I spill over my skin
An over-emotional mess
I am a puddle
You are a stone
I feel so much
That I overload and forget how to feel
But you are a stone
I don’t know if you’re sad
You wouldn’t tell me if you could.

Ink runs down the paper
Like my words are crying too.
I write these for a person.
Someone, I don’t know who.

Thought is so unnecessary,
And yet these thoughts run rampant here,
They rage inside my untrained mind,
My calls no one can hear.

In a room all by myself,
Screeches fill the air,
But only I can hear them.
All you hear is
Stone
Cold
Silence.

The futures brighter than the past,
The past is black and white.
The future’s technicolor
And the past is dull.
But this isn’t a TV screen,
We can’t just pause the movie at the scary parts.

Fly away my hummingbird
That I might hear
You chirp another day
That your colors bright I may see again.

Come back for the spring
With the blue buds blooming
After hard cold winter
Will I see you again?

Nevertheless, if you leave
And do not return
I wish you well
Stay free, my hummingbird.

Sadness
Is often seen
In blue colors.
Tears
Are blue
They are made of water
And salt
They taste like the sea.
The sea
Comes in waves
And so does
Pain.

Right now a baby is born.
Right now someone is dying.
Right now someone is wishing they were dead.
Right now someone is laughing.
Right now somebody’s crying.
Right now someone is in love.
Right now someone is falling out of love.
Right now someone is raising a kid.
Right now someone is drinking away their feelings.
Right now someone is scared.
Right now someone is screaming.
Right now someone just died.
Right now someone just created life.
Right now you are living.
Live
Love
Cry.
Right now you are alive.

Thank you Larry Marshall
For listening to my complaints
For putting up with my whining
And supporting it anyways.

Thank you Katja
For writing from your heart
I see you
I hear you
And it sounds awesome.

Does the Winter wash away
The pains I carry every day?
Does the snow cure and purify
Each scar I try to hide?
Does the rain bathe me in hope
That I will no longer be tied by the rope
Of anger and frustration holding me down
Following me everywhere I go, all around?

We pity the disabled
Thinking we are so much better
All the while we labor
Trying not to see the horror
Of our own trying to grow
Trying to avoid the slaughter
Getting knocked down by all those
People pretending they are stronger.

We grow up blind thinking
The world is full of happy strangers
Where problems don’t exist
And we are saved from all the danger.
What we don’t know is that
Sometimes people **** for glory.
We didn’t know we’d combat
Our own villains in our story.

I scream
But silence
Shushes me.

My world crashes down
As yours still stays the same.

Running
Don’t look back
You can’t look back.
Rain
Runs down your cheeks
In rivulets
They mix
With your tears
Because you’re running away again.
You’re always running.
You hear the voices behind you.
You ignore them.
You can’t go back.
You can never go back.

If I could remember
Anything,
I would remember flying
Using golden wings,
My memories
Aren’t worth the while,
I spend my days
Imagining imaginary smiles.

If life is a marathon
I’m losing the race
Because I am so lost
I’m a forgotten case.

I’ve got so much to learn,
I have so much I yearn
For
But I can’t have everything
I’m better off with nothing
Than everything.

If I could wish upon a star
I would go back in time
And take back
All of the things
That mar
What was once a pure white surface
Of a soul.

Well, I just took an online-test
That told me I was mildly depressed
It also said I’m moderately
Passive-aggressive too.

A couple good things
It said to me,
I’m not a psychopath!
I have high self esteem
And I’m not a narcissist!

No one who knows me
Would ever think
I’m mildly depressed.

Except for you guys
As you have seen
Beneath this phony zest.

Riding the wave
Is all fun and games
Until the wave knocks you down
And under the water you drown.

Perfectionism is begot from high expectations.

The world revolves around the sun.
Not me, or you, or anyone.
You’ve got me wrapped around your thumb.
You seem queenly to the human eye
But it beats me how you seem to defy
All rules, all laws, no matter how they try
To rope you down, you get away every time.
You run and run, up and down the *****,
Why do you run? What do you hope?
Are you running away from a confidant?
Is there something better that you want?
The world revolves around the sun,
But our worlds are anchored by loved ones.

So I had a WellCheck today
I had a paper I had to fill out
One of the questions was
“How do you feel most of the time?”
The choices were:
Sad, angry, happy, and worried
I circled happy
The real answer was worried

Every single word I say
Hurts a person’s feelings
Every single breath I take
Is controlled by inner demons.

Every single friend I have
Has never seen behind my mask
And my poor family
Has to deal with the real me.

It’s a shame I cannot be
An actual human being
For I am a horrid monster instead
With bad luck trailing where she treads.

I was having a good day
Then you reminded me
Of how imperfect I am
It’s like a roller coaster
You anticipate the fun
The higher you go
Feeling good
And then it stops
And you look down
And you’re scared
Because it’s a long fall
And your teetering on the edge
And when you plummet
Towards the ground
And your scream
Escapes your lips
Everyone thinks your having fun
But you’re really scared to death.
You feel good
Until you’re reminded
That you’re fifty feet in the air
And the cement is hard
And unforgiving.

The snow lands on your long eyelashes
Strike a few matches
The blinding white
Mingles with the white light
Not quite
In this world.

