Everything is my fault.
I know this.
I know it’s my fault I get overwhelmed
And make a bunch of mistakes.
It is my fault, right?
If I asked for help more,
Maybe I wouldn’t be overwhelmed,
So I could think more clearly.
It’s my fault that I didn’t ask for help.
It’s my fault that my Mom got mad
Because I tried to walk away.
I just really needed to walk away
Because reality is too hard.
So now I’ve accidentally disrespected my Mom
And it is my fault.
I won’t blame anyone else.
I think I secretly want to though.
I don’t want it to be my fault
But it is anyway.
My mistakes are my fault.
They say mistakes are human.
I am very human.
Or maybe
I make so many mistakes
That I am no longer human
Because surely
The average human is not
Such a disappointment as me.

I crave affirmation
I live off of praise
Why do I need this
Is it my curse?
Why do other’s opinions matter?

I crave affirmation
I live off of praise
Why do I need this?
Is it my fate?
“You just want attention!”
That’s what I’ve been told again and again…

Maybe they’re right.
Maybe they’re not.
Maybe I just can’t be alone with my thoughts.

I’m trying to write
About happy things
Because I no longer
Want to be sad.

The problem is,
The well runs dry
Whenever I run
Out of bad.

My pen doesn’t work,
It won’t write at all
Because the ink
Was made out of tears.

I have nothing to say
So maybe I’ll try
Again in a couple of years.

I scream
But silence
Shushes me.

My world crashes down
As yours still stays the same.

I like to make up stories.
Somewhere I wish I could be.
I always gave myself a new name.

1. Quinn
This one is quite obvious. It is my pen name. It sounds adventurous. I want to have adventures. Yet I still don’t.

2. Noah
Noah and the ark.

3. Peter
It sounds innocent. What I wish I was.

4. Liam
Idk, it’s just a good name.

5. Winter
This could be both genders. I think it suits a girl best. Or a boy. Whichever. Well, anyways, it sounds super cool! (Pun intended.)

6. Kaelynn
It sounds fun, and it rhymes with Quinn!

7.  Allesandria
It sounds exhilarating. I think it’s the Spanish version of Alexandria. I probably spelt it wrong.

I’m missing something
I never had
How sad
What a tragedy
It’s bad, but she
Never left me
I left her.

I never knew
How much it’d cost
To simply stay the same.

I never knew
How much it’d mean
If my savior ever came.

I never knew
.
.
.
I wish I did.

If I never ever met you
I’d still miss what I never had.
It’s like longing for the heavens
And the rest of outer space.

I’ll probably never meet you,
I don’t even know who you are.
But I know I want someone just like you,
Someone bright, like a star.

Or maybe I don’t care how bright you are,
I just want someone who respects
My wishes, my fears, my unrequited beliefs.
Someone who loves my smiles, and tears.

Now they are all wondering
If, this time, I will reform
Or return to stumbling
Through life as if it’s a chore.

I hope I’ll be different,
To be rose-tinted, lovely.
I’ll reclaim lost innocence,
Locked, a key fitting snugly.

This, for love with conditions,
All this, to just make them proud.
I’m the newest edition,
Won’t you believe in me now?

Nightfall falls
As curtains close
To end a show.
And then,
The curtains open up again
To start a new one.

The light dims
But it can’t dim me
You see, I will make it
I tell my own story
And I don’t fake it
And in this tale
There’s no giving up here
No yelling upon deaf ears
Nope, nope, no giving up
Fairy tales may exist
But happily ever afters
Are full of it
But I am writing my own story
And in here there’s no giving up
If I can’t get happily ever after
I’m not gonna give up
Before I get any ever after.

Fake friendship has lost its appeal
I only long for what is real.

Compliments I no longer crave
I have too many sins, too many mistakes.

Pity parties I don’t want to have
I might be anxious, but I’m not THAT sad.

All of my friends are crazy
Maybe, just maybe
It’s because I’m super
Crazy too

The sun
High in the sky
Like it’s standing on
A mountaintop
Balancing on the peak.

It’s lunchtime
All of our stomachs grumble.

We sit at the table.
Sandwiches!

