Up on the hill we were watching the city beneath  us.

A city in constant movement, completely unaware of our existence.

We felt like the world was ours to take.

Oh, the plans we made for the city of lights..

That night we promised each other forever.

Wearing your way too big hoodie I gently kissed your forehead.

Hoping the night would never end.

For once the sky was clear, I saw a shooting star and made a wish.

That our forever was real.

With you laying in my arms watching the stars,
talking about how we waved at ourselves from a parallell universe I thought it was.

But sometimes love isn't enough.

Like a Phoenix I will rise, again and again.

Cut my wings, **** me even.

But I'll be back.

I will resurrect.

I was never born, I can never die.

Every downfall is oxygen to my already burning flame.

Instead of killing me you're feeding my fire..

..can't you see?

I loved someone who saw my qualities as flaws.

I trusted someone who spoke lies fluently.

I literally crossed oceans for someone who'd never jump a puddle for me.

I cared for someone who, with a cold face watched me cry.

I was held by someone who didn't really care.

I have sent a hundred texts to someone who ignored me for days.

I was with someone who expected the best but gave the worst.

I have said "I love you" to someone who didn't answer.

I loved someone with all my heart knowing he was breaking me.

But I will never stop loving.

Someday, someone else will see my flaws as qualities.

A blank new page.

Staring, wondering.

What should my next chapter be?

Where do I go from here?

The blank pages have no answers.

The pencil is trembling in my hand.

I take a deep breath as I write

Now live.

I heard your voice, and i heard home.

We speak the same language, a language no one else would understand.

Raised on the same streets, in different cities.

We just look at each other and smile.

In our chaotic world we've found peace.

Knowing we are home.

I want to tell you I like you, how my heart beats for you.

How it skips a beat everytime I see you.

But I won't.

Afraid I might lose you.

I know you like me too.

How you smile when you see me.

The hugs that are a little too long.

The connection we have is obvious.

Together we shine.

Yet we do nothing.

I'll keep loving you in secret.

Hoping one day we'll end up together.

The summer air still smells like you.
Gentle breezes touch my skin with memories of you.

Empty passenger seat,
I wonder how you are.

Your old workplace.
Red light.

Like clockwork you appear..

In the peryphery I see you laughing with a cigarette in your hand.
I hear the voice I used to love, and I smile.

You're the same, yet different.
Thinner than I remember, more handsome than I wished to..

Light turns green.

Nostalgic with an aching heart, I have to leave you behind.

Shadows from the sun cast reflections of us.

Open wide road.

Through an open window I breathe our memories.

I whisper to the gentle breeze, hoping you'll hear it.

"Dias de luta, dias de gloria."

My goal for this summer.

I'll take my places back.

The places I showed him.

They were mine first and I'll make them mine again.

Create new memories without him.

With my friends, cause they'll remember with me.

I won't be afraid, I will take my places back.

Even if it hurts the first times, they'll be mine again.

Cause it's my goal this summer.

The burning feeling in my stomach calms me.

I don't even mind.

You have been my friend for years.

Feeling myself starving makes me feel alive.

The crawling under my skin. Too familliar.

I'm in control of my destiny, or am I?

My body is disappering and I don't care.

Do I live or die? It's up to me.

My old friend. I haven't seen you in awhile.

All the years we've spent together, makes me feel close to you once again.

Do we go down together this time?

I don't care as long as you're with me.

You're the only one who never leaves.

With you by my side I'd do anything.

Even destroying myself in the process.

Words with you, are overrated.

Your light green eyes, smooth honey to my soul.

Through my spiritual reflection I see your face.

I hear my thoughts narrated, with your voice.

A shivering, and I know it's you.

Our bodies calling for each other.

We connect through silence.

We just know.

It's happening.

It.

Which mask should I wear today?
No one can handle seeing the bare, naked me,
so I created a closet filled with masks.
One for every mood expected of me.
So which one is it?
The happy, loving one?
The sad one?
The supporting one?
The angry one?

Please don't catch me off guard. I want to keep you.

I still dream about you almost every night.
Happy dreams, and I wake up missing you.
When those turn into nightmares,
when I wake up happy that it was only a dream,
that's when I know I'm over you.

I hear your voice from the corridor.

Your laughter triggers my grief, I get so weak.

