words.

turning my pain into words.

never to hurt

only to heal,

myself.

to help me process . .

help me cope . .

help me learn . .

help me grow . .

help me change .  .

help me feel & express

the mess that's tangled within . .

help me remember,

who i am.

i realize i don't have to end things

in order for my endless night to cease . .

i only have to keep waking up

until my sun finally rises with me .  .

i can learn to live

learn to survive

learn to thrive

in the darkness . .

blindly trusting

that the sun will rise again

through my seemingly endless night . . .

i will give in to your emotional games
and word you are so obsessed with . . .
villain.
make me that . . .
but you have no idea,
what it's like for me.
no matter how much i try to tell you,
you have no idea,
what i feel.
no matter how hard i try to express it . . .

.

it's barely 8:36 a.m.

"why are you still here?"

she asks me . .

"why? if you're that miserable?"

she asks, not really wanting to know the answer . .

maybe she's right . .

why am i still here

.

i don't hate anything.

but i hate this.

i hate it when it consumes me and when i give it the power to take over my mind and break my own heart..

i hate when i can't pull myself out of drowning in it..

i hate it when i forget..

i hate it when i forget who i am and how strong and sensitive i am..

i hate it when i forget and hurt you instead of love you..

i hate that i think that telling you would have made you understand so you could help me when it pulls me under.. suffocating me.. suffocating you..

and every single time this happens..
all i think about is
e v e r y t h i n g . . .

memories of warmer skies

feeling distant with each breath i take..

the deep conversations we've held between your baby blue eyes and my wide chocolate ones..

the way neither of us have to say a word to know what the other was thinking or feeling..

the warmth of your skin accidentally grazing against mine..

asking if i would ever get to trace the tips of my fingers gently along the constellation of your scars, healing the hurt of your past as i go..

never fully realizing until after just how much damage i, myself am inflicting..

memorizing the sound of your voice because i feel as if i would never hear it again..

asking if i would ever feel the beating of your heart pounding out of your chest as we slowly bring our lips together..

studying the lines of your face because it feels like an impossibility to ever be so close to you again..

wondering if i will ever feel protected by you or if i will ever get to protect you, knowing it's impossible when i'm the one thing hurting you..

remembering the soft drifting snowflakes i gently brushed from your brow..

or the first time we embraced beneath the warm May spring rain..

replaying every thoughtful and adoring thing we've ever said..

the friendly smiles shared and laughs from goofy things only we'd understand..

wondering if i would ever feel brave enough to sign "i love you" from across the room to you..

always hoping but never fully believing that, each time, after what i do.. you would ever... ever want to see me again..

"never confide your fears"
she told me . .

but what if i tell them to
the one person i want to trust?

and what if that is the one person
that always breaks it?

i wince
when i
look at
you
because
all i see
and feel
now
is myself
through
your eyes..
and the worst
part is,
i'm not sure
what i look like..

as the sky changes from bright baby blue
to soft yet vivid oranges, golds, pinks, and violets

we see psychologists
instead of each other

we go home
instead of dinner, together

i do my homework
instead of looking into your icy blue eyes
to feel everything you feel,
those silent, wordless conversations
that fall between us..

you quietly watch films by yourself
instead of gently pressing your lips
against mine..

i want you to hold onto it for me

the day before

i will tell you what you meant to me

still mean to me

you may get pulled aside or distracted by another

i will say your name to bring you back

but i will leave before you get to see the tear fall from my cheek

the stairs will guide me to the edge of the woods..

you think i'm only sad..

what if feel is far more deep..

that will be the last time i will see you

it will be the last time you will see me

still warm

cheeks flushed with the color of life

oxygen being breathed through my lungs

the fading light within my milk chocolate-colored eyes

dimmed from the hurt that no one wanted to help me from

i'm sorry in advance, for staring so much..

i will study the lines of your face one last time

i will listen for the warm, always-familiar tenor of your voice..

i will follow the trail with no footprints

i will go away, i promise you..

