Hi. Yes thanks. I know I have pretty eyes I’ve heard that a lot.
Can you stop talking to me now?

I say that within my head because I know it would be considered “Rude”. When you’ve just given me a compliment. At least that’s what it’s deemed by most people in society.

If a guy tries to start a conversation with you or give you a compliment. Why don’t you just smile. And talk back.
Why don’t you just not? I know it’s considered polite. But I don’t owe you a smile. I don’t owe you a conversation. I don’t owe you a **** thing. Let alone a smile.

But that isn’t appropriate of me. I mean. Honestly how dare I tell someone no. Let alone a person of the male race. Who thinks that they’re being polite and reasonable. But when I try to disengage the conversation and walk away. You either step up. And verbally pull me back. Because if I keep walking and ignore you it’s rude. And there’s a chance that if you’re one of those guys. You will persistently keep walking and follow me down the street towards my house.

And I certainly don’t want you knowing where I live when you won’t even let a conversation end. And then there are the guys. That have grabbed me by the arm. Turned me back around. And boldly stated. We aren’t done talking. And by the fire in hell. It has taken every single fiber of my being. To hide the fury in my eyes. And all of my will. To keep my hands by my side instead of delivering you a well deserved punch to the nose. Because how dare you think that the conversation ends when you want it to end. Maybe I should be honored that you wanna talk to me. Despite the fact that I don’t even know you and you make me uncomfortable. And I have noticed your eyes. And how they’re constantly roaming. But no girl. Is and has to put up with you. An utter stranger. Who uses the excuse of. “Don’t be such a *****.” When you’re denied a conversation or you’re told no.

So thank you. For the ever so painful conversation. The fact that. You randomly chased me down when I shook my head. And started walking faster. And last but not least. The fact that throughout the time span of this entire conversation. You’ve never made EYE CONTACT with me not even ONCE.
So.

To the self entitled ****** who decided that I owed them a conversation. When I politely and quitely shook my head no to your offer of a conversation.

*******.

A very misleading scene.
You know what’s going to happen. It’s very cliché. Home alone except for your boyfriend. You two are just sitting on the bed watching a horror movie. You just put it on to have an excuse to be held and cuddled. And then it happened. You’re holding hands now. Slowly leaning in to each other even  closer than possible. You’re practically on his lap now. As he whispers sweet nothings in your ear. You lean in BUT BUT hold on he doesn’t know what you do. So you keep pretending kissing him back and pushing him down. And then just as it really starts happening you innocently put your hands around his neck. Stare into his eyes. And then…. SNAP.
Man he was really idiotic to think he could cheat and get away with it.
I guess you could say that took an unexpected TURN.

Hollow.

When I wake up I’m in this building. Low gray decrepit rotting from the inside out. I know what I’m doing here but I don’t understand why my spirit won’t give up. The husk of my heart barely emitting a whimper of a beat. I constantly try and find them their laugh echoing over and over in my head. Not the thing that’s replaced them. I keep chasing the tatters of their laugh. The last dying rays of their smile. The warmth from their hugs. But I always end up passing cracked windows broken down staircases. Back to the room where the empty cavern of my heart lays in pieces. Ribs somehow mortifyingly enlarged. Lying across the ground in chunks shattered and broken apart from the concussive blast of pain and sorrow. I collapse in a pile of ashes. Falling to my knees. Trying. Trying so hard to piece the ashes together but they just run through my fingers. Slipping away like grains of sand my tears mixing together. The blood blending in. All of my dreams. All of my hard work every single effort. Shattered like a window. But instead of shards just cutting me. It falls through. The powder brushing across my skin leaving trails of blood behind. Still able to mock me. I thought for once that it was done the cycle was broken. It was finally broken. And when I fell. Into that circle of broken bones the ash puffing up around me. Shards of my heart bleeding. I thought I was out. But when I fell into that ash. I fell right back to the start.

