What I want to see is more blue, or maybe
Light greyish
Teal
Coated with sparkles
In a reflective aquarium
With eels and sponges,
Then I can go swim with my face facing the fishes like my friends in
    The deepest water, riding a  
bellowing whale to somewhere far far away

Met up with my ex, and I left feeling more alone and isolated. No one person is the answer to your problems nor will they ever complete you.
I'm glad I broke the illusion

I'm alone whilst touching flesh, heart to heart, blood to blood.
Sticks for hands grab at a bended waist and the hair tangles with every ******.
I can now forget to blow out my head, I'll be late anyway

She says I "can't change"

The stuff she wants me to fix is superficial like buying flowers and spending more money on dates.

If that's her measure of love whilst disregarding all the ways I helped her and loved her unconditionally what the **** am I hanging on for?

It's just a shallow justification for her *******, considering she already 'moved on' with another guy a week after our break up

when it's over it's over
and it dies
  months before you even knew it.
women are nature's best actors

Losing my grasp
Agonizing over nothing,
Clinging to a crumbling piece of debris,
I am but a single period within your time.
I am a lonely cloud on a hot day.
I run amok when everyone is smiling.
I am a broken hand and a broken tooth
What I am is the same as yesterday.
Goodbye

I moved on, and it took not caring
All I had to gain was a headache and another year of setbacks
I feel better alone.
I feel more like myself and more content in the silence, and silence is where I grow

Feeding the geese in a storage pocket
Fasten up your hands
The wide open window doesn't screen
nor do I yell at them.
Bludgeon them with a sickle,
Take out my eyes and put in a new soul.
I want to dream like Moses in a ****** sea

I think I believe in God again.  I hated him like I did my own father for a while, but he was always there, I just chose to ignore him and I'm ready to talk again
It's been too long. How's Mom?

I was in love with a feeling.
It was intoxicating and removed me from the state of despair and suffering I was entrenched in. It was relief, it was distraction, and now I'm back where I started.
I'm a little wiser but so what.
I'm a little older too, and I'm running out of time..
I can't keep making the same mistakes

Born alone, die alone
You complimented my life but you didn't complete me; I'll always be unwhole.
You fulfilled my desire and longing but I didn't need you, like how I don't need a fix.
You were the light in the darkness but my eyes can adjust to the black.
You were support to my legs when they were shattered but I'll learn to crawl.
I'll learn to adjust but only because I have to,
not because I ever wanted to

lonely, but that's because I don't like myself.
That's because I wish I had my friend
I would've loved you even if you didn't have a means to satisfy my stupid lust.
I could sit and talk to you and that's all that mattered, and now I'm stuck with myself again
I never learn

And yet here I am making a poem in His honor

Just to see where I go

There is 5 feet of snow outside my door.
There are toppled trees
and mangled branches.
There are fires in a distant hellscape and cannibalized flesh juicy to the touch.
There are mothers clutching infants with hollowed out eyes and distended bellies.
There are tongues cut off and thrown into a barrel.
There are leeches clinging to a healthy man.
There's an ape imitating a man and a monkey ******* on a teenager's nub.
There is a pit of food but no forks.
There is a laughing clown but no comedy.
There is a drooling dog and an emaciated cat.
The fountains filter no more and the leaves rustle in the abyss.
No shade, no shelter, no hope. so
I go back
In my room and lay down

If I was to **** myself, it'd surely be today. I feel hollow as an abscessed heart.
This is why there are alcoholics.
This is why children grow into derelicts.
I can't escape the torment which circles my soul, and only the devil consoles me.