snow drifting

red nose

rosy cheeks

numb fingertips and toes

soon to be pale

purple

and

gray

i will remember you

and when you were sitting here next to me..

warm..

heartbeat increases, "i'm scared.." i said to you..

heartbeat  s l o w s . .

heartbeat stops.

i want to tell you how i'm feeling

but i will hold it back

for you

i want to show you that i care

but i will pretend that i don't

for you

i want to show you how i'm hurting

but i will gently tell you no

for you

i want to tell you all about exciting things

but i will leave you alone

for you

i want to ask you how you're feeling

but i will try to keep things platonic

between us

for you









i'll feel less like myself, but at least i'll be taking care of you..

i dreamt i was protected
by an angel

a dark angel
who loved me

was i actually protected?
was i truly loved?

the soft yet crisp snow
beneath my boots,
cooling the earth's surface.

the violet, black, and indigo night sky
glowing with scattered
twinkling stars
like confetti.

muted, hazy gray clouds
stretched across the sky
in strips
like the arora borealis.

i can see my breath
when i exhale,
the warmth
proof i am still here...
if i am still here
i'm still supposed to be.

the moon shining so bright,
the brisk winter sky,
the endless woods,
my endless night
is calling me home...
it's calling me home . . .

you said that
you would try

but i knew
they were lies

when i said
that i would die
and all i did was cry

Everything made me realize,
I wanted you to empathize

but what i really needed
was for us to say goodbyes

the snow storm is brewing

the blizzard will blanket itself across our town

the once green trees will be barren with brittle limbs frosted with white

the feeling of fallen leaves crunching beneath the soles of my boots

she thinks she understands but she doesn't . . .

looking up, i see the fluffy snowflakes clumped together, drifting down in irregular pattern

there is no wind this night.

only bitter cold.

he thinks he knows but he has no idea . . .

i stick out my tongue in hopes to catch a falling flake, one last time being my happy, loving, warm self.

they think i'm okay. they think i'm angry. they think i hate.

i dance like no one is watching, because no one is

i stretch out my arms and twirl like a ballerina performing upon her magnificent stage for the last time

a smile my lips make, but there's a tear falling from down my cheek.

the woods could never be quieter than they are in this moment.

i let out a scream at the top of my lungs... i listen in silence... no one will hear me.

peaceful. embracing.

i say im unapologetic, but i apologize all the time . . .

i continue walking.

the bridge with it's sister stream frozen and snowed over

memories frozen, still.

i walk to the edge of the woods, and turn left.

gazing with wonder and awe at the withering yet beautiful world surrounding me...

the winter blushing my cheeks and tip of my nose.

i breathe in a long breath and let out a short sigh.

i find a bench overlooking the tree line and sunset and the road with occasional passing vehicles.

first i sit, but then i lay down.

there i will close my eyes . . .

and there i will stay . . .

muscles, bones, blood, and flesh . . .

frozen, until the beating ceases

slowly, with the drifting snow.

when i push him away
it is because i am scared
he will push me away again,
so i do it first
in hopes that
it won't
hurt
as
much.

sitting here
surrounded by loved ones
...yet i feel so
alone
and so unloved.

hands trembling.
it's all becoming too much
to bear by myself..

a single tear drop
falls and gently
makes its way down
my cheek...

flickering yellow flame
beside me..
waiting.

i shut my mouth tight
and take a deep breath in...
when i have it in my control
i part my lips
and let out a
long
breath
out...

here i am
spending
hours upon hours
studying
mental health...
and here i am
STRUGGLING
and
s t r u g g l i n g
and
struggling
to
just
breathe
for myself...

who sees?...
who hears?...
who even ******* cares?...

i have screamed
for help...
jumped up and down,
waving my arms in the air...
reaching out for anyone's hand to grab a hold of...
i asked the one
i trusted most for help
and still . . .
no one
seems to hear me . . .

selfishness
its labeled...

am i a hypocrite
for studying
mental health
and
drowning
in my own
mental illnesses?...

i do this because
i know
what the pain feels like...

i do this because
NO ONE
should ever
have to feel this
alone
in fear
and without help...

i will protect you...

i will help you...

i will get through this not only for myself... but for you...


