Wahh
I amaze my self
at the way I laugh nonstop
with my friends

how I am still so curious
and in love with learning
how I sink in deeper
and deeper until I dissolve

I have not only returned to myself
but I have leaned in further

ripening and softening
right here right now is the best
not yesterday not in some years
right now :)) and it makes me smile
and it makes me want to dance without any background music
because I have worked hard
and changed so much to be who I am
took risks, fallen and gotten back up, this heart has not been timid it’s been a steady monk
and it has circled back to now
and now is so good it makes want to shout

Light of my light
earth and firth to the sea
hold me in your hands and guide me
release through me your yearning
whisper through me
so that I may sing it in the same key of love as you


(As long as the day can use me and calls me to rise each morning hold my heart in your hands)

She would take me horse back riding through her small ranch and through town.

I remember the way men would look at her riding
my aunt’s quiet composed tough exterior
as her horse galloped through town
she was unimpaired & confident
her dad had taken her riding since small

My grandfather believed a women should be strong just as worthy and just as capable as any man
and that was unheard of in small village
but he was older when he had her and he had made enough mistakes to be wiser
a better father the second time around
and by the time
I came to be
he was soaked in spirit and soul
and he told me
to keep digging within that
that’s where I would find my treasure





He was right
My aunt and I
reek of love and it because he was


he was flawed
he was humble
And he took responsibility for how he was

and I do not want to forget him
I keep the picture of him and I
him and his white loose shirt
me and my old Led Zeppelin t-shirt

Thank you for loving me even if you never kissed me
thank you for existing even if it is not here next to me
Thank you, and I wish you well
I wish you comfort and a full heart
I wish you love and I wish you great joy

You are as bright as any star and in my eyes your, you have still got so much left to give the world and I hope you never forget, even when the going gets tough

They did not teach her her tongue
she was tongueless
mute to her past
she was taught the language of those who came and settled upon the land
seeking to own the living
breathing
slow moving earth

her half moon earrings were just hand me downs from her family
the art of her people
their prestige as artisans a quiet story tucked within the hands who made them are speechless to her now
...
Two crescent moons stacked smiling upwards–
I look for these earrings often but I cannot find them Or the fishes...or the face of her mother or the scent of Janitzio
some days I feel like that very    
                          
                          isl­and

disconnected from everything and surrounded by water
And I feel like fire burning at foot of a lake
and I want to push back the night but then all of a sudden
there are humming birds who hover over me (a shift of existence) as I become the wind under their wings
and I take after their countless legends of mermaids
Eréndira’s tears lay salty on my tongue   
and I will myself through the fright and the this plague –that bore semblance to the time her people died and dropped like flies
from small pox their bodies surrendering to disease–
to dive into this water and swim
through the vast expanse of hurt
I swim through these fictitious tales of separation
of the illusion of the “other”
of the resistance to understand and mesh cultures 
I swim past these notions of perpetuating intolerance ...
past the use of  “other”
Until I reach my own shore
my own place of being
And there I release and heal all misery
and cleanse my heart and soul

there I sink my teeth deep into this bread of words
“I will not perpetuate more sorrow in my life”

everything that is a chain
I free myself from
everything that does not love has love destined for something else
but this small beating mass in my chest
is mine to nourish and to love

I  surpasses the violence of the collision of words and I bear fruit

Something is present in this empty room
The light coming through the window adds its brilliance
to the already present luminosity that oozes from everything
in this small apartment I am calm and truly home amongst my being

Every poem I read today
made me weep
spoken word and hip hop coalesced
brought the concrete streets and grit
and pure relentless of yesterday
pushing it through my lacrimal sac

I miss her

“Who is your favorite Beatles member?”
This was a serious question as she was a self proclaimed Ringo fan, and anything Ringo related  she could get her hands on she did

Some people are just so sure of what they like
of things
of life
that they make you want to questions what you like
They’re like a strong river, and you have to make sure to keep obedient to the nature of your own flow

I remember turning towards her bracing myself to be met with vehement disagreement and saying  “ Harrison”.

