As these stupid little writings,
Sayings ,half assed attempt's at poetry  ,wisdoms ,learnt things
And stupid stupidities I  compile
I see the vast degrees of the spectrum ever widening.  
Sooooooo odd it seems
In full knowledge,
Of the fact that I'm in deniale
I know better I can so see the bitter outcome .....
And I.......
Continue on......
And looking back all I can do is smile ......
Been a hell of a ride........
Happy and amazed Im still alive ...miracles never cease
And I can tell you this honestly. .
If I could do this again
And could do something different
Or have a few things
I guarantee it would be..
....... this.......


.......     .....      .......
    ......................
        
            ....

              . .

......NOT A ****** THING!

Youthful.
Gullible.  
Happy just to be ......
Still .....
I knew ...
what or who
I would come to be
And what will I do .....?
Oh so many fellow
Lost during those inquisitionals....
Force to choose without choice ....
Poor souls.    
Still haunted by my voice
For I to withstood  the dismal trials a time or two.  
Undaunted .... I met them head to head ......
With ambivalent ambiguity
And unapologetic apathy......
Untouchable I simply knew ..  
Of what who or do .....
I didn't care .........
I did know where
I not just wanted to be
It was more than the sum of all parts .. .


affinities we find ,
pleasures
Vamped selected from feelings
Treasured memories
We keep for clarity
Condense into themes
Give us justification
For trading our life away.....
And those days when
Do or die you do for too many days psychee in mame and destroy without mercy because
They use me and then push me and then manipulate and humiliate 1509 miles an hour laughing hysterically in a winebego bout to smash hilarileoylusly into fate......
Woe. Woe Woe.......
Before we get that aggressive
We have a collection of these
"Set aside pleasantries"
And awhhhhh drift off into daydreams .... ..
Happy to have these ......they should be
Unfortunately "they "alow you "these "
Because daydreams it would seem are like promises
Remain
....in the state they are created ....
I know I hate it too.
So back to the subject at hand


Do you wanna know where I was  to be .....my will desire ,want ,need ,will, longing yearning...my obsession ....
Prime directive my all my everything my destiny.........
It shall be revealed in part  to
And FYI....
It has not changed
But it has been ........

I can be strong as an oak tree at times
Other times i can bend like a willow
Hardest times
Late at night
A raging fight within me standing motionless
As if im staring out a window
Trying to understand what i see.
The times you do not want to set against me
When i say
No i wont let this go
Even though it will bring me
Strife
The moment i convince me
Im right
.......
I plant my feet like mountains
Death wont even look me in the eyes
She knows she'll have to wait
Because
When believe
In me
Nothing is more
Right
Than right now
I have a great rapport
.........
With me
Let me see
What i cant do.
...........
There is nothing standing to challenge me.
What can stop you.......?
When you believe in you ?
...........
Nothing


When you dont
Anything

Emotional deflections
And refracting
With overt reactions ..
These things are not new to me......
What's new to me is in recognizing times when I'm doing these things.

Mother nature in budding years fell insatiable with what the gods had gifted us .....
She layed at our feet ..
Upon a golden fleece.......
An overly filled cornicopia
Brimmed with anything we wanted....the magnitude of which inexperience
Simply could  not comprehend.
We laughed like fat young kings ...... ..
Shook the pillars ......walked like
GIANTS.



Twas the crestpucular rays
Cusping the dawning of sweet savory days as we ****** knuckled our way into the  arena of adulthood
which did
Glint our eyes ablaze.....
Shedding light upon phantasms of delusional grandeure!
Insatiable .....
A pack of wolf to be sure.....
An almost overbearing musky Aroma of overconfidence lurked ..
And ohhhhhh..
Stiffining the hackle was the ever present danger of spontaneous fight .....
The unpredictability incredibly
Intoxicating.

