You hate how
your words still
haunt & hurt my heart
everyday,

but you said them
anyway.

Did you think I would
never find out
you really felt that way?

I've found myself hiding
the moments
when I feel weakest
from you.

I want you
to see all of me,

but I sometimes
fear that if you saw me at my lowest,
you would
look down

and won't see how strong
I really am
& can be
anymore.

I noticed your pen ran out of ink mid-sentence,
you changed the color to teal.

I notice the sigh that softly huffs out from between your lips,
You smile anyways.

I notice the fiction within that smile,
It's broken but it will always remain beautiful.

I noticed your gaze casted away from me as you swallowed the lump in your throat,
I am sorry this is so frustrating & perpetual.

I notice your soul within the window of your eyes,
you're searching for something...anything to hold on to as you are being tossed around, about & beneath the surface of the seven seas.

I must be foolish
for thinking
that the way we talked,
the words we said,
the glances we shared
were only enough
to be
"just friends"

How is it possible
to experience something
that has never
happened (yet?)?

Don't be afraid of what can only help you

Change is scary.
not always but more often than not.

Change can also be
beautiful
necessary
renewing
& healing.

Embrace history making,
embrace  y o u r  change,
embrace the new,
embrace the unknown,
& embrace  s p r i n t i n g  out of
your comfort zone
with every intent to
g r o w
into the
m o r e
beautiful human being you are
w o n d e r f u l l y  &  f e a r f u l l y  created
to be

I love who I am while I am with you.

I see the frustration
in your eyes
for that brief fraction of a moment
when no body else
is looking.
For a while I felt I understood.

As I know things haven't
been going the way you
need.

"I love you"
I want to say to you now
& every second that I am breathing...

Oceans to deserts, I cried until I couldn't.

I'll never forget when
we were so young,
you lived next door
& we did everything together.

I'll never forget
that time I came over for your
birthday party
& we accidentally locked ourselves in the bathroom,
crying & screaming on the floor
because the handle broke off
and we thought we would never be found.

I'll never forget
when we were sent outside
of the classroom because we talked
to each other too much.
We sat on the side walk
in silence.

Staring at a crushed, sticky candy apple
glowing bright artificial red in the beaming sun on the pavement
leftover from last night's
school carnival.

I'll never forget
how we could play outside
A L L   day long
until the sun went to sleep
and we smelled of freshly cut grass
with wild flowers behind our ears.

The way we would
swing so high until the tips of our toes
would touch the leaves at the top of
the trees above.

And we'd laugh nervously
when we swung back down
as our stomachs would release
a kaleidoscope of butterflies.

I still remember...

And I still smile...

My eyes watch
as the sky
is painted with colors of
soft blues & white fluffs
to
vivid pinks & dazzling oranges.

Soon to be
pitch blacks & deep violets
with tiny bright lights
speckled on with flicks of His brush.

Soon to be tomorrow,
strokes of
happy yellows & stunning golds.

I toss & turn.

At an hour nobody else's eyes are open,
my bed shakes me awake
& I sit up gasping for air, sick, heart-aching.
The thin speckled sheets are ripped off from on top of me.

The pale walls rattle
but there is no train or earthquake.

The Christmas lights flicker off & on
while bulbs burst,
glass dispersing everywhere.

The window flies open
allowing the rain to come pouring in, flooding.
The wind blowing the pale blue curtains about.

I think I am being haunted
by the ghost of you
and you aren't even gone yet.

My stomach turns
as I replay a conversation
not yet to be had.

Let me go...
Let me let you go...

Just because you cannot
visibly see it,
doesn't mean
it's not there.

It hides behind the stranger's smile
              behind closed doors
              behind your loved one's eyes
              behind "I'm good."
in plain sight.

The wind carried the music away
as we walked side by side.

That way you looked into my eyes
from time to time
like there was nowhere else you'd rather be
than next to me.

The wind carried our laughter away
as your shoulder brushed against mine.

The way we could just simply walk together
with no destination
& be perfectly content
was everything I could possibly long for.

