the villain is slayed
By all the parts put together that were once used against me
No law made him pay and he took his own way out
I needed a hero then
But I’m my own hero now
I slay my villains
I fight my battles and I charge into any war there is because Superman didn’t fly down to my rescue
Spider-Man didn’t catch me with his web
And Batman didn’t pull up when I sent out that signal
I did it
I slayed my villain
I am my hero

Once you’ve stood up for yourself
You’re no longer the person they told their secrets to
You’re no longer trusted
You’re no longer the person they run to
Instead they take this Mary go round for a spin and tear you up from within
The ride starts to spin and like children they run to all you’re favorite people and ****** them in
One by one the options are taken
Who you can talk to and have in your life to not look down on you based on lies becomes scarce
But dare I start picking my seat at the the Mary go round
Dare I speak the truth of the adulterer ?
Dare I tell of the nights you lay your head on her pillow while she’s gone
Dare I speak the truth of lust from one family member to another?
Dare I tell of the names wearing masks in your phone ?
Dare I tell the secrets ?
Dare I choose to hit the button and make this ride spin and spin and spin
I know who I am
I was trusted.
Dismissed
Kicked and pushed
I had a rope for a spine
Too loose to keep this body up let alone fine
But I lace this rope though my metal rod tightening it with my every being
Now ask yourself this
What TRUTH will she soon be speaking?

She’s learning to be silent
To move with the waves of the sea
Crashing against her body
Each wave taking her further and further until she is no where to be seen
She is learning that she is not drowning
There is no need for a life vest
There is no need for someone to come save her
She is learning that family can be a neighbor
She is learning that love is labor and a labor of love is worth earning
There is no boat for her here
There is only storms to take her further as she awaits to stumble on some beautiful island
To be at peace with the sea
To be able to stand on land
To succeed once she’s freed