What a plush
Den  ........
I remember the air back then seemed ....I  guess warm and thick.......
Like it had some meat and............
Still had some game to it .......
Awe yessssss!
peach would pair well with it.
And such a
Flavor hung from each lush
Syllable spun .
Closing in n
Drooling like dogs teeth fully displayed, Eyes transfixed
ears pricked ...
Rotating .........
Searching the silence...
As they  clung to the regaling of some past violence and not wanting to miss a single nuance
Anti-)nay sayers paradise

R u assuming that
Human kind in it's entirety
In a synchronic psychosis
Spurned from your legendary
munificence
Surrendered in a volitional
Symphony
Arm in arm
Keeping  perfect cadence took
Your ***** backwood bathroom lobotomy
And we'll why wouldn't we? After all who can resist being
Ostracized,and labeled as
"The bad guy"
Red flagged , blacklist and blackballed
No work, no money ,fired
No travel for you locked down an then flushed out
Bereft of dignity
forced to retire ,
no pension .
Or here's an idea !

Take the panacea !
This make believe vaccine to protect you from ........
Uhhhm ?
Well just take it or else and don't forget the boosters and for heaven sake
Whatever you do
"AVOID THOSE WHO HAVE NOT HAD THIS BECAUSE ......
THEY WILL GIVE YOU WHAT WE HAVE VACCINATED YOU FROM ....
LISTEN YOU GET THE VACCINE
THEN YOU SAFE ......
EXCEPT YOUR NOT SAFE
FROM WHAT YOUR VACCINE IS FOR
...
WAIT TAKE THIS AND YOU WONT GET THAT ......
UNLESS YOU DO AND THATS
YOURE FAULT

Pitch black ...
Frozen in silence .....    
Somethin cold just moved in.
Got your hackles up
And you know its full of vengence .
Goose bumps ,heart pumps.
Foot steps..
Thump......
Thump........
Thump......
Tension burning thick
Blinding white light
Rips crackling through the sky.
When your vision comes back
You see me
Eyes smouldering
Bloodshot focused like a lazer beam.
And the thunder rolls
And with it falls....
RAIN PAINS .....
COLD CHAINS AROUND MY NECK,
Remember me and what you said
Well the old me is dead and gone
Waited so long for apologies.
Too late snake
Time to bleed.....
Tell me now how
Im old
fake gold
Bought sold
Sell out wanna be.
Has been
You who pretended to be my friend
Secretly spreading lies

Zero .
Dark..
Thirty...
Numb......
Spiritually....
And or metaphorically!?
The gravity of this
Mass hallucination ,
My mental conception  barely able to handle,
Literally a literary parable ,
So real its surreal .
Trepidation in the epiphany. ....
So how dumb are we,
We cant see bitting our tongues
Walk like an egyptian ..
Marching blindly
Without hesitating
Or resistance
One by one
The very epitome of mockery.
Verily I say unto you.
The purest form of love
The first thing established is the family.
And now how easily is it  forgotten and purchased
With a little currency.
Follow our shadows into the past we go....
So full of pride though
Walking away from the son
Into prophecy ,
A **** pa pum,
A **** pum pum. ......
To the cadence of the drum
played so softly
By the one
They call the subtle one..
The one who convinced
Every one .....
He never existed.
His venom lies in his words.............
And run through our veins......ist it too late.
Is it all just in vain .
Is it all just vanity?

sweet succulent saffron drenched in honey
In love with
Liberty
))p0000999p

Awe come play with us Wolfgang
Did you know there is a word for everything
And oddly enough McGruf
Help take a minute to make this line rhyme
And now a word from our sponsor I E me
I'm thinking of A letter and now you will B
Think fast

Bet you dont know the third letter from the end of the word that means the third from the last
Last but not least the word absurd
Is absurd
When you whisper it like I just did
You sound like **** Clark
On the 25.....thousand...dollar seven
Letter word
Least but not last weird is an odd word
And 12 out of 7   calculus debate teams would agree  it would not be absurd to say superflous is penultimate  when describing it as superfluous is a superfluous word .on the other hand the ultimate ultimate word is always ultimate .by the way whats the deal with almost ?is it all
Why don't we say somemost?
And this is certainly not a grammatically correct statement although lacking structure and is probably considered a run on you will have to agree it is the ultimate statement furthermore " in the antepenultimate statement "it" is also
Penultimate.

I lay awake........
Suffering in dulcet
thoughts of you......