The voice that once gave me butterflies now feels like a dagger in my chest.

I can no longer hide, time's up.

I have to face you.

I wasn't strong enough to look down and our eyes met.

I felt the space, the universe even, between us.

A cracked glass wall I can't punch through no matter how hard I'd try.

While facing reality the ground beneath me gets blurry.

I'll never get away from you.

The walls I have to build to survive having you around won't be crushable.

Loving you will be my loneliest downfall.

My desperate cries led you to ignore me.

You heard me, but chose not to listen.

You left me stuck and confused with the pain from your empty words..

The words of a fragile love song.

I'm left with sadness, caused by your true words.

Don't wait for me, you said.

I guess a fool never learns.

I'm back at the place I've been scared of going to since last summer.

The day I felt so happy I didn't care if I died.

When I was watching the sea and the boats, and the sun was burning my face.

Everything still looks the same today.

Except I'm alone..

The rain is falling on my face.

I feel the drops on my face, soaking me,
but I don't mind.

The memories from last year feels fresh, like your presence is still here.

I can see it like a movie playing.

How you're sitting next to me drawing,
I hear your laughter and I'm watching you smile in peace.

We both felt like life was perfect, complete.

But that was then..

Now this place is all mine again, you'll never spend another day here with me .

The memory of you keeps fading.

It made me cry in silence..

My tears mixed with the rain as I'm slowly trying to let you go.

The journey to freedom has been so long.

I thank the figher in me for digging me out of the hole that tried to swollow me.

To be honest I thought I'd be dead by summer.

But here I am.

Standing tall, still covered in mud.

Letting go of my love is horrifying.

The pain is so deeply rooted.

But it's time to break free.

I choose to jump of that cliff of sorrow, not knowing what's down there.

As a prisoner of betrayal I still feel the chains around my feet.

Trying so hard to break free.

I need to heal the deep marks in my skin.

I have the man with the key by my side.

He's trying so hard, but the locks are rusty from years in captivity.

Will the locks or the key break first? I wonder.

I lied.

I am afraid, like for real.

The empty promises from the past are haunting me.

Destroying this.

Biting my tounge, to not question.

A constant battle in my head.

The insecurities are there to remind me.

That no one ever stayed..

In each others arms for hours.
Memorizing everything, cause this is the last time.
Air filled with grief.
So many tears.
Words of love.
Closer than ever, yet far.
This is our farewell.

She is growing, but not the way you might think.

The face in the mirror looks different.

Peaceful.

Her smile is no longer forced, it has become a natural part of her.

Her laugh echoes with pure joy.

Spreading.

Her voice is calm and humble.

Soothing to others.

Her steps are light, like she's dancing down the streets.

Freedom.

She's standing tall, yet relaxed.

Protective.

Her whole body radiates safety and love.

Caring.

This is her growing.

If you don't know how to give love to your child, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to support your child emotionally, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to show empathy, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to point your child in the right direction, don't be a mum.

If you don't know how to be a mum, don't be a mum.

He sleeps so peacefully.

With my head on his chest I listen  to his heart beat.

My fingers running through his soft hair.

He seems so innocent and vulnerable.

I get so overwhelmed by emotions I can barely breathe.

This is what falling hard feels like.

We need each other.

The mess and I.

We're like magnets.

In the moments of silence, one of us calls.

The calm and peace kills us both.

Without chaos we wouldn't exist.

I no longer know who created who.

But I do know,

we're like yin and yang, the mess and I.

Still I cry

Remembering everything

Preventing myself from moving on

No matter how far I've come,
how much time has passed

It's still there, like a fresh wound

Every day is a battle against the past

I'm a prisoner of our memories

Like a gentle summer breeze he is touching my face.

So soft and warm.

Playing with my hair and kissing my skin.

I breathe him in, a hint of coconut.

He's everywhere, my summer air.

Even through the coldest nights he comforts me.

To remind me.

He's always there.

When I picture us together it's almost perfect.

We always have a blast, laughing together and talking about everything and nothing.

How beautiful it would be to add summer dates, roadtrips, singing in the car and kisses to that.

But that picture is cracking.

It's getting clearer that we will never be.

It hurts. My god it hurts..

You must be feeling it too, but something is holding you back.

