Dark dark dark
    Melt my brain away
           I don't want to think
                   I don't even want to

                                                               feel

I want to be numb
   I want to be completely
      Drained of all colour and light
            Let me be empty



I want to be a husk of a human
    The only thing to warm me, a whiskey neat
         I want my blood to run like ice
             And my heart to stop




I want to know how it feels to well and truly
                          hit rock bottom



I want you to stop trying to fix me
     I am broken
         And who the hell cares
                 Just go live your happiness



I'll be here still, strummin my guitar

-
you know, I think the difference between the two of you is that she doesn't try that hard, but you try way too hard

2am and you're still on this video call
Widening your eyes
Chuckling and smirking
And blushing cause I said her name

Wow, you know I'm just so, so ecstatic that things are working out for you

The conversation swings back and forth
From you to me
From euphoria to melancholy
And I notice you look a little confused

If anything ever goes wrong, you have me to lean on, and my friends. We'll back you.

Well something did go wrong
But it went wrong months ago
When I fell for you
And your dazzling blue eyes

Hey, the friendship has been real but you can't expect me to continue without having everything in the open. I can't handle this, you needed to know.

No reply
No response
Just a little message saying
Read

I'm sorry for ruining everything. I hope she and you work out but I can't be handling this anymore

Not even opened

Should I try again?

My heart lies uncertain with every step

Broken as it may be

It still wants you

-

I want you to write me,
the way that I write you.

Only capturing the
beautiful sides
on sunny days

I want to be your poem,
like you are mine

Soft words,
lilting sentences,
perhaps I'll even rhyme.

I want to be in your song,
that one about love.

The girl who's hair shines,
and dances without care?
I want to be her.

I want you to see all the good in me,
and truly believe there's no madness.

but soon you'll see
eventually,
I'm filled to the brim with badness.

To my old best friend,
I’m terribly sorry for pushing you away.
Though unintentional, your actions
Rendered me unable to act in a different way.

I loved you like a brother,
at first, it would seem
But then this purest of purest loves
Began tearing at the seams

staying up and texting
Late till 3 am
Making quick little codes
In case someone walked in

Playing truth or truth
Cos we wouldn’t dare to dare
Each other to do the most obvious thing
To show we truly cared.

No, it wasn’t real.
It was one sided, or all in my head.
That night I sent that message
I lay crying in my bed.

I knew that I had ruined things
That we were done for good
And after that I angered you,
Avoided you where I could.

After not long, you moved states.
We never said goodbye.
I’m sorry, my friend, for pushing you away.
For telling you all of those lies.

And all these years later, you’re still the first boy I can say I fell in love with.
There’s truth in every single word.
I miss you still, I always will,
And this wound will always hurt.

Goodnight,
K.

I have fallen too far down the rabbit hole,
And I am afraid to look up.
Because I can already see their spiteful faces
Sneering and spitting out venom laced words

We knew you weren't good enough

I am too far gone down the track
And I am too riddled with guilt to stop.
Because I can hear them screaming,
Crying out, pleading with me

I wish you'd just be good enough

I have travelled too deep into this dark, lush forest
And I cannot see it for it's trees anymore
Because all I know is
I have to be good enough.

No matter what

-

Step 1
Recover from the shock
let the emotion roll through your system
Breathe in and out.
Don't throw up.

Step 2
Plant a big fat smile on your face
Say I'm totally happy for you.
Wow what great news!
Don't throw up.

Step 3
Burn everything you've ever written about him.
She's your friend, she deserves more than you
You can't compete
Don't throw up

Step 4
Revert to what you're good at
Making other people happy.
Get them together
Don't throw up.

Step 5
Move on
Attempt to 'hook up' with someone
Fail miserably
Don't throw up

Step 6
Be the third wheel
And the reason why they'll be together.
Watch him pick her over you over and over.
This time, actually throw up.

