Sometimes I wonder
Why my heart chose you
Because I'm getting married
And you're married too
Sometimes I wonder
Will we ever talk
And if you made a move
Would I reciprocate or walk
Sometimes I wonder
Does she know my name
Does anyone know about me
Do you wonder the same
Sometimes I wonder
That maybe he knows
But when I spoke the words I liked you
The joke went right under his nose
Sometimes I wonder
Have I read the signs wrong
Or if you've written about me
Because I know you write songs
Sometimes I wonder
Will these feelings ever end
Because when I get married
I don't want to pretend

he asks
when will it open
what, i asked
your heart.

he says
i brought hammers but
i fear it might hurt you
i said
soft, love. soft hands.
soft touch is enough

he says
kiss me
you won't have
to open your legs
just your lips, nothing
else
no, touch me soft

he tears my heart
and licks the inside
i moan
because my tongue is
tied

he touches and touches but
i won't come
i won’t come but i still
moan to keep him
occupied

im afraid the wolves
might come
i tell him when it's all over
that night the moon was too loud

so you trust me?
he asks
like howling wolves
we lie, crying
and as the dusk came he
covered me in his arms

in the morning i woke
to see the bed empty
only stains of the last night
in the bedsheets

i was afraid the wolves
might come

I want you to crash into me
Like the ocean.
Tonight when you kissed me
I thought I’d drown in you
And I was
Happy to be lost at sea.
No wonder the ocean loves you
You are kin
You are the same:
You both need someone
Unafraid to be pulled under.

I'm not sure what it was about that day
Perhaps the child in me wanted to play
Between the Rad and the Chemo I needed to pray
But I knew the pain wasn't going away
I walked to the counter to ask for advice
And there she was this angel in white
I couldn't believe such a beautiful sight
She told me "Don't worry you're going to be fine"
The chills ran rampant up and down my spine
She told me my life could use some direction
I knew I  was in dire need of correction
I long for the day to see her again
But deep in my heart I know it's a sin
She comes at night and visits my dreams
I need her so badly I just want to scream
A relationship would be purely platonic
For the issue I have they tell me is chronic
I'm sick and tired of all this frustration
The chemo resulted in chemical castration
I look to the day to see this reversed
But up until then my life is a curse.

i miss you
but i shouldn't
you are no good for me
and i have scars to prove it

but once again
my mind slips back to you
and your sweet relief
your sweet metallic kiss

you hurt me
but i love it
because its better to hurt
than to be numb

I've never let anyone in

At least not all of the way

The door is open, but only part of the way

They can step inside but

The most important door is locked

On those nights when everything is dark

When I know I'm mediocre at best

When there's a flood of tears

And I can't give a reason to them

When I yell in my head

Asking God why he gave me this

Why he made me so **** breakable

I don't mind the broken bones

The scars make us who we are

It's the ones inside I can't stand

The ones behind the door that's locked

Even the things I thought I was good at

Mediocre is the word of the day

But it's only at night

These demons come crawling in

When the world seems to shrink and expand infinitely

And I can't see the end

But feel the edges creeping closer

When I can't breathe for fear of poison

But it's already there, in my head

In that room I keep away from everyone

The poison is a part of me

And I just wait for it to **** me

But maybe it will just stay there

I'm too mediocre for it to care

Whether I live or die

I'm slowly destroying my own self.
This disease is eating me alive
While I watch from behind my eyes.
Each day I try and pretend
That I'm not angry
Or scared out of my mind.
I'm a brain trapped in a broken body
With no way out
And no way to fix what's broken.
All I can do is hope to stop the disease
In its tracks
And hope I don't get worse.
But there is no getting better.

I'm taking a break from these things where I stored my emotion
It causes too much commotion
I'm putting my mind on cruise control
I'm letting my Lord above take it all