Love is a game we like to play, not always sincere with the words we say.
We dance with another drawing each other in like cat and mouse we run away again.
I love you, you love me so anxious to achieve! But once you’re there do you believe?
The words you are saying, the words you hear coming from an immature heart to a deaf ear.
The thrill of the chase of all thats new. When it settles into routine leaves you seeking something true.
You begin to push and they to pull longing for that feeling a love so full.
You yearn and you burn When it begins but then find yourself tossing and turning as it ends.
You wake up one day, feeling scarred and broken, a little bled out from wounds that are open.
You begin to heal, to focus on you, determined to find things that are true.
Sick of the games you no longer wish to play. Only focusing on you and the ones who stay.
Who bring compassion and peace, who promote safety and joy. Not dallying with those who treat your heart like baggage or a toy.
No longer seeking a love that burns. You have the scars you want one that stands firm.
Where you support each other as you grow. The pace of it steady and slow.

Crazy, jumbled, mixed up, mumbled
Lasting, loving, pushing, shoving
Bending, breaking, giving, taking
Fast, fleeting, rebuilding, bleeding
Truth, lies, failures, trys
How much longer in this way,
crazy narrative set on replay.
Between life and death our story will rise,
amidst our yearning calling out to the skies.  
Our heart so open as our journey begins,
Wandering and searching for where we fit in.
Place after place we try on some new clothes
Uncomfortable in our own skin so it goes.
But more and more we seem to find,
If we cover up we leave us behind.
So we decide to let little parts show,
But then they tear us to shreds tell us go!
So what then everything or nothing at all,
This leaves us scarred and feeling small.
We try and we fail learning as we go,
Trying to cover up not let the scars show.
Until at last we are done with the pretense,
Time to let being who we are commence.
Broken and bleeding on our knees we crawl,
Rebuilding ourselves no longer afraid to fall

Time flows by like sand through a sieve.
The  hourglass doesn’t slow or forgive.
My heartbeat pounding in my ears,
next logical step drowned by my fears.
Hard to move forward when you seem frozen in place.
Teetering like a delicate sculpture ready to break.
Shaped by my past my present rips me apart. Choose a path…. But instead i graph and chart.
Which way is best, not painful, truthful no ruse, but the answers don’t line up and so my heart i  just confuse.
Perhaps looking for the path that carries no pain,
Is what is setting me off course making me insane?
It doesn’t really exist, it’s called apathy and going numb.
I don’t want to lose myself to the temptation, i wont succumb.
But what’s the alternative this constant uncertainty, pain, and grief.
Cycle on repeat no break or relief?
Worn out by the burden of carrying it all
pushed beyond capacity becoming small.
I’ve taught myself to be less to avoid the pain
rejection, irritation, anger, being called a drain.
Careful of who i let see more than just a shadow
Hiding behind the image they want to bestow.
I find myself longing to just break free.
Release the self made constraints holding me.

Shes gone i think, The girl who used to be energetic and fun. She used to crave adventure but now shes always on the run.
The girl who dreamed, who believed in magic and happily ever after. Now she doesn’t dare try because it all ends in disaster.
The girl who was creative and not afraid to dance. Now cant bring herself to try to take a chance.
The girl who was strong and had her own way of being, now walking on eggshells forever retreating.
Heartbreak has left her in pieces barely holding it all together. Really not sure another blow she can weather.
Disappointed and disillusioned seeing the shadows and feeling the pain. Used to look for rainbows but now theres only rain.
Hope is fading and i feel so lost……
in the consequences of choices made when i didn’t know the cost.
Shes screaming inside me to not let go, but how much longer i can hold onto her i just dont know.

My heart beating so fast i am aching inside. Wanting to stand firm waring with wanting to hide.
Your angry and aggressive and feeling trapped. Your words and attitude hit me like I’ve been slapped.
I take a deep breath trying to stay calm
I set up boundaries to protect myself from harm.
I try to speak calmly stay neutral when i convey
Certain things when we communicate are not ok.
You don’t have to change or feel differently
But when those things happen it wont involve me.
I am learning how to stand up how to stand strong.
How to convey a problem without telling you your all wrong.
I don’t desire to control you, change you, or tell you what to do.
I cannot dictate what you feel and believe is true.
But i am also done hiding, I’m done buffering, or giving in. I wont make peace at my own peace’s expense again.
I wont participate in a conversation or action that feels unsafe or goes against what i believe!
I am no longer willing to participate in the chaos that makes my soul grieve

Every time i think I’ve hit the bottom there is another hole in the floor. Searching for my way out but i cant find the door.
Unstable and unsteady again and again i fall, i am worried when its over there will be nothing left at all.
Crumbling all around me so much that needs repair. Do i keep on  holding it together not giving into despair.
I long for peace like a desert longs for rain, but here i am falling through chaos and pain.
This grief so heavy rising is a chore. Half afraid of /half longing for the day i wont rise anymore.
Just the honest truth my insides feel like a battle torn waste, but on the outside i pull it all back put a smile on my face.
Like planting roses for a structure that has been condemned. Trying to protect something precious but not equipped to defend.
Living in this pattern of hold it together, cry out, crawl, and fall. Nothing that i do seems to matter at all.
Left wondering why i keep fighting when it seems to all end in a mess. I don’t want perfect i just don’t want Aching emptiness.