.

2 trips around the sun together

the song is happy
so why do i feel sad?

the song is hopeful and true..
so why do i feel scared?

fingers interlocked

legs intertwined

minds interconnected

hearts beating in sync

souls interlaced

in love with your light and darkness..

your beautiful, maddening mind..

you say we're not enemies

but why do i feel your deafening silence
and icy distance?

i don't know who i am in your eyes
i only know who i am..

i don't know what you feel when you see me..
is it everything?
is it nothing?
is it passion?
is it repulsion?

i no longer allow emotion to pass through my fingers

afraid that if i show any, you'll leave again..

so i pretend to be monotone..

thinking you'd like that more..

while inside i'm bursting with color and vibrant skies
that i once shared and wish i could once more and for good..

but i keep my distance..

i keep my guard up..

i'll be cool and collected

not emotional and expressive..

i will never let you see how much you leaving again scares me..

strength has one name

but many faces..

just because we live within this
dark & cruel world

does not mean we have to
fall victim to its ways..

you are the opposite of worthless..

it p a i n s
me to see the darkness
take over you..

it wants that..
it wants to engulf
your fragile heart..
your precious mind..
your irreplicable soul..

it wants you to believe
you are worthless..

it pains me
to watch it stain
everyone black..

you cant listen to it..

you cant let it convince you..

it lies..
it lies to you..

it wants you to feel weak..

it wants you to feel worthless..

it wants you to succumb to it..

it wants you to submit
until it engulfs you
until theres nothing left..

you cant let it win..

im telling you this because
ive been there...
i know what it feels like..
i know what it feels like
to have no one there
but myself to rwalize
that theyre all lies..

i believed it..
but i could never do it,
because i knew
that it was inaccurate..
untrue..
and selfish..

knowing that they are lies and that i didnt have to listen to the darkness saved me..

and no one deserves to feel
the pitch black
empty
cold
deafeningly silent
nothingness..

its why i do what i do..

you dont have to give in..

it isnt how your story ends..

it isnt..

if you drink the poison . .

you can't have one without the other

if you drown . .  

you can't not have one without not having the other



.

if i drank the poison

i would not ask you to follow..

you stay here

and you l i v e . .

if i drank the poison

i would want you to stay..

heal..

feel..

hurt..

heal..

live..

hurt..

heal..

l­ove..

hurt..

heal..

l i v e

you deserve to live..feel loved..be loved..and love..

do not follow me..

you will hold on tight..

you will live, not exist..

you will live..

the dry heat
and dusty air

bare feet
and rolled up jeans

citrus trees of
oranges
lemons
limes
and grapefruits

the dusty blue blinds
replaced with
clean white new ones

the old is moving out,
but the memories
will always remain

the days i'd walk across
the rough sandy bricks,
arms stretched out
on either side of me
balancing my way
from one side of the yard
to the other

summer breeze
messy caramel hair

my side hurts
from running around
in the itchy cool grass

cheeks flushed
morning to evening

vibrant colors
painted the sky

the downtown
city lights
twinkling softly

feeling
homesick,
nostalgic,
downhearted,
euphoric.

won'­t you come with me?

will i get to show you?

all the places i've been,
i've left a piece of me behind..
and taken a piece of every place
with me..
part of me now.

won't you come?

the places i grew up,
and walked around
when i was younger

i still live there..
i always have..
my forever home.

the smell of the
mountains
and fresh seaside air..

the In-N-Out burgers
and endless museums
& theaters..

the place i've always known
yet long to know even more..

so much i haven't seen,
would you want to see it
together?

would you love our adventure
or only pretend for me? . .

this place that belongs to me
and i in reciprocal..

just a taste, just a glimpse
home is where i feel it is..

the price that comes with loving him
is not my price to pay..
it should be free, no strings attached.
who's victim, villain, prey..
no more labels, no more catch
just love and life and love..
no more names and no more hurt
just memories and more love..
melodies and harmonies
unison, crescendos..
softness during dissonance:
laugh, dance, sing and yell..
the top of lungs
because we're all so loved..
it's all i want
it's all i can't have..
yet or never?
yet or never . .
everyone's at fault.
no more blame,
no more games.
no more shame,
a need to feel more sane..

i threw my alarm clock away this morning.

ambushed from the start.

left with scars i never asked for..

gifted trauma i never wanted..

my anger is my fault.

my pain is my fault.

guilt.