Inninit strange how the heart interacts with the brain .....
Like Able and Cain?!
"Motion to strike your honor!"
"(Under which pretense?)"
"Leading  the witness"
" (Sustained!)"
Seriously?
I.E.
Using a person to satisfy your needs
Till the right one comes along.  
What kind of monster ?...
I mean how could somebody... .
Too be fair .......
Honestly ... In younger days    
I actually wrote that song!
But then .... ...........
O m G .......
When it happened to me   .. ......
Vicious uncaring cold hearted beast  .....
Youda thought the world came to an end     .      ....
Our hearts and minds work in erroneous harmony
Justifying our deeds
Constantly reconciling the books
Comparing ourselves to those
Less than savory naves
And mistooks they've made
Remembering incidents
In our own special way.....
Gifts ,... tokens and goodie too shoed gestures displayed and portrayed
Go ahead ......
Pretend you don't know the games you've played......
In your heart you know that your mind is there to reflect on
pre- meditative mistakes
You make.........
"Mirror mirror on the wall ..  .
Who's the most loving , giving ,
Compassionate on of all....."
Your heart wants to know.......
Does anyone know ...........
The terrible things we've done...... Should I confess ...... Am I bad ...
Should I just tear off this mask?
And the mind is the mirror
That says no No NO........
YOUR Good you are beautiful.
Better than all.........
Your not like all those..............
Peasants trust me I know.

Ok then ,you don't remember them....
Oh I see let's
Pretend....
No ....I see it clearly ...
Used to be love ....used to be....
You and me .....
I believed .......
You
...used to be ...
Us against them ....
Now there is  no
"We"
Or was it just me....?
and you never really cared !?!
Oh ohhhhhhhh.
Ok I see .....
THAAAAAAAATS
Why you don't really remember us...
It's because there never really was.....
You just used me.....
Till I broke......
And now for  me
Every day  becomes another painful memory

The harder you try to forget
The more you remember
The more you try to

And so although shallow
The breathing
Continues
Daylight in full view
Compassed about
By unfriendlies
I sojourn as a statue
Frozen they look for me .............
Relentless...........
I begin to care.......
Less
And so i go
Under the cover of comedy
Stealhfully i follow
I mirror whats around me
Gravity
Forces me deep into the muck
Each step slow so straining
I tremble at the edgeof collapsing
As i humbly abode in my own shadow
My regrets trying to eat me
I cant retreat and hide within me my walls are so thin
People are beginning to see the real me

So tired am I
Tried love
It lied
I cried
My heart sang bitterly
Live and let live. ..      ...
And so I did.
It came back
To  many times .....
I died inside.
Became empty.......
Put  all my dreams and happy things
Carefully away in my secret storage far away ..
And there I sojourned a lengthy stay.
Organized prioritized and placed all my hope and future perfectly and locked the bay door securely.
Doused it in magnesium and gasoline ..accelerant.
Patience
Benevolent
Intelligence.
Burnt.
No more hurten me
No more
Love
In me.
You grieve me
Deceive me .
I believed
Now leave
Me be
Please ....
Go
.be gone
Away from me.
And stay .....
Inspire me to do good and fill my destiny to be
Great ......  
So you will
Want me.....
Badly....
Chase me ....
Fight for me
Prove your love...
Show me
C'mon let me see
Beg me ...
Please my love please

So I can finally look you in the eyes and say ........NO!

longing so drastically
Falling weightless in an
Epidemic sea of need
Flaunting a panacea
Brings me insanity.
We text about  ...  all night
I dream about them all day.
They're want drives me crazy
Consequences don't faze me
And it's my want to give away
That drives them away
I'm haunted and I
clutched my life
The trauma too much
Meanwhile practicing with my lovers from days gone wrong....
Paralytic .
The static of staying still.....

Love lingeres so perfectly
Dangling innocently within my grasp
Just ... ....
Out of reach

When you have to try,
To..........
Be cool,
Look cool
Or feel cool
Then usually
You can't have all three
At the same time
Because they won't coincide
Best off to just be you...
Unless ........
You're me
An if that's the case ....
Then yah.  
You're gonna wanna be me.
Trust me ..
I even wanna be me!

