You sit in your chair, calm and collected.
Betraying no emotion or nerves
You're a rock of composure
But i see the tell tale trembling in your hands
You clutch the threads of your worn pants in a vice grip
Trying to hold back the creeping tide of tremors
You lock your knees together in desperation
Grit your teeth and clench your jaw
But more and more, the cracks spread through your body
And once again, the demons of anxiety run amok in your body
Slamming the chambers of your heart with their thorny fists,
Freezing your lungs with their icy breath
Crowding out all lucid thoughts with their incoherent babble
"Not again, not again, not again"
"please stop, please"
You cry in the shadowed recesses of the your own mind over and over
Hiding from hounding demons
But like always, the demons of anxiety do not heed words
The silent battle is once again lost
Your shame, cowardice and weak spine is laid bare to the eyes and judgment of the world
I know the feeling
I know you
I am you

How are you? They ask
I reply:

"I am fine."
I say that every morning
I say that to everyone
I say that to myself in the mirror...everyday
Change has found me and my life in many ways
But I feel nothing has changed
I am still...me.


How are you? They ask
I hesitate...I reply:

"I am.....fine."
Something feels off.
An undercurrent of unease travels through me
I dunno what, how or why
I have not changed yet I am not the same.
I read books right? Yes but not as much as I used to
I listen to music? Yes...but not as much
And not the same stuff anymore.
I watch movies? Yes but rarely
So I am fine but I am also not myself.


How are you? They ask
I pause....I reply.

"I....am fine......"

Pause.

I....am.
I........am not sure I am fine.
I was.....fine
I used to be....but right now
Right here...in the present...I do not know
I am not sure anymore....
I feel.....disconnected
Like Humpty Dumpty, I feel like a mosaic of fragments
Broken, cracked and yet whole
With all my pieces in the wrong places, the wrong order
I feel normal yet I also feel wrong

How are you? They ask
I reply .....

"I am not fine"
Bits and pieces of my being exist
But not in the right places
I am
I exist
I live
I am myself but not the same
I feel like facsimile, a broken copy
I used to be whole
Now, I am just bits and pieces masquerading as a whole

I keep moving
Like a river flowing, never ceasing
I can't stop to catch a break
Or to breathe in the sweet, fragrant breeze
I can't stop to think
Should I look behind just for a second? I don't dare
Behind me rides all my greatest fears
Like dark storm clouds on the horizon
My inadequacies and sins laid bare
Like a field of thorns, they ***** and tear
Behind me flies a host of wailing wraiths
Their mournful cries echo in my ears
My unfulfilled dreams, like autumn leaves
Scattered in the wind, forever lost in time
But I keep moving forward, ever on
Hoping to outrun my past and find the sun.

I killed him,
That little voice in my head
That screamed and wailed
Till I was near dead
His wordless cries of sorrow
Tearing at my heart
His cries of pain
Tearing me apart

I killed him,
That little voice in my head
That haunted me, over and over
In the lonely hours of midnight
The sombre early dawn
When all was still
And the world slept blissfully unaware
When I was alone and vulnerable

I killed him,
That little voice in my head
Blessed silence is my only gain
A moment’s peace
Before he comes again
I have silenced him,
For now
But he’ll rise again
And again and again
I know he will be back
That little voice, in my head.

Maybe I'm just a shadow, cast by the sun,
Part of the light but never truly one.
I fear the dark, and what it may hold
It ***** my emotions and makes my heart grow cold

The warmth of the light burns my fragile being
I lose my substance, I lose myself
Darkness sinks into me, consumes my health
I fear the dark and what I might find,
A loss of my being, an end to my mind

I'm torn by forces, beyond my control
Subjected to change, over and over
I struggle so hard, to find a balance
In my mind,
my heart
and my soul

If there is one thing that's familiar, it's the feeling of loss,
Of being out of place, and longing for what's lost
Life as a shadow is only temporary,
I know it will end, I want it to end
But until it does, I keep existing in limbo
As a shadow,
Never truly part of the light.
Never truly part of the dark.

Once, I yearned for this gift
Made from tin, cold and unfeeling,
How could I not yearn for this pulsating *****
Warm and full of life

That breathes colours and sound to the pictures in my mind and the music in my soul
The final piece to make this tin man whole

O wizard, what foolhardy creation have I sought?
This wondrous yet dreadful lump of flesh
A living repository of despair
Of trembling hands
Of stuttered words
And of gasping breaths

O wizard, what misery your magic has brought
An ***** so frail and weak
Given to fanciful imagination
Chained to wanton desire and emotion
Swayed by what-ifs and pained by forget-me-mots

O Wizard, take from me that which you have wrought
Give me back the hollow comfort of metal
Of the cold void, quiet, unfeeling and unchanging
Make me what I was always meant to be.
A tin man through and true.

1....5....20....100....500
In the silence of midnight madness
My mind ticks frantically
My herd grows by the hundred
780.....1000.....3000.....8000
In the silence of creeping dawn
My heart beats in a frenzy
My herd grows by the thousand