I hate the way you cared for me.
I would have rather never been loved than to know what I do now
To know how it feels to be comforted,
To have your soft hands holding my face
To curl my body into yours,
To hide my face in the crook of your neck,
To be safe,
To be loved.
That is the cruelest thing you've ever done to me.

When I get up in the morning,
I’ll see you.
...
All we ever do is pull apart.
But I’d love to see this through,
Cause Darling you’re more special than you know.
More bright than you’ll ever conceive,
Kinder than  soft words,
Softer than my mother’s silk pillows.

I miss you.

When you open your eyes,
Heavy from  sleep,
Your body trying to keep your mind out of reality,
And make it stay in your dream,
And no matter how hard you try,
You just can’t remember,
And yet the emotion lingers,
Leaving you nostalgic,
And feeling like you just left,
The most real and authentic moment of your life.
Well I have a secret,
Those nights when your mind wanders,
You are connected,
To that one person
The soulmate you haven't met,
That is why,
When you meet them,
It’s like you've known them all your life…

It feels like parts of you are slipping through my grasp,
and all I can hold onto is a vague fog,
deepening around me.
I wake up, your touch on my skin, your name coming through my stuttered breaths.
And I don’t really know if it hurts less, or it just hurts differently.

Could your delicate hands,
hold me?
Could your soft lips,
press into my face?

I want to ravish and scream,
I want to press my tongue into someone's mouth,
I want to press this burning into anyone else
I want it out,
Singed and simmering on someone else's skin,
This smoke so thick it could be solid to rest inside someone else's chest,
I  want to cry,
To feel numb
To let everything pour away, and never see it again,
Returning to withered ashes and bones yet again

please know that.

A life of sun
A way of love,
I missed you all,
I don't know your expectations,
I don't know your love,
I can't think of why
you'd pick to be friends with me.
But If you want to,
I'd accept,
Because you've exeeded
All of mine.

I'm here to stay.
Howling, your demons fight and scratch and scream.
I know Honey.
We're still best friends.
Hush your whimpers, I know they whisper in your ear.
Sometimes I can hear them too.
You're a queen and a broken one at that.
But I'm here now, to hold and keep you as best I can.
You can fight back.
I'll still be here. as hard as you push away. I'm still here.

im so tired of not being okay

What do i do
Can you please be concerned
Try to understand
My world ends almost every week
And you just stand there
I can’t do this without you
I deserve to sleep at night
But when your gone,
I wonder if your ok
School is getting so hard
If you don’t come back
I’ll be dysfunctional
I won’t come back
I’ll stay in my mind
Nonexisting

I miss you,
even when your face rests in front of mine.
I'm jealous,
Even though I was the one to tear us apart.
I should have kept trying to fall for what was already mine.

I hope you never lose the fire you hold inside you.

like a little kid,
the sensations overwhelm me,
frustration and love and hurt and longing.
tears build up in the corners of my eyes,
as pleasure overwhelms me.
but you're not here
so i cry in my pain all night

Leave his heart
Forget his face
Surrender  his smell
You need to forget this place...
You're no longer his counterpart
Give up his embrace
Forget the fact, you knew him well

She always smiles like she’s about to cry,
Looking at me,
As though she’s expecting a goodbye.
I’m not leaving,
But I can’t stay too close.
For I’m afraid to live,
But more afraid to die.

If you were mine
I'd tell you how i feel
But we're separated by miles
miles of love
miles of brain blocks
This night i thought of you
As the warm sunlight drifted into a humid midnight
I remembered us
I layed on top of my poofy comforter,
all that covered me was the pleasant air
softer than its been all year...
The tiny fan I used to listen to, playing again
Covering me, back and forth with ripples of wind
I sat there and thought of white beaches and beds outside
The fan blowing over the two of us, snuggling closer this time
We were only five, but even then i knew
I wanted to make you mine.

I’ve been dreaming about you
And I realised, i never got to know
Until i realised that we were overdue
You were already gone
And your broken parts
Were scattered and twinkling
like the morning dew
In the morning dawn
Always out of reach

Snow, drifting in and out of my mind.
Sun, shining through the cracks in my chest.
Rain, pouring out of my overflowed eyes.
Music soothing, writhing in my soul.
The world has shifted.
Ever so slightly.
Can you tell?
Have you noticed?