I think about you all the time, and what we could be.

How do I bury my feelings for you when you make my heart skip beats when I hear you laugh and smile at me?

How do I let this go when everytime you look me deep in the eyes I just wanna kiss you?

Anxiety
The sound of lighting a cigarette
Inhale, a feeling of relief
Exhale, the thoughts of you.

I don't want you in my head anymore.

It's over, nothing left to say.

I guess a year of sorrow and neglect changed me.

I can't remember a day without anxiety anymore.

I see people laughing and I can't remember what it's like.

To laugh with your whole body and soul.

Meeting you destroyed my life, to the point where I can't even see it as a wisdom.

I know who I am but i don't feel it.
I am disconnected from myself.

Anything to escape the pain.

I don't know how much longer I can take.

I thought writing about you would set me free, but it didn't.

And you weren't worth it, you weren't worth any of it.

I tried to help you find yourself but I lost me.

Can I ever find myself again or is that battle lost too?

There's only ashes left from the fire you once started in me

All I can think about is you with her, are you with her?
That beautiful girl you've found..

Do you kiss her the way you kissed me?
Like the world was about to end..

Is she kissing your neck, inhaling your smell?
Just like I did..

Are you touching her the way you touched me?
Like your hands would catch fire if you didn't..

Do you have that spark in your eyes once again?
The one that made me fall for you so hard..

Are you promising her the future?
Like you did with me..

Are you building a kingdom?
The one we were supposed to..

In this summer heat, I've been drinking for days.

Drink to numb an unknown anxiety.

In a notification I saw today's date.

And I remembered, I remembered all of it..

In three days it's been a year.

A year since he took away my freedom.

Since he put his hands on my body.

Three days from now will be the mark of when something in me broke.

Something that can never be healed.

Sweat mixed with tears run down my face.

Just like that night.

His texts are shorter.

The replies are few.

Clinical.

I'm now waiting restlessly.

That's new..

The distance feels longer than ever.

No sign of him.

As the minutes pass by my heart sinks.

Is there someone else?

In the car somewhere between all the laughter and singing,
it happened.

Everything changed.

He went from being a face in the crowd to a one man show.

The spotlights are all on him.

From a known friend to a familiar stranger.

One who makes me so nervous I can't stand it.

I no longer see the same person, his appearance is different.

I can't pretend anymore.

It's still fun and games,
but this underlying tension..

The too long gazes, sweaty palms and shaky words.

Heart's beating out my chest by hearing his name.

Seeing him makes my legs weak.

Acting like nothing around him is a challenge.

Yet I long for the next time.

"Trust your gut they say".

I felt it coming but I chose to ignore it.

Yet here I am.

Left alone, shaken from what just happened.

Dumped.

Breathless, in shock.

Longing for his arms that I won't feel around me anymore.

His shirt, folded on my couch.

His scent is gone.

A sign of this story's end.

My heart is pounding.

Tears running down my cheeks.

With shaky legs I go outside, to look at the stars.

To ask them, why?

His eyes wander.
They don't meet mine.

Tension from a fight.

The air is drowning me.
My legs are too weak to run.

Is this the end of us? I thought.
Can we ever survive this?

Deep breath, trying to gain the strength to walk away.

Away from him, from us.

His hand reached for mine.
A sign of peace, the future, of us as one.

Our hands fit perfectly.

And finally our eyes met.
I saw a depth I haven't before.

I saw love.

Fresh spring air, whispers of freedom.

The purple sky fills me with hope, new life.

After months in despair I now feel at ease.

I forgive it all.

A choice to release myself from the painful chains.

I watch the key to sadness dissolve in my hands.

I hear the swallows returning home,
while I dream of something new.

Oh god how I wish it was you.

But my heart hurts, it's so tired.

Too stubborn to realize it's time to let it go.

To realize it was all lies and manipulation.

Too blind to accept that it was mind games.

The pain of the truth is too much.

So I still choose to live in a lie

I don't even see you anymore, I mean I do, but I don't.

I only have eyes for him now.

Your brown eyes have lost their power to me.

They no longer make my legs weak, they make them heavier.

I saw you last night, and I froze with fear.

But I have him, he is my safe place.

When he holds my hand while walking down the street I feel indestructable.

