Rip off the mask
To see what’s underneath

Not a woman or a man
Who am I, if I am not me?

Floating abyss surrounding
Fleeting moments abounding
I’ll look into the mirror again
So long until my face changes shape

Here I wait
For my reflection to scream back my name
(but it never does)

Is my body just a shell for my brain?
Empty and hollow and vain?
Pin ****** Pain
Ugly
     Horrid
             fat and lame

No one shall see me
For I am no one also

And no one could be me
But I never thought so

I want to feel your skin graze mine
hot and lazy
in the summer afternoon
light and delicate

as if almost on accident
as if almost on purpose
as if almost in love

I want wet kisses that stain the curve
of my neck from the lingering presence of your lips
The breeze caressing and cooling the marks you've left behind
Trailing goosebumps up my spine

I want to feel your warm tacky fingers sticking to my thighs like you've just messily eaten something sweet
Moving like slow molasses
Melting me in the humid heat

I want to stay right there
with the summer sunlight trickling through the window blinds
With a dull sitcom on TV
The cued audience laughter
muted in my mind

Playing my faux innocence
in that dreadfully pleasurable
moment of yearning for you
forever

Please don't throw me away
Even though I'm broken beyond repair
I just want to be with you
Even though I'm scared
Please don't throw me away
Because there's only so much
I can take
And these pills don't swallow

I know that I am trash
And I never will be great
I'm subpar
A mediocre girl to be forgotten
In a melancholy world full of hate

I know that I am garbage
Everything I do is wrong
Little things- they overwhelm me
Even as I write this song
And creatively it's better to be low
These landfills fill
But nothing else

I know I am useless
As I sit here writing these words
I know they're not going anywhere
Because I'm not going anywhere
But still I write

I know I am ****
As the crumbled up pieces of my heart surround me
The ink smudging from my tears
I realize they're worthless
Scraps no one will ever see

But I still won't throw them away

Will I always want to die early?

A head on collision
Fractured skull with my brain seeping out like oil -black gold
A robber with a gun
Carpet stains forever -the realtor will claim it's wine
A tumor
Cells they're multiplying -a death by creation
Spontaneous combustion
The stench of my body's blackened burning flesh -actually smells pretty tasty
Drowning
Gasping my life's last breath as I scream muted screams and water poetically fills my lungs - shimmering bubbles float to the top

My mother sobbing and cutting herself for months
My father goes insane and shoots himself in the head in my room
My sister cries herself to sleep and wishes she would have seen me more
My best friend doesn't talk for years
My boyfriend throws up at the thought of my death everyday while his parents claim god will make everything okay

Or they'll all write best selling novels on how they survived my awful tragic death

And no one will ever read my poetry


Will I always want to die early?

I awoke changed

I could fly

But then
a small boy caught me
in his net of lies

Flakes of azure drifted to the floor as I deteriorated beneath his oily fingertips revealing the transparency that lay underneath
It made me weak
Then began the tears

And no longer could I fly
with these rips in my wings
And he left me there
To die dehydrated in the heat of the sun
Not close to shelter
Not close to anyone

But then
You found me

I don't know how

You took care of me
Gave me water
Built me a garden
Where I could crawl around

Like I used to when I was a child
And it's started to help with the pain
After awhile

And even though I can never fly again

I live azure
I love you
You saved me
You'll always be a friend

We were both writers in a way
Both clever
Both artists and madmen
Disconnected from reality
Lost in translation
Bent with broken backs
From carrying the weight of humanity's misunderstandings

Yet somehow
We found our eyes for each other

I could finally see

That my capability for love was not broken
You were just looking for me

Her madness is not beautiful
it makes her cold and unfamiliar
she isn't a real girl
and I doubt she'll ever be

She's a witch that uses glamor
it covers up her lack of empathy

She likes to play the victim and she likes to place the blame
She likes to judge others and uses them to seek her fame

She's a witch that uses glamor
am I the only one who can see?

She's cannibalistic a eater of souls and hearts
because she's heartless
although it doesn't seem


Her candy covered house lures you to that scene

and everyone knows what happened to Hansel and Gretel

So, why do you still believe?