By the fire we chat quietly
For me a mug of hot cocoa
And for you some warm tea
This is the best thing that has ever happened to me
Not just chatting, but you
And the warmth of the fire
Mix wonderfully.

This Winter Rhapsody
Is a fantastic fantasy
Snap back to reality
I’m all by myself.

This dog is warm
Pleasedon’tmovePleasedon’tmovePleasedon’tmove
Gosh dang it he woke up!

I live for you while you **** me.

It is too dark
Unnaturally dark
The night eating away
The light.

Oh the light
What a magnificent sight
Yellow and white
Shining bright.

Oh the dark
In such stark
Contrast for the night marks
A time where things meet
In the cover of black
Hiding away, discreet.

The dark hushes
Dims light
So they only glow
Their white light
Turning yellow
Muted
By too dark darkness.

I worry people will begin to see me one day.
Yet at the same time, I want people to see me.
I want them to acknowledge my existence.
But I fear they will know why I exist.
How I exist.
I fear I will be condemned to a hell of confusion.
But I am not confused.
They will be when they see me.
They don’t understand me.

Nothing good happens to those who aren’t understood.

You are not lost
Until you believe all is lost.

You say you don’t expect perfect,
But I think you’re lying.
Because
You expect a child
That makes minimal to no mistakes.
Isn’t that what perfect is?
You expect a child that gives you no troubles.
That is
I guess
The “perfect” child.
Alas, I cannot be perfect.
I am a very troublesome child.
I wish I could mistake-less.
But apparently that’s not how that works.

I am a building
A weak building
With terrible structure.
I cannot handle pressure
I will collapse.

Problems cannot be cured
If the blind is those who assure.

If ignorance prevails
Humanity will undoubtedly fail.

But who will save us now
When nobody on Earth knows how?

How will we save humanity
When nobody can see?

Who will teach the youth how to live
When you don’t even know how to thrive?

I’m not a kid
Not an adult
I’m something else, something more
Not an adult
Not that mature
But some of my innocence left

Up to 60% of the human body is water.
I must have much more than that,
Because it keeps on leaking
Out of my eyes.

Being real is scary
Because I am scary
And it’s scary to scare someone else
With just real me
Because truth strikes fear
Into the ignorant
And I am still ignorant
Of many things.

If
You are dear to the heart of a poet
Get ready for intense affection
But he/she may or may not show it.

If
You are hated by the heart of a poet
Get ready for intense anger
For he/she will definitely show it.

For us poets
Feel things so much
Such as anger
Or a lovers touch.

Everything small
Seems big
When you
Are shrunk down
Until everything
Is gargantuan and hulking.

I collapse
Relapse
Back to
What I was before.

It hurts to the core
Don’t think I can take anymore
My heart is sore
Because of what, I’m not sure.

But something is missing
Me and sadness are reminiscing
But without pleasure
Stumbled upon it
Like a bitter angry treasure.

Maybe what’s missing is me.

Please don’t be offended
I know there are parents here
But I just don’t understand you
I don’t understand your fear.

Why do parents want you to focus
And then talk to you too
Like I’m supposed to focus
On my homework AND you.

I just want to know
If you guys think punishment will fix
My severe anxiety
And my poor time-management.

I just want to know
Why you guys just tell kids they’re wrong
Without giving us specifics
Well I guess you do
And I’m just unfixable.

You cannot tie this one down.
No way, no how.
You clip my wings
I’ll fly anyway.
I really don’t care if I fall.
I’ll try anyway.
Dear lord, I’ll try.

I’m bored so I’m writing a poem
But I’m not in my writing zone
So there’s no hidden meaning
No ranting or screaming
All I’m doing is writing a poem.

If you were just a soul
How would you manifest?
For all those familiar with Greek mythology
You may know what Chaos is.
Chaos is what-in Greek mythology-
The universe was
Before it was created.
I picture this blackness
But blackness full of purple
And blue
And red dust.
All of this is just swirling in this black hole
Of nonexistence.
Order?
None of it.
Safety?
Lol you’re funny.
Well,
Anyways,
I think my naked soul
Would manifest as Chaos.
I am Chaos.
Order?
Never heard of it.
Safety?
I’m more like “WARNING: MAY EXPLODE AT ANY TIME!!!”
Chaos
That’s what I am.
What are you?

1990’s
Normal was not weird
2019
Normal (typical) is gay, weird, and depressed.

Normal is only temporary
Normal can be weird
If weird is what is popular
Then that will become normal as well.

Self-attack
Self-absorbed
Self-aghast
Self-abhorred

I thought you were a poem
And then you were a song
Or maybe even a dance
So graceful and strong.

I thought you were a poem
But you seemed like a dream
I thought you were a poem
But you’re really many things.

We are all soldiers
Fighting famine and sadness.
We’re fighting ourselves too, I think.
What a painstaking task
That we assign ourselves.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAeAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAlAAAAAAAAAAAAApAAAAA AAAAAmAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAeAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAApAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAlAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAeAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAsAAAAAAAAAAAAAeAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAhAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAeAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAlAAAAAAApAAAAAAAAAAA

Vengeance
Is venom.
It is in
Both the giver’s
And the receiver’s
Cups.
Revenge
Will only poison you.
Revenge
Is not sweet.
It is as bitter
As the pain
You must avenge for.