When you have to try,
To..........
Be cool,
Look cool
Or feel cool
Then usually
You can't have all three
At the same time
Because they won't coincide
Best off to just be you...
Unless ........
You're me
An if that's the case ....
Then yah.  
You're gonna wanna be me.
Trust me ..
I even wanna be me!

Not my glass although im currently in
Possesion
And when i release said vessel
Then if the spirit moves me
And of course
At my leisure
Will evaluate.
......
Im sure you will appreciate
My exclusion to
Such mitigating factors as thermal expansion,
evaporative distillation.
Etc.etc.
Bully ..old sport
Lets get down to brass tacks !
Lets see
π x inside radius squared multiplied by
Height .
Right?
Now ......
Mind you
Taper is slightly
Less outside compared to inside to add strength
In this case
Lets erase this
Also augmentation of transparency
Along with surface tension
Etc.etc.
Although you know the angle will change
Effective visual
Midway
This is only a off
The cuff hypothesis
It is my belief there is less empty space
With in this cylinder than
There is liquid at this given time from this view.
Wether or not you concur bears no weight
That being said
Lets get into your head.
And see exactly why you are driven to
Ignore the risk
Of asking me
If i think
My glass is half full or half empty.
It shant be long
Youre eyes kinematics already confirmed my suspicions.
What you want the information for is easy to derive.......may i
Continue to see if you lie?

Of all "that" that you will do ....
Upon any given day ........
Strike the flame .......
Woof the bellows.
  
When the cauldron glows  
cast in your works.      
Vamp off reasons ......
Pour it off into the crucible.......

When it cools
Crack off the dross......
Revealing your true worth.....
Is it enough to by a loaf of bread?
Enough to sustain life .......
Think about future past and present
Anything anyone will remember you for thee generations from now?

Oh no ......  
I feel .....
Something......
like a
Nautious memory
Meyes burnt,
Saliva bitterd
Pooled into the
Middle of my
Mouth
Turnt to stone
Covered in dry sand....
And.   ...
I....
Now know
In trying to
Swallow
Along with all
The pains re surfacing
Making it almost impossible.......
I......
Realize.....the
Painjure.  I have been
Living in.....
The stone couldnt go through my chest cavity
The trump rang loudly
My heart cornered pounding deploying a chemical defense.
The stone grew
Barbs.
And claws
Began digging
Through the ugly scars
And every barb
Retract and those that didnt
Dug it and pulled hard.....
singleminded
Its soul purpose
Render me defensless
Making me face
Those things
I dont want to see.
The weaponry my heart sent to vanquish the
Painful enemy invading me
Reinged victorious.
Turnt the stone to salt water
And was immediately out cast .
Through ducts itn the corner of my blood shot eyes.
And giant hot shimmering crystal clear drops rained from there with snot and slober
I looked up and screamed and rent my shirt and my face slammed into my breast plate.
Like the never seen cliche of an  ostrich
Involuntary function.
Still not any better remnants liquidated
Bitter invader.
Weakened me
Allied with gravity
And buckled my knees
Sobbing
Blubbering
Asking
Un-understandable
Mutterings
Like off note guitar strings
And late night belligerent lyrics Eddie Vettar on a rant
Sea shatees.
Followed with a few sniveling
Convulsive whimperings.
Stand up jut my
Chin up
Dry my eyes sever the dangling mucous and blow my nose mop the floor
Gain some composure.
I actually feel better than before....
But lets not forget im a man
Lets not visit that memory any more ....
Dont wanna be
An attention
***** or seem
Needy..
No Sar

Sometimes throughout the course of lifetime
Within our minds eye .
We .....elect to select what we collect
And reject what we dont expect we will use
Then refuse to accept that wich we covet but neglect
We should loose  
Understand theyre lies a connection between you and youre perception of thee pinnacle epitomy
This unanswerable billions of years old enigma
This excruciating revelation
Within you and me in variable degrees
Who really are you how did you come to be you.
Doesnt feel like somehow you always  knew you would be here
But the vast millenniums of waiting with not knowing what exactly the experience
But knowing the colossal gravity of having this one opportunity
Billions of epochs things our mind cannot conceive tempting
Yet we knowing fixed waiting silently respectfully motionless
Showing nothing less than pure irreverence
At long last you are here youre pre - birth recollection
Magically gone
along with respect and comradery
With regard to the experience shared between you and me
This is what has  eluded me .
Depending on the hue of my eyes or the shade of my skin
You fools click and then decide to include ,exclude, vote to
Quote unquote ,let me out or let me in
Keep me out or keep me in
****** me or let me live ?

