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  Oct 2015 Denxai Mcmillon
Caroline Lee
Lately I've been thinking about becoming bigger than my body
I've been processing you through **** demos on my phone
Through grey skies and empty bottles
Through blank stares and perpetuated silence
( I used to need a rhythm to write but the white noise in my head seems to work)
I've been turning corners and changing lanes
Doing the dishes and doing my time tangled in empty sheets
And it seems okay
As long as I'm not by myself for too long
Because if I let the white noise in I'll be swimming in black till the weekend
I'll numb myself in neon shades
White hot and weighty
Glimmering image of the silver screen dream
Spent shadowed twisting out into the intersection until I remember that you are not the same as you once were
And I am not the girl you needed
I'm just processing
And working on becoming bigger than my body
More than my bones more than my skin more than my gender more than a character in someone else's life
More than a thin wristed timid thing weighted down by years of neglect and indifference
More than a pair of wide dim eyes
More than myself.
I'm sorry I didn't call you back.
  Oct 2015 Denxai Mcmillon
Caroline Lee
I think I've always known that you were headed for the stars.
I saw it in your eyes when you were young on the front porch playing your junior acoustic guitar
heard it in your voice when you made your mother laugh at the party
felt it in your arms in every hello and goodbye hug when you held me close just like I always wanted.
so yeah,
I've always known about you and the stars
and I think maybe, you saw the same in me
I don't know.
it was just in the way you always begged me to sing with you even though I was shy and your parents were drunkenly laughing downstairs
it was just the way you always asked endless questions about my year
and everything in the way you listened,
stupid smile on your face like you couldn't believe I was in your house
or that I was looking at you,
or maybe it was the way that you were always challenging or pushing me to live a little
and yeah it was the stuff of kids
but in my mind the lighter you forced into my hand meant so much more than just the snap of firecrackers in the dark
meant more than just the prospects of burned fingertips and ash
or the way you always managed to get me up into some tree or on some rickety old swing even though I was so afraid of heights
and you knew you were the only one who could do that,
just like you always have.
Because maybe you knew that to get where I was gonna go that I needed someone to remind me
that sometimes you have to go beyond what you think you are capable of and do the thing that frightens you
I always admired that in you
and that maybe you saw me too
so yeah
maybe you knew about me and the stars
just like I knew about you
and we've seen the world of our youth together
through dinosaur days and saturday morning cartoons
our mutual love of laughter connected us and grew like ivy between us covering the spaces we had left uncharted by the innocence of youth
you wanted to be a comedian and I did too
only if I could make you laugh like that night by the fire
we were young and skinny and wild and oblivious to the true nature of things
and it was small but it was good
so yeah
I mean I've always been in awe of you
and after all these years on your front porch we've come so far
your mom gave up smoking and your dad is cancer free
your brother got a girlfriend and you bought a car
so you can drive
and drive
and drive
and drive away
leave the small town you've hated ever since you started school
so you can drive to find your dreams and some girl to take your heart away
and after all is said and done
when you've broken the charts
gotten your name in lights
and seen the world with a thousand scars running deep just under the sleeve of your shirt
you'll find yourself hung in the stars
just like I always knew
so yeah
I mean I've always hoped that once you were there in the stars
you might look around and find me there too
and its a roundabout way of saying things
and it's different for me too
but
there was this band that we listened to that one summer in your kitchen while our parents were laughing about some video in the next room
and in about every single song that this band wrote
there was this one sentiment that was echoed,
and that has been echoed throughout the modern world countless times to the point of abstraction or sickening obsession
but
the way it sounded that day in the kitchen with seemed really really great
like we were the first to pioneer this brave new school of thought
and that the simple lyrics were insightful and new
though I know you probably don't have any memory of this
but
I think I needed to just let you know


that
I think I've always known
(that you were headed for the stars)
Denxai Mcmillon Oct 2015
For my twenty-first birthday all I want is to drink alone.
I want to sip my sorrow
I want to slip away and walk the streets drunk
I want to sing modern baseball.
i miss you
even if you are just meter away
and i miss you more
when you will gone far
away

i miss the way you smile
that light up my way
and the way you laugh
at your childish play

i miss your giggle
that captivate me
and your smirk
that mesmerize me

i miss the way you frown
and the sweet scent that you own

i miss the way you walk
and your crazy little talk

i miss all about you
i miss you

Because

i can't have you

©IGMS 2014
and i just wish that you will miss me too

ps:
"I miss you because I can't have you" line is not mine.
Denxai Mcmillon Oct 2015
I'm not having fun,
My word is hushed just as fast as it was back home.
I am quiet
I listen endlessly
I respond when asked.
My depression has me by my throat.
I want to explore my new home.
I'm tired of sitting in a house that's hotter than it is outside
I'm tired of falling asleep because I'm bored
I hate this.
I miss the stars
I miss late night walks with my friends
I hate that to occupy my time here all I do is smoke *** and play video games
I hate that my only friends here don't really talk to me.
I'm talked at, expected to listen.
When I have a chance to speak,
When my words are worth hearing
My sadness, my disparity, my bitter loneliness
Becomes a spring board to why they're unhappy
Becomes a reason to tell me my ego is the reason I'm sad
If I killed myself, they'd be legitimately confused
"He seemed happy"
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