I’m not alright
My brain and I are in a constant fight
My body wants to rest
But I can’t stop moving even when I’m out of breathe
Get up, show them your stable
Stay busy, close to people
Slowly baptizing myself in safety
But never fitting in, the past making me feel too different, too unhappy.
I’m trying but failing when I’m trying to trust
Men don’t make it easy; they don’t want to be friends they’re just full of lust.

You know I don't trust,
You know I'm scared to be left in the dust
You know that men were never nice, You know that they have all been risky with MY life
You know I'm scared of yelling and raised voices
You know I'm scared of conflict where I need to make choices
You know you leaving me would destroy me
She didn't know it would be herself for' who in the end shes in grievance for because even though she got her breath back, she still can't breathe

She knows life only gets better from here on out,
if she could get out of her brain where she keeps anxiety and doubt

The little girl who was always first to help,
smile on her face as she opened doors, was craving for nothing other than to be held.

A home was no place to hide,
her little heart always racing from all of the grown up fights,

She stood out for asking questions instead of following demand,
knowing deep down she's doing the right thing by making a stand.

She was never given quite enough time or attention;
slowly she became an angry girl who became scared of her reflection and was always punished back to home due to school suspensions

everyone left as she grew up so she learnt to give and please,
for as long as she gives, she'll have the attention and audience shell ever need.

You don’t want to die.
No.
You want happiness.

You want to wake up in the morning feeling alive with each breath that comes easily and weightless; You just want stop feeling like this is a nightmare you can’t wake up from.

The possibility of happiness manipulates you into thinking you can have it then, inconveniently at the most in opportune time reminds you that happiness is just not something you can have no matter how deep the yearning you have to submerge yourself in it; happiness is there, all around yet just out of reach so that you can see but never manage to have it.

You’re hopeless, alone in a cold darkness that suffocates you, leaving you breathless and isolated from others by past wounds that wont heal.

At times you’re overwhelmed, like a deer in headlights you can’t move; feeling paralyzed not knowing what to do, say, think, should you sit? Waiting until you “unfreeze”
you’re frozen in an attempt to pullaway from an invisible hand that has a tight grasp of your upper arm. Eventually it releases its hold allowing you to move once more leaving you to now wondering, lost on what to do .

Sometimes you’re trying to find reason to live, more reasons than your kids. If it weren’t for the kids you wouldn’t be here. You have tried so many times. But are left to fight for yourself. You’re all you can depend on in the end. Whenever that will be.

I’ll say your name and wait for your voice but the answers I get are silence and grief.
Without you my heart will freeze to crystals of the deepest blue;
for you painfully won this game of hide and seek.
I’ve called the last and final, “where are you?”
There will be no more now that you’ve gone somewhere I cannot reach.
I will wait till the day that you and I once again meet. I’m sorry my fur baby. I’ll get through hopefully, if not barely.