I've spent a long time now thinking about how I need to love myself and respect myself more. About how I need to work harder to achieve this goal of mine to finally be fully happy with myself and the way I am. I of course have my down moments like everyone else, the days when: you think someone would never like you or want to date you solely because of your size, you feel like the world stares at you in repulsion, you get on a diet kick that doesn't seem to work and everyone just keeps saying that you aren't trying hard enough, someone takes the opportunity to pick on your weight just because they know you are insecure about it and you are having a fight with them, people refuse to partner with you for anything and you blame your looks, you are never anyone's' first choice, or sometimes even the second or third choice, you are dead last, a store doesn't carry your size but your friends, even with good intentions, try to make you try things on and you don't want to tell them that nothing here will fit you, you might even make up an excuse, or when someone so tiny compared to you, talks about how fat they are, and you think, "what does that make me?" But then you have your up days, where: You feel cute with how you look and comfortable in what you're wearing, you find something you love in your size, you eat a good meal and don't feel bad about it, you sit down somewhere and feel comfortable enough with who you are around that you can eat and drink and do what you want to do with no judgement, a random stranger compliments you, you win an argument without stooping to the level of picking on someones looks or weight, you find someone who accepts you for you. Those good days should out way the bad, but some days one bad time can ruin a whole weeks worth of good things for you, and that's ridiculous. So please be kind to others, and yourself. For the fact is, you know how it feels, even if it has only happened to you once, to feel alone and bad about the beautiful body you are in. I'm working towards loving myself more and accepting the things I have been given to live with. I hope this journey leads me to a brighter path and a better future, and I know I am worth more than my weight and the way I look. So take me as I am, or don't bother with me at all, because you are not worth my time of day.

The body breaks
My hands begin to snap at the wrist
My bones splinter, inch by inch
My skin removes itself from its tissue
My eyes can no longer see anything but darkness

The mind manipulates
My brain pretends things are there that are not
My hallucinations have never been so real
My PTSD has never been so confining
My mental illness has never isolated me this much
My thoughts have never been so tricked by fear

The heart hurts
My feelings lead me to become emotional
My conscience leads me to become guilty
My expectations lead me to become broken
My love for another leads me to become sterile

I fade
I die out
I become dust over the ocean
Over the grass
Over my fleeting bones
But You never will.

Now as my loneliness rages
And fire burns away my shell
I will learn to rely on You
You alone
I will soldier on
With You as my commander.

my nail polish is chipped
and my knees are bruised
and my eyes have dark
circles and i don't smile
often and getting out of
bed everyday is almost
painful and i miss too
many people at night
and i stutter when i'm
nervous but at least i'm
not dead yet i guess

Kissing you was like swallowing
the salty, salty sea:

I have corals for ribs,
and seaweed limbs;
my bones are ship-wreck saves
and wishful pennies.

My heart is a sea-shell:
if you put your ear to it,
you’ll hear me screaming, shouting,
pining
for you.

I have always remembered how you danced in my dreams.
The way you interlocked your fingers with mine.
When you kissed me no matter where we were.
And when you poked me at my back and smiled.

I have always remembered that all of those are only in my dreams.
That it's not meant to happen in real life.

That you’ll never hold my hand unless we high-five.
That when you kiss me on my cheek, it’s on a dare.
And when you poke me at my back you just need to tell me something.

I have always remembered how you make the stars lose their light.
The way you smile and I melt.
How you keep me on waking up every morning.
How your face shines among the rest of the crowd.

I have always remembered that all of those I have to keep to myself.
‘Cause you’ll only dance for me…
In my dreams…