“Oh, okay” she said and kept digging around in the crates filled with vinyls

We must rise each morning and welcome that sweet sensation that we have arrived
however long it took and no matter how often we lost the trail emerging from our heart towards the world
Today we sit in our bodies and we abide
calm, strong, kind and unmoving
we reveal in our beauty and we joyfully smile at all the things that brought us here
“Yes, I see you” we whisper to the throbbing parts of us
And say, “But, this life is so much more that, that I cannot let you run the show” and we reach for what makes us warm inside, all that heals us and all that opens it arms towards us in loving gratitude we thank and embrace

I am a lounging lizard
in love with the sun and the brightness of life
in small daily deepening rituals abides the warmth of my heart and a sense of gratitude to last a lifetime tenderly unfolds and continues to drape this expansive existence

When will there be no table
just people gathered in a circle

And if he does not feel the same
I would understand
but I needed to be brave
because it means so much to me
he means so much to me
everyone has got their things( their no to great traits)
but i don’t need someone to put on a pedestal that is not what I am asking for

I am asking to see you further for who you are

Surya Namaskar in the bright morning sun

every little part of me comes alive

and my fingers lift me off the ground

pressing powerfully

how wondrous are we

breathing, living, conscious beings

standing mountains

all equal

vast as the vastness

My lilied love awaken to the new day
there the small grass is growing and the glow of the day is here permeating our skin –warming us even if we are apart

My lilied love I hope you can feel me somehow in the thick light of the day
when you open your window or walk outside

My lilied love I know we are in different season of our lives but we are ripening at the same time,
soften with me into this life
sixteen years, ten years, five years, three years: the amount does not matter just  the fact that I truly love you and at the same time I genuinely like who you are
these two are uncountable

lilied love would you allow me to behold
you as you behold this day ever unfolding before your eyes

Do you believe there is no renewal?
not of the mind or of life
do you believe we don’t deserve to change
are we always to be bound to the past
instead of aided by it’s wisdom

think deep
what do you really believe ?

Today while riding the subway cart I thought “I am scared to open my heart to him again”
and then I thought “maybe he is too”
but I don’t want to be scared

So I start slow, one small step at a time
that way I will not rush or misunderstand

There are days when I want to say hello
send something I have read and share the way words or music sit on a sheet or laid  down on a track
when I want to open my rib cage and smile at you at the entrance of my door
And say “this is who I am”
  “come in”
A gift to behold you and a gift to be beheld

It could be the stars could fall on me tonight but I think they’d turn tiny if they touched the earth’s ground
where I would pick them up
and place them in a blue plastic bucket

Don’t forget your bright eyes as you tilt your head up
and that soft smile that curves over your lips when the warmth of the day penetrates
into the deepest chamber of your beating heart
don’t forget to renew your mind
there is still so much to see
and still so many moments tucked in our experience of time that gifts us this wondrous existence
and this chance to look again upon
life’s kindness
Please  don’t forget to bring them
their brilliance lights up the dark

I feel this ball of energy entering me
something has come
it has already arrived within me
announced itself
but I cannot yet see it here
in the materials world
but it is deep and makes my heart race

You tug at me
and I want to close my eyes
and tug back

Sometimes I press my hand to my chest when this feeling comes and I close my eyes
who is it?
who calls me at this time
sometimes it is my mother or my brother
sometimes my childhood friends
sometimes it feels like an older brown eyed man
each of them different strings
but when I concentrate I can work my way back to the source
I don’t know how but I don’t need to know

I have started replicating old Korean paintings of desks
I look at each line so precise but different from the others; each has got its own charm

And it radiates from your eyes
this joy and you become fuller
and your eyes girl
they become so much more beautiful not because you are right but because you are kind

Sometimes it is hard to turn towards wholeness when a society, someone, a whisper or a story has been told
and it makes you feel as though you are lacking
but every life comes into this world with its own completeness

I am strong
I am brave
I am carrying my bright light
and my life calls to me
it does not matter how much you resist change or want to put me down or get in my way

I am not in opposition of life nor in opposition of  you; everything inside of me flows like water and I listen for the direction of the stream
perhaps you are not listening
maybe you are too caught up in other things
in that case my dear girl joy is a compass and your heart sees roads your mind cannot fathom

I am not afraid
I am trusting of this world
I am well able and I do not need to cling anymore to anything in desperation
for whatever I need
to get through
I have got deep in my soul so whatever happens know you stand facing a womyn who is full and wholly
And I would always offer you my hand even after you have trespassed
I am passed the black and white notions of life, of books, and dogma, of not searching inside of me, of shutting out my own inner wisdom to conform to outer guides
I only listen my guardians when they whisper through flickering lights
you cannot bring me down
there is not down here
where my being abides

The world does not revolve around me
this earth
this multitude of people
must be nourished too
Other stories
other ways of living
so why do I deserve to have it my way


