I doubt  now    how
Funny   how sometimes  i feel
So sure   of your emotions
And so quickly  i forget    if you
Ever did love me     as if love
Is something    so fickle    it makes no sense
Should love not   be honest   and real
And solid like a stone    but why does it feel
As if i never   held it    like water   it has always
Felt so fleeting    or fragile    
It may have   been my parents     the abrupt
Changes   in their   words and moods    ive
Always felt    like i didn’t  know     anything
Or what was happening      what happened?  And
Waking up in the morning    to music  on my birthday
But   other days to screams    and   nervous  pleas
To help my mother    who was diabetic   and   dying
And now    you and I    and you, so far away   I
Don’t know how   to deal with it    and I get
Scared at   myself    and I get   scared  of you, does
That make sense    scared   of  
What     we do     with ourselves

My existence is a joke    to those who see me
I am not  woman  enough  to harbor love poems
from those who walk past me    or to have my mother
gloat to church acquaintances   about my beauty  my
travels   my  incredible abilities   or  my outstanding schooling
I have formed myself  in the image of     a snake   down to
the very texture of my skin
How I do desire to be all the things   I tell you, for you’ve
fallen in love   with all the lies I’ve told-how I am strong-willed,
confident, and an all around interesting person
Even worse, I’ve led you to believe that I can surpass
the faults of my past and the pain of my childhood as if
I am a phoenix  rising from ashes   but
I am not a bird   I am human
My father   wanted a son  and even my stocky build
Doesn’t  allow for his mind to see me as such  although
My mother’s best insults insinuate my diet
Resembles that of a man
And where does the mind go when it doesn’t know
what is wrong   or right  
or harsh or kind?  I inherited the sadness of their
Hearts, and no longer am I sure if I can  break away
From it all

I can write about you    forever
About the small things I remember
Of all the pain  and childish habits I
Had when it came to knowing you
Like milkshake dates we never had
Because I was too scared and you were
Too silent
Like watching you through binoculars and back and
Forths from our balconies you must have
Thought I was a creep
And I thought you were divine
And yet when we did sit next to each other
We just didn’t   know what to talk about
And no matter how much I told myself
That you simply took the breath out of me,
I knew    we just weren’t meant  to know
Too much about each other

You remain untouchable  like a legend,
I flipped your pages just enough to
Smell your   soul   and then let you
Take your course, wherever it took you
I don’t desire to know

Ok ok,    I may have skewed the details
Like how you were   digging the deep weeds out
And giggled as I fainted from the heat   or when
I said that if I had bigger ****  you wouldn’t have
Me doing    this    type   of   work  
But you did say: Keep  on talkin’ like that   and see
I gutted the gravel and sand bags as you spread them
Out on the yard    who knew leveling the ground
Would be    this ******* hard
At some point, I guzzled a can of ale    and almost
Hit you with the shovel     digging for any type
Of emotion  I admit,  maybe it was just my fault
I was   crying
Your face and clothes were drenched with sweat and
I was so angry that  you hadn’t called me
Beautiful    
And girls like me     we don’t get that
Luxury

I didn’t hear you when you asked for
A kiss

I sang for you when my faults were few,
And my voice did not stop when they too grew.
I said my children would be just like you.
You kissed my cheek and then withdrew.
And when you weren’t there, I felt it still.
I sang for you when my faults were few,
Doubtful my foot would fit into a glass shoe.
But I was the Hum and you were the Hill.
I said my children would be just like you.
You caught the flightless bird that flew,
The outward slave with inner free will.
I sang for you when my faults were few,
When we hadn’t known we were one, but separate: two.
Could you hold my best parts and my worst ones ****?
I said my children would be just like you.
These stars prefer walls of graveled blue.
Could you really love my frailties and skills?
I sang for you when my faults were few,
I want my children to be just like you.

They come out and I wrote
to you that I write nothing new. I write
the same thing in different words and
people don’t change in my plots. So I wrote
to Envy and asked her if she cries often
and why it is she hates women. Maybe she’s a
lesbian, maybe she just loves us too much.

Write of me,
dark eyes and *****
face with drying pink tears,
red with blood,
from dehydration.
Speak to me,
and when your mouth
touches mine,
spit sugar
down my throat.
Walk through brambles,
stupid prince who
will get the beauty
despite
big feet and long
hair.
Do you know
the feeling,
when you’re in too
deep?
Sweet story of your heart,
bitter when it starts;
I’m curious, sad maybe,
write of me. Ellis is not a name.
I am not Ellis.
I do not conquer
hearts of wolves.
Write of me,
prince,
ignorant however,
with sugar-fleshed
cheeks.
Sing.
Sing.