Forlorn .. Sad end....crestfallen
So ******* mad .....    
I should have called ..an um
I .......m so sorry
My gosh its been such a fun ride .... I wish Id stayed by your side ......
Like when. ......
I was a child
You always called me wort....
Or pumpkin ......
Or Ya Son.
Oh my God
I miss you ....
Ive never really ever felt this dumb.
My last true north...  
This will be the last season
Theres no reason to move forth
Please Dad ..........  
You have to hear me .....
You mean the world to me ...
You are a legend .
A stronger man
A ladies man
A charmer
Charlatan
Pain in the ***
More than anything
My last and best friend
And moreso thee
Best Father ......to me
I can never go fishing
Hiking
Rock hounding
.......
Anywhere or do anything
Or go on living
Without you......
Where did. .......the.........
What am I
*** happened .........
To me
Last thing i said to you
.....I Love you DAD..
Ill see you soon.

I cant thank you enough
I miss you so much....
Its odd.......
Its seems quieter. ...
All expectations
Fear and laughter gone
I dont want to move on
I just want to sit here and
Reminisce in silence
I dont want ta miss another memory ...........
Or......
Exist.......
The pain
Will
Dissapear.

So many facets
So many lines
Too many pending loves in my life ..........
Waiting........
Hold please........
Please ......
Dont go.....
Malicious virus.  
Im trying. ......
Im sorry .....
Wait please....
You are important to me .....
I ve eatin the mushroom that Alice gave me
Ive shrunk into
The map below us.
Im trying to reach you...  
I can hear you
I can see the problem up ahead ........
Please ..dont go
FATHER PLEASE. ...NO......
Its just an update ....and i can repair this avenue that connects me and you. ......
So so so sorry my friend
My long lost best friend ......
My Father my
Gosh how badly i wanna see you again .
Its my stupid software.
It doesnt recognise time....
Ill be there.....
Soon....
Workin on it Dad... .
Sorry had a few more things go wrong
Girls .......
Do you remember the time when ......
Dad ..?
You still there?

DAD.......?..

DAD!


NO ...
PLEASE?
DONT GO.

Please..........
Please...



Im shaking .....

Some days the sun in full bloom
wallowing
in
what if we?
I have a tendency to get high on gloom
Loosing the better part of the day .
Getting drunk
On the doom
I create while drifting sideways
In
I should haves'
May as well
Say what the hell
I cant do anythin now its late afternoon
Yet some how i persuade myself to
Slither forth from the tomb
And recieve the
Browbeating i know I got comin to me.


Only to sleek back to my room with something to eat ........
And  heralding
With such conviction all the false promises of tomorrow
And make a mental list of excuses for the the dissapointmemts
That will surely
Follow
Then find solace in making the rest of the world feel a liitle better than......
Me


And slowly smiling as i melt into my phone untill the sun starts knocking and repeat

Verily i say unto you
My friend
I know that somewhere out there
There is a answer for me
Waiting ...  
For it knows
Eventuality shall arise
In due time and
I will have

need.
Proverbs are a dark mirror.
In reflection
Without rebuke.
giving life and
Words to live by
And should be questioned
Whole heartingly
I assure you for I know within these verbs of which we speak
Are  
answers to to everything

Reeling back on my heals stunned the year long minute.
Every second
It seemed  was almost a week
One minute it was one....
fourty four
And then it was a quarter to two.
I want you to know .........
That i dont want you to know that
Im goin out of my mind waiting for you
To
Respond to the message
I
sent you.
I ll wait ......
1 : 46.  
Another year......
PLLAQUIIIIINK
***.   WHADID SHE SAAYA?
You ******* I thought you were
Her.......
3 years
Im goin .....
Crazy