The simple answer is because everyone deserves a chance at true happiness

I care about the songs we sing to lift our spirits
they don’t have to be played in nice halls
I care about the reason for which one courageously awakes and decides to find joy in simplest of tasks

I care about the reason why you lift your head up
I care about the reason why this earth has life and how to make it thrive

I really do love him or I would it have not come so far away from my own home

I think of all the letters I wrote with so much love till the moment I got here
of all the middle of the night alarms I set to wake up so I could watch him smile and play

I just sincerely love him
and I also sincerely love myself

At a dinner conversation she said
she felt relieved to be able to touch her partner’s toe to her own on Sunday nights

She said “I don’t think you can relate”
And I stayed quiet and thought of a life lived years ago
when I woke up with you upstairs cuddled and warm
Your  mother and brother downstairs.
Holiday near Mendocino lake
where I met your cousins and uncles
driving to Bay Area because that is where you grew up and meeting your old elementary school teacher the one you had crush on

waiting for you cross legged on the roof of my car

flipping through cds and vinyls in Berkeley -Rasputin and Ameoba
grocery shopping and you towering over
always having to lean down to kiss me
It seemed like a life lived years ago but it no longer seemed to fit or feel mine so I remained quiet
that girl, that world is outgrown

Toes on a Sunday night
were a gift from a past life

They say there is no beauty there
but I want to challenge them
tell them “ here, let me lend you my eyes”
they say I do not see reality
but they do not understand that what we push for becomes reality

Dusty loving lady you are unending
and as they cringe at your smell on the subways cart I focus on your lively eyes
that are unoffended –sauntering the expansive territory of aluminum poles, glass windows and plastic seating where people sit in self-imposed hermitages or absorbed in a phones but your gaze
like that of a hawk
glides over all

The heart bows
to the sweetness that emerges
from below
and we smile

A sparrow begetting birch
soaring lightly
on the grace of wind

Lady if you were somethings else
do you think your eyes would gleam any brighter
Lady anchored to this time
do you know you are not the boat but the water it sails on
Lady if you had not knocked on the door
do you reckon the hurt of being turned away would be less
Lady who was not born a lady you are the masterful craftswomyn of the person you become
Do you think your being handed the pen before the others is something to hide
Lady with a womb or wombless you can bring life
Do you feel it deep in your bones
Lady do you realize how glorious and humanely your are

Lady if you were somethings else
do you think your eyes would gleam any brighter
Lady anchored to this time
do you know you are not the boat but the water it sails on
Lady if you had not knocked on the door
do you reckon the hurt of being turned away would be less
Lady your womb can bring life as does your thoughts
Do you realize how glorious and humanely your are

I am dizzied and confused but I want to change my life
I want to set myself up for joy
to meet me in the mornings
I want to cultivate the seeds of giving
surround myself with those who also give back
no more letting anything else make my decisions for me
I accept my power of choice
and choose what my life becomes
and dare reach for a beautiful life
not free of struggle but enriched by it

If this is where we call into being the loveliest of things
with deep intention I dare to call
a loving and joyful life
and so I start releasing fears
believing the impossible is not a satisfactory measure
that all that we cultivate and devote our time to is not in vain
it is our class and teacher
we the artwork coming together
as the willful painter places another mark
so if this is when I finally begin to more firmly draw my life let me call my lovely gems of light
my keepers of the light to aid me on this journey to the blossoming of a fruitful life

I am want to say many to you but I keep them in the corner of some obscure cloud of internet. There are some things I do not want to burden you with.
Some ideas that come and go and some that stay.
Some of them are foul
some are them are daring
all of them are human

I type words to help understand what I am feelings. Why I love, why I hurt, why reach for mending, why I need to keep changing my understanding of life, but sometimes I circle back to the same thoughts.

I do not need to be your lover or ever be your partner. I do not need the title of spouse or fling. I can be your friend and see you through in that way
But what I do need is to be fully myself

have people who can forgive me
and see my through
and love me more because I dare to try again and again

For the first time I feel uprooted
and I want to cling to the earth
I want to belong to this body

I want to search for my place of belonging
I am done hustling for affection

I want true partnerships
I do not want the fear anymore
the fear of losing you or anyone
because I came too late, was born too late
or said the wrong thing

...
Baby I deserve some real sincere
****, **** me all night, cry with me when I’m not doing well, walk in peace with me,wow lets work together to heal that, you got your life I got mine kinda love

I just want a shot at the real thing
not at illusions or romanticized stuff
I want my place of belonging only if it wants me back
...

