sometimes
you just
sit there asking
yourself
if you're
okay.

''are you okay?"

I sit
and breathe,

and a few
tears
form.

i'm smiling,

and I just like
to hear
a few
crickets
dancing
in
the leaves.

now that
they're
no
longer screaming

the only thing stopping you from greatness is the fear that
others
won't find you great

I sat at a stoplight and my brain thought of nothing

I ate a subway sandwich as I farted In the cold and my cat drank liquid ****, i thought of nothing
I ***** a muffin and ****** 3 boyscouts and thought of nothing.
I ran a mile and picked my nose with greasy toes and thought of the state of the union. I voted.nothing. I passed away from a cold and pled guilty. **** human rights. Pigs won me over for the greasy ham. I slap it down with 3 jokers. I went talking whilst texting a joker in the day, her parents are dead and so am I.

highly evolved

highly advanced

16 cents in the pants  --  at the laundromat --  
with a taco   from   Jorje's

pinanpple
soda
and a churro.

   2 crows staring at you.

someone going on about the 'poison'.

''I HAVE A TUMOR''

and     creak your mouth  in general sadness.    washed hands in the grate outside  behind the lot behind the 2 ft  statue   of a civil leader.


backbending,
trying to lick yourself,
and succeeding.

up to 30 pull ups -- when the average man can't do one,  nice.


cold fingers
space heater

darts at the board.


sexless,-
******* 16 times--

dating profiles
half-open smile
sultry
eyes

3 toes
amputated ,  one in the box,  one for Christmas,  one for new year,  and one for now.


I  pull myself *****.

You shield yourself.

you  walk out.

you   kiss     the dead man ,  after  he succumbs to his afflction.

you provide the warmth.

you read  a magazine.


you   put on a   flowery dress.


you  call up   your   mother.


you dance in the afternoon.


you  rise with the
sun

I think my problem is less about confidence and more to do about my apathy. I don't really think I give much a **** about anything and how I present myself and how im perceived, but then that also includes the way I see myself.  Do I matter enough to showcase my life and *******? There's such a saturation of material of all sorts that I struggle to justify my output. I could just do it for myself but then the nihilist in me says why bother? Its an eternal struggle, but beer helps in these situations. Makes me feel like I do matter, self important. I can even write letters to myself.  Hello self. I am so fine.  I wipe off the dust on my mirror and sing.  I get over it,  but there's room for all sorts of **** in this tank.  No one is bringing their masterpiece with them to the abyss, but some try.  So I don't

Alone in every sense.
I read to my self my words that sit crumpled.
I pick up a gay rose and eat it.  No where to go but up.  Down is a destination too. You learn a little bit more about yourself when you're down. My legs snap like a watermelon,  the putrid **** is stitched in my clothes.  Valiant hands salute. I spit on your flag. I spit on tyrants. I spit on collectives with no instilled values other than consumption. I laugh at every opportunity.  I  feed the mouse that sits in a log. It's been a long day and my eyes hurt.  Someone is yelling me that isn't me.  My head hurts too. Who knew

Plotting everyday

Only thing keeping me sane.
You're not real.
My thoughts are somewhat real.
Consciousness is an illusion.
I melt into the infinite.
My dreams are uncertain.
Pacing the escalator to heaven.
Pierced by apathy.
Armed with anger.
Dripping with malice.
I'll find a way.
Losing it all
Means I win.

packing a bag     in the dead air


few in the bin
and the oven
on half turn.


smith playing angeles-

have yet to call the maid.


stapled up from yesterdays attempt.


broke n   glass and three ***** of yarn   --


buried the dove
yesterday    as  I shed a tear for her

Was on top of a hill sort of mountain in a wooden castle and started  carrying wood to the bottom of the hill to a location at the end of a long strip of gravel road. There I began stacking the wood.
At some point someone called the police on me because I assume I looked like a transient stealing wood with my shirt off.
Back at the fort I saw police cruising by, one faintly a woman, so I ran back to the wood pile. There I found a shed with assorted food items mostly canned stuff which I presume was left in case of an emergency or just stored by passerbys and people donating.
Then at some point I saw a *** with a shaved head in an alley nearby, he said
"Are you new? Is this your first time?"
I looked back with a scornful look
"It's been a week"
"Nice cannibal corpse shirt" he muttered as he puckered his lips walking towards me and then finally touching me.
I then reached out and grabbed his neck and choked with all my might and then proceeded to punch him numerous times, but he kept advancing towards me.
I then grabbed a football helmet laying on the ground and proceeded to bash him in the head with it, crushing it, and his head somehow became decapitated in the process and rolled away so I put it on top of his belly.
I then woke up around this time and went to get wood for a fire

I wish we could just go back to the days of nerdy dads wearing sandals and moms with high waist levis and floral wall paper and pristine cement and clear skies and reporters with paisley ties and teachers with vests and grandmas with cookies and kids with blue shirts because im ******* tired of everyone suddenly being an 'artist' and quirky 'creative'.
If there was no audience or followers youd still be ******* talking about a sitcom or panini you ate, now you just share it

when things get too heavy or your problems seem insurmountable to overcome, make a list.

