I found him late;
beautiful voice,
handsome face,
every sound I ever wanted
already sung.

He seemed kind.
Alive.

Then I read the ending.
So young.
So long ago.

And I just sat there,
stupid,
like it still mattered.

You are the happy friend.
You seek compliments but you don’t believe them.
You can’t be the messed up friend because they have it worse.
You can’t compare because they won’t see it as bad as it is.
You are the happy friend.
You are the funny friend.
You are the safe friend.
You let them vent, you let them share.
You take the burden so they don’t have to. You carry their weight-
adding to yours.
You don’t let them see.
They check in with you but you know you can’t say anything.
You can’t trust them with your feelings. They don’t need more on their plate.
They can’t handle it, but you can.
You can’t be delicate.
You can’t be hurt.
You are unbothered.
Because you are the happy friend.

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body.  i like what it does,
i like its hows.  i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones,and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the,shocking fuzz
of your electric furr,and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh….And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

I look at my eyes
and I don't see anything in them
they're just dead
the little girl sparkle is extinguished
the flame of hope is tired
and the brightness is done caring
my eyes are dead
and they reflect my heart

opening my window
sitting on the roof
with my knees tucked to my chin
staring into the night
drops of rain falling all around me
the breeze reminding me
that I do feel
the croak of frogs down in the pond
chirp of crickets
stars hidden beneath a blanket of clouds
the pattern of the rain matches
the drops of my tears
people care
and this night is too pure
to be sad

you say I don't respect you
and maybe I don't
but I definitely fear you
respect is a two way street
respect goes both ways
when you stop ruling with fear
and respect me
maybe I'll try harder to respect you

It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
forever
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived