This is my body
I think
You see some days I am not sure
Because it's covered in opinions and handprints
That do not belong to me
And they are dripping all over this better life I am trying to build

- Was this supposed to be winning?

-
you relearn coming home

-

You find out how it tastes different
From when you were a little girl
(It’s far less rust tinged these days)

You name everything inside of you
anger or shame
So you never have to look to closely at the hurt
(It's mostly pretending you are something other than empty)

You relearn steady in chaos
you can still patch up
****** gaping holes with shaking hands
Lies leave your mouth faster
Than anyone has time to get the safety off

You relearn two faced
that one you never really let go of
it feels the same as it always did
Like a party trick you could never stop preforming
because it isn’t one
You know liar
The game is you are almost always
Telling a truth



-  What does learning to come home mean; why is it the first place you learn to run from

**** the heart
(or was it the hurt)
I need to borrow your spine
Mine is buried in my closet
I have fracture patterns etched into my skin
In the shape of your knuckles
the blue carpet in the living room is worn down
Two spots where my knees fit perfectly
Because praying to god felt a lot like having control back
**** the hurt
(or was it my heart)
The first time I wrote out your name
My hands shook so badly
Because I was always told
names have power
I wasn’t sure if I would survive you having anymore over me
I need to borrow your spine
mine is buried 6 feet deep
I have the taste of ash on my tongue
as you lit everything on fire
And watched it burn and burn
when I woke up in the burnt out shell of house and body
I knew I only had three things left to do
**** the heart, **** the hurt, and bury the spine
Survive
Survive
Survive

What would you do to get back their love?

I would destroy cities
I would collapse mountains
Let rivers run dry
Give them everything that they didn’t already have of me
(which is nothing)
( I gave it all)
It still wasn’t enough
They wanted to take my hurt
( It’s the only thing I have left)
( It’s a broken bone I won’t ever let heal)
Tell me it wasn’t that bad
To think about the people who have hurt me
(Won’t this hurt them?)
Would they say that
if they knew about everything
(About all the things to ***** to see sunlight)
(I love them .I must love them . I love them )
It doesn’t erase the things
that need to be said so I can be better
What would you do to get back their love?
Everything but give up the love I have for myself.

- Sometimes there is no easy words for the hurt

Your secrets know their place
(next to mine. hers. ours)
Beneath floorboards
you can hear them at night
Haunting this house
Palms pressed against wood
late in the night
With your ear against the cool floor
You listen to them speak to you
Begging to be let out
(they are always begging)
They want to breathe the same air as you again
But all you can do
is feel like you are choking
(God i'm gasping for air)
These words getting stuck in your throat
Sink to the bottom of this foundation
And regrow into a home where these secrets have no place to ruin.

-Secrets will rot this foundation and you will spend a very long time digging your way out

I think maybe I would have liked
To have been loved gently
But I sunk
With broken knees at your alter
Pledged Allegiance to a false god
Who spoke the Old Testament like it was truth
And the hands that were wrapped around my throat
were dipped in holy water
so even in death I was blessed
He will preach
To all the women he has turned into sin
Say -with a soft caress across my check
That echos and vibrates off the walls
Like the silence after a gun shot
“If you love me you’ll do this.”
manipulation comes easy to him
Hand to God
he is your salvation
And no one will ever love you like he does.


- He can’t be your salvation
- Because you already saved yourself