The most superficial of all my troubles-
My backache does prosist.
Throughout all my other ****
That dull pain still exists.

Tucked in every lonley smile
And every insatiable crave
Is that pain, sciatic style
Despite how I behave;

Yet dealing with much more then a backache am I,
Addictions, Predictions, prescriptions, I lye:
Here in my bed in my room in my shame,
harbouring my bodys everworseing pain.

Dear bumps and bruises Doctor,
To you I never voiced the call-
You say your fee is very simple
But nothing is at all.
And im sitting here and wishing
In the years that are to be
When I'm faced with life's real troubles
They won't follow me.

Standing Tall, Standing Brave
is to ignore the chase
begin to hope, rethink the life
I once chose to embrace
though I've still got you-
All  age is on your face-
You've become the one reason
for my life, to retrace
Because you see- with your love
my sorrows replace,
your compassion is my fuel
in life's brutal race.
With Softly Spoken Wisdom &
Unrelenting Grace-
Dad you remind me alone
that I'm not in this place.

twenty seventeen
hostile, hurting and honest;
you begin to set.

I made a pitcure of jade and emma,
Tossed it on my wall,
Even took a couples pics
They loved it, that was all.
Neither understood its facts,
and till now, neither did I
Intended not as honorary, but as a battlecry.
That picture I conceived of them, includes me in it not- just my reflection in it's glaze, an abstraction in their thoughts.

And yes, even we formidibal three
Somehow all forgot
That even forever aint forever
Our lessons already taught.
And so the power of this image, is more then I will share-
It merley depicts my two best friends,
Admiting they don't care.

This type of art is devistating.
Astonishingly clever,
So clear its truths invisible
The subjects see it never.

I can cook
I can clean
I can do laundry...

I can draw
I can paint
I can write,

I can play the piano
The gutair
And the harmonica:

I can talk
I can listen
I can learn.

to turn into  the whole wide world, the one that I design,
the one with lights of glistening gold
and wonder undefined.
Is to ignore the very brutal truth, on one's own accord,
ignorant and powerful, a
mistake one can't afford.
So here I am, as usual, how deeply I deny,
that "everything isn't so bad"
I stumble in the lie.

..maybe one day i'll get to see, right through the guise of gold-
the one disguising my whole life
the one denial upholds

Goodbye tomorrow- stay away- I wish to be no more.
my heart contorted, my mind deflates as
my soul and spirit tore.

Here I am- still incomplete,
devastated by defeat,
pointlessly these words I wright
just to maintain, this written fight.
My writings before, which I now read,
seem to mock me with their speed...
Why, on earth, do I choose this?
There's clearly no synthetic bliss.
So couplets here leak out of me,
an idiotic tragedy
who now can I come to be?
when I keep myself from growing free.
With stupid serendipity,
I chant this foolish melody

as if everything was alright.

All the colours, electric green
Rose and violet shades sereine
Crimson clover and loyal blue
yellow ocher, burgundy too
Take up arms- a graceful stance
to "Yeah Yeah Yeahs" modern romance
Yet all the colours and shades that be,
Could never truly release me
But prop me up- so I realize
the prusuit of art is faithfully wise.
Every morning and every night
I choose my pallet, scared to fight
But still I start for love and duty:
Passion and anguish, courage AND  beauty.

Bubbles & Diamonds go hand in hand,
Slowly dirfting up to land.
Will you find them in the sand?

Like bubbles & diamonds we float & withstand,
All of life's unruly commands.

As Brother and Sister we may fight and demand,
but like bubbles & diamonds,
Complementary we stand.
With the same blood in our bones
  We'll do what we can
Like bubbles and diamonds
To grow hand in hand.

From infant to women
and child' to man.
The importance of family
We Understand.

When the soft rain and distant birds
Play in a May's afternoon,
Look out the window and listen close
For they'll be gone by June.

In the night to jump a fence
As people out of tune,
Run and wander through the course
Beneath the rainy moon.

We made it blue, the most loyal colour
Plunges into ocean
Surrenders up to skies
Blurs the constant motion
With longing it implys
The truest of emotion
The most loyal colour.

When I sleep dreams please take head
I’m not accustomed to this speed
spliced with music art and ****
this rhyme a warning and a plead:
Many men look back at me
their eyes memorize silently
I trade in who I used to be
degenerating empathy.
Friends no more are there as well
waving constantly farewell
who they are now I can’t tell
heavy water stains still dwell.
Though no longer what you were
your name a prayer spoken unsure
Instills the fact there is no cure
clear direction- violent blur;
I am a man and I’m a boy
both utensil and a toy
immoral morals, high decoy
let flirt with death, young cold and coy..
So please I beg you, dreams of pain
let sleep consume me, peace sustain
let night air fill my broken brain
through the wind myself retrain
        Let me wade in water deep,
    let my faith forwardly leap
worry sow and disdaine reap

Troubled Poppies for Endless Sleep.

