Remember when I used to look up fan sounds on YouTube when we slept at your moms house?

Well now I'm looking up videos of soft breathing to try and fall asleep.

Even with the fan it's hard to sleep

This nighttime cough syrup warms my throat the way you would warm my skin.

I want you
Like echo
Wants narsissis

I need you
Like Icarus
Needed to fly higher

Yet here I am
Holding the world of regret that I created on my back.

I just deleted all the photos of us, you and some of the things we did off of my Instagram. I've never felt more hollow.

When I see you.
When I'm within three feet of you.
I clam up.
I shut down.
All I want to do is cry and apologize.
All I want is to tell you I'm sorry
Followed by many "I love you"'s

When I'm within two feet of you
I'm overcome by the strong desire
To reach out
To crayfish
To beg for your embrace
To plead

When I'm within a foot of you
My flight or fight response activates.
I'm not sure whether to try and touch you
Or to flee
My body locks up and I stammer.

When I touch you.
I crumble into dust.
The floor opens up
And I fall into dismay.

When I touch you
I crumble into dust
The floor opens up
And I fall into dismay.

When I touch you.
I crumble into dust
My mouth opens up.
And I whisper to myself.
It's all my fault that things are this way.