Today, I cried at a funeral.

But it wasn’t sadness that did it—
Sadness lounged on the horizon
Too distant to touch.

No, it was the
White-hot, scalding of the spotlight
The eyes, the many eyes, the
Hands pressed to mine, stamping in a
“Sorry for your loss.”
A tattoo, or a brand.

And then I felt it, familiar friend:
The tightness rising like bile, wrapping
Its serpentine fingers around my windpipe,
Around my vocal cords,
Squeezing, squeezing, until nothing but a
Whisper
Remained in my chest, my throat,
My lips, my teeth.

Sadness floated in my periphery, like the
Sun, too bright for me to gaze but the
Tightness lingers close enough to murmur
In my ear,
“You should be.”

“Don’t be a victim”
“Be positive.”
Well I’m sorry
That I’m honest.
“Such a Debbie-downer.”
Well, if you should know,
I’m not negative
I just see things more clearly
Than you.

Dear God,
If you love us
And want us to be happy
Why do you make us
Feel so much pain
When we are in love?

Living in a fantasy
Isn’t gonna change reality
This calamity
Can’t you see?
We’re breaking down
All this sound
Is slurring
These lines
Are blurring
Confusion rules the world
Leading to angry fists curled.

When she tells you
That the universe is fair.
And that all people
Do really care.
If she believes
That things are fine
And that the world
Is nice and honest
And that people never lie.

Do you tell her
That she’s wrong?
How can you lie straight to her face
And say she’s right where she belongs?
Or do you tell her
That she’s right
And things will change and get better
As long as we fight?
What do you tell her?

Who’s gonna tell her?

Just LISTEN
Let me SPEAK
I’m breaking down and
I just want to SCREAM
Just so you would HEAR me
For once!

But instead I c r y.

Anybody else
Would be okay
But here I am
Broken and frayed.

The shine within the sun
The clouds drift over
Stuck beneath shadow
Suddenly cold.

The dark side of the moon
The black hole vacuuming the vacuum
Of space drifting around
Suddenly gone.

The forbidden path
So lost within the thorns
Help me ‘cause it hurts
Roses die where my feet touch.

I’m not sure
If I’m my own problem
All this time
Blaming others.

Is it my own fault?
Am I why I’m like this?

I’m a storm
I’m an ocean
Get too close
You might get ****** in
Try and sail
A ship on these seas
Tossed and turned
You’ll get bruised
You might bleed
You can’t say
I didn’t warn you
I told you over and over
“This heart doesn’t fit two”

People all around me
Nobody
Looking me in the eye
When I try
To talk I stutter
No one I know
Is here
I don’t know
Anyone anyway
Always alone
Even when I’m in
A room full of people
I could be surrounded
But I’d still be stifled
By loneliness

I’m trying so hard
But nothing is working
I’m doing my best
So why am I hurting
I thought I was better
Things starting to look up
But things aren’t going
The way that I want it
I know that it never
Was really a promise
But I thought I was lucky
Why don’t I feel like it
Sometimes I am drowning
In all of my stress
And sometimes I just wish
That it would all end
You keep saying I’m okay
“Don’t you give up.”
But I tried that already
So please just shut up
And I sound so annoying
And whiny and loud
I’m sorry that I can’t
Just go with the crowd
I’m not trying to stand out
Just trying to forget
About all the times I messed up
But I haven’t done it yet
And I’m sorry
I’m so sorry
That you gotta deal
With all of my spewing
But I gotta heal
And sometimes the screaming
And the “letting it all out”
Works for me well
But I’m sorry I don’t make sense
But that’s not what this is about
Too bad this is so long
Just me rambling on
And I think that I’ll go now
Don’t got more to say
So goodbye for tonight
Goodbye for today.

Like a bluebird from a cage
Hope will deliver us
From bad days.

If I had a little sister
I’d be the best I could be
I’d try and be a good example.
And I’d hold her
When she cries
And I’d help her
When she’s stressed
And frustrated by life.
And when a boy comes and breaks her heart
I’d be the first to tell her
He wasn’t worth it at all.
And when her friends start to leave
And drift away piece by piece
I’d look her in the eye and tell her she still has me.

If I had a little sister
She’d know I cared
Even when I teased her
She’d know I’d always be there

Darkness is scariest
When it’s comfortable
When it cradles you
And you cling to it
Like a blanket.
Darkness is most frightful
When you want it
When it is your cover
Your only place to be real.

Extroverted introvert: ignorant to social graces.

You are something I cannot control
So is that
And that
And that
And literally anything else.

How am I supposed to control those when I can’t even control my own life?

Optimism
Or willful ignorance?

My sadness makes your day not that great?
I’m sorry.
Not really.
I don’t think I should.
Or maybe I should?
Am I selfish?
You tell me I am.
Are you right?

What’s the worst thing
Worse than losing hope?
Not having it
For so long
That you don’t know how
To hope
Anymore.

Why can’t I cry?

Sometimes
I am so quiet
I’m afraid I disappeared.

The present
Is a gift given
By the past
Passed on
To the future.