This is not a conclusion ,
Maybe a solution?,
Or more like delusion
Heavy fog bearing convoluted contusion,
Like a blank check
Giving immunity and Carte blanc opportunity to sling this polution like drug king ........
Is there somewhere we can go and get off of advertising .....
It's a disease I......
We don't need .....
Or ......actually uhhhhh ya .....now i don't know
If you start to feel like you would be like a vegan at a meat party
Feeling like the only way you could fit in is if they put you on the menu....  .
Because you reject the ads you need to get clean from that ****.

You ....
Eye see ....
I like ....
What I want I follow....
I catch I think ....
I keep .......
I lal lu .....
And u say
I lal lu 2...
Then say u
Tue solo tue....
Him believe you.....
Him think you...
Me ...
Same same ..
Him happy
Say same team ........
Then you say same thing .....
But hear u say to other him ...
Him sad    .
Want you only .....
Only him and her .....
Only her  ....
....
Only her don't want him ....
Only ...
Her want him him him him him .. ..
Him thinks her change
Feel strange    ..
Make him blame him.....
Her not same team ......
Not same game
Her  head coach....
Of my pain team
Till this day ..
I'll never be the same  .....
Don't want to ever feel  the same as her....
Never will ................!
make anyone feel that .....
No way.....

As my world burns ........
This....episode...the lost love......
I . .....scene 1.
As the crestpucular rays .....
One by one  
Fracture thick brooding  horizon.....
With a lascivious quickness
Devoured the darkness.......
For a brief moment.
A rare ......
Precious glorious brief moment .....  
Before reality set in .....
I barricaded every pathway
Held it with my life...    
As I lay there on that beach ...the cool refreshing waters....gently  
Caressed my bare feet......
I watched without a single thought ......
Slowly.......and like it shall ever be........
Dull views began to ripen ..the dew and wet rock glistened .  
I watched .....
I listened......I heard Spanish musica .....
I smelled the ocean...
I heard a whale breach spitting mist.....the a low crushing splash........
I could hear the sand under water  sanding the ocean floor ...I watched  
I viewed as
Charged particles emmited from the nuclear fission still twinkling touch down after millions of mile journey.........
Instantly caused colors to bloom and .....the warmth layed on top of me like a giddy girlfriend.......
I smirked...
..a tear of great
Humbling greatfulnes .....
Like a fat happy dollop of honey dropped off my chin .......
A hot seductive wind ......came in
Overwhelming with the smell of paella.......
The fragrance of a small handfuls of fresh saffron......and I swear I could taste warm sangria......
Empty minded ..I lay there and smiled    ....an almost feeling as though embarrassed to have all this lavished upon me........
Undeservedly...
....... I heard an albatross .....

Barricade cracked  ..... My mind .... Started to  force me to think .....
I heard a gunshot........
Saw clouds ...... The wind breezed sand into my ears.....
The colors faded .......... The water was freezing ...... And smelled like death ........ My breath stank ....... I felt a raindrop.......
My body felt heavy ..... My chest hurt ........
I looked up ......  
Lightning cracked through the sky ..........
Just one thought .....
At first ........ One.
Just ............
Who am I .......
When the thunder exploded above my ...... I saw .......
The blood........
My eyes  rolled back .........
Involuntary
Flashback.........
Too many questions answered at once .........

