You walk past me
Catching my eye with your ice blue discs
Time at your control and you stop it
You look me in the eye and
You see right through me
Electrocuting my heart
Burning through me like a lightning bolt
All with a single
Blue-eyed glance.

I long to see me
As you do,
Entirely foreign and
Mundanely beautiful.
I wish to trace
The curves of my lettering,
Attempting to decode
A message I have already
Memorized.
I have already unraveled
All of my mysteries but you
Still startle at each creak
Of the floor, each squeak
Of the door.
Nevertheless,
That elsewise wonder
Is only reserved for
Strangers.

It was such
Fine stitching.
Beautiful scenes and
Vibrant colors and
Lovely textures and
Art.

Oh, art!

But then we just had to
Turn it around and see
Its tangled underbelly, its
Mistakes and messy messy messy
knots.
—YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT—
i’m sorry, please, i’m sorry.

Just-
just-
turn it over all we have to do is—
NO.

You are
Encrypted code.
You are
A locked door
Without a lock.
You are
A fossil under
Layers of stone.

I am too.

I just wish I wasn’t.

Do you wish that too?

I got 100 followers!
Whoo hoo!
Thank you so much
For reading the nuclear waste
Of my messed up brain!
Thank you for encouraging me to continue.
I definitely couldn’t have gotten this far without you guys!

I’m supposed to be writing an essay right now.
I’m not, as you can see.
You know, it’s funny how I’ve written 400 something poems already
But I can’t write an essay for the life of me.

“Hello, old friend.”
The lines in his face
are streams of white sand
Falling through the hourglass.
“It’s been a while.”
He says to me
But we both know
That he never left.
We walk together
On the worn path.
He holds my hand
Not in comfort,
But to drag me forward.
He’s a swift current.
He’s a companion,
Traveling by my side.
He’s an ocean,
The eternal and endless tide.

Evening falls
And I’m sitting here
In the dim light of the moon
Waiting for my life to move forward
To move on.
What a waste it is:
To just sit and gaze
At passer-bys
Passing me by.
I wish to move somewhere
To something
Be something.
Where
When
And how
Are not my concerns.

Even at night
The dark isn’t black
It’s speckled by stars
And the moon and our laughs.

Even at death
The pain doesn’t last forever
It subsides as a scar
Forever partially healed.

Even when you’re gone
I’ll wait for you
I’ll wait until you’re here
Leave you?
Never.

Everything small
Seems big
When you
Are shrunk down
Until everything
Is gargantuan and hulking.

Peace is overrated
My mind cannot be sated
Writing’s like puking rainbows
I don’t even know what I’m writing about now.
Maybe I’m just getting words to rhyme now
Guess it seems I’m sinking down low
But there’s so much I need to say so
Rhyming’s getting a bit harder.

I can’t let it get too long yet
Because then people
Won’t care to read it.
But I need you people to read this,
Because I’m screaming
My ******* up ****-I mean crap.

If I knew how to write a song I
Would be writing
Until I almost died.
But I guess it would be better
To just be poetic
And not worry how it sounds.

It probably took you quite a while
For you to read this
I am still unsure what I’m writing
I think I need a hint.

You’re right—
I’m just making excuses.
Why am I so 𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘥
All of the time?

“You get more sleep
Than 99 percent
Of your friends,”
You said.

So doesn’t that mean
I am supposed to be
Happy?

“Be happy,”
I say to myself
In my head.

I am supposed to be
Fine.

But I am not,
And all I have left
Is excuses.

And yet,
Why do I look for more?

I want somebody
To tell me
That you are not right.

But I know you are.

Isn’t exercise supposed to make you feel better about yourself?
I must be doing something wrong, then.

Isn’t it exhausting
To always be afraid?
No wonder I am always tired.

Who do you exist for?
Your family, friend or lover?
But I exist for no one.
Yet.
I wish to meet the person
That could change my mind.

Who knew
One word
Could be so heavy?

Face the world
With your head up high.
That’s who I used to be.
That girl was fun
That girl was kind
That girl used to be me.

I faced the world
With my head held high
Until I saw things
I didn’t want to see.
That little girl
Is long gone now
But I miss her
Because she used to be free.

Falling
            Falling
                        Falling
Falling into space
Not a trace
Of fear on this dazed face
Falling
           Falling
                       Falling
Not even do I feel
The ground, must not be real
But it is, I hear my screams peal
Off the walls of this dark tunnel.

I am not a hopeless romantic
But I also kind of am
I have never fallen in love
But I want to
I can imagine it.
But yet,
I still can’t fall in love.
Just for once
I want someone to look at me
Like I am their whole world.
I want to be able
To look at someone like that.
I just want my heart
To be broken just once
Because it means it once loved.
I haven’t had a “crush” for three years.
I miss the thrill of it.

Why am I always afraid?

I worry people will begin to see me one day.
Yet at the same time, I want people to see me.
I want them to acknowledge my existence.
But I fear they will know why I exist.
How I exist.
I fear I will be condemned to a hell of confusion.
But I am not confused.
They will be when they see me.
They don’t understand me.

Nothing good happens to those who aren’t understood.

Some things cannot be memorized
Thought out.

Sometimes logic
Cannot solve.

Sometimes one must feel
And it may be hard
That’s ok
Because you can’t always get by
Being booksmart.

We are all fighting battles
We are all fighting wars
With our own consciousness
And the ones we adore.

I’m not talking about military
Not government
But on hardships abound
Our energy is still spent.

Our trials sometimes don’t show
We don’t want others to know
But we’re all soldiers
In the war with Ourselves.