I glaze over my shoulder, and I see that you don't even fit in his shadow.

I feel your gaze burning.

And I can't stop smiling towards the sun.

Please set me free..

From my painful past.

From the dreams that'll never become reality.

From the hopes that he'll come back to me.

I no longer want to be a slave to a love that has ended.

Please, let me let go.

His silence is consuming me.

Am I supposed to read between the lines?

I don't understand what they say.

Should I stay?

Does he want me to leave?

Do I fight?

Or should I wave the flag and just go?

Do I jump over the mines?

Or should I surrender?

A love letter written for you by my hands filled with band-aids and dried blood from all the paper cuts

A year I never thought I'd survive has passed.

I leave behind heartache, anxiety, loneliness and bad energy.

It's all washed off.

Now I look forward to fulfilling dreams, self-love and laughter.

Last year was about surviving.

This year is about living.

Today I celebrate me.

One small sign was all it took.

I'm back where I started.

With false hopes that he still cares.

Maybe he hasn't let me go either?

Painting pictures in my head that I know he'll burn without hesitation.

Once again I'll be watching my dreams with him turn into ashes.

My grumpy face doesn't stop him from kicking my *** on Street Fighter.

My illogical arguments makes him laugh, he even use them against me.

He laughs at me like I'm an irrational child.

He rolls his eyes at my singing and dancing in the kitchen.

When I refuse to be quiet, he sighs and moans.

Yet,
he holds my hand through movies that scare me.

He tries to keep me warm though he's sweating.

He values my opinion even though he doesn't agree.

He holds me tight, even when he's mad at me.

He cries while laughing at me.

He gives me everyting, even when I don't deserve it.

He is my partner and best friend.

If this isn't love, I don't know what is

With your hand in mine I told you how afraid I was, that some day in the future I'll be alone thinking back to this perfect day. You looked into my eyes with love and told me not to worry because that would never happen. We were always gonna be a couple, remembering this day together. And then you kissed me.

It's almost been a year since that day, and my fear came true. Here I am remembering by myself.
That perfect day in the park..
The songs you showed me, the smoke from your cigarette, the sun on our faces, the lake view, the talk about our future together, laying in the grass, watching the green leaves on the tree above us, you taught me about the colour changes in the leaves depending on the reflection from the sun, your head in my lap, how I touched every bit of your face trying to memorize exactly how it felt.
It was one of the happiest days of my life, I felt at peace and everything was perfect. I tried to **** it all in, tried to remember everything because I knew soon it'll only be a memory.

A memory from a life that I wanted to live forever. But my fear came true.

Waves, like hands comforting the dry rocks.

My stone cold heart.

He promised me to always be my wave.

Everytime I'm about to dry out he's there.

Washing away all fear.

When I'm about to suffocate, he changes direction.

Allowing me to breathe.

Exposing me to the sun.

Like clockwork he's there again, soaking me.

Along with the spring sun the memories of my long lost love arises.

The memory fragments are getting pieced back together.

I see him in strangers on the street,
looking for him though I know he's not here..

I know it's stupid, the person I miss no longer exists.

The harsh reality turned my dreams into nightmares.

His lies and deceptions are now haunting me in my sleep.

There's no place left for him and I to be.

Waking up, memories fresh, aching heart.

Lips longing for the bottle, like so many nights before.

Anything to drown the hope of something that'll never be.

And the pain of a time that was..

A heart once filled with so much love..

Now grey, slowly turning into stone.

Love is fading, it's getting hard to feel.

A heart so tired it's shutting down.

With every beat it gets colder.

Another heart lost to the dark.

No more wasted love.

Lost in my mind once again.

The past comes back to haunt me.

To remind me, preventing me from forgetting.

I've felt enough pain.

Where's my peace? Still searching.

I need to breathe, I'm suffocating.

I hear the familiar screams inside.

The burning in my lungs.

Please let me be.

I need a place for my head.

Another way to feel alive.

The first spring sun.

A sign of a new beginning.

The earth, cleansed from last year.

New hopes and dreams that follows by seeing the ground clear.

The excitement of creating new memories hearing the birds once again.

Finding new songs I know I'll dance to all summer.

Imagining the smell of a fresh tan, from a day in the sun.

The feeling of being alive, cleansed from last year.