The salt water washed away my face
As I made love to the man in the moon
In a gentle tide
I felt out of place
From the turbulence of the open sea chaos was my life
But his light bathed me

The sea glowed with a somber incandescence
The sea calmed almost to a halt
The sea slowly simmered within me
Burning

Me and The Moon

The storm was finally gone

I'm good at making lines
and never ending them
Forever swinging on
life's daft pendulum
Even in the ice and snow
A girl like me is never cold
Even when there's nothing left to give
And nothing left to show
No pen to write with
and I'm all alone  

I'm good at making lines and never ending them.

He's a sigh the wind carried away

Faint and distant
Like letting three words
linger too long on a quiet breath

Barely there

No one hears and they disappear

you know they were real...

...Warm and solid
Heated by the spit under your tongue.

Quick and sudden
He melts on my tongue

In a short subtle embrace
relief comes in the strangest wave

And I sigh

A million souls
Are trapped inside a body
Each a shred of your own personality
Making up the person that is you
A tormented hell,
But God lives there too

Is like seeing color for the first time in a grey world
It's like fueling the hot ember city that turns the log towards entropy
The pleasant and gentle disarray that all matter longs to be
It's like hearing the grandiose ocean waves, a whole biosphere, packed inside the small space of a seashell
It's like thick warm milk
It's like soft rich green grass
that was made for picnics in the hot sun
It's like rain on a july summer night the kind of rain you can lay in and never feel cold
It's the purr of a cat
And the way silver necklace chains feel as the cold metal sinks into your skin
It's the smell of wisdom in old books and home in fresh baked bread
It's the safety and protection of a hand hold
It's an indescribable pureness


It's Bliss

I think I've lost it
My creative spark
I try to be different
But **** that **** is hard
You have to write
They tell me things about
Running water and faucets
But I swear to you it's turned off
because
I really think I've lost it

Maybe when I'm dead is when I'll be discovered
"Miss Walts of the technical age"
Someone will find my art and say "wow she really got it she really had it you know she was brilliant, a genius, truly great"
The best version of myself will then be shown
The romantized self analyzed by doctorates and lab coats
They'll all wonder what I really mean
And I'll be gone
Gone so they can't ask me
They'll mold me into a piece they really want
After death I'll return as a pawn
Crooning the voice of the people of our age
We all scream
"I'm not good enough
And because of this I cannot do a thing!
I can only make art from depressive relief.
Society is telling me everything to believe.
I can't think for myself for the life of me do not ask me a question because I never think!"
A self medicated self asbsorbed zombie
"No one has it worse than me."

The acid in my stomach starts to boil Hot blood in my vains curdles to a coil something hits my nose like sour milk; A three year spoil

You are a friend never trustworthy
A friend never loyal

They live there

In a pit
In the middle of my bed

Underneath the comforter and fitted sheets
And white flowers in baby blue
In between the springs and the stuffing

Sometimes they go as deep as the bed frame too

A hole deep down into the floor
Where the carpet just splits in two
Where it is cold and wet
But mold still grows
And I still think about you

They live there

They pull me back in everytime
It's not something very new to me
Because they've been feeding off me my whole life

They drink my blood like leeches
Even when I'm pale and drained
I'm so used to this I'm just speechless

But don't ask me to get up
Never ask me to get up
Because I'm still stuck in bed
from all this

Pain

Give me something to hold on to
Other than repeating the same
Mistakes

Why do I do this to myself
I do it all of the time
You put me back on your shelf
So then I'm hurt and "remember to Rhyme!"

Is it for the sake of art
Or is it for the sake of love?

I try so hard
But still get none
I try so hard
But I'm still not numb

I'm just dumb
You see at the end of the day I'm just a stupid girl


caught up in compulsion
Stuck in the current of the muddy waters of her own mind
She screams and screams
But the thoughts still take her away

They take her away and she loses herself

Obsessed with another one
Not a man
But an idea

I can't help it
They all only give me so much
I can't help it
They never want to stay
I can't help it
I only want to be enough
I can't help it
I call it love
But it's not the same

Take care of me
Coddle me
Tell me I'm yours
If I told you "I'm broken"
I'd be fishing for compliments
On empty shores

I do not know what to write
I have not for days or months or years
Or since I was born
Because
Some people wish to be free
I do not

I am afraid

I look in the mirror and I freeze
Captivated by my flaws
My ego sneers
"You're not good enough"
"You'll never be good enough"
"No talent no job no lover no family no meaning no purpose no life"

"No wonder why everyone leaves you"

And for a second
My sadness makes me feel real
And
Relatable
Because I am not an
extraordinary beautiful crestfallen angel