  I love making lists.
Start easy.

1. Go ride a bike tomorrow

good, you're getting some cardio

2. spend at least 30 minutes in the sun everyday

now you're getting vitamin D

3. give up alcohol and ciggarettes

Now you're giving you body a chance to heal and detoxify.

4. Get a better job.

You can do this. This is the ******* one usually, but having an income gives a sense of intrinsic usefulness. You're contributing something, even if it's a sandwich to someone's mouth.

5. save up money.

Good, getting some money in the bank for some financial stability and to provide a safeguard in case of disaster

6. find a loving girlfriend.

need companionship for longterm mental health, we can't stay alone forever.

7. now keep this up, maintained.

This is usually where I start my list again.  
I'm tired of the fallbacks, and the hindsight anguish.
Someday
happiness will
last, but for now the list is my comfort

e v e n in g




e v e n in g

passing  b y


pa ss ing by


gett ing

your head
******* on tight,

ba  be
with the stockings


so white-


don't play games
tonight


........

breaking
the moon in half so i can see it in all its glory

crumbling dust

I look at the star 50,000 light years away.

I ask,

why did your father put me here?

Female, 18, white
5 ft 7 in, Toned
Incall
USA > California > Anaheim place
Donations
Girlfriend Next Door💙

30mins:200
60mins:350 Msog
90mins:500 Msog

GFE baby
Bbbj
Daty
Dfk
+50 cim
+50 cof
+100 greek

Why do I continue to keep in touch with this person?
Why do I fail to remember all the misery and dysfunction
and anxiety induced in being confined to a plainly doomed situation?

Why do I need to be friends with this person? why can't I just
let the hate fester like most?
I am too empathic and compassionate
and genuinely want the best for this person even though they scammed
my credit card less than 2 weeks ago


I should be caving in their car window
and throwing a molotov cocktail through their house,
or leaving a
       note;

why do I go back?
why do I feel like I can get the time back that was lost

why is it every time
that a girl laughs i assume they're laughing at me?

big boisterous,
hearty laughs that shake the whole house.

laughing at me
or the idea of me

i laugh too

cruel to me

cruel to me


cruel
to me

CRUEL

to me

cruel
to me

cruel to me

let me speak

let me speak


let me have the final word
one time

one one

time


the silence
is hurting me

and i've suffered enough

i've been slapped in the kneecaps
and humiliated

i'm a dog

you've
won

let
me
just
speak    so i know what
my voicee sounds like
and
whether it's good enough

she blocked me finally, well I did first, but she had the last word.
2.1 years gone.
Some say the best way to look at it is as though it was a chapter.
What did you learn?
And if nothing, there's always a new story

so my grandpa died.  I didn't really know him.    He played guitar and taught me Tears in heaven.
he had a star tattoo he got in '49.

He drove a jeep-

he had 2 cats,
   and liked to sing gospel choir.

his room had floral
curtains.

he had a shotgun that i shot.

I liked him.  Not everything is profound

I just liked him

beep bop
,sklap a sklap
skeep
BEEPPPP
BEEEP
SAMPLED amen break here and a tempo change, SKREEP SKREEP SKREP

then It fades to an a-minor bridge where angelic chords sing and a moon rises
then it goes fast again
SKREEP SKREEP
SKRRROOOOP

ayyy yaaahhhhh
'baby
baby baby light my way' ';;;;  no more suffering.  life is too short
to
d
I
e

I cooked her a bowl of rice
with some sausages slathered in butter. The rice hadn't
been washed
so it turned into a sort of mush.
I'm a generaly pretty accomplished cook being that it's been my profession the last 10 years, but this was embarrassing.
She ate it anyway though and started clinking the bottom of the bowl with her spoon
indicating she really enjoyed it
"Thank you, I really enjoyed that" she said and
then kissed me

It was the first time a man ever cooked for her.
normally she'd get ******
and have Burger King nuggets after.
I made  her 10 cent rice and then ****** her
but also cared somewhat
too

Quit my job today, the phone
rings and it's transcribed to me, desperation, but they cut my hours so
I don't give a ****.