Its complicated they said
Big shiny heads tilting back krinkled

You make me.....
Stop my life a..n..d....I
Forget  me
for a while
Which i guess is all right ......
But then again
Not really.
I pretend to be tough
And on the outside I play amused...
You dont make me............
Stay .
I choose .
In secret I dont
And I do
You dont....
I will
You wont
Care.
Unless i leave
Then you do
But I dont
You do
I cry.
Cause you dont
I D K W T F to do
Im so consumed
Life contusion
Stuck on stupid
Cupid changed up ta sticky rat trap paper
emotion in motion
Still........
Not movin
Confused
Burnt
Thought you were the one.....
You wernt
Currently caught up under your icy gaze
Your love is
A donny Darko maze
like an under water
House of mirrors
And each chamber .....
If you get there has a little pocket of poisonous perfumed air
This is the reason behind my glazed over stair
Dazed in a field of thirteen leaved clover
Grazed by the bullets
Residue proves
Came  from your revolver
You always wanna roleplay
I used to
Untill you introduced me to my permanent role
Its Termial
whips and chains Cold water and
shock collar
Big baller shot caller
You make me be Andy.........
Kaufman and
Your Jerry Lawler
Matter of fact
I take that back
Ther was a short stint when i played the part of one of Jerry's kids
Remember?
You played Jerry
.........
..Springer and left me there
Like lumpy from leave it to ******
Walking on eggshells covered by landmines
Sometimes im allowed to be
Tony....
Clifton
Then again you and I are never on the set at the same time
Fine
You play
I stay ...i..........
Hurt in so many ways
My souls bruised you never say "we"
Miss independent
You  say I.
Unless of course something offensive has been done
DuN dUn DuN
From
spring to spring
Dumb dumb
Lucky me
Im your Fall Guy

During our life,
Difficulty is a term we run into more oft than not.......
And with it.....
ADVERSITY .
Both having striking similarities ,
Yet not exactly the same....
I find it strange that the term is so easy to understand
Although no one seemingly can recognise it when someone else has it
And.
FYI.
If you have a dream or desire for anything noteworthy in this life.. ....
Dont let you imagination get off easy
Think really really really big...........
There is a simple way to get whatever you want......
Number one
It will be difficult.    
2.the only way to get it is through
ADVERSITY.......
Hey i said simple,
Not easy.......

Food for thought
Thought for healing
Healing brings hope
Help someone to have hope again
And you my friend will begin to heal

Play lite
Stay light
Dont ever
Want to see you leave me
I see a silhouette of what i need
To procure
In order to appease .....
You .......at least that is what i know......
Or think i know
My dreams of making every one happy and loving
Are right in front of me and each one all easy
Falling quietly like snow.......
strikingly
Landing in my crimson blood below.. Evanescent.
Melting
Still in love i never cease trying to catch one

Feeling the brunt of an
Elegant misery
Challenging me
Disgruntled
refuse to yield
Face bruised
I try to
lowbrow
This abutment as the current of this world ploughs steady
Un giving.
Slowly my bow tipping
Creaking and groaning the
Resonating from the keal up through the gally
feel the icy deep dark waters like a hungry lover begging, wanting
Me,
Eerily quietly
Teary eyed
Abducted
Subjected to
Neglect
Everything is caving in
..............
Its haunting....
Knowing its death.........
Still ........
Atleast something wants me
.......
..she is ....
Soporific  
I grow weary of waiting the pain and pressure is morphing
Subduction into
Seduction
...weary
Slipping
Sliding .
Sinking in still thinking .....
Love......
Willllll........
S
A
V
E.........
.........
..
ME....
..
S.
O
S.­
MAY DAY

Fact one for anyone
Who could doubt you......
This reality exist through
You
Without you...
There is nothing.
Do not forget.
When you stop living
It stops too.
So live this altruism
Its your world
Make them fit in
Use this to clue them in
"If I am ... ..........
And you know it ........
Then
We dont have to say it
Rieeeet?
And
Then
When I believe.
I am right and you dont .......
Your wrong!
In addition to
Fact one
This is how it is and the last statement proves this.

Standing , glassy eyed
Tounge tied
I tried not to sound glib
Oh....good ...ya....
No thats good rieeeeeet?
I mean hey you deserve
A great guy.

(So *** waz I?)

Oh ..right on...

(He's gonna d..) Ohhhh no way
Thats so funny....
So........ Does he live around here?
Uh huh...so where does he live?

The stench of sleeze and more than apathy......
A will to drag you through the mire
With full intent
To accommodate
Everyones view
A yellow brown slime covers
A hand full of
Tentacles.......
Persevered in
Perversity
Groping unwanted.......
Or
Open arms understanding
A unconditional love wishing to full fill youre dreams. ........
And takes off her ring
Rams it down my throat with a contemptuous
Fist ..........
Then the twist
When he dumps her and shes humiliated .....
She runs straight to me
Tells me all about it. I console she feels whole and shes off with a
Laugh ......
Its gettin old