I just learned something today
Pain doesn’t go away as you age
The years go by and the sadness doesn’t leave
There’s still a missing part of you that you want to retrieve.

There are still scars healing all over your heart
That doesn’t change as you grow older.
There are still memories you want to erase
Ones you want to disappear without a trace.

But you learn how to cope
You sometimes seem to grow wiser
As you become weathered and worn
Your burden grows a wee little bit lighter.

Why are people so
Cruel
Mean
Horrible?

Why do people
Drink themselves
Into oblivion?

Why do people
Let their worst sides show
When their family needs them most?

Why are people any worse
Than animals behave?

Why can’t I answer these questions?

I’m a waterfall,
A stream of words,
Unreliably flooding
Just to dry up at the first sign of drought.

Who do you exist for?
Your family, friend or lover?
But I exist for no one.
Yet.
I wish to meet the person
That could change my mind.

I am not a hopeless romantic
But I also kind of am
I have never fallen in love
But I want to
I can imagine it.
But yet,
I still can’t fall in love.
Just for once
I want someone to look at me
Like I am their whole world.
I want to be able
To look at someone like that.
I just want my heart
To be broken just once
Because it means it once loved.
I haven’t had a “crush” for three years.
I miss the thrill of it.

Why am I always afraid?

If I am fire
You are dirt
Suffocating and snuffing
Me out

You wonder this.
Well, you are honest and real
And you intensely feel
About your beliefs like I do.

Your not afraid to be weird
And when you failed, you persevered.
Your strong, but you won’t admit it.
Your humble and modest
And you need me.
Also, you love my crazy.

I love yours too.

You’re polished
Squeaky clean marble.
You look at me and see
A young stone too rough.
I am not experienced.
You pretend you are
But you’re actually a rock
That just got thrown in a river.

Surrounded by people
Yet still alone
The lone wolf traveler
Isolation-prone.

Socialism isn’t her thing
But she pretends it is
Masked she is
But she is not a hero.

Nevertheless
She wants to be heard
But she whispers
Hoping that he will hear.

Hello, guys.
I got a question for you:
What do I sound like?
To you, of course.
I mean, you’ve never heard me.
But when I read ANYTHING
I read it in a voice
Because I am picturing their voice.
I want to know what I sound like.
To you.
I want to know if you’re correct.
I want to know if you hear me.

I cry for no reason,
You see me as weak.
But you haven’t seen me smile yet,
I think you would change your mind.

I think my salty tears
I think they really scare you.
Because you run away at the sight
Of emotion bubbling up.

You look at me like I’m insane
I probably am.
But at least I’m not a coward,
Unlike someone here.

We’re all in a snowstorm
We can’t see each other
Lost in the white.
Adrift and afraid,
Unsure what to do.
We live in a blizzard,
Paralyzed by fright sometimes.
We can’t see those with us
When the storm rages strong.
As the wind rises,
Our fear rises too.
But call my name,
And I’ll call back.
Hear me
Hear them
Be afraid
No longer.

I am weak
I am strong
I am right
But I feel wrong.

Tell me to change
myself for you
But I feel wrong
And so do you?

Are you even aware
That you can’t “fix” me
When I don’t need to be fixed.
Sorry I’m such a problem.

I looked up what contradiction means
It means a combination of statements, ideas, or features of a situation that are opposed to one another.
We are contradiction, my friend.
You oppose me,
Yet we are still combined.

Stuck in the past
On a line that I cast
Afraid to be lost
Afraid of the cost.

I tried to give up
And it seemed like I was being stubborn
I can’t even give up right!

What younger me would say to me:
“I wanna see the sea!”
“Do you have a dog?”
“You should get a dog.”
I have four, by the way.
“Have you ever ridden a horse?”
I have. Still obsessed, of course.
“Is middle school like, super hard?”
No, but work hard, and you’ll earn a reward!
“Do you mean I’ll get candy or something?”
No, but you’ll get lots of satisfaction.
“What’s satisfaction.”
Oh you’ll see when you’re older.
“Teenagers ****.”
I won’t deny it!

It’s not always a competition
We’re all trying to survive
In the humidity of the jungle
We’re all just trying to thrive.

It’s not a competition
We’re just trying to get through,
Help each other out
When that’s all that we can do.

Who cares if you win or lose?
Pretty sure it’s only you
Because it’s NOT A COMPETITION
Don’t make it about what trophy is whose.

The silence breaks
And out of its shards
Rises sound.

I remember you
You’re not you
Anymore.

No
You’re you
Just another version
Less innocent.

Me too.

I’m a tornado in a bottle,
And you see that clear.
Yet you still shake me,
Inducing my terrible fear
That I might break out of my bottle,
Shattered glass at your feet,
Distrust in your eyes.

Is anyone right?
Is anyone wrong?
Is this all just perspective?

Is it the same thing
In a different light?
Is it a different thing
In a different sight?

If I see something
Will you see it the same?
Our eyes are different
Past the color
They see differently.

Who is wiser?
The one who sees the strengths
Or scans for weaknesses?