Crumpled up and tossed in the garbage, you had no chance

A heart too big and too much care, you had no chance

Feet that only carry you to a grave, you had no chance

Eyes that see only memories tinged with pain and remorse, you had no chance

Childlike wonder and fruitful vision, you had absolutely no chance

I'm gonna start using women like objects, I'm really over it.
I get ghosted by the women I want and who proclaim will "never leave 💕💕💕" and that I'm their "one and only 🥺🖤" Months lost. This is a world of sociopaths, so what's one more snake

I'm getting what I want now

Some dude named "Dust" would always contact her
"Why don't you just block this guy if he's such a nuisance?" I'd say
"He finds ways of contacting me and he keeps bothering me"
"Yeah, but why do you even engage?"
And she would engage working her little thumbs, amused with the dysfunction.
He was a drug user afterall and incredibly manipulative. I'd hear about this guy all the time and how he was supposedly dangerous and had guns. I'd laugh.  I have guns too and am prone to mental instability but I'm not outwardly dramatic in the fashion he is nor do I really make a show.

But alas, a month or two went by and the relationship wasn't working. I wasn't crazy enough
and when that time came she blocked me.
I reached out one time after and there was no response.
Everybody has a choice, she made hers and Dust is still there in her head somewhere.  Don't be a 2nd

I can't feel my toes due to the lack of a circulated hot air system delivering heat within this space.

My breath blows and is visible like Puzuzu

I take out a solid white piece of paper and make a few scribbles.
The names are written and spell out the
people I used to care about , which is about 1 too many

The day is long in its nothing
I sit with a head wide open

The ants torment
the remains of
a little girl in the kitchen

The feathers fall along the trail

The pit is deep and so is the
longing

Max wants to beat up everyone
He has a lisp and a hunchback.  He thinks everyone actively conspires against him. I ignore him

Today I stole 3 milks more than the usual 1
Even a tangerine

I took the longest **** I could because I feel like I'm being molested on a daily basis and I'm entitled to that time.

I sat with Alyssa in her car while she talked about her boyfriend and the fact that he subscribed to an onlyfans and that she now feels betrayed. if I could put my genitals in her mouth I'd be content in the moment

I got no reason to wake up.
My alarm went off 20 after clock in so I called out sick
I am sick

very

I really want a girlfriend
,.  I think..

But I really just want ***. That is all.

I could lie and manipulate and hit up girls that would gladly have *** with me but they want more and I feel cruel to mislead them.

I wish I didn't have these urges. I want to be alone , but I also want to feel human warmth. It's just never a certainty, even when you're married.
I'm too average for immediate hook ups; It's days of talking for me.
I'll figure out what to do, assuming I've learned anything , which I haven't

Lost again
With a blue cap on in the 20 degree rain
My dog is on a walker

I took a big bite and left some for you

Weve been mistaken for vagrants; that comes with being clean and 23

I was thinking about you
I have my geetar
Play me a song about your sorrows, mostly
Made up

She's a new mother
and she's a beauty

Full of anxiety and uncertainty
I kiss her slow
  and feel the etchings on her arm

We drink a little bit and then do some other stuff.
The TV is annoying so I turn it off

When the day it awakens I remember
That
I never got to meet her,
I only dreamed of her and that's where she'll stay because I don't
get to meet any *******
   manic pixie

I've lost myself so many times

No words

drain goes down

and so do the crumbs of another crowd, hollowed out in
your heart

This is your job

I have a gun behind the oatmeal in the left-hand cupboard.
I like touching it when I scoop oats into my saucepan for further cooking.
Sometimes I **** the trigger and put it in my mouth and perform ******* on it
I want to swallow a gun's load because I'm
gay enough to die

Fake ******* *****
"I'M SO WEIRDDDD, I'M INTO ALL SORTS OF CREEPY **** 🤪"
the second I mention that I collect animal specimens she blocks me
It just hurts because I liked her face
I wanted to wear it

Tapping a phone screen in a yellow room with white walls,
breathing in chemical solution from Tuesday's
mold treatment
The ham sits half eaten, half defrosted.
There are dead women in my head who despite being dead still haunt my soul with vindictiveness.
There is animal hair on the rug and amimal feces in the flower ***.
A horn sprouts up from behind the TV wall.
There is a percolating coldness and it falls over me with the understanding that there is no escape.
My car is in the junkyard, my money
is in a billionaire's pocket,
my sanity is squandered concentrating on vicarious social media delusion.
I am a modern day human and nothing is wrong here.