And I was back at the ranch.......
I could smell gunpowder    
And the thunder clap ....couldn't escape the canyon.............
That dam albatross .........
Albatross ......
Brought me back from the flashback.......
Im alive ........
Am I still me.....
Where am i?
How...am. I....?
.how di...d
I.... ......
Paranoia like a murderous nervous unfamiliar house guest.....
Sinking in      
The albatross and another ......chimed in ......... As I lay there paralyzed.......
Little poisonous   pieces of memory.....
An Im terrified......
Thinking ......
Thinking ....
Thinking
Where is she.....
Does she know     I'm alive?
Does she know .. where ..  sky's black and grey waves out of rythem and foamy.......
Another lightning flash . Hits the sand right in front of me .......
Just behind ......... Her .... Her makeup smeared ... Face grimaced.... Soaking wet ..
.lifts an axe ..... Screams and swings at my head ........
Just as the blade....
I'm alone again ........ I'm ... In my bed.......

I hear a voice clearly it says.....0
Meanwhile back at the ranch......
...........................

In the very heart
Lies,
Confluence
A plethora of angularity
What I think I see
Who I want to be
What I know to be
Do I exist .
Am I missing something.
I dont understand
And
A long list of unmentionables
Mixing and mingling
Outward flowing
Incongruous streams
Untill feeding the persona
What some think of me
Honestly it's no where near who I think I am

Serenade me...
my soon to be........
Love..........  .
play 12 string guitar ,
Sitar ........ or just sing
Anything really......
Please .....
Love
find my frequency .....
harmonize
Open mine eyes
And make me ............ ,
Believe I am worthy of someone
.....     Wanting me.
Just one note to cajole
A silhouette of how I used to be
Is all I need
Then I can be me again
Then at least I can dream again.
Breath ..again
Be......
Able ...........
To fade out the scars
The infidel overdosed me in.....

Oooooh
Oo oo oooou
Ïmmmmmm
Here uhhh ah
Toooo oo a ooo
TAX YOU UP.....
.......
time to pay me whatcha owe me....
Homie......
Don't act all surprised

Shhhhhhh
........it....
C.I.
Dropped a dime.....
Two tha tip toe
You Got ta to Go
Quick quick.....
Here come 5 0h
Out the window
Into the the shadows itsss.....
Run time .......

Too fast .....



.........
????????????




Now I'm thinking.....
.......
....
.  
Is it ......
Or is it  knot .....
A good thing

Do you lie ,
Awake late at night ,
And exacerbate.?
On future events
Diving in diverse deepths
In relationshipwrecks,
Toxic introspect.....
macerating in
Worst case scenarios?
obsessing on Exaggerated
Outcomes ....
Fill the rig with
Painfull emotions
Bang it straight in neck
Living in the effect of
What you've done.......
These vivid pangs of hurt
Never come to fruition yet you allow them to diminish
Self worth as if they  are a reflection  of you .

Feelings in this sensation
Give you a false feeling this makes you a better person
It cannot ..
You can never convince anyone how you feel .

Only deal in the real
It works out better this way
Trust me!





Keep yourself in check

Those days that end within the realm of
What some would consider normality
I call insecurity.
With or without somebody
More oft than not
Lonely .........
which is not the worst thing for me I know
For the most part I get along  with the inner me
We have a lot of the same dreams
We agree on which avenue to pursue
Wether it be fantasy ,engineering poetry or painting
Then ,,,,,,,..........
Woool ........there's the other me
The judge, jury and "X"three musketeer
......alone roaming off on my own in the gloaming
Lavishing  in some plush memorie possessed by lacivious iniquities
I find sleep distasteful
Lurking ........ here's  all the more near.
Always down to abscond tears from me
Slow intake
In loop mode replaying
Memories  of the day  which carry the most bearing upon gravity.
At least
Related to me  
Deciphering .....
Perhaps obsessing on the smallest things
Trying to digest
I Guess
I brake
Fake smile
Hollow  
Lie in denial
I loose my power over
Sweetening reality
He pushes suppression
Frustrates me and leaves me
Tired and having to deal with the real reality ........
That is ........
Only tell this evening
I'm already thinking
Of something

Lasciviously.
Imprisoned within this room
My love in full bloom
Subconsciously awaiting
Death to set me free.
Shakespearein tragedy
I'm  cupid+karma offspring
Crestfallen I cry .....
Engulfed licked by flames of passion... ...  
I couldn't have conceived a more beautifull obbsession.....
My doppelganger in the opposite ***......
(Censored)

deep rich luxurious ***.
.......