I'm barely coherent I feel and this poem is awful. Lacking soul. I've lost my soul and confidence. My self esteem is nothing. I am less than fly ****, I am frothing maggoty waste.
I am a skid on the road after the rolling head barked at me.

I lost my love and so I lose my mind. I wish words could help me.  This last fit will
do me in

Always stuck,
always searching
Always condemned, always writhing in agony as the ropes of hell
tighten around my

neck.

Always questioning,
Always forgetting,
That the truth is usually a lot less interesting than the lie.
Some men go insane, most just die

Just a perpetual sadness
Pure light out here;
In total illumination
And the darkness settles further into my
Cage
I am
A hospitable host

The raccoon reached out with its little paws trying to pick off an apple from the tree.
I then picked up the aluminum bat and whacked it right into the skull and heard it whimpering as it floundered down the porch steps.
These apples took 3 years to grow & cultivate.
  Don't steal my apples, and that applies
To the children outside as well

I'll forget this in an hour


just   like  a dead rose on the table,

or a box     of  
wrist watches.


I'll forget
I even wrote

''Jupiter   in bloom makes
for a                                   lovely  airspace''

Running shoes,
just like   the profile   ,  and the pictures,
and the posts,
and the blood  ,  and membrane
and procedures on the   cranium

baggage   without   ever carrything anything.


the load is yours.

& you'll   either live by it ,
or you don't.

      I choose neither.

When your head is packed with garbage & there's an unrelenting ache there actually comes a certain clarity,;
I can't concentrate on anything because I'm just trying not to die, thus 99% of living becomes superfluous and you focus on the pertinent, which is not dying, like I stated

when I was older


I crammed it in gently . I sat back and yawned . I fled thru the forest in a blaze . I bellowed out in agony. I flipped over the bench. I spat the puke. I itched the back. I sprayed the cologne. I beat the poet. I beat the fool. I said ''ONLY THE GIANT IS ALLOWED''. I danced incoherently in the pool sun. I baked your cake. I ''died young''. I FINGERED THE JAM. I sped out of control
I didn't care.


I wanted purpose to be an accident

If you turn the **** to the right there's a password that will let you in
It is 'screwdriver25'
Did you get it? Ok good
Now look at the floor and sit down and tap your nose we will examine the
Ediface.

It takes time to be born,
It takes time to walk in circles, I'm still over
Here

naked & afraid

Yo, it's 3 o clock, what you doin
Straightening out this bent piece of aluminum for the insects at dawn.
Your face is reminiscent of hepburn.
One fifth left.
5 days left, here, then back at it. It's nice to be here again, seeing the trees and the streets.
I will walk the school tomorrow and see if I've really changed. I'll see if my anarchy carving is still on the bench.
I'll see the mud mound I played football on. I'll see where I got my pb&j in the morning. I'll see where I thought I would never change and where I'd never grow old.
Beautifully naiive and sweet. But I could no longer be sweet. I had to be smart

And the best are about sandwiches and windows. The words do not care about me and I do not own them

plasma

  on the wall



a           few tears for the ones who   didn't make it


.


i can't hate.

i can't hate   anymore.


I hurt myself


i cursed my self,

i sabotaged    my own  life--

and threw away my opportunity.

i kicked out people
who cared-
and   insisted on  fighting for me.


But  I thought I knew better.

now i'm paying for it --   and the dull ache     in my head  haunts          me  ,