I am going back to art and words
into creating expansive landscapes. I have the need to grow me like a lovely cactus in this desert I find myself in.


...

I reach for this very human brokenness to hold it in my arms and nurse it. I reach for the true beauty of life and for the me that can be
...
I close my eyes and see a kind hearted woman, devoted to many things, always learning always growing

I see this body boldly aged and I can my hair long and white
an elder
full of wisdom and my soul light as a feather

If I don’t fit there
I don’t, and there

I want to slide through the round pebbles
make my way softly through the terrain

If I don’t fit there
I don’t

onto the sweet nourishment of true belonging  
the corner, the lives, the dress and pair of jeans that I don’t fit into
I just don’t, and that’s that

onto loving things
onto the possibility of a hand on the ***** of my back and connections that warm the hearth of my soul
onwards with the search for true belonging

if I don’t fit I don’t
and there

We forget that we can call beauty
and if it does not arrive
we can make it
we can witness it
we can be part of it
we can choose that finally our lives deserve
to be instruments through which beauty and all loving goodness flows
authentically humanly
stumbling some days
harder than the others we devote ourselves to consciously creating more harmony within our own beings

Todavía te quiero tanto que
todos los días me pregunto cómo haz estado

Todavía te quiero tanto que
exploto
y no encuentro la manera de vivir sin ti
yo se que la existe pero no la quiero

Todavía te amó tanto
que siempre quiero disolver los grandes obstáculos
siempre quiero abrir mi boca y darte algo dulce pero me callo

me quedo con mis palabras porque
tu también tienes que poner de tu parte
pero esta vida no es fácil
y aveces te quiero esperar cien años
pero surgiría la muerte como otro obstáculo

Todavía te amó
hay un río con fuerte corriente que no solo me atrae a ti sino que también te siento dentro
como si me hubiera intentado salpicar en ti
más termine empapado

Todavía quiero tanto poder amarte
aun que seamos seres distintos
aun que seamos solo un puntito temporario
en esta infinidad

y hay mañanas cómo estás que camino hacia el mar  y al llegar desde la orilla veo el gran mar que nos divide y te veo a ti
y sonrío y se que estás  ahí vivo lleno de vida, imperfecto pero real con sangre que fluye, y muy callado con mente tan llena y te quiero gritar
te amó
nunca te olvides venga lo que venga

Y todavía te amó aunque esta sea nuestra realidad pero se si queremos la podemos transformar

All will be well
I do not know how
but i do not need to know
i am done worrying about the things
I cannot control
All will be alright
rest, the road will clear
the hours will pass
the next day will come
and life’s love for you will
blossom in your heart
the light through your window
will testify to that
curve your back and rest your head
the night calls your cheek to the pillow

Me gusta poesía en español
me recuerda a los momentos en mi adolecía  cuando my madre y yo íbamos solas a la playa
cuando mojadas nos acostábamos sobre la arena leyendo Sor Juana o Neruda

Me gustan las guitarras
me calman
siempre ha ávido músicos en la familia
para mi no es casa sin música
sin que alguien cante o toque algo
Segovia, Metallica, Violeta Parra, Led Zeppelin, Caetano, Ry Cooder, Pedro Infante
baladas, corridos, salsa, bachata, samba, cumbia
no hay alegria hasta que se libera el cuerpo sobre la pista de baile o en la cocina con una cuchara de palo batiendo el mole poblano
mi sangre mixta a heredado tantos sabores
y tanta riqueza de ideas y colores
que no cambiaria nada
me gusta a mi quien soy
y quiero seguir creciendo
y amando ser una ser humano

I write every circling thought so that it leaves me and exits
becomes its own kingdom of possibility  released like stream from a natural hot spring into the ether of the all
tethered for all time until life brings it forth
with birth
what I do is liberate
and the rest remains in gestation in the belly of life

I do not always have to do it alone
I always felt I had to but I am more open to receiving help now; I am more open to resting my head over a shoulder and admitting my own limitations
I am not ashamed of being imperfect I am blessed by it because I can see that I am just like everyone else
and I like that ordinary people can do extraordinary things together
nourishing one another for as long as skin, body, and who knows maybe even spirit goes

I know it was rough waiting
I know it must of just not seemed worth it
when the world can be so simple
easy if you just let go

I was not born here
It was not as simple as “come as I please” here there are different ways of doing business
legal matters are all in a language I am barely functional in

they were not excuses
just the reality of me
not the fantasy or the dream
but another very real aspect
of accepting me for who I am in my totality
and that description includes “a girl who is just not from here”