layer upon layer
I dug myself
a deeper
place to rest....
what's on the other side?
what's greener there?
can I make it through  
with
internal doubt
& rage which
push into me
spiraling
& dancing
into a red lit lounge
with your maggot brain
& passing rocks
between our tongues?
you saw my skin
& porcelain fate
all in my sentence
& then you smashed my
youth to smithereens
on the corner of your bed frame
while I learned
to fly into the night
on the
wings of moths ...
early November enveloping me
in gentle decay
& landing on your
doorway
hands clasped together
prayers & stutters
and cucumber *****
& leaving all sanity
at your front door
holding in my pocket
a shard of yesterday
just to get me through
to make me remember
that this is all
a temporary resting
place
& I can cut out of here
sooner than I let this
place slowly cut into me
& take away who I am
I am not you,
you are not me &
I'll never be what you want
& all these ways
that aren't my being
these faces, these stares
these costumes
I was meant for so much more
I was meant to be seen
in full
& not in small detail.
Take me out from under your lens,
maybe stop burning holes
into a person who just tried to love
another
I know how to plug up my own mishaps
I know how to
yes, I know how to..

You’re drowning yourself,
In fear and doubt,
But too scared to sink,
So you held out one arm,
Waiting for someone to reach it,
To pull you up,
And it hurts to feel,
No touch on your cold skin.

A tragedy indeed,
Ocean of tears,
With no boat around,
Only your feet,
To keep you afloat,
A death wish,
Partially committed.

Heaven rained on me,
I breathed in the petrichor,
Bathed in the downpour.

I am

Waiting

In earnest

To see what comes next



I am

Entrenched

Almost rigid

As the urge rises


I am

Uncertain

Desperately seeking

Yet, I see no end to where I am



I am

Luckily lucky

Forevermore grateful

Her body’s poetry keeps me grounded


I am

Yet,

Stronger

Slowly smiles

You think I could be the one


I am

Imperfectly perfect

Yet,

I am

bright and warm like the sun in the sky
In your eyes


I am

Joyful

Sunlight beaming

You beautifully brighten up my day



I am

Still

Quietly reflects

On our special moment

From time to time



I am

Refreshed

Eagerly awaits

To move forward once more you asked



I am

But,

Exactly

Who and where

I am supposed to be



I am

In her tight embrace,  in love

A bond that cannot chip away nor be described
In simple words



Darling

I am

Loved

I think
the world
needs
more
of us
than we
can offer

dwarfed and obscure,
sit neatly arranged for all to adore.
Parched from the aridity, neglected by the sun,
I the bonsai never truly begun.

Cast in the shadows, growing off to the side,
never fully *****, always wanting to hide.
I the bonsai have the capacity to grow,
a little warmth and attention is all I need you know.

My heart was buried with you that day
I was left numb
Holding the weight of the emptiness
That space were you were not
That space where joy had left

I walked around on autopilot
A faint outline of me
Just visible on the surface
With a burning, crippling pit inside

I was beyond the muddy puddle
I was face down
At the bottom of the murky river
Cold
Stuck
Surrounded by darkness
Slowly sinking into the mud
With the weight of my tears
Like a fallen tree holding me down
I was not trying to get up
Because I had no strength to
No will power
No heart  
If I never came back up
I would only see you sooner
And that
Was the only comfort I could see

And then
You spoke to me
Clear as day
And you used that serious voice
Only used for serious things
And you said
And I will never forget
You said
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. There are good things to come.”
And like a bolt of lightening
Shot into my chest
I pushed my head out of the water
With a breath of life
And you offered me back the empty jar that was my heart