I am sunshine
I am rain

I am heart
And I am brain

Contradictions are my essence
I can assure you
None of them make sense.

I am slowly deteriorating
And going insane
And c r u m b l i n g
My supports are bending
From the weight of my burden
My brain is rotting
From lack of use

I am stupid
And naive
To think this would be easy.

I am stupid
And naive
To believe it would be served
On a silver platter.

I am a complete and utter ignoramus.

I can’t seem to react
As others would
I can’t seem to feel
As others would
I’m not completely sure
I’m able to feel at all.

I can’t
I can’t
I can’t
But I will
Do I even have a choice?

I can’t even look you in the eye
It hurts too bad
I tear away
My eyes tearing up
Unless of course, I wear sunglasses.

Ideas and ideals
Are almost the same
We think what we want
And we want what we say.

We think what we thunk
Is genius and wise
But really it’s just
A whole ton of lies.

We saw what we said
Was all in our head
But we did not take it back
We saw it as fact.

I cry
These lies
I’m not fine
Can’t we just be kind?

I never knew how to act
I’m sad
I never knew I was this bad
That’s a lie
I just never tried
Making a wall
Within my own mind
Doing without thinking

I’m 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘯 everything I need
I’m spoiled and I should be 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺.
“𝘗𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘨𝘦, 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘨𝘦, 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘨𝘦”
It’s like a 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘵 or maybe a 𝘭𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦.
“𝘗𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘨𝘦, 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘨𝘦, 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘨𝘦”
It doesn’t matter if it’s just fog and conjecture.
I don’t deserve to be sad, I don’t.
I’ve never experienced hardship the way
My 𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 did, my 𝘧𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 did,
Or the people I read of online.
There is no cause for me to lash out,
There is no cause for me to run away
From my own 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 in my 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥.
And yet, they tell me I don’t deserve to be 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺 either.
“𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘪𝘥,” they whisper.
Did you know that whispers can be loud?
Did you know that quiet can hurt?

I can’t be 𝘴𝘢𝘥 and I can’t be 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺-

I can’t be 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘺 and I can’t be 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨-

What is there left for me to be?

What are you feeling?
Overwhelmed
Why is that?
I don’t know.

Of course you know!
There’s a reason for everything.
What’s that reason?
I still don’t know.

Come on think hard, you aren’t stupid,
What is that reason you’re hiding from me?
I. Don’t. Know.

Who is backwards?
Me or them?
Should I know?
Is it ok that I don’t?
I DON’T KNOW!

I am weak
I am strong
I am right
But I feel wrong.

Tell me to change
myself for you
But I feel wrong
And so do you?

Are you even aware
That you can’t “fix” me
When I don’t need to be fixed.
Sorry I’m such a problem.

If I could think
That would be great
But my brain just won’t comply.

If only I could create
Something useful
Too bad my brain is fried.

If I could pass my math test
That would be quite the miracle
But that’s another story
For another time
About how bad I am at math.

If I dare
To let go
I release
My control
And I can’t
Be here alone
With volatile
Sticks and stones.

If I dare
To be free
Then I’ll have
No more of me
Because shackles cold
And leashes gold
Are better than
The days of old.

If I had a little sister
I’d be the best I could be
I’d try and be a good example.
And I’d hold her
When she cries
And I’d help her
When she’s stressed
And frustrated by life.
And when a boy comes and breaks her heart
I’d be the first to tell her
He wasn’t worth it at all.
And when her friends start to leave
And drift away piece by piece
I’d look her in the eye and tell her she still has me.

If I had a little sister
She’d know I cared
Even when I teased her
She’d know I’d always be there

If I was the wind
I’d blow away
To a place so magical
I’d always want to stay.

If I was a fire
I’d warm you to your bones
I’d be light
You’d never be lost.

If I was the waves
I’d give
And take
And give
I’d find treasures
And lose them
So you could find them too.

If I was the Earth
I would nurture all that grew
Along my edges
Because the small things
Are important too.

If lies are burdens
I should be squashed
And flattened by now.

If only I didn’t care!
I could float through life unaware
I could spend my hours on practical things
Without wasting time, pursuing the truth.

If only I didn’t care!
I could ignore the annoyances, anger
Would be a far-off imagining.
The world would be gentler, muted
Peaceful, calm, and placid.