IT'S LOVE!

fallacy.

as if nothing anyone does is hurtful? . .

burns..

scars..

hurts..

worse..

but he couldn't talk me off that ledge..

if i asked you for help, would you . . .

or would you say nothing again . . .

you don't know the half of it,

won't you show you want to?

safety

they "protect" me but they hurt me..

shove me in that corner..

ashamed, i feel..

no one should have to admit.

what is the purpose behind the ache?

i'm looking, but it's never-ending . .

i stand

screaming

crying

waving my arms

jumping up and down . .

my s.o.s. . . .

can you hear me? . .

do you see me? . .

why do you turn the other way? . .

hoping maybe if you ignore me long enough, i'll just go away? . .

maybe soon, maybe far

who'll feel sorry when i do someday? . .

elbows deep in flour,

always indecisive

but you know this.

everyone always loves it

don't they?

strawberry, lemon, apple, blueberry . .

a list 36 miles far.

the evening sky is painted,

violets, golds, pinks, and blues . .

i'm crumbling while i'm strong.

cranberry, raspberry, kiwi, fig . .

a walk 21 miles near.

i am deep

i am loved

i can show you i can bite..

you are there

i am here

one of us is always in the wrong place.

the sky looks as if all the stars exploded,

spectacular yet dangerous..

how could we forget? . . .

let me show you i can love
the deepest darkest
parts of you..

shirtsleeves stained with paint,

the kind He uses for the sky..

if i said i hated you, i'd be caught in a lie.

you know i can't, how could i ever?

when all we did was love until we hurt
and all that was left was
to hurt each others hearts..

we didn't have to, love we never had to..

did you?
did i?
did we?

i can show you i can love you hard,

with everything i have in me.

my bones, my mind, my heart, my soul

take it all or leave it all..

there is no in between, my heart

you can't say no but want part of me . .

we're all or nothing
show me how..

i'll squeeze your hand
so tight..

just don't let go so easily..

i left you so you'd be happy

but you seem more upset to me..

i have so much regret in me

do you feel it too, honey? . .

i couldn't love you better
because that was what i had

at the time.
but now i've learned some things
and see what now makes sense.

i know now what i didn't then
but could you ever see me the same?

could you ever

i wish i knew what comes to mind
when you hear my name..

do you say it softly
like i do
when i miss you most? . .

the way it rolls off of my tongue
like it's always been there..
waiting for the day
i shout it,
hands reached out
throughout the darkness..

will you grab them when it's
bright outside
or when it's just pitch-black inside?
or will you decide
never to
and let them fall back at my side . .

yellows, greens, blues, and you..

we're back at the beginning.

where you didn't know me
nor i knew you..

i felt i did,
first look
i knew..

is this what our ending looks like
or beginning in disguise..
black funeral or white wedding,
adventure of the new..

"I'm sorry.."