Sun's warmth gingerly grazing my skin
Universal feelings
Nothing left unsaid

The second I hear the first
note on those black & white keys,
the first few words
sung
my eyes are desperately
searching for you.
Darting back and fourth across the room.
Salty seas welling up inside of my eyes.

My soul is longing to feel
connected with yours again.
Liberated.
I feel you listening to our song
too somewhere.

Though I cannot see you,
I know you are there.
We exist on a completely different plane
than everyone else.
Far off & together.
One mind,
One heart.

Most of the time
I feel outnumbered.
An army of thoughts
out to push me into a corner
& make me feel small.
I must not let them.
I will not let them.

I am strong
enough to lift myself up
& hold my head up high
enough to see the hopeful sun
rising above the horizon.
But there's always a part inside of me
that wants to be protected by you.
A part inside of me
that wants to be saved by you
from myself.

This, I want to be for you.
Protect you,
know you,
care for you.
When you feel outnumbered
& the darkness is closing in,
I will be there by you
to remind them that the two of us together
can undeniably outnumber armies of them.

I have to leave these walls
and everything I know
behind
in order to get back to
myself.

She deserves to be
found again.

Time is a thief,
I learned today

Where were you
as I took the bullet?
("I do care")

And the second one?
("I do care")

And the third one?
("I do care")

And the fourth one?
("I do care")

Will I be alone
if there's a fifth?

Why did it take this long for you to suddenly want to be there?
Where were you when I needed you the first time?

"We're just friends."

Haunted by words.

You may as well be the one
pulling the trigger.

You forget that saying nothing can be more painful than saying something hurtful.

And time is a thief,
I learned today.

Will we do something we'll regret or
will we not do something & regret it?

I want to feel like you want to
know me.
see me.
hear me.
protect me.
love me.

Bright & certain
in the beginning of the Before.

And where will you be?

Where will you be...

I feel so far.

Yet where I'm supposed to be.

Bring me home
Easter lilies, with your sweet scent surrounding.

I am lost yet found.

Bring me home
sky, with your miraculous showcase of vibrant & soft hues spread and swirling across the horizon like deep & vast ocean waves.

I am finding my way
through his way.

Bring me home
morning birds, with your beautiful melodies before the sun even begins to rise.

I am found
Here & there & anywhere & everywhere.

I was never lost,
simply wandering.

This is my home

Intensions
to grow with you,
alongside you.

Intensions
to celebrate the highs
& stay during the lowest of the lows.

Intensions
to know you, see you, & still love you
despite what may be desirable or not.

Intensions
to love your mind & heart before your body.

Intensions
to see your flaws, mistakes, fears, & insecurities
and love them just the same.

Intensions
not to hurt you
but help you heal
or even hurt with you.

Intensions
to explore every corner of the earth with you,
discovering & trying new things.

Intensions
to take care of you,
protect you from all of the merciless hurt of the world
to the best of my ability.

Intensions
to remain honest, faithful, & trustworthy with you
from the beginning to the end.

Intensions
to hold your hand tighter when things get challenging, testing, demanding, overwhelming.

Intensions
to see the good in others, in the world, in everything, in life, & in each other.

Intensions
to lift you up in your successes & victories, big or small.

Intensions
to share moments of laughter, passion, spontaneity, intimacy, empathy, & compassion with you.

&

Promises
that will never be made to be broken.

Time that will never change how I feel.

Perfect pretense.

Oceans swelling to the sky.

Eager to see what awaits.

Trees guiding the way, limitless.

Rotunda panorama.

Yesterday's soft, prudent parting sun.

Memories of us
doing things we never did.

Memories of us
doing things we haven't done.

Memories of us
doing things we said we'd do.

Memories of us
doing everything we wish we could do
without shame.
without fear.
without pain.

I could have stayed there
staring deep into your blue eyes
as the warm wind blew strands of your
light brown hair across your forehead..

I would have stayed there
as we silently looked into each other
for a sign that
everything would be okay..

I should have stayed there
gently holding your hand
making sure you know
I have always loved you
long before I met you...

I don't want to be friends.

I want to have all of you.

I want to see you from across the room
& feel safe & loved
knowing I'm yours only.