Always stuck,
always searching
Always condemned, always writhing in agony as the ropes of hell
tighten around my

neck.

Always questioning,
Always forgetting,
That the truth is usually a lot less interesting than the lie.
Some men go insane, most just die

Laid up sick in bed , with 3 rolls of toilet paper at my side
I ******* for the 13th time

There's a bottle of OJ in an iron canteen
and a Mexican
Flute perched in my grandma's arms who sadly succumbed to her
       sorrow

the mucus drips drown and 3 girls wanna **** me. If I didn't have aids I'd **** them tomorrow instead of Wednesday
I
latch onto a common thread
which
Is
don't share too much of yourself
unless you wanna be caught

Lonely
while cuddling a sweet and loving girl.
She sleeps right now beside me holding my hand
I don't know if I romanticize the previous relationship
or if I was always this fundamentally broken
I think I've just faked my way into all these situations
Because I barely feel human
I'm
Only here and they're
there

You find someone special and then they leave.
You find something special and then it disappears, used up.
All comfort is temporary
Accept the pain
And accept the fact that love is transient and fleeting, but that is why it is beautiful
It's not here forever,
It merely visits

Some tweaker came up to me proclaiming himself Jesus Christ and that he alone is responsible for "**** filters and electric wheels"
I nodded and then said
Yeah but I'm God

He didn't like that

1 great poem for every
5 **** ones
1 good for every
3 crap ones
1 immortal for
Every
40
0
Okay ones

0
Nothing
Ones

0
  Wallpaper poems

Just a perpetual sadness
Pure light out here;
In total illumination
And the darkness settles further into my
Cage
I am
A hospitable host

Let the professionals have their $500 vintage typewriters and Mac book pros in sunlit nooks with chirping birds and glacial water coffee and decadent street humming.

Poetry should be written with red eyes at 3:22am in a stuffy room on a cracked smart phone.
There are no rules actually, but it's how
I manage

I'm grateful to be an artist.
As difficult as this life gets, to the point of grappling daily with the prospect of suicide, at least I know what my purpose is.
Most die never having known what they were supposed to do or why they were born.
Let your art be your
guide, and savior. It's the only
One that listens.

I'm a *** loser,
white ni**er,
Chardonnay drinking,

steel reserve swill swallowing sack of pig ****,
road manure,
filthy

stain beneath the *** of a circuis clown.

  If you find me dead,
don't bother alerting the authorities, they don't deserve the hassle
of
sanitizing my waste.

     Let the dirt eat me;
and the field mice
live in my skull.

I will speak to the eternal garden and ride along with the valkyries to hell.
I am an artist and this is my punishment

when things get too heavy or your problems seem insurmountable to overcome, make a list.

  I love making lists.
Start easy.

1. Go ride a bike tomorrow

good, you're getting some cardio

2. spend at least 30 minutes in the sun everyday

now you're getting vitamin D

3. give up alcohol and ciggarettes

Now you're giving you body a chance to heal and detoxify.

4. Get a better job.

You can do this. This is the ******* one usually, but having an income gives a sense of intrinsic usefulness. You're contributing something, even if it's a sandwich to someone's mouth.

5. save up money.

Good, getting some money in the bank for some financial stability and to provide a safeguard in case of disaster

6. find a loving girlfriend.

need companionship for longterm mental health, we can't stay alone forever.

7. now keep this up, maintained.

This is usually where I start my list again.  
I'm tired of the fallbacks, and the hindsight anguish.
Someday
happiness will
last, but for now the list is my comfort

When you've finally acquired everything you wanted
and still feel a bottomless
chasm within your very soul and psyche,
it saps any motivation to want to 'better yourself'.

I could have my dream living in a mansion with a new escort every night and the best *******
and it would inevitably get old.

  The only way to achieve happiness is to give it all up.
Detach from the material world; immerse yourself in your  necessary domestic duties
and pet a cat, or any animal actually.
They have no fear of death
so consult
them

no one becomes an addict overnight;
that's at least the testimony
I hear from ****** addicts and users of other illicit drugs.