and the dim
shadow


  entices   me

"Megadeth is my favorite band" she said.
Megadeth is absolute trash but I appreciated the fact she even liked metal.
She sat outside with me and we smoked the American spirits she made me buy and we talked about her recent overdose.
"Yeah I was gone then woke up like a from a deep sleep. Scares me to think that nothing might happen when you die"
She was shivering since it was cold outside and my 2xl hoodie looked ridiculous on her yet so cute and endearing. I pulled her in for a kiss, and tasted strawberry from her lip gloss. Her black raven hair unfurled in my lap, and I embraced her in the dim stairwell. I then guided her back to the room while holding her hand, and we proceded to take our clothes off. She had numerous scars on her hip, years and years of self harm. I showed her my own arm and she laughed.
"That's ***** ****" she said
I grabbed a pocket knife and made her cut me.
"What the **** are you doing you ******? Oh my gaahd"
"You called me a *****, so I had to prove myself" I said while laughing maniacally.
I then pooled the blood on my finger and licked it and she skulked over and ****** it too.
"Sorry for making you do a boo boo" she said with a cheeky grin.
"No problem babe"
I then began kissing her neck while cradling her head in my hand and felt her heavy exhales as I made my way down to her *******. I suckled on her ******* and saw her eyes rolling back and goosepumps form on her chest. After some moments I picked her up and threw her down on the bed like a playful brute and started kissing her thighs. Her hands grasped my hair and when I finally reached her **** she was practically tugging my hair from my scalp.
"Ohhhhh right there. Soo good" she bellowed out.
I kept massaging her **** with my tongue until I finally just began ******* it, and inserted a finger and stroking inside her.
She was really moaning now, and I continued until her whole body was trembling, and her knees practically choking me.
Then I eased on her and she fell back panting, and I cuddled with her for a moment, stroking her hair, and cupping her breast in my hand.
SpongeBob was on and we both found that silly.
After a few moments, she slid down the bed and put my **** in her mouth and I closed my eyes and told it her it was good.
Just relaxing. She ****** on my ***** a bit too and she reminded me of a chipmunk with her full cheeks. I giggled. After about a minute, I propped a pillow under her belly and put my full weight on top of her (6'3, 210ibs) and entered in her. She was so tight and every ****** made me want to erupt.
"YAASS DADDYYY! YASSSS DADDY **** ME DADDY!!" She shouted.
I pressed her face into the pillow
"Shut up" I laughed.
I heard her muffled moaning through the pillow, and with every ****** her voice would vibrate in an amusing fashion.
I was about to *** and really pressed in against her with her head tight in my arms like a chokehold.
"ooh I'm gonna *** babe" I whispered
"Yes please. Yes" she responded.
After a few more deep thrusts, I got up to my knees and pressed her mouth to my **** and exploded in her mouth. Every pulse of my **** released another torrent of ***. She looked surprised
"Swallow it babe"
She hesitated for a second then swallowed.
" I don't usually swallow, but I guess I already ****** your blood haha"
After that, I kissed her and we watched SpongeBob some more.
We laughed hysterically at the 'CHOCOLATTTTEEE!!!!!!!' guy.
After about an hour I bought her some taco Bell and dropped her off. We kissed, and she walked into her mom's apartment.
She's since OD'd off of opiates, and I remember the nothing she spoke of often when I sleep, like you weren't even there.
Like a phantom with no residence. and I've since tried listening to megadeth but it still *****. I do like peace sells though babe xoxo and I hope nothing is at least blissful wherever it is

stepping thru it


stepping


gently

on it--


her hand
is cold-


and her lips are tight


blue emblem
in the crest.



speeding down the road -- your blue bug
is going
the limit

tight roap walker

dancer  to pay
the bills


i'm not one to judge

dimly lit room                                 ;  I hear a cloud pass by;           tip toe
down the planks,  drip.


Stirring in some salt -         3 hours on simmer, touching  a blank canvas,
seeing through a haze after the fog
has rolled away.

You ask '' for whom?''      you're enshrouded by a black husk, contorted like a cashier face.

plugged into a jet-stream, forward moving, forward thinking,
backward  living, one of a billion concurrent movies projecting  an old worn out film.

I walk around a while.


I go walking in the woods and crunch the leaves. Cars pass by and I walk past.  A broken-shed, with broken windows, but no life.

no liveliness in this walk. No chirping, or buzzing,  just some hammering in the distance.

I sit down and pick up a stone. A crystal.   It gives me a faint-energy.   I  rub off the moss,
  and I toss it into the
mist .  Nothing in my head. I  don't want to be here anymore

i puff on  a popcorn  scented vape

i tilt the fan like so

i look out the blinds

and see a guy strutting around like elvis

i see an old lady
with her 80s Walkman
picking up her dog ****

i see a mailbox that's full and full of amazon junk

i see a cloud whose belly is full
and is ready to spill on the grass

i see a dead ******
on the dirt
i see a horses' dung

i see a
yellow banana dangling from the 2nd story

i see a childs' guts
on the asphalt

I see a 3000 ft ice cream cone

I  see the face of god

I've seen it all

what now

ripped off
a fletcher,
lizard kin and bleeding, hysterectomy
who know there's 52 in a bottle
squished

blue indigo father Dunlop- hideos in the qeua you paint by numbers and pick from your thistle jar, hairless luck
meow muskrat ****

Feeding the geese in a storage pocket
Fasten up your hands
The wide open window doesn't screen
nor do I yell at them.
Bludgeon them with a sickle,
Take out my eyes and put in a new soul.
I want to dream like Moses in a ****** sea

blank for 3 good lines



I went looking for fires in the mildew air In January like leaflets after a holocast
The first to go is the mosquito. I caught you cheatin,
Hanging in the closet are your pearls, hanging in the yard are your swine.
I don't care to know you

I love my cat
because she hates me.

she brings home half-mutilated mice
and crickets
and throws them on my bed.