It's okay..
I should have done
something sooner.

i know why it hurts this much..
it's because you loved me so hard.
how could i not see it?
i loved you so hard.
could you not feel it? . . .
but now it's too late..
you're gone..
"i'm still here.."
you're gone . . .

cursed with a broken replay button.

sometimes it's beautiful..

sometimes it's painful.

but tonight, was beige..

neutral. natural. beige.

i always leave

but i never really leave.

stuck on repeat

repeat

rewind

repeat

replay

repeat

relive

repeat

r­e-feel

repeat. . .

i relive a moment over and over
long after it has taken place.

sometimes it's beautiful..

sometimes it's painful.

and i won't sleep
until i get this one right.

i miss you
even though you're
sitting right next to me.

we both know
it wasn't because
you were cold..

we were born
from the stars
and you from
the sun..
warm. essential. familiar. missed.

i understand now
why the sun
has to go away
during the coldest,
most bitter months..

to teach us how to live
without it while it's away..
and to teach us
not to take it for granted
while it's wrapped in our
loving embrace..

so why would you want to
sit next to the fire?..

i was your alibi,
you slept after 9:30.
you knew i wouldn't say.

and it wasn't him.
it wasn't her.
it wasn't you.
it wasn't anything said.

i could say whatever
i want to cover up
what lay beneath..

sleepy.
exhausted.
backache.
feverish.
food coma.

the list goes on...
all of which would be the truth but...

i'd look away
when you noticed me
staring..

knowing that you
are always the only one
in any room
who sees what lays beneath..

i couldn't let you see..
so i'd look away
as soon as i could
hoping to catch it before you
saw..
i couldn't let you see..
i couldn't let you see . . .

you do so well at hiding it
for others..
but you will never get past me..
they never lie..
they betray you..
they give you away..
every. last. detail. . .

i saw your hurt.
i saw your pain.
i saw everything you
never said
and everything you did..

so close to me
and i couldn't
embrace you. . .
i couldn't give in. . .
i couldn't protect you . . .
and would even you want me to? . . .

we both know.
we just do.
unexplained.
and only between two.

i heard your voice
for the first time in 3 months.

i did my best to memorize
what you look like...

you didn't have to touch me..
you didn't have to touch me. . .
i would have held on longer.
i would have held you tighter.
i would have wrapped both arms around your neck
the way i would with a lover
but instead gave you my one-under-one-over "friend" hug.
i would have squeezed the soft fabric of your hood with one hand
and gently tugged your hair with the other.
i would have pulled you closer.
i would have. . .

never sure of what you want..
never sure of who i am to you now..
never sure of what we are..
never sure of what we will become.
it's all your choice
as unfair as that is..

i can't make you love me
the way i love you.
no amount of scars or tears
will make you see
what i feel..                            

i'm sorry
you asked me things..
i minimized my word count..
figuring you didn't really want
to speak with me..
but felt like you should just because
i was there..
i'm sorry,
i left our interaction
at a minimum..
sure you'd want it there.

if you know me,
you know what
was happening...

i sit there quiet,
but my mind is
loudest.

i sit there smiling and nodding
but my heart
is no longer in one piece.

i sit there feeling
out of control
but i control myself...
you will be collected
i told myself..
you will be yourself. . .

i felt out of place..
yet still myself..
i was true to myself,
i knew i couldn't fake it.

i sit there steady & silently
but i'm noticing
everything. . .

if i had one feeling left,
i'd give it to you..

you're on your last string,
who would you give it to? . . .

you never once complained
about the heat..

you felt the fever
with me..

i really wish i knew what you feel when you look at me now.

warm summer sunday's:
the gentle graze across each other's wrists...

brisk autumn wednesday:
shoulders touching, empathy rising...

bright spring morning:
a day i will not soon forget...

dark and bitter winter:
silence and an absence of forgiveness.

"are you outer space? because i want to explore you endlessly"

a black and navy sea of stars.

a match blanketed by shreds of trees.

a cylinder of white.

the scent of warm summer days . .

when everything feels like a smile.

glazed ceramic of yellow.

the taste of salt . .

sad, pure, and promising.

don't touch it

but we persist.

don't play with fire

they've always told us.

but we insist it isn't playing.

limbs, soft with innocent skin . .

warm blood flowing beneath.

it isn't the person who's deserving of hurt . .

but the person who's deserving of being seen & understood.

and who would stop you?

no one.
wouldn't he? . . .
. . .hurting is no longer concerning. . .
maybe he wants you to hurt . . .

know that this is far from being something to guilt you..
i just need you to see that i hurt too when i hurt you..