If only I didn’t care!
I could lose the bright contrasts and
Colors and flaws that make me
Who I am.
Ah, perfection always
Looks the same, no?

If only I didn’t care!
It would all be so easy.
It would all be so easy and
Dull.

If the world keeps getting worse
Happiness will go first
Moral compass will go second
The weak will be left to fend
For themselves.

If the world keeps getting better
Your own daughter can change the world, just let her
Wars would never start
There would be less shattered hearts
And more love.

If you are a pristine crystal surface
I am rough wood covered in shattered glass
Which doesn’t have a purpose,
Hurts people, and looks like trash.

If you could save me that’d be great
But it doesn’t seem that that’s my fate
Cuz my sadness won’t abate
And my longing will not sate.

I would say,
“Nothing. What about you?”
You would say nothing
Because you don’t know anything
Either.

I hate your easy smile
And your piercing, deep, eyes.
I hate the way you look at me
Like I am your whole world.

I hate your steadfastness
And your dependability
I hate your easy humor
And your unwavering loyalty.

I hate how you won’t leave me
How you always stand by my side.
I hate you because I love you,
And I can’t run away this time.

I am not okay.
I cannot truthfully say
I am doing well.
The actual truth is
Life is too much for me.
I cannot imagine that
I can do anything.
Everyone tells me
I will never amount to anything.
I will never believe that
I have worth.

the rain
hit the window
glad that
in the safety
of my home
the cold, wet drops
don’t reach me.

I just learned something today
Pain doesn’t go away as you age
The years go by and the sadness doesn’t leave
There’s still a missing part of you that you want to retrieve.

There are still scars healing all over your heart
That doesn’t change as you grow older.
There are still memories you want to erase
Ones you want to disappear without a trace.

But you learn how to cope
You sometimes seem to grow wiser
As you become weathered and worn
Your burden grows a wee little bit lighter.

Ill-mannered maiden
Lost in her world
Lost herself to Satan
No longer pure.

But that’s ok
You aren’t either
Unless you’re a baby
In that case,
That’s a smart baby!

So
I put up walls.
I guess we all do.
To block out the wind and rain.
But I put up a house,
Wrapped in chains
All boarded up and stuff.
This is my mind.
I live there.
In my mind/house
I love painting.
I paint wonderful masterpieces
But no one can see them
Because no one can get in.
I’m boarded up.
And I yell and yell
But no one hears me
Because I don’t really want them to
But I do.
I really do.
Illogical beyond measure, I know.
But logic is for robots.
This lady’s an artist.

Logic
Seems so illogical
When you try
And justify
Your emotion.

You cannot tie this one down.
No way, no how.
You clip my wings
I’ll fly anyway.
I really don’t care if I fall.
I’ll try anyway.
Dear lord, I’ll try.

If I could remember
Anything,
I would remember flying
Using golden wings,
My memories
Aren’t worth the while,
I spend my days
Imagining imaginary smiles.

Are you okay?
You always say:
I’m FINE!
Do you want me to believe you?
I try to help,
But you just push me away.
I don’t know
What you want
From me.
Just tell me.
I just want to help you.
I just want to soothe your pain.
All I want is for you
To be happy again.

Im fire
You’re water
And dirt
You try to stifle me
I suffocate

w h e r e i s m y o x y g e n

I’m dying
Where are you
I need you

i n e e d y o u

If life is a marathon
I’m losing the race
Because I am so lost
I’m a forgotten case.

Here’s a few things I think everyone should know:
1. Be yourself, because if you don’t then people will expect the new you, and when you don’t deliver they may act negatively. This leads to a vicious cycle of lies. Lie once, lie twice, and then suddenly you’re drowning in them.
2. You’ve got dreams, stick to them. There may be a few detours, but still keep your end goal in mind. Throw them out, and you throw away your hope. You need hope in this bleak world. In fact, your hope will make this bleak world brighter.
3. Do not be unkind. Do not make generalizations. Do not judge too much on others. All of what I just said is REALLY hard. In fact, I probably fail at all of them sometimes. But you gotta try, or your going to accidentally topple someone’s world.
4. Don’t preach like you know everything-oh wait, I’m doing that right now.