A sideways glance
Fingers brush
Eyes officially meet
Swapping jokes like war stories
Free drinks for me
More perks for you
I wonder if it was more
Than just a physical need
Chemical reaction
I hope it was more than blood flowing
Full knowing I would fall for it
Girls with low self esteem, right?
How ******* easy.

It's a shame that I started to realise all my imperfections

when you came along

Hey.

I love you.

I love the way your skin wraps your frame, your clothes the bow on top.

It makes me a little insecure, but I love it.

I love the way your silky smooth hair falls, swishing below your waist, like Rapunzel.

It makes me a little jealous, but I love it.

I love the way you stare at me, like you know everything about me, like I'm completely transparent.

It makes me a little uneasy, but I love it.

I love the way you write songs to me, snatched out of thin air on your six string, right in front of me.

It makes me feel a little deceitful, but I love it.

I love the way you move so fast from person to person, how you can just touch and go.

It makes me a little depressed, but I love it

I love everything about you

And I wish you didn't leave like them

I thought you were a little different.
And I loved it

It's funny looking through my memories
Seeing all the good times yet
Only focusing on the bad times
How fat I was
How I still am
How I managed to eat all this food I've taken photos of
Remembering being able to savour then without thinking about how I was going to get rid of it
About the calories
And it almost makes me want to throw up

Oliver was a beautiful boy who rumpled up my world,
I never told him that he did that.
I don't think he wanted me to.

Oliver was a smart *** boy who crumpled up my heart.
He'd use it to play, then throw it away
but I guess I'm fine.

Oliver loves a girl now, and they're "getting in" with eachother
and thats really great...for him
I've been tossed like trash

I don't think Oliver meant it when he said such nice things about me
I think maybe he felt bad, or pitied me,
or wanted me to feel good

because Oliver and I are friends...
it's apparent it's no longer something more.

I write my best work when I’m drunk,
For it comes straight from the heart,
But when drunk, the heart says dumb things,
And from dumb things, bad things start.

"Let's create a religion"
He beamed with a smile
drawing some semi ******* figures
upon my newly decorated wall

And now, two days later
I'm smiling at your
saviour, christened
Memesus.

I am over you
I am so very over you
I am required to be over you thus I am over you

Perchance I wasn't...over you...
how could all three of us continue being friends?
It's like a bad case of deja vu, but this time
it came back with a vengeance.

help
help
help

My heart still skips when I see you, is that okay?
I still get nervous and choked up talking to you, is that normal?
Sometimes it's too much, I ignore you completely...how about that?

But I am over you.
Completely
And
Utterly
Over
You


and your stormy eyes

F**k

~

She once told me,
A song is a wish you write to
the universe

And now I know,
that the universe
doesnt grant

w i s h e s

Warm under the covers, we’re not meant to be lovers
The warmth under makes me safe

Your arms like towers, this love devours
Every inch of my sanity

If you’re  leaving don’t let me believe in
The good of you and that you’re coming back

Please let me go, break my heart so I’ll know
That you, you’re not coming back

Lying here at night,
Your name flashing on my screen
I can't, I won't answer.
You make me want to scream.

But it's all too confusing,
I can't say how or why,
You make me so emotional,
you're the reason that I cry.

And yet, as the light fades
from my dingy old phone,
I wonder if you realised,
I wonder if you know.

Perhaps its why you called me,
so late that very night.
It's because you know, you know!
You know it's not alright.

You know it's not okay
for me to want you like this.
Because she was my friend,
and yet I still long to kiss

those magic smirking lips.
I still long to feel our warm cheeks brush
as you sweetly laugh at me,
because I can't help but blush.

Is it okay to be friends,
with this secret that I hold?
I hope that one day you realise,
before your feet grow cold.

She wafts through with ease,
Creating a smile wherever she goes
Supposedly without a care in the world.

If only they knew her trouble,
They would surely treat her better
For she is gold among copper.

We used to laugh a lot, you and I.
We used to mess around with each other,
We used to be daring.