1990’s
Normal was not weird
2019
Normal (typical) is gay, weird, and depressed.

Normal is only temporary
Normal can be weird
If weird is what is popular
Then that will become normal as well.

I miss
Everything
I can never have.
I miss
Everything
I never had.

It’s not always a competition
We’re all trying to survive
In the humidity of the jungle
We’re all just trying to thrive.

It’s not a competition
We’re just trying to get through,
Help each other out
When that’s all that we can do.

Who cares if you win or lose?
Pretty sure it’s only you
Because it’s NOT A COMPETITION
Don’t make it about what trophy is whose.

I collapsed, the ground gave way
The earth, it trembled and it quaked
I thought that I would tear asunder
Ripped by each blight, botch, and blunder.
Could I ever overcome?
Not alone, no, not alone.
The world screamed until I was numb—
Like them, I thought I was alone.
When hardship comes and runs its course
When I am bashed by every force
When I feel sullied and abhorred—
Christ says, “You are not alone”.

I was screaming.
It was like
Smashing my fists
Into a brick wall
Hoping it breaks.
I was screaming.
And you just kept driving
Like it was nothing
Like you did this
Every day.
I was screaming
And looking
At the speedometer
To see if you
Were speeding,
If you let this
Affect you at all.
You weren’t
And you didn’t.

I was screaming
And you didn’t hear a word.

Talking to you
Is like walking on thin ice
Covered in eggshells
And infested with mines.

You cannot do nothing.
You cannot be nothing.
We are all something,
And to someone in the world,
You are everything.
We believe that we are nothing,
But nothing can be nothing,
Unless it does not exist.
You cannot do nothing
Because even when you’re dead
You are laying there.
That is something.
One cannot be nothing.

We exist.

I’m not insane.
I just won’t jump off a cliff
The second you do.

If anyone,
The insane one
Is you.

I am not poetic,
I am not pretty.
You want to hide my chaos,
I refuse to be neat and sit still.

I know you want my fake,
But I care about my real,
I don’t want to hate,
I just want to feel.

You want me to be charming,
Instead I’m rather alarming,
If I’m such a disappointment,
Change your expectations.

A triangle block in a square hole.
I manage to fit but there’s still
Something missing.

The uncanny valley of personhood.
I blend in just enough to
Stand out.

I use it as a weapon and so do they.

Look up
It’s a beautiful life
A half-full cup
Only empty of strife.
Can’t you see?
Nothing to complain about here.
Sit down and BREATH
You don’t need to fear.

‘Cause it’s not as bad
As it seems to you
You could be glad
But all you are is blue
What happened to you?
The skies are bright
And it’s sunny outside
I don’t understand
Why you need to hide
Calm down
Why do you need to frown?

Walls up
You face away from all the pain
Just to see more of
It, so you run away again
Can’t you see?
No sign of rain about here.
Take a seat.
I promise you don’t need to fear.

‘Cause it’s not as bad
As it seems to you
You could be glad
But all you are is blue
What happened to you?
The skies are bright
And it’s sunny outside
I don’t understand
Why you need to hide
Calm down
Why do you need to frown?

It’s not that bad.
And it’s not that gray.
The pain that you feel
Will all go away.
It’s not that bad.
It’s not that bad.
It’s not that bad.

It seems that bad.

I wake up
Everyday
And I want to give up.
But I don’t
Because everyday
I tell myself I can’t.
I am not allowed
To give up.
Not yet.
I tell myself
“Don’t give up yet.”
I’ll keep telling myself that
Until the word “yet”
Transforms to “ever”.

I don’t wanna go home
But I can’t stay here.

I know it’s after hours
But I’ve stared in the mirror
For hours
And I can’t do it anymore.

I don’t wanna go home
But I can’t stay here.

The problems fade away
When you face away from them
For a little while.

I don’t wanna go home
But I can’t stay here.

When there is nowhere to go,
Nowhere to hide,
You will find
That your problems find you.

Numbness is
Being a statue
On a battlefield.

The mantis shrimp
Sees all that I never could.
My creator, ever frugal,
Gave me gifts
Of word and tongue
But only just this once,
Bits of light cowed by the sun.