As the aliens
Watch us, they say,
“What a fickle nature,
To fall in and out of love,
Like it’s a doorway:
An impossibly liminal space.”

I struggle between the truth and peace
Balancing on this crystal beam—
So fragile, on the edge of breaking
As I try to make myself lighter
To keep it in place.

I keep it in place
And it keeps me in pieces.
I would shrivel to nothing
For this.
I would disappear—
Just say the word.

I’m sorry.
How many more times
Must I say it?

I’m sorry.
You never said that to me.

I know I’m the one in the wrong
But it hurts like white-hot tongs
And I cannot ever sing you this song
So I let go of the pain and move on.

I was in a mist
Things I never had I missed
Come near and I’ll hiss
Trust never was my thing.

But now your light shines through
So that I can approach you
But yet I stand still
A statue, a picture taken.

You start to walk towards me
I look like a deer in headlights
I can’t seem to move away
How you have incapacitated me, my dear.

This room is so crowded
I barely have space to breath.
People try and chat with me
Their sound resembling a buzzing bee-
I don’t know if it’s just me-
But I still feel incomprehensibly lonely.

I need to write an essay
But this is so much better
My words are very messy
Much more fit for poems
Not for assignments this semester!

𝐈
𝐍ever
𝐅igured that
𝐀
𝐓eensy tiny
𝐔ndeveloped
𝐀ttraction would
𝐓urn
𝐈nto
𝐎vert
𝐍ausea

I recognize
Your inner face
Your memory
Is not erased
Your disposition
Ever shifting
But your inner face
Will never change.

I have always thought in words.
An inner monologue
Always was busy with thought.
Today I was thinking
About differences.
We all have differences
We are different
We embrace these differences.
Or, at least most of us do.
Well, anyways,
I thought:
Aren’t we all human?
We are-at the core-
The same.
We are equal in our humanity.
In fact,
Sentient creatures of all kinds
Share a certain humanity-
A certain awareness-
That all living things hold.
So therefore,
Why do humans, who so intensely value their own humanity,
Why do they oppress
And afflict pain
Unto their fellow beings of humanity?
Of course
I am not an exemption
Of the **** sapiens habit
Of inconsideration.
I am imperfect as the rest of you are-
I just want to know what drives
A few select humans
To be so unkind.

As monotonous
As life can seem
Somehow I still get caught up in it.
Or maybe I find it so boring
That I tap out of reality
And into my imagination.
I am a very idealistic person,
I’m afraid I may get lost in my ideals.
Wouldn’t that make it hard
To accept someone for who they are
If they didn’t match my ideals?
But I don’t actually know what my ideals are.
I always thought I was open-minded.
Maybe I am wrong.
Well, I must be, one way or the other
Because one cannot believe both.
Or maybe they can.
Do shades of grey apply to life
As they do to color?

I have a fairly great life.
I am one of the group of fortunate people
Who get to go to school
Who have a kind family
And a roof above my head.
I should be thankful.
I am.
But I’m mostly sad.
I am always afraid of what may happen,
Which probably will inevitably happen
Because life does that sometimes.
I feel like because I am fortunate
I should be happy.
But it’s so dang hard for me to be happy.
I don’t understand it.
Sometimes I wish I was diagnosed with depression
Because then at least
I would have an excuse.
I would have an explanation.
But instead I am left with a sadness
That I can’t explain.
I don’t deserve to be this sad.
My life is awesome.
I don’t have a chemical imbalance in my brain.
I’m pretty sure I got a good amount of serotonin in me.
It’s just me.
But if it’s so easy,
Then why is it so hard?

Innocence
Never
Told me
How much
Pain there
Was in
The world.

𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘥𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯

We pity the disabled
Thinking we are so much better
All the while we labor
Trying not to see the horror
Of our own trying to grow
Trying to avoid the slaughter
Getting knocked down by all those
People pretending they are stronger.

We grow up blind thinking
The world is full of happy strangers
Where problems don’t exist
And we are saved from all the danger.
What we don’t know is that
Sometimes people **** for glory.
We didn’t know we’d combat
Our own villains in our story.

Take a selfie every day,
Try to hide emotions away,
Tell everyone about your “perfect life”
That’s actually full of pain and strife.