I want to  k n o w  all of you.

I want to  s e e  all of you.

I want to  l o v e  all of you.

I don't want to be friends.

I'm tired
of living in constant
trauma
from innocently loving you

I'm tired
of living in constant
pain
as my consequence for loving you

I'm tired
of worrying about
not having my family by my side
as punishment for loving you

I'm tired
of feeling like
everything but
myself...

Anger

Grief

Sadness

Impatience

Unkindness

Hop­elessness

Shame

Wrongful

Disappointing

Beyond repair

I'm tired
of being called
names I don't dare write
by those who say they love me

I'm tired
of the judgement
I've received from those whose
opinion I value most

I'm tired
of the abuse I had to
endure (still)
& then be told I
"did it to myself"

I'm tired
of living like this.

I'm tired.

This is not like me.

I'm tired.

I cannot do this anymore.

I'm tired.

I miss myself.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of not being happy.

I'm tired.

I give you
my heart
in pieces.

Piece
by
piece.

One
by
one.

Please,
be gentle with it
as it's as fragile as
butterfly wings.

Don't hurt me
(on purpose)

I will break.

When we speak,
I am cautious.

I don't want
you to hurt me.

I will build my wall
and hope for you
to gently undo
my work.

Show me I can
trust.

Show me I can
give myself away
for you.

Show me I can
and not have to be afraid
of being
h u r t.

Break down
the wall I build between us
for the right reasons.

So I can love you
the way I know how to love.

I don't want to build
this wall

Make me see I don't have to.

Make me feel safe
with you

Make me feel
seen
heard
known

Make me feel loved
by you
as I want to make you feel.

We don't mind it,
when it's winter.

You & I.

Because it gives us
one more excuse
to hold each other
closer.

Heavy rain

The scent of old frail book pages

Long aimless walks with my dog

Non-stop sunshine

Milkshakes at midnight after winning home football games with the marching band family

The stillness of the air in an empty dim-lighted auditorium

Blowing bubbles through a straw in milk

Beach adventures

Peaceful camping trips in the woods that disconnect me from the rest of the chaotic world

Gold sunrises & sunsets

Secretly hearing a stranger hum a song I'm unfamiliar with

"Messy hair don't care" days

Baking peach braids just because

Getting lost intentionally in New York City

Finding a hold-in-the-wall place to eat

Antique book shops

Googling a name & being amazed with the accuracy of the meaning behind it

Picking oranges, lemons, & grapefruit with my dad from his yard and making freshly squeezed juice

Practicing flute for my grandpa

Trying something new

Skating, even though I'm awful at it but still trying

Taking a candid photograph of a significant moment, soon memory

Kite flying on the beach with my little brother

Making a boquet out of wildflowers

Scary summer storms

Drives with no destination in particular

Up North Michigan

The way my mom would make oatmeal in the middle of the night for us to enjoy when we were little

Proudly planning my education

Writing poetry in the margins of a book

Vitamin Sea

Drying grapes into raisins on the windowsill

Eating & cherishing favorite childhood meals

Looking through old family photos & home videos on a VCR

Rummaging through my grandpa's "junk drawer"

The best egg salad sandwiches made by Nana

Papa's oversized flannel jacket

The cold wet nose of a dog

Soft warm blankets straight from the dryer

The scent of wood furniture

Thanksgiving spent at a cabin in the mountains

A first kiss

Raising caterpillars into butterflies & releasing them

Remembering how to play a song on the piano

A warm summer breeze

The smell in the crisp air after it rains during autumn

An unexpected thoughtful gift that says 'I know you'

Feeling well rested

A hotel room for one

Dancing in the kitchen late at night to music with my sister

Disciphering my Godmother's cursive calligraphy letters in the mail

My sisters hotel soaps collection

California Poppies

Drinking milk from a bag as a kid

Love finding me at an unexpected yet perfect time

You <3

The scent
of your skin,

The touch
of your hands,

The sound
of your voice,

The taste
of your words;
hard to swallow pills,

The look
in your crystalline eyes

Haunt me
like unwelcomed ghosts.

I wish for (y)our happiness