how many times?

one

two

three

four

more?

not too close

but just enough we resist . . .

sometimes madness
looks like
jubilance

sometimes sadness
looks like
happiness

sometimes hurt
looks like
anger

sometimes light
looks like
darkness

sometimes resentment
looks like
hate

sometimes love
looks like
limitations

sometimes trauma
looks like
protection

sometimes messiness
looks like
control

sometimes change
looks like
oblivion

sometimes deep
looks like
shallow

sometimes purity
looks like
naivety

sometimes silence
looks like
ignorance

sometimes shame
looks like
guilt

sometimes courage
looks like
rebellion

sometimes strength
looks like
pride

sometimes heartbreak
looks like
carelessness

sometimes boredom
looks like
restlessness

sometimes curiosity
looks like
adventurous

sometimes fear
looks like
insecurity

sometimes grief
looks like
stubbornness

sometimes gain
looks like
loss

sometimes loneliness
looks like
lust

sometimes misunderstanding
looks like
ill-intention

sometimes sensitivity
looks like
weakness

sometimes vulnerability
looks like
delicacy

sometimes a beginning
looks like
an ending.

"i wish
i'd loved you better..
and that you
see me clearly
without disguise.."

as for love slipping away:
"we cannot continue for long
to exist sanely
under conditions of absolute reality. . ."

"to truly love another person
is to accept that
the work of loving them
is worth the pain of losing them. . ."

everything that i love
is me
the same way everything
you love
is you

you became a part of me..

and to feel you..watch you..hear you
slipping from my fingers..
feels like a vital piece of me
is being suddenly and violently
ripped out from within . . .

one look
from across the room
and see all the hurt
that's ever inhabited your heart,
weighing you down..
one touch
gently grazing your arm
and i feel the hurt i've caused you..

you don't deserve this..
you deserve to feel seen..
inside and out..
the light and the dark..
and you deserve all of it to be loved..
it's my job to protect you..
it's my job to love you..

but what do i do when the one hurting you is myself?...
how do i protect you from me?...
i can either go away forever..
or i will be better for you..
that's how.
but you choose . . .

i feel it..
you never let me forget it..
i feel it every day,
waking or sleeping,
that goes by
that you don't say a word . .

i miss the days we used to talk
and laugh
and feel
and glance
and share
and care
and connect
and love...
those days seemed to shine
a little more brightly. . .
didn't they? . . .

you made me feel
like i was something . . .
you left suddenly
and tried (and succeeded)
to make me feel like
nothing . . .
i convinced myself
that it's okay
because i love you . . .
but it isn't . . .

i notice your sighs..
your pain is my pain.
i notice your eyes..
they tell me everything.
i notice the way you walk
when you feel low..
i noticed the way you looked
at my lips right before you
pressed yours against mine..
i notice your excitement..
i celebrate with you
from a distance..
i notice the exhaustion
that weighs heavy upon your weary
shoulders..
i know that i cannot take it away,
but i want you to let me
carry it with you..
i can take on more
than you think i can..
i can take on more
than everyone thinks i can..
i can take on more
than i think i can..
i'll take you..
i'll take you and everything
that comes with you..
i'll take you and all of your
brokenness..
your flaws..
faults & mistakes..
regrets & insecurities..
your hurt & perfect imperfections..
everything you want me to see as well as everything
you want no one to see..
everything you think will scare me away..
i'll love you..
i'll love you more because of these things..
i never ask for perfection..
just authenticity..
vulnerability..
truth..
passion..
trust..
i wish you would know how much it hurts
to hear you say you feel i don't know you..
i felt that i have known you my whole life
the second i saw you from across the room . . .
the second i saw you . . .
you've no idea . . .
i wanted to know your pain,
and all the while feeling like i already knew it..
because i felt it.
we were made from the
same stars..
same clay..
same hands..
same breath..
you are my twinflame . . .
the things that had to happen
in order for to be (re)united..
please, tell me it wasn't just me . . .