Your voices sing their song
This moment feels so right it’s wrong
Or maybe just surprising
I can feel it rising
That emotion:

Feeling that I belong.

Rise
I ask
I plead
You to rise.
Please
Don’t stay
There on the ground.
You
Deserve happiness
But you won’t
Accept it.
Rise
Love
Give.

f l o a t

When I’m gone
******* a balloon
Fill it up with helium.
When I leave,
String purple yarn into the balloon
Walk outside
Wipe your tears
And let your fears
Float away.

Flowers in a field
They reach and grab for the sun
Daisies and daffodils
Roses and carnations
Poppies and sunflowers
Reach for the stars
Reach for the sun.

I feel like
At best
I am a roller coaster.
I fluctuate
Like the relationship status
Of my Aunt Meredith.
Just kidding.
I don’t have an aunt named Meredith.
But the thing is,
I’m happy,
Then I’m sad,
Then confused,
Because I don’t know
Why I am sad.
I’m excited
And disappointed
And skeptical.
I am altruistic
And egotistical.
Fluctuations:
The story of my life.

“Don’t ever forget where you came from,”
She said to me.
She said,
“Don’t ever forget the twigs of your nest.”
At that point,
I didn’t understand.
Couldn’t I fly further
If I didn’t carry the weight of memories?
Then I realized
That I may not fly as far,
But if I never forgot her-if I never forgot those pieces of me-
I would never be lost.

On the windowsill, all flailing
Legs and desperation—
At times, it attempts to fly
Away, but soon enough it gives
That up as if to say,
“I can’t.”

The movements get smaller and
Slower, but occasionally there are bouts
Of hysteria
(𝙒𝙃𝙔 𝙈𝙀)
Until eventually nothing is left but a
Feeble twitch and really the question
That you should be asking is:
“Is it still alive?”

It is still alive.

It is still alive but it is tired.

Slowly…
Slowly…
Slowly…

I like making up stories.
They let me be someone else for a while.
I don’t write them down.
They are too day-to-day.
There isn’t a conflict.
I don’t want conflict.
I just want to be peaceful for a while.

Nothing lasts forever.
Don’t tell me
That we won’t fall apart.
Everything
Falls apart.
Everything
That is made
Falls apart.
So don’t
Tell me
That we are forever.
We are not
Forever.

Forever lost.
We are not
Rescuable.
I believe we are
Doomed eternal.
I can’t let myself admit we are
Salvageable.
It is apparent we are
Sentenced to death.
We cannot be
Hopeful for life.
Forever and always
Convicted and cursed.
We are not
Emboldened and sanguine.

I make these poems
Because I need
Someone to just
Hear me out
For once.

Even if
That person
Is a stranger
I am just glad
Someone is listening
To me for once.

Why can’t I cry?

Barbed wire disguised as a sanctuary.
Decay in the comfort of a garden full of foxglove.
How long have I been sitting here?
Nightshade sure looks pretty
When it’s far away.

Love shatters like ice.
To be more specific
It shatters people.

Love is strong
People are not
Specifically me.

The silence breaks
And out of its shards
Rises sound.

Freedom
Is more than being able to be
But to be able to express
Freedom of thought
It’s what our founding fathers sought
The freedom to speak
And say what is needed
Without getting persecuted.

What a world it is
When children in grade school
Don’t have freedom.

Beauty seems to darken
In the shadows of this
Worsening existence.
Sounds jump at me
Sabotaging my happiness.
Fear is my only enemy.
.
.
.
Fear is my only friend.

delicate as snowfall brushing your cheek
and wind flowing through on an open-topped peak
but when you go home, when you go home
the warmth washes it all away.

when it captures you, raptures and
seizes your soul, you feel it take hold and
suddenly
you cannot recall
what once was cold and no longer is
but still, a silent strange feeling
lingers
until you are left with your tremors, your
trembling—
the imprint, the mark of a melody.

Everything is fun and games
Until someone gets hurt.

It’s such a shame
That some people
Get their fun and games
From people getting hurt.

Pain
Is not
A game.

The future
Looks back on me
As if
Daring me
To catch up.

Truly
Do you understand
It’s crazy how you withstand
All of that pain
And yet you’re still there
For me.

Your quiet strength
Supersedes
Loud and showy bravado
Thank you
For you are a gentle warrior.

Can I tell you a secret?

Sometimes my jaw hurts from
Smiling
So much.

The room is filled with voices, the din
Of a kitchen in the back of an echo chamber
And none of them know the way I ache
Because all I do is
Smile.

They don’t know—
They don’t know that I go home
Exhausted
From this constant, grand performance.

They do not know I am a liar.

I touch the fingers of the girl in the
Glass as I wash off the makeup and
Study the acne scars underneath.

I used to be hues of yellow,
Green, blue, purple, and red.
With the sky as my soul
Feeling vibrant and bold
Like the stories I spun in my head.

A girl made of stars
Is bound to burn out
If her light can no longer be fed.
Learned the rules, learned the game,
Then I scrapped my old ways,
Sinking in water that I used to tread.

Your face was a charcoal portrait,
So I touched it to just see you smile.
But I smudged you all up and I’m covered in gray,
And the light, it retreats when I’m in the sun’s rays,
And I feel like the night everyone wishes was day—

But I take a deep breath.

And I find that old spark.

Just to realize that it never even went away.

Give
Give
Give away
Give until
You cannot pay
For all you’ve lost
Is just too much
You’ve given all
You got
Don’t give your crux.