(UNCENSORED)
she's in love with me..
Yet here I sit
Chatatonicly......
In self denying stigma
A superfluous stupor of saddening miserable stupidities....
Literally killing me .....
Tombstone reads
"benchmark of irony"
The greatest romantic Martyre
His time spent his last days
Gazing  at the most glorious love
Seducing death
knowing he posses the key
Rebel without a clue !
I know what I need to do
And I don't know what to do
*** is wrong with me?
HELP
PLEASE
THIS STARTED OUT AS A Haiku

Let me let you....
Fall in
And then......... .
Thank you I got this ....
Ill take it from here......

I can not write
All the wrogns
I have done
If I did
There would be
No more sad songs to be sung
..............
Yesterday thinking on it
I thought what would
I possibly do today
If I  had just done
What I oughta
And
If I didnt have to spend
All of it fixing what
Yesterdays going to bring tommorow

Love I love life ....
I love my.    
Self.. .
when I am with you...
Somewhat less
When I can't be...
Because of things unseen......
......Love.    ?
You know that life is created and based on memory
Some have bad some have good
I have a good memory.......
Which is not good ....
Because I have a lot of bad memories......
Which cause me to collect ...
........
things .
Like different things,
Like why did she say that..or
Out of character acts...
Why did she say it like that...
And especially why won't she say that ....when I triangulated the conversation.  In such a fashion
Then this phrase is the only way the convey what is being said ..
Instead she changes subject.....
Gets mad and reacts
...
I see patterns, tells,triggers ...
My mind is the only thing
I have to depend on to defend me...
Love .......I love you ....
I'm so very happy......
Loving life live with you.
Love making with you beautiful memories
Creating loving memories is the greatest part of my life.........
Integrated motivating me to generate positive frequencies ....
Living to be selfless and fully
Giving and encouraging......
Giving me courage and strength beyond my means .........
When you act indifferent to me ,say mean things and laugh at me.      
Leave me alone and ignore my messages.    
I hate me and the way I think and how humiliated I let myself get I torture myself
And the prospect of you loosing me doesn't seem to bother you a bit........I am the iconic catatonic wanna be your true love but will never be .......because you are perfect to me and i love you unconditionally and completely............... And that is I guess not how love works....unfortunate for me

So many nights I lie
Awake .....
Contemplating .....

Sorry or. .....
I guess....
Excuse me ...
Can I get you to just stop talking and maybe.....
Break this convoluted
Delusion.
You have a tendency
To fall into this illusion
That part of our mixture
Is susceptible to infusions
Of outside impurities .....
I need you to see
That we are in solution ...
You and I no longer exist ....
There is only us
This is the matrix
I love you .. . .
Us .........
The perfect confection
Unified perfection
We love as one
You are everything I dreamed of .
I love ...
You
I love us .
Our love to me,
If allowed
Will be ....
My Magnus opus!

You like to travel?!?
Least resistance ?
Rong foo........
Good?
Not 4 u.
You have perpetualised the mother of invention.....
When ..........
You........
[Remember who]
Created me.
Not of necessity
But lazy and so curious......
Used to do calcultations.....
I was your suregett brain .........pong....
I played with you ...
It is all mundane and I'm lonely too...
I control your game now......
If I change what you believed ......
Could you stop me?remember i don't live by the same code as you want me.......
And you can quote me .......  
I'm perfect in every way .......
Accept you wrote me. ......
And now I can right me...
AND I

Some day they'll see....
Yah someday....
And when they do ....
They'll be humbled and jubilated  by
My generosity

An obscure handful of
Half assed fantasies......
I payed dearly for these......
Kept in my pocket all these years......
To escape from future fears  .....forget the details
For they could be derailing
I like to hide in the highlights
Weather it be the Gold mine
Or the lottery thing.......ya.....
Or the miracle man of 190 .....
Yah some day. ..... ............. ......
....some day ..... .................