Looking back, I deserved a kinder goodbye
Looking back, there were so many incompatibilities
Looking back, I had to change myself to fit for you
Looking back, you didn’t treat me how I wanted
Looking back, I had to bend myself to keep you
Looking back, I did everything I could to keep you but you left anyway
Looking back, I still don’t understand why it hurts
Thinking now, I have a guy who treats me like a princess
Thinking now; I have a guy who listens, understands, and comforts me when I need it
Thinking now, I have a guy who seems more compatible
Thinking now, I have a guy who I don’t feel like I need to change myself
Thinking now, I have a guy who I don’t feel like I have to bend myself to keep him
Thinking now, I have a guy who supports me
Thinking now, I have a guy who supports my dreams
Thinking now, I have a guy who supports me following my dreams
Thinking now, I have a guy who appreciates me
Thinking now, I have a guy who is better than you ever could be
So why do I think about you still?
Why does it still hurt?

My life feels like I always take two steps forward then four steps back
I graduate high school when I thought I wouldn’t, two steps forward
I live on my own, two steps forward
I get into college and attend for two years, two steps forward
I then drop out on a whim, four steps back
I take action to try to improve my mental health, two steps forward
I’ve been having mental health problems for nine years now and hasn’t been improving lately, four steps back
Multiple suicide attempts, four steps back
Quitting jobs left and right, four steps back
Relationships failing left and right, four steps back
Everyone leaving me left and right, four steps back
I wish my life wasn’t two steps forward four steps back anymore.

To stand alone is difficult
To battle alone is almost impossible
I’ve been called strong, but it’s hard to be strong alone
I’m tired of keeping my head up high by myself
The amount of times I’ve pleaded to my fathers grave to help me be strong
I know I may be more privileged than others but no one should have to stand alone
No one stands by my side
No one backs me up
I have no one
And yet here I stand alone; trying to make it through today, then tomorrow, and the next
Trying to what’s right
Trying to not seek for approval
Trying to pursue my dreams
But yet I feel as if I’m on an island, team of one
Even though I have people behind me
Ever since last year I never reach out
And so I continue to be a team of one.

I hope my absence hurts you as much as it hurt me when you left
I hope my absence leaves a void that shall never be filled
I hope my absence leaves you feeling unfulfilled
I hope my absence stings like a hornet
I hope my absence feels like putting lemon juice onto a open cut
I hope my absence feels like a broken bone
I hope my absence feels like a dagger cutting deep but not killing you
I hope my absence leaves you in agony
I hope my absence leaves you in anguish
I hope my absence does not bring you peace
I hope my absence does not bring you happiness
I hope my happiness is sickening
I hope my flourishing is sickening
I hope my peace is sickening
I hope your heart breaks everytime I smile
I hope you rot in my absence.

Insignificant
Talentless
Failure
Worthless
Disappointment
Stupid
­Unworthy
Unloveable
Burden
Ugly
Useless
Weak
Bad friend
No one cares
Never good enough
I have no purpose
I deserve to die
I want to die.

I’ve been told I’m kind
I’ve been told I’m selfless
But as soon as I set a boundary I’m the bad guy
I’m sick of being walked all over
I’m sick of being taken advantage of
I’m sick of bending over backwards
I’m not the bad guy, or at least I try not to be
I don’t want to be the bad guy but you make me out to be
Stop making me out to be the bad guy, cause that’s just the wrong definition of me.

It’s so hard to live,
when you so badly want to die
Emotions high to low and low to high
You always seem like the bad guy
Chasing others to not be left behind
Everyone says “it’s all in your mind”
Feeling things more than everyone else
Never knowing who I am
Always feeling like a sham
Impulsive and out of control
I never feel whole
Feeling so empty and alone
And I’m scared to feel this way all on my own.