Like

a fallen leaf

a ripple in the ocean

a grain of sand blown by the wind

a snowflake among millions

I do not know where I'm going to end up

or what to expect

all I can do

is go where the wind blows me

the current flows me

and deal with whatever comes my way

on my own.

Stare into the gray.

Watch as I grow, billow, and loom over all.
Drown in the depths of me,
for I am an ocean pregnant with precipitation.
See the stark contrast between the green of the world
and the enormity of my existence.

Stare into the gray, for I am he.


Stare into the red.

See how I do not demand,
do not obscure, though I once reigned.
Follow the streamline of my form
splayed on the horizon,
for I am waning in my brilliance.
Feel the warmth I still exude
even as darker hues force me aside.

Stare into the red, for I am she.

One feels different after a fall from grace.
I say "fall", but I know
that I peered over the cliffside
knowing what I was to leave behind
and took the deadly plunge.

The haze of temptation cleared
I felt nothing
Knew everything
Wanted more
God, why have I abandoned You?
Why do I know so much
yet feel so little
when I know where You are?

I'm falling
I'm failing
I'm thirsty

"I thirst for you."

Even in the depths I hear You
Even in the darkness I see You
You who defeated Death for me
You who could not bear to be apart from me
You who are still on the cross
until the end of time.

"I thirst for you."

I thirst for You.
I've reached for filler after filler
Only leaving myself empty
Rendering new cracks in the already broken vessel that I am
Yet You who suffered wounds for me
still desire my heart.
Why do You want this broken sparrow?
Why do You want this sickly fawn?
Why is my love-
broken and imperfect
-the very thing You crave?

"I thirst for you."

Drink, then, from my tears
of repentance
of regret
for they are all I can offer
as I continue to fall.
Drink from this broken vessel
from whom graces seep out
for I have marred my soul
and have broken Your Heart.

Drink from my sin
and my shame
and repair what I have broken
Help me, for I am alone
and have no one but You
Even though I've abandoned You
You are all I crave
You are all I need
And I thirst for You.

When we were younger-
especially when we were particularly heinous-
you would tell us
that if it came down to it
you would choose our mother
over us
every
time.

Is it any wonder why
I can't
trust you?

What kind of a man says
he would leave his daughters in a heartbeat
if it meant supporting their spouse?
What man settles for one over the other
when both are his to protect?

None of us asked to be begotten.
None of us asked to be abandoned.
You were there
but you were there for her.
Now I look to other men
for the security I should have been able to find in your arms.

Those hands should have been used for more than discipline;
they should have been extended time after time,
mistake after mistake,
loaning us your strength
instead of administering it.

I'm too tired to argue.
I just need you to know
why I feel this ocean between us
even when we're closer than ever
to dry land.