Memories Are made of this
They're made out of things
That I had almost forgotten
That I was so close to forgetting
All of the cuts and scars
Gracing my gun battered heart
They were so close to fading
I've written a lot about this recently
I realize because
While my mind sits back
Looking at that obsidian corner of my heart
The one that refuses to let go and listen
To be smart
To actually get its **** together
It has refused to break
My mind is tired of trudging along pulled by that part
I write because this is the only way I can actually put it together
Like picking up the pieces of a broken vase
And getting cut
I just stare at the blood
Not really feeling the stinging kiss of it
It's just another thing that bodies do
Bleed
But I guess I'm just not used to seeing it on the outside
When its always on the inside
I've always been like this
Slowly able to forget
But still
Timidly refusing to do so
As I'm typing away
My keys providing a steady click
I look up
And through the curtains
Through the closed shades
I can see that the sun has come up again
Oh
I guess I did it again
Staying up again
Because my past would rather haunt my active conscious
Where I can't help but think about it
Instead of haunting my dreams
Maybe if my mind could feel as my heart did
Would it feel sympathy?

Laying on a bed
I think I was asleep
(I think)
That was before the loud popping sounds started going off
Oh right
It's the fourth of July
Our nations birthday
I groan
I get up
I shuffle around looking for my glasses
I then proceed to make a very loud
Very annoying dying sound because I can't find them
I sigh and go out into the backyard
Watching
Pop
Burst
Pop
Burst
Color
Colour
Color
I would've felt something
I know
When I was smaller
The sounds would've scared me
But
I like the loud bangs
I still like
The bursts of heaven that decided to come down from the sky
Just for tonight
My mind likes all of these things
But a sheer bitterly cold layer of cynicism
Is wrapped around my heart as if it were a glove
So snug in fact
That when my heartbeats
It beats too
I see a certain blue
And I'm now walking up the road of my past
My subconscious being the gateway
To forgotten and even suppressed memories
The stardust dew of a violent red brings back the sound
Of tires screeching on pavement
I jump looking behind me as if I can see that exact car
As if it were pulled from my memory
Driver and all
And woven back into the reality of the present
Burst
Pop
Burst
Pop
Colour
Color
Colour
I don't know when
My memories started to come packed into exploding tubes
For people to set off
But I guess with this way
I can't ignore my past when it's right above my head
Burst
Color
Pop
Colour
Burst
Pop
Color

In out
That's the way the tide flows
In out
The sun goes down
In out
The stars come
In out
the moon shines
In out
I'm still here
In out
Floating upon this dark sea
In out
Moving with the tides
In out
I have no complaints
All I'm doing is floating after all
In out
I watch
In out
Day by day
In out
As the stars fade out
In out
The sun starts to come rising through the sky
In out
A bleak disc at first
In out
Burning away the buttery dew of morning
In out
I realize
In out
That I'm not floating on a sea
In out
I'm floating on everything that I've kept out
Out in
Everything that I haven't let myself feel
Out in
Everything that I've kept away
Out in
So I can help other people
Out in
I say I'm fine
Out in
I am fine
In out
Smile

The moment you opened your eyes
My heart started fluttering
Part of me thought I was going to die
The other rational part told me to just calm down it was fine
AND THEN

I got ******
Because in my ears echoing as if I were in an opera hall
I could hear your infuriatingly stupidly smug laugh
Haunting me and hounding me like Marley's chains rattling at old Scrooge
Your smile flashed across my opened eyes like a new projector
And I didn't really appreciate that
I've begun to notice that your laugh only comes out
When you've successfully flustered me
I can feel the beats of butterfly wings trapped against the ribs that have become their cage

I thought these things were supposed to be in your stomach not your ribcage
But now that I find myself off on a tangent
I would just like you to know
That if there were ******* butterflies in my **** stomach
The acid in my stomach would dissolve them
So I guess that this isn't an accurate example of how you make me feel
But then again as a four year old climbs into the chair I'm sitting in

I honestly wonder what is
Maybe one of these days I'll bother looking away
Long enough to actually find out
Guess these butterflies won't be dissolved
Maybe if I put them in an envelope
That would fix the beats that speed up my pulse