I am just a girl who writes ****** poems at 3:30 AM



But still it's the
mild differences
that make me feel
so alone

She writes your name with her tounge
It isn't your name she's attached to
It isn't your words or your eyes or your
smile still saliva slips
to the
Skin of another
Like a ghost it's only a broken record
But you hear it moaning "help me"
Stuck in another dimension
It does not wait for someone to answer
Only helplessly repeats

There is no one inside
She licks an empty shell

There's a power in solitude
When your words can drift in
the wind to be lost forever
To be alone with your thoughts and
to not go insane
To look straight in the eyes of the sun and not
be blinded by brightness

power is not paper

Power is to be alone
and not feel lonely

Peculiar and particular
Is how many describe my taste
For if you are not
Perfect
You are a ******* waste.

Maybe to disassociate
Is the only way
"Like maybe that's alright
Maybe it's okay"

But
Then it all hits you at once
Speeding bullet subway train

Your body has been void for years
Your organs have already melted, rotted, and withered
away

And when that happens
There's no going back

You wake up in the morning
Every morning
and
Instead of brusing your teeth
You look in the mirror and ask yourself

Who the **** am I?

And your brain goes empty

So.
utterly.
*******.
bleak.

I miss
The taste of his neck
And the
sound of his smile

The lightness inside his breath
The smell of his sweat
The way the sunlight shone
Through
his hair

I miss him more than
Anything would ever miss
Air

Six years gone
Six years waiting


He still doesn't care.

There is a group of people
They sit in a grey room with no windows and
Try to piece together their grey puzzles

It is silent.

sometimes they
take pieces from each other
only to find they do not fit and are more confused than they were before

Stuck on pride

There has been only one puzzle the whole time

It is true we are our own worst enemy
But
Can you even find where that piece hides?

She wishes she were a tree
She wouldn't have to think
She wouldn't even have to breathe

The birds start to sing
The sun starts to rise
Everything starts to feel hollow

I wait for my candy house to melt
The ceiling drips and
The walls are getting thinner
I can taste them on my lips

I bathe in remembrance

Then the sugar starts to boil
B u r n i n g
It hardens on my skin

I was born for the noose
Because I love to hang my head
I don't do much with my life
*Except wish that I were dead

Staring at the ceiling wanting to go to Bed
I could start to fall asleep now if I could only find my
Head

Lead
In my mechanical pencil trying to fit inside your picture perfect stencil
I color you in

Are we ghosts or are we just animals?

Playing in the attic
watching stale t.v.
Television stattic
The best thoughts - they come at 3AM
When no one is awake because no one has taken them

It's something beautiful that no one wants
Dandelion ****
My brain is empty most of the time but wakes and knows when to feed

We all just tell people what they want to hear
We're just going through the motions
I'd rather die than work 9-5
Strap bricks to my feet and throw me in the ocean

Let the waves crash over my
head

Are we ghosts or are we animals?

Are we really alive or are we
dead?

Take me
Make me
Feel alive again
I have nothing left
But clichés

Her body was made of frosted glass
You could see all of her muscles and tendons working inside in perfect unison like clock gears
when she breathed or
smiled

Somehow

This made you believe she was human

Cleanse me

Wash away these sins
Let them disintegrate into the cool water
As I float like a child cradled in the womb of a loving mother
Free from the dirt that never left my feet

Drown me

These sins were never mine.

It's only until you are broken you are free.

My skull is made of glass.
I'm afraid there's nothing in there.

A small machine
Like a wind up toy automatically running
and
when you forget to twist

The body stops entirely.

I am nothing
I want nothing

I do nothing
I do not even breath
I do not feel cold or hungry or hot
I love and hate nothing

Only the things that I know I am supposed to

The world rotates on without me
And I am stuck spinning
Like a top in a dream or a movie
Round and round and round

I do everything
For everyone
I am still empty

Spinning spinning spinning

I am nothing

You take her to an action movie
And take her to dinner
Then you drive her home
And you talk about the movie  
And laugh

It's always red hot fun
Touching a burner when your mother told you not to

It's the same every weekend
Sometimes she starts a fight about pigs, pearls, and forgotten dates
You don't listen

You both only ever saw glass
Thick, dark, and impermeable

you never thought to ask
why we never fall in love anymore

But it's just fine
When you're bored
There's always another waiting