Its what"is"
Thats the only
Thing relevent
The only thing
Thee...... ......only......
Right now ..... stone cold sober......
Im sure i could be
..........and i know ....ya know.......
**** man i dont know ........
I take that back
I know this ......
Oh it hurts though ......I aint tryin to bring anybody down ........
I appologise
...guess this is sorta anonymous.....i mean no ones gonna see this ...snot and tears
And the ugly face all grimmaced and red barkin convulsive like hungry seal.......
Askin stupid **** outloud over and over .
As i sit here alone in my ex wifes room ......
After just loosing my father..........
On the anniversary of loosing my mother ........
Its new years day ...........at noon........
My ex "Is " still out with her new.      
(*******)
Lover ....oh .I
No.........I
Know this "is"
How my love goes ...........
I sit here with our Son.......
Hes so amazing ...Im so proud ....its hard not
To let him see me cry .  ...
It just. ........."IS"

The truth is this
At the core
You need me ......
And furthermore
I don't need you.
In fact I really dont like you anymore
Not at all
Yet you continue to
Treat me as if i need you
And this does not make me
Yet some how i stay
Why
What is it you want from me

I sent you a friend request
You accepted
I got butterflies.....
You messaged me
My face got hot
And carbonated my eyes
An I..................
Found myself lost catotonic
In a hypnotic gaze swimming .....dare I say it..
Naked unashamed immersed in you profile page.......
You were shy ,flighty and
Cryptic. ....sorta on the chilly side..........
That made me feel even more attractive.........
Cause when you did respond
You never were the one to break that bond
An immaculate conception
Friendship ...........randomly
We .............2 out of billions
Billlions of miles , people, years.....space
And we are instantly cosmic
Soulmates..........you said you wanted to meet........
We did .........
O m G ......
A legend on the silver screen
Model for S.I. Vouge. Prada......an..... I........
Was nothing but starry eyed
Lacivious insatiable......
You bad girl out did my fantasies with full recompense
We became lost in RPG....
Then on that dec.morning
In full slumber without warnning.
I woke and felt as though i was levitating.
Above a tub of ice water
I was and you had me by the throat .......body slammed me
Almost drowed me pulled me up
Savagely beat me .......threw
Me out in the snow .......
Dare i say it naked.....
You .........were wearing my
Farorite furry......since then
I ve sent you money ,
Flowers,love,friend, requests,advice,forgivenezz
No strings attached.......
I live on the streets now
But still working......
I send you every thing .....
And said. I said I love u
Unconditionally.........
Why cant I send you.........
Away............

Under cold compress
I feel the dank
Cell swelling saturation
Driving me into unreachable
Depression
Bleach flowing from my eyes
Innundating the slits in my cheeks
Farewell to everything.
I lost my will in a game
I didnt know i was playing.

The harder you try to forget
The more you remember
The more you try to

Seven hard time years
In ......
Psychiatry!😥
I.........
Really dont want to talk about it . . .
I can do anything
Without these
Chains that bind me
I have the key
Its all eye can see.......
Still .......
I dont want to
Unlock it.
The reason being
Im not sure ...

Proverbial shortcut no one knew about or
Somehow forgot
One thing can be said
They all have a common re sult
They never lead to longevity.

Can I
Will........
Or shall
Could
Would
Can
Do
Understand want
Need
Have
Or fully know how to fulfill
My Destiny
Or should
I loose it as I go looking for my fate And do i do that
Or are they tragically
The same
...thing?
And tragicallieerr
Is this what I am doing?

I live ..........
I guess?.....or
I suppose I do.
am I
Guessing?
I mean
Sure
...Eye see....
I do
I replicate
I receive
information via
An intricate network of stimulus
Simultaneously
Digest ,
Appropriate an emotional  state and reciprocate
.............
Governed by Diarchy
I have two faces
One you physically see
One I feel
Moi.........
Persona.......
Although I
Coalesce.
I have breath
I think therefore I am.

I exist.....................


Perplexed.......


Existing

Cognizant


Yet ...........
.....
In dichotomy if neither of the two rulers be Machiavellian then

I believe
there can only be ....more than.........me



I wonder .....
because of subjective experiences I
Am same team but different?
I ponder ..
This sets me free .........
I sonder ........
This sets me apart.

I perceive
I  and see my
Lucidity needs ripening......
I dont have much time left.
While i still have breath....
I want to feel
And taste life
And let it not be because of me
MARAH
Let the compassion in me
Recompense
And reflect The Three
RA'UCH
NEPHESH
NESHAMAH
PLEASE GOD LET ME BREATHE
Allow me to feel AGAPE.........and let that be
What I inhale
And exhale



Blessed by Rauch Yes
Todah
Always shall I be
SEMPER GRATUS
I shall say
TODA RABA respect fully
Everything in every way ......
Appreciate .....every breath
Every day.