I am stuck, dreaming
I wonder what dream is awaiting me in this dark place
I hear my perfect dream calling
I see a floating, breathing thing
I want to leave, and then i don’t
I am stuck, dreaming

I pretend  i won’t wake
I feel as free as air
I touch my perfect ecstasy
I worry that my mind is a million miles away
I cry out, for i cannot wake
I am stuck, dreaming

I try to be heard
I understand what i must do
I say that  reality has a price
And i hope for freedom
I am stuck, dreaming

People say to live every day like it was your last,
but they call you impulsive when you do.
I used to wish id die of cancer,
so I could call you,
see you again,
Cause who would say no to a dying 17-year-old in love?
And I'd still rather have 2 weeks to live spent with you,
than a whole life without you.

Lay with me in the rain,
  Walk with me in the twilight,
  Hold me in the dark,
  Sing to me from beside the fire.
       You glow on the fading sunlight of an autumn day,
                                                                The leaves falling,
                                       And so are you,
Dying

I love you so ******* much that it hurts.

You ask for my opinion,
but did you actually want it?
It seems like you just wanted confirmation.
You ask what I'm learning,
And then proceed to tell me why all of it is wrong.
You speak
                 and
                        you speak
                                         and
                                                y o u
                                                            s  p  e  a  k

you speak without research or regard,
without consideration for the other side.
So for once can you just listen?  Cause this needs to be heard.

You are N O T  justified in oblivion.
You are entitled to your informed opinion, N O T your ignorance.
I'm sick of you talking about things you don't understand,
And I'm tired of your refusal to listen to me.

I dreamed you kissed me
That you loved me enough
To break it
And kiss me.

I awoke because fireflies buzzed in my lungs.
And I didn’t dare open my lips, lest the light spill from inside in a deluge of meaningless stuttering sentences that would never accurately explain the love I felt.
Instead it filled my chest,
molten gold pressing against my ribcage,
and I breathed as well as I could through the honeyed glow as I watched you sleep.
This was my favorite of their many faces:
no boisterous mask, no fire laced beneath their words, flames built to comfort or burn or blaze bright, blinding.
Without their mask, they seemed… human

Without their mask, they were beautiful.

Deep inside of me,
I am torn
A book without pages,
An empty spine
Somewhere,
I'll find you,
I can't save you,
But i'll stay,
Like i always have...

do you remember those videos you sent?
you would be singing in the car,
and your little siblings would be in the back.
You showed me small moments of your life,
shared a piece of the universe that makes up you.
I never told you,
that those really did mean the world to me.

I took care of myself.
and sobbed through a therapy session,
I was the one to sign up for the next appointment.
I took care of myself
and worked through pages of homework, even when I could hear arguing from your room.
Even when tears fell on the pages and all I wanted was to run away.
I took care of myself,
When I remembered what happened,
hands under my nightgown,
My four year old brain not knowing what was happening.
I took care of myself,
When I bought a pride shirt,
And some middle aged women told me I was going to hell.
I took care of myself,
Even when you told me the God I know is with me,
Was against my very being.

I did it on my own.
So when you say you won’t walk me down the aisle,
Or pay for my wedding,
Or love me the way you said you always would...
I don’t need you. I learned.
At sixteen,
How to love myself,
And I did on my own.

a scream down an empty hallway.
that's what it feels to think about it.
as broken air conditioner hums along,
the darkness shrouding the actions of a man I did not know,
who's hands were in places they didn't belong,
and I wonder if that night from my childhood,
will ever really be gone.
I couldn't say no,
If I didn't know what was going on.

Then i plunge down, under the gelid water
And the world around me softens
I open my eyes to a familiar glow
The muffled light and the deepened shadows
Remind me of a time when all we said was “hello”

When you leave, i’ll still seek her
But she never left that stupid coffin
So it seems we’ll never know
The world beyond the shadows

I still love you.
I'll love you even from a million miles away,
even years from that last time we talked.


even from a different embrace.

your love is hidden
and you dwindle into water molecules,
floating in the agitated curling mist.
my voice is scraped raw,
even though I never spoke.
Are you even there?
Are you hidden, or gone?

I've learned that doubt is part of the journey,
as integral and important as faith.
I've learned  that it can be easier to leave people to their own conclusions,
rather than try to explain a convoluted truth.
I've learned that love is not to be protected, but risked,
and that loving someone is an inherently dangerous act.
You taught me the difference between losing something you knew you had, and losing something you didn't.
And how you can only feel something by its absence,
by the empty spaces left.
And I know that soon, I'll get that feeling.
The one after you finish a book or turn off a movie.
Where I feel thrown back into a reality I don't want, one I don't belong to.
And my chest will become cavernous.

When I walk,
into the house of worship and prayer,
with notions,
of souls without bodies,
and people not constrained,
by the labels and boundaries of this earth,
of loving without restraint,
without a condition of what they look like,
They all agree.
until I say,
I meant, the concepts of gender, and sexuality.