I am a mere consumer of alcohol,
benign usually in a small doses but the most destructive
overall in terms of certain statistics.

but here I am drinking every night, and if a day goes by without consumption I get a sort of anxiety knowing
that I'll have to endure the day sober, and what a boring prospect that it is.

It's not that the chemical itself is addictive, which it obviously is, but the main point is escapism.
This life is garbage;
I'm isolated living in a rural ******* ontop a ******* mountain with barely any means to commute considering I'll be snowed in for the next 4 months.

I genuinely feel cursed.
I don't want to fail but all the forces conspire against me. I am bitter and tired
and I feel old.
I've never felt old, but the years now I've begun to count

I was supposed to die at 27, maybe 28 will be my new
lucky number

I feel like no one ever hears me

    I speak
and their eyes glaze over;
maybe I'm polite
but nobody cares about my side of things.

They walk around me
and pretend I'm not there.

will tussle with their **** as I'm sitting there as my shadow pours over them.
I'm not there.

I can sing to a crowded room
and no one's eyes
watch me;
I am truly invisible.   I'm not even sure
I exist, but here we
are

you use my loneliness as a weapon

you reach out only to infest

you're a vicarious ****
, you revel in my sadness,
   the taste is
sweet, and if I'm buried
into my casket you will leap

rid you of me
rid every bit of you

rid you of me
exorcise
these demons from my head

I get sad seeing pictures of her with the new guy,
rubbing his back
and kissing etc etc.

I'm a ******* I guess in the sense that I search this stuff out intentionally.

I need to know how she's doing and apparently she's doing well.

but I see in the eyes of the wimp a very familiar expression.

he just recently went down on her and now he wants out and is feigning his affection.
   he's been drained of his money to buy frivolous ****.
  he's been punched in the gut for saying an innocuous joke.
he's been forced to clean up her 3 dog's piles of **** and stay up to 5 am arguing on a work night because of a manic episode.

    She is unlovable
but I somehow loved her, and for that I must forgive
myself

I love my cat
because she hates me.

she brings home half-mutilated mice
and crickets
and throws them on my bed.

I yell at her then I pet her.

I spent a whole $100 on her which is a lot of money;

if she leaves tomorrow, I understand.

please just don't go with the black cat

up at 4:43 writing a poem as though writing a good one will change anything.
I have 600 poems and nothing has changed.

maybe it allows me to notarize and organize my life in certain stages by writing this stuff
even though I can go months without composing anything.

But maybe I'll say something which finally
       allows me to run naked through the hills.

something which allows me to go behead the president and take a ****
in front of a news camera on the most prominent station.
If I **** my own ****
it's only due to my long neck;
6-7 inches is nothing nowadays when competing with **** in which  every female is a consumer.

I am for sure
going to the post office tomorrow; my book of zen arrives.
It says be water, so I'll run

I cooked her a bowl of rice
with some sausages slathered in butter. The rice hadn't
been washed
so it turned into a sort of mush.
I'm a generaly pretty accomplished cook being that it's been my profession the last 10 years, but this was embarrassing.
She ate it anyway though and started clinking the bottom of the bowl with her spoon
indicating she really enjoyed it
"Thank you, I really enjoyed that" she said and
then kissed me

It was the first time a man ever cooked for her.
normally she'd get ******
and have Burger King nuggets after.
I made  her 10 cent rice and then ****** her
but also cared somewhat
too

it's an odd feeling knowing that I will one day indeed finally end my life.

It's nice knowing that there is some finality, so I have no need to worry.
I just wanna say a few more things
before I go.

Probably the same things a 100 more times then I should be content

living in a home with 6 people like
  some monkey;
no privacy to ******* of
   or
to take a **** without smelling someone's own recent
evacuation.

   I want to fly out the window
and into a  coma.
I want to stick needles up my *******
like Albert Fish and
eat succulent butts.

I was born in 94, the year all my idols died.

I 'm confined to a room and am tired of seeing people. I 'm tired of the noses and faces and furrowed brows and chewed off toenails
and funky
        hair dos.

I wanna be a runaway with no grave marker; still born and as elusive as peace