After were gone
my heart will sit out
on the lawn
And my mind back in our den.
I'm blessed and charmed to be a Pon,
That much I comprehend.
Never wonder- always ill be, grateful till the end:

but an abnormal load of guilt, you see
I feel always & constantly

You wont say, but I still know,
that the ride of life I drive too slow.
Somehow, every loving act,
answered question, & proven fact
I took to quickly, wisdom lacked,
my psyche now barley intact.

for drugs are my defining trait...
never imagined as my fate...
I had it too good, I still have it so...
What the **** will I do when both of you go?
I can barley get by, the extent you don’t know,
of the Eric sacrificed, revert I don’t grow.

I may look like a man, but you know that I'm not
there is so much much more I need to be taught.

Lying in thick dark
the candle we made glows warm,
burns away my time.

A - the atrocity that my life has become
D - the damage, and still,  im not done
D - the denial, the doom in the vile,  dangerous, daunting; forever defile
I - the image I fake of myself, I- my constant &chronic; bad health.
C- the cost of a chemical wealth.
T for the tension, paranoia and fear. Yet it’s the letter that symbols it’s here.  
I - irrational, insensible, intense. I - irresistible iridescence .
O- for the option that I didn’t take, O for the others that still I forsake.
And N for nervous. Nauseous. Night. N, the neophyte, turned narcissist knight.

Transparent to everyone, how its hold is too true
So clear its invisible, Addiction did coo:  

“when you wake and feel my crave,
and all my charms  different behave;
resistance, strength, pain & choice,
may mute my spell,  quiet my voice.”
“embrace what little light is shed”  suggested addiction, faintly he said:

“For I can **** the best man dead,
with only shadows in their head.”

The simplest act might be someone’s cure-
I remembered when it was
a knowing look from a real friend,  
heals more then medicine does.

Although alone often we are
and it’s quite the sad affair-
back to that look I do retreat and
life is blessed to bare.

When I’ve gone a little hard
and sobriety’s days away
a real friend’s presence, brief or not
reminds me I’m okay.

So grateful am I, its appreciation like guilt-
I can’t deserve a love so true.
a feeling so many don’t even know
I’m overcome I actually do.

Thank You:
With all my heart, my friends,
the real ones may be few-
but to remind me that I’m loved;
well, I need no more than you.

You'll never know if they'll come back,
to mend your heavy heart,
to create all the things you lack,
to validate your art.
True friends one will always know,
regardless where they choose to go.

When your love is more then theirs,
you'll notice quite the bruise;
you'll be the only one who cares
and only one to loose.
Will you come back for me my friend?
Or will this truly be the end.

1, for the slumber that tumbles us round,
2, for the remedy, the musics bold sound.
3, for the tree that became your canoe
& 4 for the rain, it's ambiguous blue.

5, to escape, to a world we contrive,
6 for the tricks that I played to survive.
7, because heaven, is supposedly on earth,
& 8 for my mother, and her unknown worth.
9 for the failures, the faults & mistakes,
10 for the fears that keep us awake.

11, for my father, consoles me each night, whispers advice crystal clear, filled with insight- words on courage & kindness, love & delight.
12- when you wake but it's already night.
13 forever, with strength glory and might,
14 with wisdom, discretion, insight-
both numbers together sizing up every fight.

15, for my little sister, and all her turmoil,
15, for her spirit, the last one to spoil,
she and the world but water and oil,
15 for her soul, and like the mighty cobra it's coil,
deadly & graceful defends its home soil.

16 for the evil- the wicked & cruel, the endless hate they spin into fuel.
17, for reason, justice & art,
and all the other virtues life etched on my heart,
18, to redeem, to admit your mistake, to truly move on then perhaps to retake.
19 for that shame, always the same, so familiar it almost comforts my brain. 19, for the suffering, agony & betrayal.
19 true stories retold as mere tales- how they surpass logic and induce other's fails.

20. For my years. For the moment, for now. For to the past I salute, and to the future I bow; All with the hope that next year I'll know how

to do what everyone else can.

He was always too good to me,
I never understood
why he let me take all,
that I possibly could.
so in my sleep and when I wake,
my heavy heart still tends to ache.
For him and me and all I feel,
for worlds we contrived,
convinced they were real .
Now in sorrow and insight,
sickness and pain,
sleep or insomnia,
with guilt and with shame:
I admit to defeat and begin my descent,
both feet in the air and face on cement,
All the damage is done now- how I'm alone but I'm free-
how no one compares,
He was too good to me.

When its sharp it storms the mind,
swirls of smoke & hate combined-
slither insidiously they entwine,
damage done worse every time.
Clouds to crave- poison waves
seen through white glass & a delirious daze
to dull forever an old sun's rays
light which used to shine out always
now bends inward, refracting in ways
to disguise & confuse in an camouflaged haze.

more & more & more & more
of the curse that never ends,
be it smoke or crystal spore
or snake disguised as friend.
I feel it deep within my core
I desperately pretend
you'll be back to fuel me or
a hand someone will lend.

A gap within my minds brigade
is the price, solemnly payed
weak- the bold brain's barricade

a barricade assumed concrete,
proven otherwise as I repeat
irrational- my slow defeat

Compelled am I, a victim to
intrusive thoughts I can't subdue,
to cease them truly, I've no clue

But I've a hunch that if I end,
consumption, and myself defend,
longer no more I'll haft pretend

No one can function at this pace
I wish always my steps retrace
back to run a different race
to end in a much different place.