sometimes I just want it to stop
not for it to end
just enough for me to catch a little breath
just enough to keep up with the rest
just enough to laugh so hard my tummy starts to ache
just enough to enjoy those little moments, without worrying what's coming next
just enough to find myself again
just to know what I'm living for
before everything is too late

I deny myself,
deny the "what if's" no longer exist
deny admitting that i still think of the possibilities
deny the fact i still want us to speak

i pretend to have moved on
pretend that the song is JUST a song
pretend that the smell of dark wood
DOESNOT remind me of you
pretend that those little things are too little to remember
pretend that i love my newfound "freedom"

but how could i forget
about all those glances we met?
those glances that could change my entire day
how could i forget
about those words still stuck in my throat?
no matter how hard i try to swallow
it always refuses to go

now im just stuck
stuck between rembering and trying not to remember you
but those little things are  infact big
big enough to hold my present
force me to revisit the memory

how could i move ahead
from the love i kept alltogether to myself?
from the love i never got to confess?

you made me hate tickles
hated how you'd slid your fingers onto me and touch
and all I ever could do was laugh
hated how no-one noticed
how I was gasping for air
kicking you back hoping you'd stop

but no you continued
and you tickled me some more

my liver began to crumble
I wanted to scream " pls don't do it "
but there was no room for my words
none noticed the screams
they assumed it was just laughter

its not the tickles i hate
just  the fact that now when someone touches
I flinch every time
just the fact how hugs are enlisted as
injustice crimes in my mind

no, its not the tickles I hate
just the mnemonic memory that plays in my  brain
just the fact whenever its dark I somehow see your face
just that you robbed all of my innocence
with none of my consent