I want the first months back when we couldn't keep any plans we'd make.. after that first kiss hello we'd end up in bed for hours, the evening just sliding through our fingers like skin

Yesterday I asked you if I do anything that makes you feel that bliss I feel when you run your fingers through my hair

and you said no
not that you could think of

I lay traps and you hit the trip wires 
bare skin, bare sin, radiating heat
I want to rage, slam my fists against your chest, backspace it out, anything
But there's no going back now.

I wanted to hurt, deserved it
bad
only good for ***
that cure song on replay in my head..useless and ugly, useless and ugly a ******* waste..
I couldn't stop myself from saying it under my breath.

You mention her too much to mean nothing,
I hear her name and it's like running my tongue over a split lip, a good hurt, I can't make myself leave it alone .

Why don't you go, why are you here?

Do you want me there, every time you turn over in bed, every room you walk out of and into, in your spot on the sofa, with your remote in my hand?
Do you need a minute?
I'm not sure why people do that, I'm not sure why I want that, if I want that.
Am I being selfish, not wanting to share my space?
But also wanting to share my space.
You invade it, slide into it, spill over my rough edges and then I notice you there, how long have you been there?
I'll share my morning hair, coffee breath and bad singing because I've decided missing you is worse.

Easing in
Slow and deliberate
I know where I'm going
Familiar place but foreign
I don't speak the language
But I get by
Exploring the terrain with my eyes and hands and mouth
I relax into the slow and steady pace 
I can see the perfection through the haze and smoke
Determined, I continue to my destination
I'm coming

It sounds silly and like a teenage crush

you're Sweet Valley High paperbacks
and Sassy magazine

you're 12 free cassettes and the journal under my bed
The Cure and everlasting days at the community pool

you're all the things my heart invented late one afternoon
at the end of summer
when everything is baked and brown and you think things will always be that way

You're the way things change when you don't want them to

For future reference, so I remember
we were standing in the middle of the room, your hands at the small of my back, flat palms pulling my body into you
you kissed me and there was nothing else but you and I
and I thought.. marry me.

But I step forward and you step back, you step forward, I step back.. we've got this dance down
neither of us willing to risk standing still when the other comes forward.