I peer through the window,
Too short to see those
Violet peaks.

I brush past reality
Like the eyelash fluttering past
My cheek,
Never to really know.

I’ve been beginning to think
The entire world has OCD
Match this,
Control that,
They say
Why can’t you all be the same as me?

They just have to match the colors
Laid out on our skin
And scold all the others
Who dare be different from them.

The entire world has OCD
Obsessed with getting their way.
The entire world has OCD
Compulsive because
Apparently
Things absolutely shouldn’t change.

The entire world has OCD
Except for maybe me?

When I’m being rained on
And the sun finally reveals itself
You are the one wonderful wonder
Showing me the color I had forgotten.

You fill me with amazement
As you arch overhead.
Making me wish
Instead of Earth I could be sky.

Love, Earth

When your heart races,
Rushing out of a dream,
And words leave spaces
And lines in between,
Where your heart heals
To be shattered again,
Like oceans surreal
Once the reverie ends,
Frantically you strain
To let yourself sink,
With a mind soiled, stained,
And brimming with ink.

You give me life
Yet you **** me
A little every day.

I ask of you
What did I ever do to you?
Except nourish
And raise you
All for you to rule me.

Love, Earth

You envelope me
Surround me
Surreally surpassingly sizable.

Your blue majesty
Blankets me
Making my world a bit brighter.

Love, Earth

You seem not to me cold
But beautiful and pure
Your cool, distinct touch,
Taking residence everywhere.

Your grace is unimaginable
Landing softly on the ground
A ballet dancer
Maybe even pointe.

Love, Earth

sometimes your heart
stretches
its seams and you have to
pour it all out before it
bursts.

i can feel it now…
but i take the sharpened end
of my pencil tip and i pierce
a hole in my heart so that i do not
explode and then implode again like
a supernova, then a black hole,
crushing in on myself.

but i take that pencil tip and i
slip it through the hole until it is
all crimson dripping,
perfect! now i can write all of it
write it all out so that i never overfill
again.

oh no.

it does not erase.

I’ve been told
“No one expects you to be perfect.”
A lot.
So many times, in fact,
That it has lost it’s meaning.

Because, the thing is:
No one expects me to be perfect
But can you look me in the eye
And tell me
No one expects me
To at least be “okay”?

I think it is a good day
I feel okay, and that’s all
I feel, no sense of greatness
Nor self-hatred, no free-fall.

I look into the mirror
No fear, just looking as I
Realize that I have acne
But it’s me and I feel fine.

Right now, I am just okay
But one day, I will appear
From silk and I will be her
From those words, so far but near.

I live for you while you **** me.

Pretty lies
Poisoned candy
Try and deceive me
One more time.

Manipulation
Stuck in a maze,
Try and control me
One more time.

You want power,
I have what you want.
Try and use me,
One more time.

You will lose.
Every.
Single.
Time.

One step at a time
1...2...3...4
One task at a time
5...6...7...8
One day at a time
9...10...11
One second at a time
12...13...14...15
Maybe I won’t break down this time.

Like a quote that I cannot remember
Like a song stuck right in my head
A fire once, now it’s an ember
Ash pages of words that were said.

Like a waft that drifts out of the kitchen
Just a hint of the past, so sweet.
I have scars that I know were once stitches
But I only recall summer heat.

Like water, like sand, to hold in your hand
To cradle when it just slips away.
It was art, it was home, not written but shown,
Now crumbled, broken pieces of clay.

I miss it!
What was it?
I miss what I lost!
It was warm, it was cold, it was piercing and soft.
It was something, just something
I feel calling me back.

I’d go to it now if I hadn’t lost track.

My mask is on so much
It has become an appendage on my face.

Chained here
Watching someone build a palace
Of my broken pieces
And I’m screaming
Because they were mine
I’m being used
My tears for windows
My blood for paint
Every hammerstrike, I feel it
Every hole drilled in, I feel it
The holes in my pieces
Like your stare in my spine
I watch numbly
As you use up what was mine.

What do I wonder
What do I see
What do I stutter
What do I breath.

I though I knew so
But I did not
Ordinariness
Every day is the same.