We used to pull pranks on the teachers,
We used to pretend to smoke those stupid lollies right in front of them,
We used to not care.

You used to think I was pretty, and cool.
You used to play with my hair at recess,
You used to tell me you liked me.

You used to be so kind, and funny,
You used to care about me,
But then again, we used to be 11 years old.

Because we used to talk, you and I.
We used to confide in and stick up for each other
But then I used to be skinny, and not so loud.

We used to be just barely in highschool,
Each gone on different paths.
You used to ignore me and then all of a sudden, you're with her.
You used to not be a ****.

And we used to be friends.

A giggle a sweet as cotton candy,
Curled hair just like swirls
Blue eyes with pure bliss inside them.
Few teeth, looks just like a pearl.

A roar as fierce as any lions,
A stomp to shake the world.
Blonde hair, reminds me of someone else
And his fist rolled up ready to hurl.

But both of them are one and the same,
Just different fragments of light.
I hold them so close in my heart,
As I cuddle them both goodnight.

I'm armour clad
And shielded tight
And you'll never hurt me
As much as you try
But these little bullets
Ill guided wisdoms
Sneak in like shards of glass
I'd never let you see
That you're cracking my shell
And I'll never show
That I'm hurting

Why is it that every time I decide I want you,

There's someone else?

Sometimes I see my poetry

And I wonder if it actually counts

Because it doesn't rhyme

It's rather odd

And overall, well...
We'll leave it odd, shall we?

'Memories,' she whispered
into her dark hotel room,
lit up only by the street lights
and cars passing by outside.
'Memories only hurt and hinder,
but to see your face...'


'I'd relive all those memories again'

please just let me bury my head in the sand for one more day
then after that, perchance i obey,
I'll look after you in much the same way
you looked after me on that very last day.

An expression of my depression
"How can you be so sad?"
"You live a lovely life"
"No reason to be mad"

The variety of my anxiety
"But you seem so calm and normal"
"It's really not a big deal"
"The way you're acting is just awful!"

So let me cut open my chest so that you can just see
The pain, the angst, the happiness amongst the misery.

Can I make a wish
To be with you forever
You make me happy even
Though we're just friends

I don't need any more than this
Just your attention, your smile
Corny jokes.
It's all enough for me.

Don't change,
You're all too interesting
They should put you
In a museum, just you.

You're all the eras rolled into one.

I love you and you know that
But it's time we faced the facts
I'm third best and you know it
You've no hesitation to show that

No matter what I say or do
Or how hard I may try
There's always going to be someone else
Around to make me lie

I'm happy, I'm okay
I really really don't care
Even though part of me is screaming
I just wish you were there

Not just over a message
Or on a phone call
But here in real life
Catching me when I'm about to fall

Maybe I'm overreacting
But at this point I don't care
Because I'm third best
To them, I don't compare.

It's 3 am, and I need to sleep

But all of a sudden a massive flow of ideas has coursed through my veins and

Now I'm too hyped

Stand still
Completely frozen in time
The lights are too bright
You can't flee or fight
Just go with the flow

I need to move
The adrenaline is
pumping through my veins
And I just stand still.

My thoughts control
And hinder my movements
Where I should run
I stand here crying

Just stand still
Eyes glazed over
Perhaps it will
All go away

If you were a piece of glass,
I'd wrap you in silky cloth
so you wouldn't break
or cut me.

If you were a child,
I'd sing you sweet songs,
until you fell asleep,
so quiet in my arms.

If you were a rose,
I'd never cut you from
the bush where you belong
So you would never ***** me.

If you were a dandelion,
I'd cup you in my hands so gently,
so the wind could not
blow your dreams away.

But because you aren't a fragile thing,
I have to leave you be.
It truly breaks my heart
to see you get hurt so easily.

I don't know my own name anymore,
It's like I stare into the mirror, and someone else stares out.
I'm trapped, and I can't get out