I yell at her then I pet her.

I spent a whole $100 on her which is a lot of money;

if she leaves tomorrow, I understand.

please just don't go with the black cat

1 great poem for every
5 **** ones
1 good for every
3 crap ones
1 immortal for
Every
40
0
Okay ones

0
Nothing
Ones

0
  Wallpaper poems

Too astute. Honey in a jar. Loaded with cement and tablets of oxy. 4 fingers and 3 amputations, she lays in agony, curled up and her eylids clasped. Red door full opens and so do the sojourners into the red lobby. They spelled your name wrong. They spelled it backwards, and now you must go back into the light little girl, back to get your wings, back to tip toe in silence. Without tears

Addicted to my phone. It used to mean you were a nerd loser when you stared at a screen for an incomprehensible amount of hours, now it's the standard condition.
I ******* with my phone in my hand and lick the screen of the salty *** like all hetero men of today. I watched newly born kittens fed to pythons. I watch a beheading In Brazil as the guy gets his nuts bit off by a dog and is fed his own tongue. I watch reruns of whose line is it anyway, with cinnamon toast crunch like a man child because that is the zenith of existence. Never bleeding, only breathing in recirculated air. Your ***** are as weak as a clump of mud. You sold yourself to watch more screens, you knew it meant dulling The pain, but prolonging the horror of an infinite circuit ******. What was the point, when you could have just died? You could have seen the real lights

Writing to a pig in the dirt
To a duck hanging by a ceiling fan
To an **** full of *** and a belly withering in December heat
To a clown singing duality
To a niece jumping rope tommorow
To a grandma ******* on caramel
To a giraffe eating chocolate
To a ****** praying to Solomon
To a chunk counting to forty three
To a mother breastfeeding an ape
To a man
******* a fetus
To a poet crying in an aquarium
To a hobo
Drinking two qaurts of bleach
To a teen sprouting fuzz on a grey sweater at night.
I watch with both eyes.
The red omen is near so dont say that you're a
blind balloon. Who wants a copy.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

..



.
.


.
.
.
.
z I p

Im followed by the flies. I killed about 16 of them. I bury them in toilet paper then flush them. I drink my water and sit on my bed. Today was a blur. my coworker is dying and it bums me out. I dont really like him but I dont like to see needless suffering. And other things are getting me down. I am lonely lately and I have no real ambition anymore. I look outside and see Saturn. I see the millennia of refracted light. I see the boulders on the hill and the clouds in the distance. I see the tree still standing because it needs to. I will try to stand too

Took a picture head-on on instagram
no filters
No angles
Not a smile

i was happy
It's a step towards real

It doesn't hurt

I get sad seeing pictures of her with the new guy,
rubbing his back
and kissing etc etc.

I'm a ******* I guess in the sense that I search this stuff out intentionally.

I need to know how she's doing and apparently she's doing well.

but I see in the eyes of the wimp a very familiar expression.

he just recently went down on her and now he wants out and is feigning his affection.
   he's been drained of his money to buy frivolous ****.
  he's been punched in the gut for saying an innocuous joke.
he's been forced to clean up her 3 dog's piles of **** and stay up to 5 am arguing on a work night because of a manic episode.

    She is unlovable
but I somehow loved her, and for that I must forgive
myself

Crushes me
Rolls me into a ball and flicks me into a dirt mound
I stay there and breathe
dead silence
Hum

cute girl, why do you stand there
Why do you talk about your son's
I'm here and I talk about blue
Shadows
Why do you go that way?

Why do they ****** me when I'm 12 and 14
But want nothing to do with me now?

I know my hair ***** and my nose is big and my eyes are crooked and my skin is ****
But don't expect me to be just sitting here happy

I'm not 'entitled' im a ******* human being

I don't
want to see a grey cloud
I want a *******


Blue sun, blue ocean where no one feels pain

I pluck my eyelashes
You talk 2 Jake. Blued eyed Jake. You've ****** 1000 men but you won't **** me.

I am real I am here, I FEEL


I drag the load. If it means scratching the cell doors , I'll destroy the universe.

You don't exist.

This pain is all thats here and now like infinite  subtraction