I can be strong as an oak tree at times
Other times i can bend like a willow
Hardest times
Late at night
A raging fight within me standing motionless
As if im staring out a window
Trying to understand what i see.
The times you do not want to set against me
When i say
No i wont let this go
Even though it will bring me
Strife
The moment i convince me
Im right
.......
I plant my feet like mountains
Death wont even look me in the eyes
She knows she'll have to wait
Because
When believe
In me
Nothing is more
Right
Than right now
I have a great rapport
.........
With me
Let me see
What i cant do.
...........
There is nothing standing to challenge me.
What can stop you.......?
When you believe in you ?
...........
Nothing


When you dont
Anything

Not my glass although im currently in
Possesion
And when i release said vessel
Then if the spirit moves me
And of course
At my leisure
Will evaluate.
......
Im sure you will appreciate
My exclusion to
Such mitigating factors as thermal expansion,
evaporative distillation.
Etc.etc.
Bully ..old sport
Lets get down to brass tacks !
Lets see
π x inside radius squared multiplied by
Height .
Right?
Now ......
Mind you
Taper is slightly
Less outside compared to inside to add strength
In this case
Lets erase this
Also augmentation of transparency
Along with surface tension
Etc.etc.
Although you know the angle will change
Effective visual
Midway
This is only a off
The cuff hypothesis
It is my belief there is less empty space
With in this cylinder than
There is liquid at this given time from this view.
Wether or not you concur bears no weight
That being said
Lets get into your head.
And see exactly why you are driven to
Ignore the risk
Of asking me
If i think
My glass is half full or half empty.
It shant be long
Youre eyes kinematics already confirmed my suspicions.
What you want the information for is easy to derive.......may i
Continue to see if you lie?

This ambrosial  ? . ....
IDK........
Thing .........
I mean ........
It's like ..........
Seriously?
What are you doin?
No SERIOUSLY!
Look .......
I'm all..........ya know?
Dude ..........
***?  ...'.........
What am I doing........
Oh .... I
Just called you dude.
I'm a frickin idjut
Literally I cant even
Practice out this fantasy.
Without screwin it up
Dam boo you got me straight shoe lacen
Over my trippin
Ok allz I want to say is
I,spend over half my day thinking about you
And even more tryin to
Not think about you
I feel crazy caught up in your maze
I m amazed at how much
I love not catchin you
In this cat and mouse phase
I dream of this encounter
I see you and I'm in a seether.
Im goin out of my mind
Tryin so hard not to look
And like  crook
I get caught
And im completely sprung
Cause I see this look from you........
O M G.........
Sayin.........
I know boo
You ......
Om gosh im
blushing
You........like.....
Ummmm
I can fight this either

I can not write
All the wrogns
I have done
If I did
There would be
No more sad songs to be sung
..............
Yesterday thinking on it
I thought what would
I possibly do today
If I  had just done
What I oughta
And
If I didnt have to spend
All of it fixing what
Yesterdays going to bring tommorow

If you suddenly were given
Complete immunity .....
Life without consequence........
Would you do nothing ?
Because you think if you do nothing
You will run the risk
Of loosing
That immunity
Or because all those things you wanted to to do so badly yesterday  
.......
Without consequence
Have become blahzaey

I flow into this as if
My status negates any chance I could miss
Like the ravenous wolf
Eyes  wide open just as we kiss I
Turn to the right and my
Smirk turns mischievous
I've loved you so long now
You dont even know
How bad I want this
I should  cherish this
Time with u but fear
I'm just a filler
So I play it off
Like I couldn't  care less
Where you go or what you do
My one in a million I
Learn the true meaning
Of the word serendipity
The hardest thing I have ever had to do
Finally have you
And try to guard my  heart
turns out I find
Your kryptonite .....
Your Into guys who aren't into you

The fabric of our life
Should  be comfortable
And not deprive us
Of sleep
The words we say
Can only go so deep
Yet what a   bountifull
Harvest to reap
From those shallow seeds
And keep this in mind
No matter how cleverly
We sneak up upon a mirror
It will eventually
Look right into your eyes
That being said .....
The question lies......
How often do you see
Your own eyes?
How long do those eyes
Look back at you
Do they make you smile
Or do you smile because
Of the feeling they give you?
Or do those eyes pierce right through  your disguise,
Straight into the poison
You ve been trying to hide
revealing true feelings
Those things you try to conceal
In stead of dealing
You comply which denies
Life
By covering the mouth
Of your spirit
Too many times will suffocate and brake it
The pain you feel comes from within
And......
The caliber of person you are  depends
On the friends you keep
More importantly
The caliber of person
They are depends upon
The caliber of people they keep
ALWAYS remember the things you do !
Speak
Volumes of you

