It Was All A Dream

My relationship with my body and ***
has been strange since I was a little kid,
when my father stepped into the shower with me
while no one else was home.

I blacked out most of what came next,
but for years, I had nightmares:
him drowning me
in the deep end of our neighborhood pool.

My mother said it was only a dream.

These are some of the few memories
my father left me
that, and arriving pisspoor drunk
at dawn in a yellow taxi cab.

To wake to his silhouette
bursting through my bedroom door,
my mother clawing at him,
her screams slicing through the dark,
raising the hairs across my body,
begging him
the father of her child
to leave me alone.
I’d close my eyes and wish to sleep forever.

My mother said that they were dreams too.

I was never able
To call you mine.
But for six months
Everyday,
At a quarter to noon,
I got a voice text
From you.

Hey bronze boy,
come take a seat.
Have a cup of ayahuasca
I’m all out of tea.

I can’t stop,
I’ll never let it be
until I have you crawling
Back on your knees.

Begging for forgiveness,
begging me please
Let’s talk
Let’s take it easy

Too late.
It’s gonna be a wild ride.
Your momma never taught you
there’s danger in too much pride?

You worked hard,
got the degrees
doesn’t make you more of a man
when it’s women you can’t please.

You know reading, writing, arithmetic
but you never learned the skills to be a man.
Just a little *****
playing dress-up,
telling women to get on their hands.

You like control.
You like power.
You’re a high society type of man.

I’ll teach you life lessons
I learned on the streets:
anyone can fall on their ***,
And everyone can be beat.

You’re a scholar,
you’re a baller,
you’re a tiny little man.
Will you ever get the courage
to pop your head out of the sand?

Call it for what it was.
Put a name on my hurt.
Honor my last breath,
before you cover me in dirt.

I like to think
maybe it wasn’t meant
to be goodbye just then.
Maybe we were meant
to have our lives,
to one day meet again.

Maybe on a hot summer’s day,
Under the Utah sun,
We’ll both have salt and pepper hair,
And lock eyes on the horizon.

Our hearts would stop,
and so would our paths.
Fate giving us
A second shot
to reconcile
our past.

If you wanted to tear my life apart,
tell me you always thought the future would be ours,
too.

And you did.

How many times
must I think it through?
It's been three years now,
I no longer even know you.
Some may argue I never did.

But I saw it in you.
I saw it in your eyes, kid.
Two out of two, they both sat low.
Tears welled in your eyes when it was time for you to go.

some people never go crazy.
me, sometimes I'll lie down behind the couch
for 3 or 4 days.
they'll find me there.
it's Cherub, they'll say, and
they pour wine down my throat
rub my chest
sprinkle me with oils.
then, I'll rise with a roar,
rant, rage -
curse them and the universe
as I send them scattering over the
lawn.
I'll feel much better,
sit down to toast and eggs,
hum a little tune,
suddenly become as lovable as a
pink
overfed whale.
some people never go crazy.
what truly horrible lives
they must lead.