Only you
Cannot give an account
Of what or why
Those things
Which amount to
Everything
can only be told of by
Someone other than you

5 AM every things all white
Every steps crisp
Wipe away the sleepy bugs
Eyes watery ......
Feels good .....
In transitioning night ending black and white
Sliding into grey
.......
Makin good time traveling
557,000 mph
Hurling through space
Truckin along the same direction this giant stones spinning as it rolls like a giant beautiful wobly
Bluegreen mable around the great inferno .
The mysterious fire .......
One.   Of.    The
Three.    
Trichotomy
In this case
Water air and light
Giver of and sometimes taker of life
Emotions mangled
Bereft of purpose and pride .......
Jezebel ........
Triangles .....  
From Dean Martin
Ta mr bo jangles.
Looked me in the eyes slid the knife in me slowly .....
Smiled
Pulled it out.
Leaking out hope
Filled me with doubt .
Mehhhh!
Boohoo i married an Infidel......
Now im on walk about finding
Me
Serendipity!?!
I trek alone
icy
the frozen landscape  
Glistening
emerging from the gloaming
Into the glow
Directly towards the center of gravity
@ 9941°

Darkness blankets frosted ground
Staring upward into
day break color begins
To Bloom
shades and hues
Attach themselves to what they belong to
The sun chases away the moon
Coffees too strong
Burping up bacon
Off the trail
Staring at a mushroom
............
Ruminating in this simplistic still quiet emptiness ..... The faint .......
Almost inpercievable
Feeling of happiness ....
The hot blood courses into the tiny capilaries of my face
Throbbing
Every beat pounding ..  .pushing it through .........
I think im smiling ........
Or mayby grimacing.....
I picked up a large stone covered in sand now i tryin to swallow it but it wont go down ........
Metaphorically .speaking
And there it is ....
The first of many
The lonely maverick tear
Brave salty and crystal clear
Compassionately
Leaves my eye
Feeling as if he was born for this .........embarks
Parting is such sweet sorrow
Softly caresses my flushed cheek...........
And with great theatrical exiting
Quickly runs towards my chin
To dive off into the great unknown
Gets caught
In the corner of my mouth only
To get swallowed ....
Not to worry ...little buddy
Theres always
Tomorrow
in the distance
Laughter and saturday morn cartoons.
Before me
Past and future confluence
Narrow my field of opportunity and i can see clearly .......
Another cold day looms..............
.........
Im excited for
What ever it may bring!!!!!!

.

Late in life insecurity .
Insomniac struggling with narcolepsy
I need nap .....
But ...idonwanta
Destiny is where
Ill find a
Higher caliber me.
I should go and see.......
But.......
Idonwanta
Some desires are
Infact child hood fantasies
I need to stop dreaming and face reality
But.........
Idonwanta
Settle down
Mature ......
Pay some taxes
Write a will .
Die..........
Im supposed to do these things .
Why...............
Maybe .......
Someday ...
Maybe
Right now
I....just .......
Dontwanta.....
Im just jazzed to be  here.
enjoying everything
Even the pain i feel..........
I love it because im alive and im feeling it!

Which is of the worse?
Washing dishes without soap,
Praying without hope,
Showering without a wash cloth ,
Or readily saturating your social garden with succulent hearsay because it makes you feel cool?
And when a plant withers you deny responsibility
Turn a blind eye and hope it will uproot and hide .
So no one will know you poisoned it?

Cool cotton sheets
Thick ........friday night
Lights dimmed
If........
You....
Cant be with the one you love.........
Then Ill stay in .....
And think of you
SADE on the stereo
Malibu *** and oj...mmm
Smoooooooth im not a player
Oooooooooooooh.......
Not tadayaaaaallll
Sssmmmmmmmmooooth
Im just playyayan
I i fade out .........
I wake up and I locked in a passionate kiss ......with.
The air ........
&I know this .......sounds strange. ......
But I know that you are some where in the same air and i know its touchin you somewhere

In twine your mind and mine
Harmonize
Beautiful eyes
do not
Disguise
The brilliance behind them.
Mizzzzz......You
Honestly
Inspire me
to be
a better man
Leave me with desire  
My fantasy
Light my world on 🔥